Without sexual frustration, there's no cause to deface and pillage the town and its restroom walls.

Put down the remote and back away

My life as an amoeba

By Zoe O'Reilly
StarNet Dispatches
Fri May 30 02:34:53 MST 1997

With Ellen's coming out and the new trend towards "outing" and the overall hipness involved, there's been a lot of press dedicated to gays, bisexuals and most other sexually-oriented groups. But there is one group continuously overlooked:

The asexual.

I'm out and proud to be asexual. My people are a definite minority group who wish to be recognized like all the others. We want a colored ribbon, a national holiday, coupons for fast food. We want the world to know that we are out there.

School science books make the barest mention of our kind and even then stick to the single-celled variety. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, asexual organisms with more than one cell don't exist. That makes it quite difficult to come to terms with your lack of sexuality. I'm not one of those people who makes a big deal about abstaining from sex. I don't have the self-righteous air that's required and my spare time isn't spent thinking about how I don't have sex. I just don't bother about the subject at all.

I find that being devoid of sexuality makes my life a lot easier. By not having a significant other I am following Thoreau's philosophy of "simplify, simplify, simplify." One less birthday to remember, less food to buy and no one forcing me to place someone besides myself first on my list. And a perfect reason for it all. Like the scorpion told the fox in the old fable, "It is my nature."

By not participating in that aspect of life, my time is freed for other activities: Building shrines, memorizing Cure lyrics, studying forensic psychology ... whatever I want to do. My conversations with friends are about really important subjects like their latest arrest or financial aid woe. No long, convoluted love tales.

Some might say that we aren't really asexual, we just want to think we are. Remember this quote, "I think, therefore I am." Add a couple words, "I think I'm asexual, therefore I am."

I even have a friend who shares this slice of life with me. In fact, when she first contacted me she specifically mentioned our common bond. My home page's FAQ mentions the state of my sexuality, a point I thought would result in some flak. Instead, it resulted in a new friend. It's great because it's more of a subconscious bond. We don't talk about it all the time because there really isn't anything to talk about.

I've never felt inferior because of my asexuality. I never needed to try and act hetero, homo or omnisexual. Sure, I endured the insults that any teen has to live with: "Hey spore girl, let's see some cell division!" Kids can be cruel, but I didn't lose sight of who I am.

Since the day I told them and announced it over the Internet, my family has stood behind me 100 percent, although my sister is still a little perplexed by the whole thing. I've even confessed to them that it may be just a phase, but it is what I am at the moment. They understand. My little brother is even questioning his lack of sexuality.

In this time of teen mothers and raging hormones, my people should be praised for being what we are. Me, the amoeba, the androgynous Pat (from "Saturday Night Live"). Our lives aren't dedicated to reproducing the latest bizarre love triangle on "Melrose Place."

You'll never see us hanging out in the mall hitting on babes or buying smutty magazines from the local Circle K. Without sexual frustration, there's no cause to deface and pillage the town and its restroom walls.

Our time is better spent increasing the numbers of our species. We accomplish this in a clean, no nonsense way : We recruit.

Zoe O'Reilly is trained in the martial arts and prefers to be addressed by her full name: Zoe: Warrior Princess.

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