Simon: 8.9

Scores last updated 8:53 PM, March 26th

Hitler: 9.1

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The Plan

Meet Simon Wright. Yeah, it's not much of a photo. My skin is white as a sheet, and my hair looks all greasy, and I appear to be wearing some sort of delightfully daring watermelon-pink lipstick. It's really the only scanned picture I have, and until recently I didn't have any scanned pictures at all. Actually, I didn't have any pictures of myself, period. My parents have one photo of me since Grade 4, and even in that one I'm way in the background. It's that sort of thing that can drive an otherwise normal kid to making Hitler-related homepages, would-be parents. Keep that in mind.

Anyways, I was skipping school the day they took grad pictures, and historically I've always been the guy holding the camera rather than the subject. But Leslie has sent me some pictures of yours truly that she took with her digital camera, and entertained by the novelty of seeing myself in digital form, I briefly contemplated putting one up on HotOrNot.com.

For those unaware, Hot or Not is as fundamental a use of the internet as any you're likely to find. People post their pictures, other people rate them from one to ten. Egos are shot down, esteems are swollen, self-perceptions are corrected, bandwidth is wasted and productivity is destroyed. Good fun for the whole family.

The problem, of course, is that... well, I'm Not. There is, after all, probably a reason why no one has taken a picture of me in over ten years. The simple fact is, if I dive headfirst into the pool of humanity, I'm gonna end up wanging my noggin in the shallow end. I can't compete with Brad Pitt or Ewan McGregor. I can't even compete with John Smith and Joe Average.

But, I ask myself...

Could I compete with Hitler?

I mean, you've gotta punch your weight. I'm not in the same league as most of the people out there, and trying to compete with them is only going to hurt my feelings. But Adoph Hitler? I really think I might be sexier than Hitler. I may not have his bad-boy charm, but I have quite a few good qualities over him. I hardly ever commit genocide, for instance, and my facial hair is marginally less silly looking. Compared to Hitler, I think I've got a good chance of being more Hot than Not.

So this is my plan: I'm going to submit my picture, and Hitler's picture to HotOrNot.com. I'll keep tabs right here on how the two of us are doing, and god-willing, I'll prove once and for all that I'm sexier than the f├╝hrer. If anyone reading wants to play along, feel free to post your picture as well and make things more sporting.

Because, really, as long as you're sexier than the 20th century's greatest monster, you're doing pretty OK.

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The Challenger

Meet Adolph Hitler. Asshole of historical proportions. Antithesis of sexy. My rival. Also, apparently as unphotogenic as myself since it's impossible to find a decent quality picture of the dude.

But, if this is going to be a fair fight, we should allow Mr. Hitler some leeway. After all, it's hardly sporting to outsexy a guy who's been dead for 60 years. We'll give the big H a little nip and tuck, shave off that unsightly mustache, recolor his skin to get rid of that antebellum look, and give him some blue contacts for good measure, for no reason more pressing than he looked kinda weird with brown eyes. Then, simply crop out those ungainly swastikas and put the whole thing in soft focus, and voila! A foe truly worthy of battle. I mean, he's still hitler, but now he's a SEXY hitler.

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The Tale of the Tape

Category Hitler Simon Advantage
Known As Der Fuhrer Space Ninja Simon
Symbol Swastika Mojo Jojo Hitler
Greatest Achievement Nearly Conquering all of Europe Beating Zelda without losing a single life Simon; close doesn't count, Adolph
Greatest Shame Was defeated, driven to suicide Used a Game Genie for the seventh dungeon Hitler; cheaters never prosper, Simon
Occupation Dictator, madman, host of I am Hitler Student at University of Toronto, ninja from space. Push
Alive? Nope. Aw yeah. Simon
Facial Hair Silly Silly Push
Looks Sort of Like Christopher Walken, Mel Gibson, Bob Newhart A woman on the street once told me I look like Buster Keaton. Hitler. I don't look anything like Buster Keaton.
Appeal Bad-boy good looks, rebel charm Not responsible for any major holocausts Hitler
Skin-tone Shoddily colorized Blindingly pale Hitler
Fashion Sense Hastily cropped out military uniform with swastikas Sexy, sexy top-coat and wild, untamed mane of hair Simon
Genocide? Frequent Rarely, if ever Simon

Final Verdict: Too close to call. Let the jury decide.

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Update #1

Hitler's photo is officially approved by the good people at Hot or Not, and open for voting. My photo is still awaiting approval, probably because they needed to upgrade their systems to handle the sheer volume of my sexy. Ph33r me, hotornot.com. PH33R ME.

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Update #2

That's right, people. Hitler is in the top 20% of the planet, sexywise. Of course, there have only been a few votes so far, and a number of them are probably me giving him 10, so I would imagine his strong showing will be short-lived. I'm almost rooting for the poor guy; he's the ultimate underdog, picked simply for his name value, set up to lose. He's like Rocky, but with more hatred for the Jewish race. My picture has been approved, by the way, but it hasn't recieved enough votes to compete yet. I'll post the links in the morning for those who are dying to vote, but keep in mind that giving me a poor grade will cause me to cry like a little girl.

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Update #3

Hitler's rating has actually gone up, to 8.9. Meanwhile, I am rated at a very respectable 7.8. For the rest of my life, I'm going to have to live with the knowledge that fifteen randomly polled strangers think that I am significantly less attractive than the single most hated man in recorded history. If you'll excuse me, I think I need to go take a nap and hope my score goes up in the meantime. Vote now. Vote often. I beg of you.

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Update #4

Oh, great. Upon releasing the links to the public at large, my score has actually gone down, to 7.4. Meanwhile, that sexy bitch Hitler is up to 9.1. This is really hurting my feelings. If Hitler was so damned appealing, how come he couldn't do better than Eva Braun?

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Update #5

Making a minor comeback, but still not even in Hitler's league. I'm tempted to start taking advantage of HotorNot's "Meet Me!" function. In fact, I'm tempted to start posting Hitler's picture to a variety of online dating sites. Woo unsuspecting women, and then confess before we meet that I am, in fact, the most vile political figure of the modern age, and is that a problem? Grumble... stupid women... wouldn't know sexy if it came up and bit them om the ass...

Really, we need to seriously consider the possibility that what women really want is pure evil. All that crap about looking for a sensitive guy with sense of humor is hogwash. Chicks really just dig the Hitler.

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Update #5.5

Welcome, new visitors following the link from Uncle Scoopy's House of Celebrity Nudity. Your patronage frightens and confuses me, yet somehow warms the cockles of my heart. In a dirty, dirty sort of way.

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Update #6

Lo, a reckoning is at hand! Sorry for the sporadic updates; I took a brief vacation from reading about the sex acts that complete strangers want to inflict upon Adolph Hitler, thanks to the good people at Sympatico High-Speed Internet. Always looking out for my better interests, they saw that I was spending altogether too much time in the web, and decided that taking away my access was the best thing for all concerned. Thanks, guys. Top-flight work as usual.

However, today I return from my vacation, to find that a comeback is being staged in absentia! Apparently after I left, some of the nice people who have linked to me started feeling bad for my groady self, and have been encouraging others to give me high ratings. As a result, my rating has shot all the way up to a pity-based 8.9! Woo! Hitler, being a creature of such raw sexual magnetism that none may resist, still stands above me at 9.1 of course. Nonetheless, that looks like spitting distance to me! It's D-day, punk!

The fact that my attractiveness rating sky-rocketed as soon as I shut up hasn't entirely gone over my head, by the way. I fully expect another crash after people see that I used the expression "in absentia".

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Update #6.5

Sorry! I gave you a 6 because your pretty good looking. But I would fuck Hitler like an animal. Really, I would suck that cock until his other testicle fell off too. You shouldnt have made him look so hot friend.

-Name Witheld for semi-obvious reasons

So, suicide?

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Update #6.6 with a little line over it

And another warm welcome to everyone visiting from Stormfront.org, the most popular white nationalist website on the net! Congratulations on the whole "Hitler being a sexy bitch" thing, guys! Now you've got him, AND Edward Norton to brag about!

Oh, the actual vote thing? Eh, haven't checked it in a while. I'm going pure meta, baby!

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