The Twelve Chairs - Transcript

The Twelve Chairs - Transcript

Produced by Michael Hertzberg
Screenplay by Mel Brooks
Directed by Mel Brooks

"Hope for the Best, Expect the Worst"
words and music by Mel Brooks

Transcribed by ESD;SISRF


INT. - CLAUDIA IVANONNA'S BEDROOM

Claudia Ivanovna: I'm going. Call the priest. Get my son-in-law. Hurry. I must talk to him. There's something I must tell him before I die.
Natasha: There there, Claudia Ivanovna. You'll be all right, just-.

EXT. - CLAUDIA IVANONNA'S HOUSE

Natasha: Paullya. Paullya. Paullya. Paullya, quick. Run to the town hall. Tell Vorobyaninov his mother-in-law is dying. Tell him to hurry. I'm going to get the priest.

EXT. - TOWN HALL

Vorobyaninov: That poor woman. That poor woman. Who is going to take care of me?

EXT. - CLAUDIA IVANONNA'S HOUSE

Father Fyodor: It's in the hands of God now. All we can do is pray.
Natasha: Thank you for coming, Father.
Father Fyodor: It was my pleasure. Go to her. Go to her my child. Comfort her. She needs you. Courage, courage.
Vorobyaninov: Father Fyodor?
Father Fyodor: She's in side, not to worry. I, uh, courage.

INT. - CLAUDIA IVANONNA'S KITCHEN

Natasha: Oh my dear neighbor, I'm so glad you're here. She has been calling for you.
Vorobyaninov: I just saw the priest. He seemed in a great hurry. It was very peculiar. Very peculiar.
Natasha: She just confessed.
Vorobyaninov: How is she?
Natasha: She's doing splendidly. The doctor said she'll be on her feet in a week. She'll be dead before morning. She looks terrible.
Vorobyaninov: I'd better go in.

INT. - CLAUDIA IVANONNA'S BEDROOM

Claudia Ivanovna: Ippolit, it's you, you came.
Vorobyaninov: Yes, I'm here, it's me.
Claudia Ivanovna: Oh, thank God. Ippolit, do you remember our dining room suite?
Vorobyaninov: Dining room suite?
Claudia Ivanovna: In the big house in Starograd, before the revolution.
Vorobyaninov: Yes, beautiful furniture, made by Hambs of London.
Claudia Ivanovna: Ippolit, my jewels, my diamonds, I sewed them into one of the chairs.
Vorobyaninov: What?
Claudia Ivanovna: My diamonds, my jewels, I sewed them into one of the chairs. My gorgeous diamond tiara I wore when I was presented at court. My beautiful pearl earrings. My emerald brooch.
Vorobyaninov: Emerald.
Claudia Ivanovna: My diamond necklace.
Vorobyaninov: Diamond necklace.
Claudia Ivanovna: The little gold cat with the ruby eyes.
Vorobyaninov: Stuffed in a ch-. How could you do such a thing? Why didn't you give them to me?
Claudia Ivanovna: Why should I have given them to you when you had already squandered away half my daughter's estate with your parties and your horses?
Vorobyaninov: Well why didn't you take them out? Why did you leave them there?
Claudia Ivanovna: I didn't have time. You remember how quickly we had to flee? They were left in the chair.
Vorobyaninov: Fifty thousand rubles of jewelry stuffed in a chair? Heaven knows who may sit on that chair. If it is still a chair. It may be firewood by know. How could you do such a thing? How could you do such a thing? How could you do such a thing?
Claudia Ivanovna: Please, Ippolit, I know I did wrong but please forgive me.
Vorobyaninov: Of course. Of course, Mama. Of course I forgive you.
Claudia Ivanovna: Thank you. Now I can die in peace.

EXT. - VARIOUS SHOTS OF STAROGRAD

"Hope for the Best, Expect the Worst"

Chorus:
Hope for the best
Expect the Worst
Some drink champagne
Some die of thirst
No way of knowing
Which way it's going
Hope for the best expect the worst

Hope for the best
Expect the worst
The world's a stage
We're unrehearsed
Some reach the top, friends
While others drop, friends
Hope for the best expect the worst

I knew a man who saved a fortune that was splendid
Then he died the day he planned to go and spend it
Shouting live while you're alive
No one will survive
Life is sorrow
There today and gone tomorrow
Live while you're alive
No one will survive
There's no guarantee

Hope for the best
Expect the worst
You could be Tolsty
Or Patty Hearst
So take you're chances
There are no answers
Hope for the best expect the worst

I knew a man who saved a fortune that was splendid
Then he died the day he planned to go and spend it
Shouting live while you're alive
No one will survive
Life is funny
Stay alive and spend your money
Live while you're alive
No one will survive
There's no guarantee

Hope for the best
Expect the worst
The rich are blessed
The poor are cursed
That is a fact, friends
The deck is stacked, friends
Hope for the best expect the-

Even with a good beginning
It's not certain that you're winning
Even with the best of chances
They can kick you in your pantses
Look out for the
Watch out for the worst
Hey

EXT. - STREET CORNER

Ostap Bender: Give, open your heart. Thank you, sir, thank you. Very generous of you. Now there's a healthy girl. What can I say, little father? It's a miracle. I can see, I can walk, rejoice.

INT. - YOUNG WOMAN'S HOUSE

Woman: Do you love me?
Ostap Bender: Well, let's just say that I am very much in lust with you.
Woman: Oh my God, my husband.
Ostap Bender: Your husband? Out goes the bad air, in goes the good air. Out goes the bad air-
Husband: What's going on?
Ostap Bender: Who are you?
Husband: This woman is my wife. I'm her husband.
Ostap Bender: She fainted just outside the door. I'm giving her artificial respiration. How dare you allow a frail creature like this to carry heavy bundles? Has she ever fainted before?
Husband: Never. Maybe once, I don't know.
Ostap Bender: Well all right, come on, take over. No remember, out goes the bad air-
Ostap Bender & Husband: In goes the good air. Out goes the bad air, in goes the good air.
Ostap Bender: I should report you for this but we'll let it go.
Husband: Thank you. Thank you, you're very kind. It will never happen again, I promise, never.
Ostap Bender: Now see that it doesn't.
Husband: Out goes the bad air, in goes the good air. Out goes the good air, in goes the bad air. Out goes the good air, in goes the bad air.

EXT. - VOROBYANINOV'S OLD MANSION

Ostap Bender: There there, old boy, you must have fallen.
Tikon: Thank you. Who are you?
Ostap Bender: Ostap Bender at your service. Cigarette?
Tikon: Thank you.
Ostap Bender: Tell me, uh, Comrade-
Tikon: Comrade. Comrade. Everybody calls me Comrade. Everybody in the new Soviet Union is a Comrade. People you don't know, strangers. Everybody says Comrade. Oh, I miss Russia.
Ostap Bender: Here, tell me, what goes on in this great house.
Tikon: Mostly dying.
Ostap Bender: Dying.
Tikon: It is a old-age home for weary old ladies. They tippy-toe in, they have a little bowl of porridge and, that's it.
Ostap Bender: Oh, what a pit, what a pity. See I thought it was a hotel. You, uh, you don't happen to know of any near by, do you? You see I've come a long was and I'm seeking suitable lodgings for the night. Oh, by the by, do you happen to have a spare bed down there?
Tikon: No I don't mister by the by, no I don't happen to have a spare bed. There isn't a spare bed in all of Russia. People are sleeping between each other, and you're talking spare bed. You make me laugh, hwah hwah hwah hwah hwah, spare bed, you must be nuts. Listen, I'll tell you what, If you'll by me a drink, you can sleep on the floor.
Ostap Bender: Done
Tikon: Good.
Ostap Bender: Come on.
Tikon: What are you doing in Starograd? You look to me like a Moscavite-
Ostap Bender: Listen, tell me, tell me who lived here in the old days?
Tikon: Oh, in the old days was my master, Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov. He was a marshal of the nobility. I loved him. He hardly ever beat us.
Ostap Bender: Ah, whatever became of your lovable master?
Tikon: One night, about ten years ago, was a fearful noise. There was bombs and cannons and soldiers shooting, it was terrible, terrible.
Ostap Bender: Ah, I think it was called the revolution.
Tikon: That was it, the revolution. You're smart. You're smart and you're gorgeous. You're okay. Any ways, they all runaway.
Ostap Bender: Well, come here old boy. Let us see how drunk two Russians can get on one ruble.
Tikon: I like that, two Russians, one ruble.

EXT. - VOROBYANINOV'S OLD MANSION - LATER

EXT. - VOROBYANINOV'S OLD MANSION - FLASHBACK

Claudia Ivanovna: Ah, Ivan, fetch the marshal's horse. He's coming, he's coming.
Tikon: Master. I love him, I love him.
Wife: Please dear, hurry home, but don't gallop.
Vorobyaninov: Don't gallop. Do you hear that, Petya? Don't gallop but hurry home. That's you're job, you'll have to puzzle it out it's too much for me.
Claudia Ivanovna: Ippolit, take care. Don't drink too much and don't gamble, and stay away from the gypsies. It's so voller.
Vorobyaninov: Mishere, Mama. Rest calma, tu va bien. Tikon, you idiot, my gloves.
Tikon: Master. I love him, I love him. I love him, I love him.

EXT. - VOROBYANINOV'S OLD MANSION - LATER

INT. - VOROBYANINOV'S OLD MANSION - BASEMENT

Tikon: Here's your castle. We drink vodka, we talk, we have some fun. You know what we can, do? Master?
Vorobyaninov: Tikon?
Tikon: Master? Is it really him? It's impossible. It can't be. It can't be. It can't be. It can't be, oh ma-. Oh, that's him. That's my master. Oh master, master.
Ostap Bender: Here.
Tikon: Oh, it's so good to see you.
Ostap Bender: Tikon, here is a ruble. You go have some vodka and you don't come back for a while.
Tikon: Vodka.
Ostap Bender: Your master and I have some business to discuss. Come on.
Tikon: Business.
Ostap Bender: Come on.
Tikon: Business.
Vorobyaninov: Tikon. You're not to say a word to anyone about me being here. It's a secret.
Tikon: I'm not to tell anyone my master is in Starograd, it's a secret. My master told me a secret.
Ostap Bender: So, you prefer to keep your whereabouts a secret. Very interesting.
Vorobyaninov: Who are you? What is this business you have to discuss with me? I have no business with you. What do you want?
Ostap Bender: Oh, I don't know. I guess maybe it depends upon what you're hiding. Maybe this will shed a little light on the matter.
Vorobyaninov: Give me that it is mi-
Ostap Bender: Oh, how very impressive. This ought to fetch quite a lot.
Vorobyaninov: Please, give me that paper, it's personal property.
Ostap Bender: Oh, haven't you heard? There is no personal property in the Soviet Union, everything belongs to the people.
Vorobyaninov: Will you please give me that paper? It is a private matter and I'm not at liberty to discuss it.
Ostap Bender: Yes, of course, of course, one shouldn't interfere in private matters it's considered gauche. There you are. Now, I must be off.
Vorobyaninov: Where are you going?
Ostap Bender: Ah, the eternal question. Quo vadis? Well, if you must know I am vadising off to gossip with the secret police.
Vorobyaninov: Secret police?
Ostap Bender: Well, what can I do, old cock? After all, I am a patriotic citizen of the Soviet Union it is my secret duty to turn you in. Now, maybe if you weren't such a selfish pig, we could do business.
Vorobyaninov: I can't.
Ostap Bender: I'm going.
Vorobyaninov: Wait.
Ostap Bender: Why?
Vorobyaninov: Let's talk.
Ostap Bender: About what?
Vorobyaninov: Things.
Ostap Bender: What things?
Vorobyaninov: I don't know, situations.
Ostap Bender: I'm going.
Vorobyaninov: Wait.
Ostap Bender: Why?
Vorobyaninov: Let's talk.
Ostap Bender: About what?
Vorobyaninov: It.
Ostap Bender: What's it?
Vorobyaninov: You know.
Ostap Bender: I know what?
Vorobyaninov: What we're talking about.
Ostap Bender: We're talking about nothing. I'm going.
Vorobyaninov: You mustn't.
Ostap Bender: I must.
Vorobyaninov: Why?
Ostap Bender: The reward.
Vorobyaninov: What reward?
Ostap Bender: For turning you in.
Vorobyaninov: Wait.
Ostap Bender: Why?
Vorobyaninov: We'll talk.
Ostap Bender: About what?
Vorobyaninov: About the diamonds, the diamonds, the diamonds. The diamonds.

3.6 - INT. - VOROBYANINOV'S OLD MANSION - BASEMENT - LATER

Ostap Bender: And most of this stuff was purchased twenty or thirty years ago for about fifty-thousand rubles.
Vorobyaninov: Yes.
Ostap Bender: That means today they'd probably be worth between a hundred and fifty and two hundred rubles.
Vorobyaninov: As much as that?
Ostap Bender: Not a Kopeck less. And maybe more.
Vorobyaninov: I've got to find those chairs.
Tikon: Tikon is back.
Vorobyaninov: Tikon, come here.
Tikon: Coming, master.
Vorobyaninov: Tikon.
Tikon: Coming, I'm coming, coming, master, I'm coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, coming, I'm coming, master, I'm coming, I'm coming, I'm coming. I'm coming, master, I'm coming, I'm coming master.
Vorobyaninov: It's all right.
Tikon: You see? I'm here.
Vorobyaninov: Tikon, the furniture? What happened to the furniture?
Tikon: The furniture.
Vorobyaninov: Yes, the furniture. What happened to the furniture?
Tikon: The furniture. What happened to the furniture?
Ostap Bender: Tikon, Tikon. Well, cross-examination of the witness will have to be adjourned until tomorrow morning. Let's go to bed.

INT. - TRAIN

Father Fyodor: Oh, thou who knowest all, you know.

INT. - VOROBYANINOV'S OLD MANSION - BASEMENT

Vorobyaninov: Tikon, Tikon.
Tikon: Master. Oh master, you're still here.
Vorobyaninov: Where is the furniture?
Tikon: The furniture?
Ostap Bender: Yes Tikon, where is the furniture?
Tikon: You mean upstairs, in the house?
Vorobyaninov: Yes.
Tikon: Some of it is still there. The velvet sofa is there, it's a mess now. And the andirons, they kept the andirons.
Vorobyaninov: Did they keep the chairs? There was a dining room suite with twelve chairs made by Hambs of London. They were upholstered in gold brocade. Do you remember?
Tikon: Twelve chairs, walnut, covered in gold brocade?
Vorobyaninov: Yes, yes, that's them, that's them.
Tikon: They're gone. All but one.
Ostap Bender: Where is it?
Tikon: The pantry outside the kitchen. It sits there, a major, a beauty.
Ostap Bender: Good, now what happened to the other eleven chairs?
Tikon: One morning, a big van came from the bureau of housing, took everything.
Ostap Bender: Now think Tikon, what street is the bureau of housing on?
Tikon: Headache, headache. I have such a headache. What did I drink last night?
Ostap Bender: All right, all right, never mind, I'll find it.
Vorobyaninov: What do you mean you'll find it?
Ostap Bender: Look, I don't give a damn who finds it. All right, it's time for action, you will go upstairs and occupy chair number one and I will lead the attack at the bureau of housing. I'm off.
Vorobyaninov: Wait, what shall I tell them?
Ostap Bender: You will tell them you are cousin Michael from Kiev and you say that all the Vorobyaninovs are dead and that you are willing to pay hard rubles for something to remember them by.
Vorobyaninov: Cousin Michael from Kiev, all the Vorobyaninovs are dead.

EXT. - VOROBYANINOV'S OLD MANSION - SIDE ENTRANCE

Vorobyaninov: I am cousin Michael from Kiev, all the Vorobyoninovs are dead.
Man: Yes.
Vorobyaninov: I am cousin Kiev from Vorobyaninov, all the Michaels are dead.
Man: What?
Vorobyaninov: I am cousin, chair.

EXT. - CITY STREETS

EXT. - OPEN FIELD

Vorobyaninov: Give me that I want that chair.
Father Fyodor: Stop, or I'll call the police.
Vorobyaninov: Police? Police? Give me that.
Father Fyodor: No.
Vorobyaninov: Give me that.
Father Fyodor: No.
Vorobyaninov: Give me that.
Father Fyodor: No.
Vorobyaninov: Give me that.
Father Fyodor: No.
Vorobyaninov: No. Father Fyodor.
Father Fyodor: I- how are you?
Vorobyaninov: Well, this is disgusting. This is truly disgusting.
Father Fyodor: Not so fast. Not so fast. That's my chair.
Vorobyaninov: It's the holy father. Taking up a collection, are you? Here's a donation.
Father Fyodor: Thank you.
Vorobyaninov: Why are you after my chair?
Father Fyodor: It's not yours.
Vorobyaninov: Then who's is it?
Father Fyodor: It's nationalized property. It belongs to the workers.
Vorobyaninov: Did you say the workers?
Father Fyodor: Yes, the workers.
Vorobyaninov: Maybe the holy father is a member of the communist party.
Father Fyodor: Maybe.
Vorobyaninov: But the party is for Atheists. How could a priest join the party?
Father Fyodor: The church must keep up with the times.
Vorobyaninov: How did you find out about the jewels?
Father Fyodor: People talk.
Vorobyaninov: Why you disgusting creature. You used the sacred sacrament of confession to further your own ends.
Father Fyodor: Not really.
Vorobyaninov: Well, you are just about the most comptemptable creature it has ever been my misfortune to meet. You're not worth spitting on.
Father Fyodor: Well you are.
Vorobyaninov: Come back, you coward. You'd better keep away from my chairs.
Father Fyodor: Finders keepers.

EXT. - BUREAU OF HOUSING

Ostap Bender: It's just like a detective story, we have a mysterious rival. Hey, uh, you better get out of here. You look rather conspicuous.
Vorobyaninov: You're right, you're right. Oh, how I hate him. Oh God, how I hate him.

INT. - BUREAU OF HOUSING - HALLWAY

INT. - BUREAU OF HOUSING - BUREAU OF FURNITURE NOT LISTED IN OTHER BUREAUS

Ostap Bender: Hambs.

INT. - BUREAU OF HOUSING - HALLWAY

Father Fyodor: Drapes, Linens. Drapes and Linens.

INT. - BUREAU OF HOUSING - BUREAU OF FURNITURE NOT LISTED IN OTHER BUREAUS

Ostap Bender: Here we are.

INT. - BUREAU OF HOUSING - HALLWAY

INT. - BUREAU OF HOUSING - BUREAU OF FURNITURE NOT LISTED IN OTHER BUREAUS

Father Fyodor: Hello? That's it.
Ostap Bender: Can I help you? Well?
Father Fyodor: I didn't know anybody was in here. I came in and, then I-
Ostap Bender: Persons seeking information are to wait in the waiting area prescribed for them.
Father Fyodor: Yes.
Ostap Bender: It is a criminal offense for unauthorized citizens to tamper with official files.
Father Fyodor: Oh, yes, yes. To be sure, to be sure.
Ostap Bender: Remove your hat.
Father Fyodor: Oh.
Ostap Bender: All right, now that you're in the proper area, would you please state your business?
Father Fyodor: Chairs, dining room, walnut, made by Hambs. Belonging to a certain Ippolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov.
Ostap Bender: Tell me comrade.
Father Fyodor: Yes?
Ostap Bender: Why exactly are you seeking this particular set of chairs?
Father Fyodor: It's, uh, it's personal.
Ostap Bender: I'm sorry. No information. No information.
Father Fyodor: All right. All right. I'll tell you everything. I am Vorobyaninov's son. His firstborn. He was like a father to me.
Ostap Bender: So, you are Vorobyaninov's son.
Father Fyodor: Yes, I am.
Ostap Bender: How old are you?
Father Fyodor: Forty-six, forty-four-
Ostap Bender: Which is it?
Father Fyodor: Forty-two, I'm forty-two.
Ostap Bender: According to our records Vorobyaninov is fifty-three. That means that when you were born your father was eleven.
Father Fyodor: Tick-tock.
Ostap Bender: Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?
Father Fyodor: Oh, no no no no no no no, I was hoping for the best.
Ostap Bender: Well, since you are Vorobyaninov's only son, I'll see what I can do.
Father Fyodor: Thank you. Bless you.
Ostap Bender: Now, if you will just excuse me, I will be back in one moment.
Father Fyodor: Oh, thank you. Bless you.

INT. - BUREAU OF HOUSING - BUREAU OF FURNITURE NOT LISTED IN OTHER BUREAUS - BACK ROOM

Ostap Bender: Ah, perfect. One dozen Hambs chairs property of General Prodyekov. Ah, better make that eleven. Sent to a certain Engineer Bruns, Irkutsk, Siberia. Here we are.

INT. - BUREAU OF HOUSING - BUREAU OF FURNITURE NOT LISTED IN OTHER BUREAUS

Father Fyodor: Ah.
Ostap Bender: Here's your shipping order. Oh, ah, one moment please.
Father Fyodor: Excuse me.
Ostap Bender: Procedure.
Father Fyodor: Uh huh.
Ostap Bender: I hope you find your chairs.
Father Fyodor: Eleven chairs. That's it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you. Bless you.

EXT. - TRAIN STATION

INT. - TRAIN

Vorobyaninov: Moscow. Moscow. The chairs are in Moscow. I can hardly believe it. I mean we are actually going to see them. My chairs are in a museum. I never realized they were so valuable.
Ostap Bender: If they only knew.
Conductor: Moscow.

INT. - MOSCOW MUSEUM OF FURNITURE

Vorobyaninov: They're not here, the chairs are not here. Look, see that cabinet, empire, and those writing tables, Louie Kats. We're on the wrong floor. I know we're on the wrong floor.
Ostap Bender: Take it easy. Take it easy.
Vorobyaninov: And what if they're not here at all? How would we ever find them? Where would we look? Who would we ask? They're lost, I tell you, lost. I never should have-. My chairs. My chairs. That's my furniture. I wonder which one it is.
Ostap Bender: Don't you worry about it. We will know soon enough. We will get the chairs at closing time.
Vorobyaninov: Closing time.
Security: Closing time. Closing time. Closing time. Closing time. Closing time.
Vorobyaninov: What shall we do?
Ostap Bender: Wait until these people go by and then you follow me.
Curator: Here we are. Get those Hambs dining room chairs and put them on the cart.
Ostap Bender: Don't make a sound. Calm, calm, at all costs.
Curator: No no no no no no don't take them all. Leave four, four. We are only taking seven.
Vorobyaninov: Why are they only taking seven?
Curator: We are only taking seven because four is enough to represent the period.
Ostap Bender: That's why.
Curator: Good, good, now, take the chairs to the freight entrance. They will be collected at eight a.m. tomorrow morning. Good.
Vorobyaninov: They're getting away. They're getting away.
Ostap Bender: They're not getting away. We know exactly where they're going. And if luck is with us, we will never have to see those other chairs again.
Vorobyaninov: What do you mean?
Ostap Bender: I mean, thickhead, the jewels may very well be hidden in one of these four beauties.

INT. - MOSCOW MUSEUM OF FURNITURE - LATER

Ostap Bender: What are you doing?
Vorobyaninov: Maybe we missed something.
Ostap Bender: Does this look like we missed anything?

EXT. - MOSCOW MUSEUM OF FURNITURE - FREIGHT ENTRANCE

Vorobyaninov: The chairs. The chairs.
Ostap Bender: I know, shut up. Columbus Repertory Theatre.
Vorobyaninov: Two, four, six, six, seven. Where's seven? They're leaving?
Ostap Bender: It's all right we know where they're going. Our problem is number seven. Where is number seven? Well, I must find out.
Vorobyaninov: Yes, we must find out.
Ostap Bender: Not we, I. You sit here and wait for me. Sit. Sit. Sit.

EXT. - CITY STREETS

EXT. - TRAIN STATION

INT. - TRAIN

Conductor: Irkutst. Irkutsk, Siberia.

EXT. - ENGINEER BRUNS'S HOUSE - IRKUTST

INT. - ENGINEER BRUNS'S HOUSE - IRKUTST

Engineer Bruns: Yes?
Father Fyodor: I am looking for Engineer Bruns.
Engineer Bruns: I am Engineer Bruns. What do you want? What are you doing? What are you doing? Olga. Olga.
Olga: What's going on? What's going on? Andrae, why is that man kissing your knee?
Engineer Bruns: I don't know.
Father Fyodor: Dear lady, dear lady, on you I rest all my hopes.
Engineer Bruns: Will you please get on the chair?
Father Fyodor: No no no no, I must grovel at your feet.
Olga: Put him on the chair.
Father Fyodor: No no no no.
Engineer Bruns: Now, once and for all, what do you want?
Father Fyodor: I want to grovel at your feet I must grovel at your feet.
Olga: No groveling. There will be no groveling in this house. This is a Soviet household, we don't allow groveling.
Engineer Bruns: What do you want?
Father Fyodor: These chairs, I must have these chairs.
Engineer Bruns: He wants our chairs.
Olga: Maybe he's a furniture dealer. Are you a furniture dealer? Is that it?
Father Fyodor: Not for personal gain. I assure you, not for personal gain. My motives are pure. Oh, they're the very best motives. I think you're going to be very impressed with my motives. Yes.
Engineer Bruns: Well?
Father Fyodor: Well what?
Engineer Bruns: You're motives, you didn't tell us your motives.
Father Fyodor: Oh yes, my motives. Motives. Come on, brain. Got it. Oh, the chairs belonged to my wife and her mother before her. And now my wife is ill. She's very ill. She's dying, dying, dead, dying. She keeps calling for her chairs. Oh please, you cannot deny me. It's a dying woman's wish.
Engineer Bruns: Olga, what shall we do? Shall we give him the chairs?
Olga: Don't be ridiculous, nobody's taking my chairs.
Father Fyodor: You dirty-
Engineer Bruns: I'm sorry, I cannot let you have the chairs.
Father Fyodor: I didn't hear that. I didn't hear that. I didn't hear that. I didn't hear that. I didn't hear that. I don't want to hear that don't you understand? I didn't hear that. My God. Hots. That's hot. My dear lady, don't you understand? I need those chairs.
Olga: Andrae.
Father Fyodor: Oh please.
Olga: Stop that. Andrae. Out, I want him out of this house immediately.
Engineer Bruns: That's done it.
Father Fyodor: Wait, wait, let's discuss this like adults. Don't judge a book by it's cover. A momento. A momento of my visit to your lovely home. Wait, wait, I'll pay one hundred rubles. A hundred and two.

EXT. - LOADING DOCK

Captain Scriabin: You down there, If we don't sail in ten minutes, I'll miss the tide.
Nikolai Sestrin: Wait, please, a few more minutes. One of my actors is missing. Gronsky. Where the hell is Gronsky? How the hell can I do the play without Gronsky? Sevitsky, how could you let this happen? It's your job to make sure that the actors are supposed to be where they're supposed to be, and not wondering around drunk somewhere.
Sevitsky: Well-
Nikolai Sestrin: Shut up. Talk talk talk talk talk talk that's all I ever hear from you. Oh my goodness. I look dreadful. Why didn't you say something?
Captain Scriabin: Time and tide wait for no man.
Sevitsky: I like that reading. Maybe he could play the count.
Nikolai Sestrin: Sevitsky, that volger man in the wheel house is only good for one thing, running ships and trying to browbeat his superiors.
Sevitsky: Well, if worse comes to worse, I shall play the count.
Nikolai Sestrin: Worse shall never come to that worse.
Ostap Bender: Excuse me, I'm looking for the commissar producer of the Columbus Theatre.
Nikolai Sestrin: That's me.
Ostap Bender: Good, good. I'm in time.
Nikolai Sestrin: And what do you want?
Ostap Bender: Well, I've just come Gronsky, he told me to find you.
Nikolai Sestrin: Where is he?
Ostap Bender: Moscow General Hospital.
Nikolai Sestrin: Ah.
Ostap Bender: Yes, he was a little in his cup you might say. He tried to stop a streetcar. He suffered two broken legs and minor contusions.
Nikolai Sestrin: And, uh, who are you?
Ostap Bender: Well, I am from the artists union, theater division, I'm to accompany you. I took the liberty of getting an immediate replacement for Gronsky. Fine actor, made for the part. With your permission I will bring him right on board. One moment.
Nikolai Sestrin: I, uh.
Ostap Bender: Guess what, from now on, you are an actor.

INT. - COLUMBUS THEATRE BOAT - HALLWAY

Nikolai Sestrin: Sevitsky, where are you going with that samovar?
Sevitsky: What samovar?
Nikolai Sestrin: That samovar?
Sevitsky: Oh, this samovar?
Nikolai Sestrin: Yes.
Sevitsky: Well, I was going to have it polished up for the show tonight.
Nikolai Sestrin: Sevitsky, if I catch you trying to sell another piece of company property, Siberia.
Sevitsky: I was going to have it polished. I swear, I swear.
Nikolai Sestrin: I hate people I don't like.

INT. - COLUMBUS THEATRE BOAT - STORAGE ROOM

Ostap Bender: I feel something.
Vorobyaninov: I knew it. I felt it. I felt it in my bones. Lucky seven, lucky seven.
Ostap Bender: That is seven, this is eight.
Vorobyaninov: Lucky eight, lucky eight.
Ostap Bender: Seems much too small for all of that loot.
Vorobyaninov: Open it, open it.
Ostap Bender: Empty.
Vorobyaninov: Empty. Somebody must have got to the jewels before us.
Ostap Bender: Oh, there were never any jewels in this box. It was put in by the furniture maker. One set of twelve chairs for I. M. Vorobyaninov. By Christopher Hambs of London.
Vorobyaninov: I really thought we had them. I really thought we had them.
Ostap Bender: Next.
Man: What's going on here?
Ostap Bender: Ah, we are actors. We are members of the Columbus Repertory Theatre. As you can see, my dear sir, some of our chairs were broken in transit, we are repairing them. Misha, hand me the leg. Misha.
Vorobyaninov: Oh.
Man: If you're actors, you'd better get up to the ship's theater. The show's starting.
Ostap Bender: Oh, yes, of course, of course. Come along, Misha. Come along. Come along.

INT. - COLUMBUS THEATRE BOAT - THEATER

Ostap Bender: The worker's are dissatisfied, they intend to make a revolution. Is there any truth to this rumor?
Vorobyaninov: An uprising of peasants and workers. I have never heard anything so absurd.
Ostap Bender: Good.
Vorobyaninov: Then there are the other three chairs in the hold.
Ostap Bender: The other three chairs in the hold depend upon you, my friend. If you go on that stage and make a fool of yourself, you will get us thrown off this ship before you can say Nikolas and Alexandra.
Vorobyaninov: It's only a play. I have attended a theater before, you know.
Actor: To see that stimulating Count Krakov again.
Actress: Oh yes, I too have missed him.
Nikolai Sestrin: Where's Krakov?
Actor: That must be Count Krakov now.
Nikolai Sestrin: You're on.
Actor: Ah, Count Krakov.

EXT. - COLUMBUS THEATRE BOAT

Vorobyaninov: Ostap, take me with you.
Ostap Bender: Not a chance.
Vorobyaninov: Ostap, you'll never catch up with that boat.
Ostap Bender: I don't intend to. I'm going to take the train and meet the boat at Yalta.
Vorobyaninov: Ostap, Ostap. I'm not a strong swimmer. I'm not a swimmer. Help.
Ostap Bender: Vorobyaninov? Vorobyaninov?
Vorobyaninov: Help. Help. Help. Thank you. Thank you. I, cold. It's cold.
Ostap Bender: Here.
Vorobyaninov: Thank you. Thank you. You're a good soul, Bender. A good soul.

EXT. - ENGINEER BRUNS'S HOUSE - YALTA

Engineer Bruns: This borscht is delicious, Olga. I love it cold. Why didn't you ever make it cold?
Olga: How could I've made it cold in Irkutsk? If we didn't eat hot things, we'd have died there.
Engineer Bruns: Smell that air. Smell that air. Like wine.
Olga: I know, I know. Every night I thank God for your transfer to Yalta. I don't think I could have survived another winter there.
Engineer Bruns: My dear. My dearest dear.
Father Fyodor: A hundred and three.
Engineer Bruns: What?
Olga: I didn't say anything.
Father Fyodor: A hundred and four.
Engineer Bruns: Olga?
Father Fyodor: A hundred and five.

EXT. - ENGINEER BRUNS'S HOUSE - YALTA - LATER

Father Fyodor: Ah, good, good. Good, good job. Oh, oh, thank you. Thank you. How very generous of you. You really shouldn't have done it.
Engineer Bruns: Please, go now. I never want to see you again.
Father Fyodor: Oh, I must say good-bye to Madam Bruns. How could I leave without saying good-bye to Madam Bruns.
Olga: No.

EXT. - RESTAURANT

Vorobyaninov: The Chairs. I don't see the chairs.
Waiter: Yes?
Ostap Bender: Uh, we're still thinking. Sevitsky, he looks pregnant. Come on, let's not lose him. We must see where he delivers his child.

EXT. - ALLEY

Ostap Bender: Ah, it's a boy. Comrade Sevitsky, you are under arrest for selling property belonging to the state.
Sevitsky: Borscht, I am having borscht. Oh, it's you, Count Krakov. Well, you've had your joke. Now, if you don't mind, I'll be on my way.
Ostap Bender: Wait a minute. I would like to talk a little business.
Sevitsky: Business?
Ostap Bender: Yes, I'm interested in some chairs. Three of them to be exact. They're in your present production at the Columbus Theatre.
Sevitsky: Oh yes, walnut, gold covers. I'm afraid they are already spoken for.
Ostap Bender: Listen, scum, I want those chairs. Do you hear me? I want those chairs.
Sevitsky: You don't understand. It's quite impossible. I promised them to a certain individual. He's giving me ten rubles a piece.
Ostap Bender: Tell him something else, I want those chairs. Don't worry, you wont be out a kopeck. You will get your thirty rubles.
Sevitsky: My throat.
Ostap Bender: When can you deliver the chairs?
Sevitsky: Tonight, after the performance.
Ostap Bender: You'll bring them here?
Sevitsky: Yes, I'll bring them here.
Ostap Bender: All right now, Sevitsky, please don't disappoint me because if you de I'm afraid I'll have to break your neck. A threat to the wise, hmm?
Sevitsky: All right. Midnight, right on this spot. You'll bring the money, I'll bring the chairs.
Vorobyaninov: Bender, Bender. Thirty rubles, how do we raise thirty rubles?

EXT. - BEACH

Father Fyodor: Thank you. Fine day for a picnic. The others should be along any minute. Thank you. Thank you, and good-bye. Good-bye, have a nice day. Good-bye. Get out of here. Oh, what beautiful wood. Oh, what fine detail. Beautiful workmanship. Beautiful workmanship. What a gorgeous chair.

EXT. - BEACH - LATER

Father Fyodor: Oh, it can't be. It can't be. It can't be. It couldn't be. It can't, it can't be. I don't want to live. I don't want to live. I don't want to live. I don't want to live. I don't want to live. Ow. Ow. Ow. Oh. Oh.

EXT. - PARK

Vorobyaninov: Thirty rubles.
Ostap Bender: Of course. Of course.
Vorobyaninov: What?
Ostap Bender: Never mind. Could you roll your eyes?
Vorobyaninov: Roll my eyes?
Ostap Bender: Yes, roll your eyes.
Vorobyaninov: I don't know.
Ostap Bender: Try it. Oh, that's wonderful. Born to do it. Now, at a given signal, stop it. A given signal from me, you will fall from this bench on to the ground and pretend to have an epileptic fit. You will roll your eyes. You will movie your arms and legs in short spastic jerks. And generally writhe out of control. I will call attention to your pitiful state and the good-hearted citizens of Yalta will shower you with coins.
Vorobyaninov: What a disgusting idea. What filthy taste. There never was, and there never will be a Vorobyaninov who begs.
Ostap Bender: Parasite. Parasite. Parasite. Disgusting, helpless, inept, bloodsucking parasite. Vorobyaninov's never begged. I begged all my life. No listen, old msn, pride is a luxury that neither you nor I can afford at this time of our lives. We need thirty rubles to make our dreams come true. It's sink or swim. I choose swim. Now, to beg or not to beg? That is the question. I will give you five to decide yes or no. On the count of five it's farewell. One-
Vorobyaninov: Yes. Yes yes yes.
Ostap Bender: Good. Now, do your stuff. Attention. Ladies and gentlemen, attention. A comrade, a citizen, a fellow human being cries out for our attention. Epilepsy, my friends, epilepsy. The same disease that struck down our own beloved Dostoevsky. God knows what generous, what great works of art may be trapped in the mind of this poor wretched soul. Oh, this poor man. This poor man. Roll, your eyes. Yes, give, give, so that this quivering, shivering, helpless victim can receive desperately need medical attention. Give, give, please. Give, give, give. Thank you.

EXT. - ALLEY

Ostap Bender: Cigarette?
Vorobyaninov: No thank you.
Ostap Bender: Ah, still angry, huh?
Vorobyaninov: When this business is over, I never want to see you again.
Sevitsky: Oh, you're here, good.
Ostap Bender: Yes, wont you come in?
Sevitsky: Yes. Sorry I'm late. I had to wait till everybody left the theater. It was opening night and there was a party. What can I tell you?
Ostap Bender: You can tell me why you only brought two chairs. We made a deal for three.
Sevitsky: Well, yes, I tried, but-
Vorobyaninov: Where is the other chair? Where is the other chair? Do you know what I went through to raise money for the chairs?
Ostap Bender: All right, come on, you're going to ruin everything.
Sevitsky: What is the matter with you people? Every time we meet you go for my throat.
Ostap Bender: What happened to the other chair?
Sevitsky: There is a thief in our company. It's terrible. He sold the chair to a finish aerialist for ten rubles.
Ostap Bender: A finish aerialist?
Sevitsky: Yes, he works at the fair just outside of town. Could I have my thirty rubles now, please?
Vorobyaninov: Twenty.
Sevitsky: Yeah, yeah, yes. Sorry, twenty. I'm going to faint.
Ostap Bender: Here, here's your money.
Sevitsky: Twenty, thank you. Tell me, why are you son interested in these chairs?
Ostap Bender: Shut up.
Sevitsky: Oh, that's the reason. Bye.
Ostap Bender: Well, don't give up, old friend. Remember the famous Russian proverb. The hungrier you get, the tastier the meal. On the other hand, the French have a proverb. Merde

EXT. - ROAD

Father Fyodor: I love, sometimes I grieve. The sun will shine tomorrow. My anguish will be brief. Oh foolish man. Foolish, foolish man that I am. I must not weep. I must count my blessings. My blessings. I don't want to live. Oh. Thy love, shall banish sorrow. Thy love, shall cleanse my dreams.

INT. - CIRCUS TENT

Vorobyaninov: The chair. How dare you, thief. Come down here this instant. That's my chair. Do you hear me? My chair. Listen you, that's my chair.
Tightrope Walker: Get down, you fool, get down, you'll kill us both.
Vorobyaninov: I want that chair, give me that chair.

EXT. - CIRCUS TENT

Father Fyodor: Oh lord, oh lord, your lamb is lost. Please help me, oh please help me lord. Thank you.

EXT. - OPEN FIELD

Vorobyaninov: It's mine do you hear me. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
Ostap Bender: Very nice. Very nice indeed. A partner in the firm running of with the company's assets. So you wanna play horsy, huh?
Vorobyaninov: Mine, mine, mine. Father Fyodor.

EXT. - SMALL ROCK MOUNTAIN

Ostap Bender: Need a hand, mom pére?
Father Fyodor: Oh, come on, God.
Ostap Bender: The chairman of the board.
Vorobyaninov: Where is he?
Father Fyodor: Yah yah yah. Yah yah yah. Yah yah yah.
Vorobyaninov: Oh, hate hate hate.
Father Fyodor: God sees all. Why do you think he gave me the strength to climb strait up a mountain wall and denied the same to you? There must be some reason. Yah tee tah tah.
Vorobyaninov: Oh God, how I hate him. He mustn't get away. He mustn't get away. He mustn't get away. Mustn't get away. Mustn't get away. Mustn't get away.
Ostap Bender: Fear not, my dear marshal. He will not get away. As a matter of fact, he can't get away. There's no way down. Come on, I'll show you. See? No way down.
Vorobyaninov: There's no way down. He can't get down. He's trapped. He's trapped. You're trapped. You're trapped. Yah yah yah. Yah yah yah. Yah yah yah. Yah yah yah. Yah.
Ostap Bender: Ah, it's stopped raining.
Vorobyaninov: He's very quiet. What do you think he's doing? Do you think he found the jewels?
Ostap Bender: In a moment, the jury will bring in a verdict.
Father Fyodor: Oh lord, you're so strict.
Ostap Bender: Well, the last chair is in Moscow. Only three thousand miles away. Come, my friend, let us not stall.
Father Fyodor: Oh lord, if this is your punishment-. How did I get here? There's no way down. There's absolutely no way down. I'm going to need a great deal of help to get down. Boys? Oh, boys? Yoo hoo, Vorobyaninov? I have always liked you. You know that. We come from the same village. For twenty-five years I have been you're priest. Oh for Christ's sake, get me down. Get me down.

EXT. - VARIOUS PLACES IN THE SOVIET UNION

EXT. - TRAIN STATION

Vorobyaninov: I'm hungry.
Ostap Bender: Where did you lose the man with the chair? Look around, does anything look familiar? All right, come on.

EXT. - MOSCOW RAILWAY WORKERS' COMMUNIAL HOUSE OF RECREATION

Speaker: I now officially open the Moscow Railway Workers' Communal House of Recreation. May it serve to comfort those brave heroes of Soviet transportation, the railway workers of the USSR A free buffet lunch will be served immediately.

INT. - MOSCOW RAILWAY WORKERS' COMMUNIAL HOUSE OF RECREATION - BUFFET LINE

Man: Come on, come on, there's other people waiting. Let's go. There's no more.
Ostap Bender: Come on.
Vorobyaninov: I didn't get it all.
Ostap Bender: Come on.
Vorobyaninov: I didn't get it all.

INT. - MOSCOW RAILWAY WORKERS' COMMUNIAL HOUSE OF RECREATION - CHESS ROOM

Ostap Bender: Here. Would you mind very much if I took something from your plate? I didn't get a chance to get any food. There was a greedy pig holding up the line. Animal.
Vorobyaninov: I'm thirsty. Ostap. Ostap.
Ostap Bender: Yes, Vorobyaninov, the last chair.
Worker: See, we are not the only smart ones. Hello, Comrades.
Ostap Bender: Hello. Hello, Comrades. Welcome. Eat. Take your eyes off that chair. I'm going to check the window. I have unfastened the window latch, and we will return tonight after the club has closed.

EXT. - MOSCOW RAILWAY WORKERS' COMMUNIAL HOUSE OF RECREATION

Ostap Bender: One, two, three. Come on. Come on. Come on.

INT. - MOSCOW RAILWAY WORKERS' COMMUNIAL HOUSE OF RECREATION - CHESS ROOM

Vorobyaninov: The chair, where is the chair?
Ostap Bender: You're sitting on it. Here, here, let me do it. Let me do it.
Vorobyaninov: Well? Well well well well?
Ostap Bender: They're not here.
Vorobyaninov: What?
Ostap Bender: They're not here. The jewels are not here.
Vorobyaninov: It can't be. It can't be. It can't be. Do you hear me? It can't be.
Night Watchman: What's going on here? What are you doing?
Vorobyaninov: Where are my jewels? My jewels were in this chair.
Night Watchman: They were your jewels?
Vorobyaninov: What do you mean were? They are, are my jewels. Where are they?
Night Watchman: Where are they? Look around you. See these chess tables? All this fine furniture? This club was built with them.
Ostap Bender: When were they found?
Night Watchman: Four months ago. Right on this spot in the old club. Kaminsky was putting up a curtain. He was standing on a chair. Suddenly, bang, his shoe went right through the seat. And all that stuff came tumbling out. Diamonds, rubies, necklaces, it was a miracle.
Vorobyaninov: No. No. They were mine. Mine. No.
Night Watchman: See? See? He's mad.
Officer: You, put that down. Oh, you want to play rough, eh?
Ostap Bender: That has done it. Come, we'd better make tracks. Never hit a police man. Never, ever hit a police man.

INT. - MOSCOW RAILWAY WORKERS' COMMUNIAL HOUSE OF RECREATION - ANOTHER ROOM

EXT. - MOSCOW RAILWAY WORKERS' COMMUNIAL HOUSE OF RECREATION

Officer: Halt.
Vorobyaninov: Too high.
Ostap Bender: The horse.
Vorobyaninov: The horse?
Ostap Bender: Jump. Come on.
Officer: Halt.
Ostap Bender: Come on.
Officer: Halt. Halt.

EXT. - STREET

Ostap Bender: Why don't you get rid of that thing? Listen, old man, we have got to split up. It's the only sensible thing to do. The police are looking for a handsome young desperado and a crazy old man with a broken chair. I think I'll do better without you. Look, what are you shaking your head for? I'm not taking a vote, I'm telling you something. This partnership is over, dissolved, finished. The company is bankrupt. Look, here, look, you maniac, three kopecks. How far can we go together on three kopecks? I simply can't afford you anymore. Epilepsy, my friends, epilepsy. The same disease that struck down our beloved Dostoevsky. Give. Give, from the bottom of your hearts.


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