Disclaimer: This is not True.

Paradox

When Kevin awoke in the morning, it was just the same as always. He traipsed into the kitchenette with his toothbrush sticking out of the corner of his mouth and began pawing through the mini fridge for breakfast

"Whoa, are those real?"

"Are what real, Adge?" Kevin asked around his toothbrush.

"These." He poked at one of the brand-spanking new breasts that sat perkily on Kevin's chest.

Kevin spit into the sink and looked down at himself. "Shit. Shit!" He pinched himself. Hard. "Ow! Shit!" He yanked the waistband of his shorts open and examined the contents carefully. "Fuck!" A serious lack of penis overriding any curiosity he might have had about his breasts. He grabbed AJ's wrist.

"My dick is gone!" He said frantically. "I turned into a girl!"

"For real?" AJ arched an eyebrow. "Can I touch your boobs?"

"What!? No!"

"Not even just a little tweak?" AJ pinched his fingers together in demonstration.

"No! And quit being an asshole, you gotta help me fix this!"

"I'm not gonna help you stuff your shorts, man, if that's what you're looking for."

Kevin looked despondently down at his breasts and then helplessly up at AJ. "What do I do then?"

AJ studied him for a minute. "Um, try to be inconspicuous?"

Kevin grit his teeth, the expression somehow sexy on his newly feminized face. "You're a lot of fucking help!" He grabbed AJ's shoulders and shook him. "I'm six foot three, and I've got tits! How inconspicuous could I possibly be?"

"Dude, put a shirt on."

Kevin colored in spite of himself and crossed his arms self consciously over his chest. "Sorry."

"S'okay." AJ leered a bit. "I didn't mind all that much."

Kevin reached up and popped him in the mouth.

"Ow! You bitch!"

"I don't think you can call me that anymore."

AJ scowled. "Don't think that just because you turned into a girl in the middle of the night, I'm gonna treat you any different."

"Who turned into a girl?" Brian rubbed his eyes and leaned on the counter, looking very much like a toddler just up from his nap.

Kevin sighed. Brian looked up at him as though he hadn't noticed him there before. He made a face.

"AJ, you should have your friend put on a shirt."

AJ stifled a laugh. "Tell her yourself."

"I'll be right back." Kevin said, and stalked out of the room.

"Who was that?" Brian asked.

"Your cousin."

"What? I don't have-" He paused. "Oh." His eyes widened. "Oh! He doesn't seem to be taking it very well, does he?"

"How well would you take it if you woke up with boobs and no dick?"

"Good point." Brian shuddered as though considering the possibility. "What are we gonna do?"

AJ shrugged and crammed a piece of Pop Tart into his mouth. "Do I look like the PR Department to you?" He asked, spraying crumbs.

"There's no way *anyone* could mistake you for PR." He brushed himself off in an exaggerated fashion. AJ poked out a tongue covered in macerated strawberry goo.

Brian recoiled. "Gross."

There was a moment of silence as Brian spread cream cheese on a bagel.

"Your cousin's hot, dude."

"Shut-up, AJ."

"He *is*, did you get a good look at his-"

"Shut. Up."

AJ smirked. "So, what *are* we gonna tell the others? What are we gonna tell the fans?"

"We could tell them you fell off the wagon and we had to ship you off to rehab again."

AJ slapped him upside the head. "Not funny, Littrell."

Brian grinned. "Like you didn't deserve that."

"Fine, whatever." AJ snapped. "What are we gonna do? We're in the middle of a tour; we just had a break. This isn't the most convenient-"

"I'm sorry I've inconvenienced you, AJ." Kevin bit out. "Especially since you've just been one big ball of convenience for the rest of us, what with trying to drink yourself to death and all."

"Kevin," AJ backpedaled. "I didn't mean-"

"No, of course you didn't, AJ." Kevin yanked on the hem of his T-shirt, which bagged strangely on his now narrow shoulders. Brian started edging out of the way, but Kevin grabbed his wrist. "No, stay B, you can be my witness." Kevin's tone left no room for argument. "You should hear what a complete bastard he's been, how selfish. He just put our entire *fucking* tour on hold so he could get his alcoholic ass dried out. And *I'm* inconveniencing *him*?" Kevin's icy green eyes slid across AJ's face. "Fuck you AJ." Kevin struck him across the face with his open palm. "Fuck. You." He spun on his heel and stalked away. The room door fell shut a moment later.

Brian cleared his throat and stared at his breakfast. Anything to avoid looking at the shocked hurt on AJ's face.

AJ coughed. "He hasn't even been a woman for one day yet and he's already PMSing."

Brian couldn't find the energy to laugh.

-------

Kevin parked his fists against his hips, lush, thick hips. He almost yanked his shorts down to check for his tattoos, to make sure he was still himself. He didn't. He was afraid to look and find out he still was.

It occurred to him to wonder how long this was going to last. And what he would do until it was over. Maybe being a girl for awhile wouldn't be so bad.

What would he tell his family?

Shit. Maybe it'd be bad after all. He yanked up his shorts, noticing for the first time that they barely clung to his new, narrower frame. He wondered if he could fit Howie's clothes.

They'd be short, but capri pants were in fashion, weren't they? Kevin had no idea; he moved down the hall and pounded on Howie's door.

Howie answered, sheet wrapped around his waist and his curls plastered flat against his skull.

"What?" He demanded wiping at his eyes. Sweet D? Maybe, but Howie was not a morning person. He did a double take and wiped his eyes again. "Kev? What-?"

"Like I know, just let me in, please."

Howie glanced behind him. "Okay, but you're gonna have to be quiet. Nicky's still asleep."

"What's Nick doing-?" Howie made a face. "Oh." Kevin cleared his throat with some degree of discomfort. "I'm not interrupting..."

Howie shook his head. "We're through for now."

Kevin blushed in spite of himself.

"Listen," he said, hitching his shorts up. "You do have any clothes I can borrow?"

Howie grinned. "You think they're big enough for you?"

Kevin shrugged. "So, what? I'm not just a girl, but I'm also a fat girl?"

Howie shook his head and pinched at the bit of extra flesh Kevin now carried. "You've just got some childbearin' hips on you, that's all." He smiled appreciatively. "Very curvy, Kevin. Nice."

Kevin pulled out of Howie's reach. "Are you gonna let me borrow your clothes, or not?"

"Why don't you ask Brian?"

Kevin scowled. "He's back in the room with AJ."

"So?" Howie paused. "Did AJ try to feel you up?"

"No." Kevin replied, even though he sort of had.

"Did Brian?"

"What? No!" Kevin bit his lower lip. "I just kinda said a few things to AJ that maybe I shouldn't have."

"Like what?"

Kevin flinched. "I might have called him a drunk, and selfish, and maybe a bastard..."

"You *might* have, or you *did*?" Kevin cringed. "Oh, Kevin." Howie shook his head. "Why did you go and do that?"

"He said I was being inconvenient. I guess I'm still sorta mad at him."

"Well, maybe you should apologize."

"No."

Howie rolled his eyes. "Typical. You can't just keep avoiding him."

Kevin crossed his arms. "Yes I can."

"Whatever. Look, I think I have a pair of shorts you can borrow, but you gotta talk to AJ."

Kevin brushed his fingers through his hair, thankful suddenly that it was so long. "Will you give me the shorts if I don't talk to him."

"No."

"I'll just roll my jeans down. Thanks, D."

Kevin flounced out of the room with a subtly feminine twist of his hips. Howie was impressed; Kevin was getting the hang of this woman thing already.

"Who was that chick, Howie?" Nick asked drowsily, dragging fingers through pillow mashed hair.

"Kevin." Howie replied with an indulgent smile.

"A chick named Kevin? She was pretty hot, anyway."

"That was our Kevin, Nicky." Howie dropped his sheet and crawled up on the mattress.

Nick gave a sleepy smile. "She was still hot." Howie slid his hand under the blankets and Nick tilted his head back with a soft groan.

"Was she?"

Nick arched his hips. "Not really."

-------

Kevin leaned against the closed and locked door to his room, suddenly wishing he couldn't so vividly imagine his keycard sitting, all shiny and pretty, on top of the TV. He had two choices: he could go to the front desk. But there was no way he'd be able to pass for anything except a psychotic fan.

A psychotic fan in men's underwear no less.

Or, he could knock and run the risk of having to confront AJ. He sighed. And knocked. And, praise God, Brian answered. He looked pained, and for a minute Kevin felt a little guilty. But not really all that much. He had more pressing concerns.

"B, can I borrow some clothes?"

"Do I look like a drag queen to you?" Brian's attempt at humor fell flat.

"Yeah." Kevin deadpanned. "Look, I don't need heels and skirts, just something that's not underwear." He yanked disdainfully on his shorts.

Brian looked him over. "Lemmie look. Come on." He turned away. "Hey, Kev?"

"Yeah?"

"You call your mom, yet?"

Kevin groaned. He just couldn't catch a break.

-------

"So," Howie asked lazily. "What's the plan?"

"Maybe this won't last very long." Brian suggested.

"Maybe it'll last forever." AJ said snidely.

Kevin scowled at him. Howie sighed and draped his legs across Nick's lap. "Let's say this is a long term thing. Kev, can you sing?"

"Sing what?"

"I am Woman." AJ replied.

Kevin scowled harder.

"Sing 'Show Me the Meaning.'" Nick said.

Kevin did. And his voice was lovely, as gorgeous as it had ever been. And that was fine, except that now he was a high alto. Faces fell.

"What are we gonna tell people?" Kevin groaned.

"How about the truth?" Nick suggested.

"Yeah, that'll be great." Brian said. "I can see the headline now: 'Backstreet Boy in Transvestite Shocker.' That'll be swell for our image."

"Oh, fuck you, Brian." Kevin huffed.

"What?" Brian frowned. "It's not like you're the only one in this group."

"Maybe not, but sometimes I wish I was."

"That can be arranged." Nick said coldly.

"Yeah, especially since you always fucking act like it." AJ added.

Kevin eyed him. "I'd like to reinstate my previous fuck you, AJ. And add another for good measure."

"You're such an ass hole, Kevin."

"Right back at'cha, Adge." Kevin looked at Brian. "If you're worried about our rep, check him first." He nodded in AJ's general direction.

"Just what does that mean, Kevin?" AJ's body tensed and he peered over the top of his sunglasses.

Kevin set his jaw. "I'd think that a transvestite would be a better role model than a drunk." He let his voice catch on the hard 'k'.

AJ scrambled to his feet. "I- you-!" He trailed off lamely and drew up his fist.

Kevin smirked. "Go on, AJ, hit me." He offered up his chin. "Hit me if it'll make you feel like a man."

So AJ shrugged, and hit him.

With a feminine yelp, Kevin tumbled from his perch on the back of the couch.

"I cannot believe you just did that." Brian pried Kevin's fingers apart to assess the damage.

"Hit a girl? Or hit Kevin?" Nick asked. "Not that he didn't deserve it..."

"Either. Both." Howie said.

AJ threw up his hands. "Neither! Kevin's not a girl, he's just- just Kevin!"

Kevin righted himself and brushed his fingers over his split lips. "Fucker!" He spat and launched himself at AJ, Knocking the other man sprawling. Kevin managed to get in one good punch before AJ got his arms up to cover his face.

He would never accuse anyone of fighting like a girl again.

"Get off me, Nicky." Kevin said. In spite of the high pitch, the tone was unmistakable. AJ dared to drop his arms.

"Will you hold him, so I can get a good lick in?" He asked.

Nick gave him a look. "I think you already got one."

"I think that's about enough of that." Howie said. "Whatever crawled up your asses has got to go, of we're gonna get rid of you and keep your asses."

"This is not my fault-" Kevin began.

Howie held up his hand. "Work it out, or I'll hold your arms and let Nick put a red ass beat down on you."

"Don't kill each other." Brian said warily, and followed Nick and Howie out of the room. The door fell shut, almost ominously and the two combatants eyed each other from opposite sides of the room.

"You okay?" AJ asked.

Kevin brushed his fingers across his lips. "Yeah, mostly. You?"

"Yeah... So..."

"So..."

"So what crawled up your ass and died?"

"My ass?" Kevin clapped a hand to his chest. "Mine? I could ask you the same question."

"You're the one who's been a jerk lately."

"So've you."

"No I- okay, fine, I have. I've been the jerk." AJ said sarcastically. "Why don't you just run me out on a rail for it, better yet, crucify me. Brian can wear me around his neck."

"Don't think it hasn't crossed my mind." Kevin replied. "But I wouldn't want to saddle him with you. We could just prop you up somewhere."

"You can have a special pedestal for me for shows." He smiled ferally. "And Fatima won't have to teach me how to dance anymore."

"We'll just rig you up on wires and fly you over the audience."

AJ laughed in spite of himself. "And wouldn't that piss off a lot of people."

Kevin crossed his arms. "Sounds like your usual M.O."

AJ shrugged. "It comes with the territory. I'm the bad one, remember?"

"How could I forget? And I'm the big brother one, AJ, I'm supposed to keep you in line."

"You're not looking real brotherly right now, Kev." AJ paused. "You know it's really not your job to-"

"Yes it is." Kevin replied. "I was responsible for you, not just you, all of you. You and Nick especially." He took a deep breath. "You were just a kid, Bone."

"That didn't mean I couldn't have taken care of myself, Kevin. I'd been doing it up to that point."

Kevin arched an eyebrow. "This from the kid who used to cry from homesickness when we were in Germany."

"I- that was just-" AJ took a deep breath and looked away.

"Do you know how hard it was for me to sit back and watch you fuck yourself up? I wanted to tell myself that you were an adult, but I couldn't let it go."

"Why? I would have figured it out-"

"I didn't want you to die, you dumbass. Jesus! What do I have to do to make you see? I give a damn, and you don't seem to."

"Do you?"

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"Jesus, Kevin, you're so fucking clueless. You don't even know what's going on around here most of the time, even when it's right under your nose. Do you know how long Howie and Nicky were together before you found out?"

Kevin crossed him arms. "It can't have been more than a few months-"

"Try a year, Kev." AJ replied. "And you know Brian, your cousin? He worships the ground you walk on; he tries so hard to be like you in every way. He's miserable, Kevin, because he'll never be as tall as you or as pretty. He does other things to compensate, he marries a woman three years his senior. He tries to act more adult than he is because he thinks that what she expects from him. Because he thinks that's what *you* expect." AJ paused. "And me, Kevin, I have *never* thought of you as a father figure or a big brother type."

Hurt clouded Kevin's eyes. "I- you didn't?"

"No. But you never noticed that, did you?"

"Notice what?" Kevin asked dumbly.

AJ scoffed. "I'm in love with you, Kev, I have been since, like, forever."

"You're just saying that because-" Kevin dropped off and looked down at himself.

AJ shook his head. "You didn't know that I was into men either, did you?"

"No." Kevin suddenly felt very small. And very very stupid.

AJ smirked. "Probably not the best way for me to come out, is it?"

Kevin shook his head. "No."

"Is that all you've got to say? No?" Kevin didn't reply. "Well, say *something* Kevin. Say anything, call me a fucking faggot if you want."

Kevin shook his head. "I wouldn't..." He looked wounded; like an animal.

AJ didn't know what else to do. He grabbed Kevin's shoulders and kissed him. It didn't feel like AJ had expected it to, soft curves where there should have been hard muscles. But it didn't matter, they were Kevin's curves, and Kevin's hands in his hair and, oh God, Kevin's mouth opening and responding.

"Kev-"

"Just shut up."

The rest was surprisingly easy. Clothes fell into puddles like rain and AJ was over and in and Kevin never knew that girls had it so good. He wished for fingernails. Wished he could mark AJ's back so he could have proof that this happened.

He settled for sucking on AJ's neck, imprinting permanently the sound of AJ's voice as it warbled in contentment.

He lay under AJ for hours, minutes, not long enough. And then it was over, in an electric shock of pleasure and a hot flood inside his body.

Kevin wanted to cry.

AJ clutched him close, and shushed him gently. "I'm sorry, Kevin."

"No, don't be." Kevin replied. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry..."

"About what?"

Kevin didn't know anymore. "This can never happen again." He said, brokenly.

"I know." AJ whispered.

"And I-"

"I know, Kevin." AJ's voice was tight and pained. "Just, go to sleep, okay?"

"Yeah, okay." Kevin curled himself around AJ's warmth.

Part of him wondered what the morning would bring.

The rest prayed the morning would never come.

But it did come. Kevin didn't have to open his eyes to know that he was still wrapped around AJ. Didn't have to lift the sheet to know that he was a man again. It felt good, comfortable, like an old pair of jeans.

He disengaged himself carefully from AJ's hot embrace, and rolled off the edge of his bed so he could call his wife. It was nice to have things back to normal.

Nice.

Kristin was right. Nice *wasn't* a compliment.

~Fin


Home