I Was Almost a Stooge For National Plutocrat Radio

by Barry Crimmins

http://www.barrycrimmins.com

Sunday, February 23, 2003

On Tuesday afternoon (2/18/03), I got a phone call from a representative of the National Public Radio show On Point. She told me she got my name from a friend of mine. She asked if I could do a brief piece on the burgeoning field of aspirants for the 2004 Democratic presidential nomination for a portion of the show called Radio Diaries.

Because I am a professional and only torch bridges when absolutely necessary, I refrained from telling her that I didn't need to have my time wasted by NPR. Again. More often than not, when NPR producers have asked me to write essays for them, they have decided not to use them. Almost always this was because I didn't come in with exactly what was in their mind's ear. A few year's ago I recorded several commentaries at an Ohio NPR affiliate. They never ran. I was never paid for writing and performing them. I never received expenses for a few rather long round-trips to do the work. Eventually it was explained to me that the audio essays didn't run because I sounded too professional to give the commentary the authentic "regular person" feel they desired. You see, as a long-time performer, I knew how to sell what I said. They didn't think I sounded organic enough. And so they brought in other people who were easier to train to seem like they were themselves.

On Point, a show that airs in a few dozen markets, emanates from WBUR in Boston. I gained renown as a political satirist in that town. I have written for the Boston Phoenix for years. I have friends in the arts, academia, the media and the progressive political community. I also know my share of cabdrivers, bartenders, ticket-scalpers, construction workers and municipal employees. I have received numerous awards for my community activism. I started the first full-time comedy club in the Boston area in 1979. It is often referred to as the "fabled Ding Ho." A lot of very talented people started their careers at that club. The first film at the Boston Film Festival next month will be Fran Solimita's When Stand-up Stood Out. It's about the early days of stand-up in the Hub. Word has it I show up a few times. If you do a Google search under the term "political satirist," at least as of this morning, my website is the first place that is suggested.I do not present this immodest collection of fact for purposes of vanity but instead to expose the ineptitude of NPR.

As ever, they approached me as if I were an unknown fledgling in need of guidance. Within the first thirty seconds of the call I knew two things: this woman had no idea who I was and what she wanted me to say on the radio was utter pap.

Two years into the court-appointed Bush administration's destruction of our way of life and the first call I received from NPR was a request to belittle Democrats. Ostensibly they wanted me to make fun of the fact that the field of candidates had grown very quickly in recent weeks. That's right; NPR was soliciting me to satirize democracy for showing signs of vibrancy. And so this young producer tried to steer me that way. She started by mentioning the size of the Democratic field and then asked, "Do you think any of them has the stature to take on George W. Bush?"

I said, "My dog Lloyd has the stature to take on Bush." But then I allowed, "Of course, I raised him myself."

We went back and forth and I said I could run down the field for her. She reminded me twice that the game I was to bag was of the Democratic variety. I said I'd put something together for her. I requested a list of candidates in case I'd overlooked someone. She sent the Dem roster and the next morning, I wrote the piece. They had my script by midday Wednesday. I was supposed to tape it Thursday. I figured if I got it in early, we could sort out any difficulties with time to spare. Like I said, I'm a professional.

Here is what I sent them (minus a few typos and plus one slight change in the Kucinich portion):

Radio Diary

Now that we have selected and ordered the hydrogen cars we will be driving into the glowing future, it is none too soon to begin considering the field for the 2004 Democratic presidential primaries. Someone asked me the other day if I felt any if the announced or potential Democratic candidates possessed the stature to challenge George W. Bush for the White House. When I regained my composure, I realized that my interrogator had queried in earnest. And so I began to consider just who among the Democrats may be equipped to curtail W's court-appointment with destiny.

If the Dems nominate Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman, it would set a precedent. With Lieberman on the fall 2004 ballot it would be the first time a Republican faced a.....Republican in the general election. Joe should do the honorable thing and challenge Bush in the primaries.

Dennis Kucinich, the firebrand congressman from Cleveland, Ohio, gives great speeches and is a wonderful peace activist. He will have to employ both of these gifts to keep himself out of a war with fellow Democrats over his sometimes-weak stance on reproductive rights.

The Reverend Al Sharpton lines up the most consistently with the millions of Americans at the peace marches-- probably because he is the only candidate to consistently attend peace marches. Nevertheless, Sharpton’s primary opponents will likely be spoiling for a Tawana Brawley.

Massachusetts Senator John Kerry says what Iraq needs is globalization but has yet to explain how he plans to move Iraqi oil fields to China. Kerry tells us he snookered Bush by voting for his war. If he can sell that to voters, he should have no trouble debating Dubya.

Senator John Edwards of North Carolina is running as the multimillionaire of the people. His background as a trial lawyer may cause him some tribulations. It’s fine when Dr. Bill Frist assists accident victims with medical care but it is positively un-American to assist the accident victim in recovering damages for trauma and debilitation. Isn't it?

Regardless of what you may have heard, should former Vermont Governor Howard Dean win the presidency, he will not hire Tom Poston to be the White House handyman. He may however bring along an agenda that includes peace, health care and gay rights to Washington. His opponents may experience primary discomfort if they don't adopt the views of this country doctor.

Former Illinois Senator Carol Mosley-Braun’s friendship with the late and unlamented Nigerian dictator Sani Abacha might have caught the eye of the Democratic Leadership Council, which is always on the lookout for candidates capable of collaborating with natural enemies of rank and file citizenry.

Florida Senator Robert Graham could employ geography and gravity in a duel with Dubya. Graham was the chairman of Senate Intelligence Committee when he voted against the Iraq war resolution. It will be hard to call that vote “uninformed.” While Florida governor, Graham brought the state back to capital punishment in stylish fashion by re -commissioning the antique electric chair Old Sparky for executions. The Sunshine State recently replaced the relic with a chair that goes above “medium-high.”

House Minority creator Dick Gephardt of Missouri outflanks Bush on the right concerning Iraq, while providing a moderate counterpoint to Lieberman. On the stump, he's every bit as dynamic as Muenster cheese.

General Wesley Clark may run on a platform of opposition to the US becoming a colonial power. Dick Cheney is privately fuming that someone leaked the minutes of his colonial power meetings to Clark. George Bush thought Florida already was a colony.

If Former Colorado Senator Gary Hart enters the race he would actually widen and shallow the field simultaneously. What will his mantra be this time? New & Improved ideas?

It may not be premature to consider the 2004 Democratic roster but it is certainly too soon to narrow the field. I hope more candidates get in before the winnowing begins. Remember, today's joke can be tomorrow's president. And vice versa.

With a commentary, I’m Barry Crimmins

Not bad for short notice. It was about as innocuous as I can be while retaining the rights to my soul. I did make it clear that I thought the sheer volume of candidates was a good thing. And there wasn't a millimeter of slack for Bush.

I didn't hear anything from On Point that afternoon. Early in the evening, I got an e-mail from the producer (or assistant or whatever she is) saying that another person (and I am withholding the names of these people as a courtesy to youth) would "give you a call tomorrow morning to go over the piece with you. Thanks for getting it to us so promptly. We've been a little swamped today on this end."

I knew this meant trouble. "Go over it with you" was the key phrase. It meant "scrap and rewrite."

I waited around all morning -- no calls. I had other pressing matters to attend to, like the book I am writing for Seven Stories Press. Nevertheless, as a writer/performer I am hardwired to get one task done at a time. And so from Tuesday evening until Thursday afternoon, I was distracted by this radio essay. It only promised to pay a measly $100, but hey, I'm an artist and money isn’t my primary concern. Still, this represented a profoundly insulting fee.

Finally, at 12:15 PM, my promised morning call arrived. A producer, this time a young man, started with tepid praise but then told me what they really wanted was a "satire" on the size of the field. He said this as if I somehow couldn't understand the word "satire." He sold his point by using exaggerated emphasis, as if I needed help grasping the concept that he thinks it's silly for so many candidates to be in the running for the Democratic bid. "There are three new ones this week! When will it end??!!" He was confident at first but that didn't last long. I can be rather difficult, particularly when I’m right.

I said I wasn't the person to write this "satire" because I encouraged by the size of the field. It demonstrated that pols have been emboldened by the grassroots opposition to Bush. The millions in the streets have translated into more choices for president because suddenly it's clear that W is vulnerable. It means the field isn't being prematurely narrowed thereby excising important views before the public can vote on them. It is good in a democracy when there are a lot of candidates. I said I wouldn't make wrong-headed conventional wisdom palatable by making it “wacky.”

I continued by saying that if they think the broadening field is something to belittle, then they really don't possess much political sophistication. A broad field was to be encouraged and celebrated. It is an indication that the possibilities aren't about to be narrowed, making it easier for the moneyed few to buy all the viable candidates.

I made a point of telling this fellow that I understood that it was just his bad luck to have caught the assignment of dealing with me and that this was nothing personal. I actually felt sorry for the guy. He had one trump card -- he could either put me on the air or not. I quickly trumped it by making it crystal clear that they could put their show in an NPR tote bag and place it somewhere far removed from solar occurrences. I told him that their money ($100!!) was not worth my time or talent. I would read the essay I wrote and even clean it up a bit, if they liked. But I had neither the time nor inclination to turn it into something in which I did not believe. He said I didn't understand. They weren't looking for "commentary,” they wanted “satire." Besides, this was a segment called "Radio Diaries" and not meant for commentary. There were plenty of other places to do that on NPR. He said they didn't really want a rundown of the candidates. Well then why the question of "stature?" And why e-mail me the list of Dems with hats in or near the ring? To make fun of the field of candidates for its sheer size would be commentary. Hell, all satire is commentary. And that's what I do, ask around. I am a commentator. I said I understood that my act may not be appropriate for their show but they needed to realize that their show might not be appropriate for my act. Having run dangerously low on italics, I was happy our call was nearly over.

He said he would talk to his "senior producer" and promised to get back to me "one way or the other." He never did. I politely sat around the rest of the afternoon waiting for the return call. It never came. I wasn't surprised but it is annoying when people don't keep their word.

I wish I had read the On Point website before speaking with this person. I'd have quoted its description of what Radio Diaries are: "These personal essays written and narrated by listeners allow fresh voices and fascinating viewpoints to be heard on public radio..."

Slick production standards may make On Point sound sophisticated and elegant but it is run by at least some rather impolite and ignorant people. The representatives of the show I encountered were extremely disrespectful of my time and talent. They were shook up when I matter-of-factly dismissed their absurd presumption that a broadened democratic process should annoy us. Their desire to impatiently belittle something that wasn't immediately obvious to them is right out of the Morning Zoo radio playbook. So the next time you hear something called a “Radio Diary” on On Point, remember that although “diary” implies that personal views are being expressed, on this show the person doing the expressing may well be a stooge mouthing the none-too-thoughtful opinions of the producers.

Finally, I write this as a means of informing people about how the media sometimes works. I am not disappointed or injured. I should understand that I don't click with NPR. (save for way back when, when I regularly visited a show called Heat, hosted by the wonderful John Hockenberry) So if anyone is to blame, it's me -- for allowing my time to be wasted. I just figured I'd take a shot and try to smuggle some content onto American airwaves. Maybe next time.

And oh yeah... They want satire? How about:

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