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just an ordinary gay guy in an ordinary college town, living in the conservative "where family values and gays don't go hand in hand" part of Texas. Sounds wonderfully Enchanting, doesn't' it?


























 
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AtomicPup's Blog
 
Monday, March 24, 2003  
Okay I am going to try a general update for the past few weeks. The last major regular update was during my vacation. During that week I went to see sean in houston a few days, the came home and had chill time by myself and hung out with friends for the rest of that week. Tuesday the 4th i went back to work on a reallly ODD schedule. I worked 8 pm to 10 AM tuesday night thru sat night/sun morn because of the store remodel. ended up with 60 hours for that actual week but if you count sunday as part of that week (which technically it is because i was there from sat night thru sunday afternoon) it ended up being 70 hours. what a way to wear yourself out after a vacation right?????? but the money was good on those two paychecks I must admit. I had no social life whatsoever all week. it was either work, email, bit of tv, and sleep. I was starting to feel crazy! The week after was hellacious because we had so much work to catch up on because the remodel set us back a LOT. We are STILL catching up ... very stressful. The drama is still going on at work, and all this backed up work isnt helping to make the stress any easier. totally sucks. Anyway between this time I have been working and hanging out with either kaylee and ashley on Thursday, or Melinda or Sean on weekends. Melinda had a party that saturday night before i started the night shift work. It was her birthday. It was fun. I got way too drunk though. This past week has been pretty kewl. Sunday the 16th I worked all day then went out with melinda ot Northgate for a while... Monday I was a big old bum and did nothing useful all day.. didnt talk to anyone.. anything... felt good. Tuesday I did comm. service then hung out with Melinda again at her house for a Mexican dinner party. We watched the Zero Hour war coverage and stuff of course. Wednesday, i bummed out again, acutally was sick as a dog with all day with a severe migraine, so stayed alseep as best as possible and finally woke up about 5pm feeling mostly okay. Thursday I opened the store worked my ass off, got off and went out with Kaylee and Ashely to Harry's where Sean met up with us. We got ashely really drunk. Friday I worked and went out to Northgate with Melinda to see the Music Fesitval. Saturday I worked then went out with my neighbor to the dance club Concept. Today I worked 9-8 then came home and fucked around on this here computer. So now I am caught up as best as I can remember. ;-)
3/24/2003 03:06:07 AM

 
ewww, speaking of working at the mall made me think of the weirdest thing I have seen in a while. Yesterday, it was busy as hell as usual, a saturday evening, I was in the backroom doing some paperwork and an associate called me to the front because of a "customer complaint which needed immediate attention." I come to the front and the two other associates are gleefully waiting for my arrival. When I get there they all point to the floor in front of the cash register area. SItting there, looking extremely guilty perverse and disgusting was an unwrapped... and extremely moist --- CONDOM. How it got there we will never know. I am only thankful that any one of the several young children in the store didnt notice the "balloon" on the floor and start playing with it.....
3/24/2003 02:43:22 AM

 
Wow, I feel kind of bad. its been quite a while since my last entry. maybe I'll decide to catch up on the last three weeks or so in the next few entries. Maybe not. You know I was just thinking about the job I have working in the mall. I live in a small city... too big to be a town but too small to be anything REALLY interesting. population about 100,000, plus shoppers from various nearby small-towns within an area of about 30 miles surrounding the area. Its funny because, based on the checks I take in at work at at the mall about half are from the actual city metroplex (bryan-college station) and the other half from the various small towns surrounding. Working in the mall is not all that bad if you are a people person, which I am. You get the flow and energy constantly, and it can be a really fun place to work. I dont know why I started thinking about working at a mall, but I was reading something somewhere about mall employees and started thinking about it. I really DO enjoy working in the mall. Weekends and holidays are HELLacious, but overall its like a social gathering while having to do actual work. Having the two combined is a great opportunity for extroverts llike myself. Well, I must admit I have a serious introverted "dark side" to me (tongue in cheek), but overall I love being around crowds and people. Hell, you should see the store Hot Topic here in the mall... okay the associates dress like your basic gothic depressed introverts, but chirply holler hello and smile broadly when you enter the store... lol I could write all day about different aspects of working at the mall. A job at the mall definately affects your entire life to some degree. I have worked at the mall here for three years, and many many times when I go out to bars or clubs or a party, I am recognized... but one of those... "oh my god, I know you from somewhere" sort of things. When it first started happening regularly I wasn't certain why, but now almost immediately respond "I work at the mall." I am gay (obviously if you have read my blog), and am almost always "known" by the entire gay community simply because I work at the mall. They don't know me, but know who I am. I am also the subject of gossip circulating thru the gay mallrats community which sometimes tranfers to the gay general community. And of course the good old standard mall employee gossip which spreads from employees down at Dilliards to the Shoe Department. Its a interesting sort of community/culture that develops when you have worked at the mall long enough. You know the mall (shoppers)regulars who area always there, but rarely buy, the regulars who are always there and always spending. (Some of the best customers are actually mall employees.) And of course... my personal favorite... the old fogies pacing around the mall every morning at 9 AM an hour before the stores open. I can't forget to mention the security guards walking around like they are the shit.... who actually don't do anything more than guard spills so they can call maintenance to come and clean up. They get more sceered than an 8 year old girl if called to help control a shoplifting or any sort of "threatening" incident which may occur. They tell us they are not here for that purpose.... their job is to ensure customer safety. oh fuck em anyway. I love chasin after the shoplifters myself anyway.
But my point it, if the store I worked at wasn't in the mall, I don't think I would be working there as long as I have. There are two other locations in town, and as the company does whats called "shared labor" I have helped out at the other stores several times. The clientele is COMPLETELY different... shops differently, has different expectations of the associates, different attitude.. evertyhing. You don't have same energy feel and flow or atmosphere either.... I dont enjoy it. Funny... but true.

3/24/2003 02:31:35 AM

Sunday, March 02, 2003  
okay, well it has been a WHILE since my last update. I have been busy and when not busy... sleeping! Last weekend I stayed out all weekend long for the most part. Last thursday (the 20th) night, Sean, the guy i have been seeing came down, and we went to Duddley's Draw here on northgate. Duddley's is a regular straight bar that is "gay friendly"on thursday nights. so basically on Thurs, it is the town's gay bar. So we went there and had some fun, then he had to leave for work at 7 am on Friday. I went to work friday 9-6 then came home and got ready and went back out again to Northgate with some friends. came home, passed out, woke up at 8 and went to work til 6 again (sat now), then got off, drink some beer, and went out again to Concepts with some lesbian friends. Somehow late that night after I had gotten home, I spilled some beer on my keyboard, so it went totally whack, i couldnt type anything but jibberishfor two days. Sunday I overslept and was almost late opening the store, but made it in time. WEll my keyboard started working, and that same damn day I spilled something else on it! By this time it is Tuesday the 25th. This was my first day of vacation. I went to my probation meeting, didnt get in too much trouble for lack of community service thank god. That night Sean came and picked me up and i went to his house in Houston til thurs afternoon. He has a lot of nifty shit. TONS AND TONS of dvd's, xbox, nintendo 64, huge ass tv, anda really nice apartment. Sean told me he is falling in love with me. This really freaks me out in a way... its almost like I don't want to be with him anymore. I think I am scared of getting too close to anyone again. I can't help the way I am feeling tho, so I am just gonna keep seeing him, if the feelings keep up I am gonna talk to him about it. I was supposedto go to dallas with him this weekend but made some bullshit excuse so I wouldn't have to spend TOO much time with him. Itslike I want to see him... just not too much. I like him... definatley not in love or fallingi yet, but i do feel affection for him, do think about him etc. I don't know how to explain it. I need some help here!!! All I know is, I have finally found a decent guy, and I dont know how to make sense of the way i feel towards him. If i dont know already, should i let him go NOW?? or should I wait and see how things grow?? I just don't know what to do. Maybe I am only clinging to the fact that he IS a good guy, yet there is no chemistry. that cant work either. sigh.. I DONT KNOW.
Well anyway.. so Thurs night (27th) I went out with Kaylee and Ashley to Harry's and had a blast. we made plans to go to Mardi Gras in Galveston for Fri and Sat, but I backed out friday cause i decided i was too broke. So friday night I went out Northgate with Melinda and had a blast, and then tonight I went out with Megan to Harry's and then Northgate. I went over to a friends house a while ago, just got home. and so now, for the most part I am up to date for the past week... blah.....

3/2/2003 06:32:51 AM

Monday, February 24, 2003  
havent updated in a few days... had a busy weekend, and then my keyboard decided to go wacko on me. I have to work 9-9 today, and am on a lunch break right now, but will write more when i get home tonight. After today i will have the next 7 days off WOOHOOO!!! i am so excited.
2/24/2003 01:42:19 PM

Thursday, February 20, 2003  
I can't sleep!! arrgh. I fell asleep watching a movie (Back to the Future part 3) about 2 am.. woke up wide awake at 4 am, and just keep tossing and turning when I try to go back to sleep. So I decided to come check email. Nothin but a crap load of spam. I swear, in a period of two days, I will gather like 2 Megabytes of SPAM in my inbox. Its outrageous.
2/20/2003 05:41:07 AM

Wednesday, February 19, 2003  
ahh, just got off work. Always a good feeling. Beer in hand and music playin. So anyway, I got my work schedule somewhat straightened out. Looks like I will be able to start my vacation four days earlier instead which is kewl. I've been waiting for this for three months so wasn't looking forward to having to wait another month or something. I really need to wash clothes, but tomorrow is my scheduled day off, so am thinking I will put it off until tomorrow hehe. But I will HAVE to do it tomorrow evening so that I can go out tomorrow night. I havent heard from Sean today yet, don't know if he will be coming tonight or not. If he does, I have to get up early anyway and go do that community service I DIDNT do Tuesday.
Tena, my boss, is driving me crazy. I work am the assistant manager at a shoe store in the mall here in town. She is having a lot of personal problems, plus some stress we are having at work with other employees causing shit with each other. She is about to go nuts I think. She was having chest pains the other day. I told her to go home, and take another personal day this week. Poor woman.... She has never really been able to hack this job. Not her fault... but she is mid fourties, and has arthritis probs, and because of payroll issues she has to work the most, but is very slow at getting physical work done. I have to run circles around her to get stuff finished in time, and only get paid half as much as she does. Frustrates me. I do like her very much as a person though, but really kind of wish she would quit or get fired so that I can take her position. anyway, gonna check email.

2/19/2003 09:43:39 PM

 
God, Today has started off suck ass. I was supposed to be at work at 1 pm, BUT i fell asleep watching tv and didn't get there til 2:30. Sean left at 9:30 this mornin to go to work and I wasn't sleepy anymore so started watching a movie. Well I guess I got sleepy at some point and passed out w/no alarm set. Oh well, my boss wasn't too pissed so i guess its all good. But days like this always suck. Gotta go grab a bite to eat and head back to work.
2/19/2003 05:23:00 PM

Tuesday, February 18, 2003  
yawn... well I didn't go to salvation army today. I've been a great big bum. I woke up with a message on my phone that um... i cant have my vacation the week i scheduled it?? Apparently my store is having a remodel that week. WHAT LUCK! sounds about right though. Hopefully I can take it earlier rather than later.
2/18/2003 05:02:51 PM

 
A couple of days ago, according to Reuters news, "Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge said the threat of a major terror attack against the United States in the next three weeks was perhaps the equivalent of 8 on a scale of one to ten." Whoah... this is scary folks. The most horrific thing about that? I have talked to more than a few people the last couple of days who had no idea whatsoever there was even a threat! When I brought it up to a coworker, she asked, "What are you talking about?" My God....
I worry that we as a People (The United States) have become that egotistical undefeatable football team that eventually gets their ass whooped by the last ranked team simply because they thought they had the game won before it was even played! I hear people say... "naaa there is no way they could get us again!" But you know what? they did it once... and these guys are not stupid. They would surely realize security would increase dramatically after the first attack on the Twin Towers etc, and would have something else prepared, something even sneakier, more secure, more threatening! I pray that our people are thinking like the enemy, and not thinking like that egotistical undefeatable football team.

2/18/2003 06:36:57 AM

 
I need to sleep. I think I am gonna skip out on my community service today now. Just enjoy the personal day I took off from work.... oh yes.... but that would be just terrible of me wouldn't it?? damn who cares.
2/18/2003 05:20:16 AM

 
The Smoking Gun

I just had to say... this site ROCKS!

2/18/2003 03:16:49 AM

 
arrgh, Well anyway, the reason I ahve to get up early in them mornin (about 7 or 8) is because I have to go to the salvation army and do some community service. Last summer, about a month after I met Danny, I was with some friends a saturday night at a coffee house. Well me and danny decide we want to get a six pack of beer and watch a movie at my apt. So I dont have a car and don't have cash on me, but my friend, who is 17, offers to take me to the store and let me borrow five dollars til I see him next. So we get to the gas station, he hands me the five, I go in, get my beer, come back out and we leave. The cops pull us over and i get arrested for contributing to a minor!!! oh my god it was so humiliating, and to think I was completely innocent (morally)! I went ahead and took the deffered adjudification and comm. service tho (probation) because legally what i had done was wrong... maybe not in the moral sense of the laws but technically. BITE MY ASS!!!!!!
so i get to go work and not get paid tomorrow! how exciting is that???

2/18/2003 02:08:04 AM

 
God, I am tired and I have to get up early. Why must I sit here awake and do absolutely nothing?? and in fact complain that I SHOULD be sleeping? oh well... hehe....
2/18/2003 01:38:24 AM

 
This is a song I wrote when i first broke up with danny. well like a week later anyway. I have written poetry before but never a song. i have music in my head, I need to write it out one day before i forget it. its kind of Creed-like in my head. so maybe that is a bad thing.

My All for You
(1st)
im holding hands with faith for whom i blame
and trample thru a door that holds no shame
i feel the wind blow cold and cast aside
a truth I need; you can't provide

(chorus)
A thunder calls
I feel the wake- a day of doom
The thunder brawls
I surrendered this, my all for you

(2nd)
I don't have the strength to see what's real
I carry through the day all this I feel
Rummage through and throw away en masse
apparent motivations I surpass

(chorus)
A thunder calls
I feel the wake- a day of doom
The thunder brawls
I surrendered this, my all for you

(interlude)
why does my heart grow cold now-
why do I heed blank memories-
can't the desire just hold out...
(but) I'm drowning now -I need to breathe

im holding hands with faith i blame
trample thru a door that holds no shame
i feel the wind blow cold ..casting aside
a truth I need... you can't provide

2/18/2003 01:13:55 AM

 
Okay, I am bored again. so here goes. Well, I have been kinda keepin my eyes open for nice guys during the past month or so, but no one at all has sparked my interest. I mean, I will meet a cute guy, but he's an asshole, that kind of stuff. So I have messed around a bit but I havent met anyone decent. Which is no big deal 'cause I havent really been looking yet. Well I put an ad out in Yahoo personals, because I am sick and tired of all the drama queen fairies that are in this town. I wanted some "normal" i.e. stereotypically "straight acting" gay friends as well! They seem very hard to come by around these parts. either that, or they are hiding from me. So I get a reply from this dude from Houston. Only reply i have even gotten so far in fact. he seems pretty kewl so we chatted on yahoo messenger and stuff for about a week or two. We decide to meet and we hit it off pretty good. He is attractive, has a good job, really sweet etc etc. All of the things I NEED to be looking for in a relationship. I don't feel the immediate FIRE chemistry like I did with Danny, but i think that is part of what was wrong with me and danny. It was only a quick burst of fire that shouldn't have burned as long as it did.. should have been hot and fast. hm or something like that anyway. But usually... the good ones... like this guy MIGHT be... i always throw back in favor of something more intense and crazy. I think this time I am gonna go a different route. maybe a fire that starts off slow does get bigger and brighter and much stronger than that passionate explosion that always ends up self destructing on me. Time will tell won't it? :)

2/18/2003 01:09:21 AM

 
I just had to say, I really need a cigarette but I don't feel like going to the store. Thank you.
2/18/2003 12:06:52 AM

Monday, February 17, 2003  
okay so anyway, my friends come over the next day and I box everything while they move it to the trucks. (i was really sore). I stayed with them for 5 days during which time i was working and looking for a new place. Got a new apartment. Where I am at now. Christmas was pretty hard on me, I was feeling really sorry for myself, still totally and completely in love... no... ADDICTED to danny and missing him (yes MISSING) terribly. My friends were all certain I would run back to him, which... i came close, but i didnt. Initially following our breakup I was so freakin lonely. I became a bit of a slut for all of two weeks. but a slut nonetheless. My friends were worried. After about a month, I slowly started coming back into reality. Started realizing life was actually better without him. Even tho i still missed him. Today, a little over two months after our breakup, I am actually thinking of possibly dating again. cause you see... i have met this guy... but its really kewl, cause now I find myself not even thinking of danny at all. more on that later. I need to check email.
2/17/2003 11:17:20 PM

 
Okay... So anyway, I go over to Danny's house, which is actually a little cabin on his parent's property in the middle of BFE. I was a little nervous, seeing I didnt know the dude, but was really too drunk to care. So we chill and talk and watch TV... wow the guy actually seemed sweet. We made out and all that fun stuff, but we didnt do anything else at all. We cuddled and slept. cuddled and slept til like 5 the next afternoon (my bday now). So its my bday and my friends are expecting me so we can do stuff, and he has no phone in the cabin so he goes to his parents and makes a call to find a ride (he has no car, but neither did i). I get back home eventually and go out for my bday night. the next day I get a call from Danny, says he really likes me would love to see me again. Well... to that day and point I had really reallly realllllly been avoiding going anywhere with Men in any relationship form besides the occasionally messing around, one nighters. Reason? because I felt most gay men I knew were assholes and no good. Well... men in general. (thats an even longer story haha) But I really liked this guy. he seemed "different" Like genuine. I realize now... I think maybe I was just DESPERATE. but I guess that would be getting ahead of myself. So he comes over to my place, and ended up not leaving again except to get clothing etc!!!! hot damn... i moved that fast. Thinking about it now makes me want to slap myself. Part of the reason i did this was because the bitch i was living with had her BF living with us. not paying ONE DIME in rent. but making HUGE messes. So in a way it was partially revenge partial lonliness, etc etc etc. blah blah blah. So he moves in and tells me he is gonna get a job etc. Well the bitch roomate moved out because i had someone there who wasn't paying rent! (GASP???!!) and we had a gay couple move in who were friends with us mutually. Well I have to stay on Danny's ass constantly begging him to geta job because i cant afford to support him etc. By Sept, he had just gotten a job working 15 hoursa week (that he blew all on alcohol then depended on MY check again) and we were living with Two Gay Drug Dealers. Danny had cheated on me twice, (blaming me for "not being there for him") and was doing cocaine, and other drugs behind my back, not to mention drinking HEAVILY and getting violent when drunk. I had enough. If the relationship was going to work, (which by now I should have had a clue but i was so head over heals in love) it sure as HELL wasn't gonna happen living with the drug dealers. So we got our own place. After the move, Danny got a better job working 40 hours a week, and he had stopped the drugs and heavy drinking. Things WERE getting better but we still fought a lot. I had a very hard time learning to trust him again, well there are other reasons involved, including lies he told at the very beginning of our relationship for this as well tho. Basically if we had dated normally it would have been a very short romance, because things would have come clean before we got too serious. but that didnt happen. Anyway, the relationship started getting more and more volatile. I had become a crybaby shell of the strong independant person I use to be. He was getting more and more physically and verbally and mentally abusive/controlling. On Dec. 11, he came home drunk and went psycho on me, attacking me hitting me with a bottle, bloodied my nose blacked my eye etc. the downstairs neighbors heard and called the cops. they took him in for 24 hours for family violence charges. I got my shit together and moved out with the help of serveral friends.

grrr phone call again. finish in a bit.
2/17/2003 11:00:45 PM

 
Oh wow, so okay I am bored. So let me talk a little about my current life/recent past. I'll start first part of last June (2002). It was June 7, 2002 the eve before my 24th birthday. My friend Chey and I both happened to have the same b-day and she had come into a nice handful of cash, so she reserved a bar for the night on Northgate, which is a big strip of bars here in town (college town... lots of bars). The place wasn't JUST for her, but it gave her lots of options like people who could drink free, decorations, table reservations etc. It was a lot of fun!! Well that night this stranger she happened to invite while drunk the night before (laura) showed up with her gay friend Danny. Well I thought Danny was cute, and had been eyeing him all night but wasn't quite sure whether or not he was gay. laura told danny that I was NOT gay so he didnt approach me right away. I didnt know all of this til later. So we all get drunk off our asses... me and a couple of friends went over to a neighboring bar for a bit, then we all got together and walked over to a mutual friend's apartment. Laura and Danny were still with us, because the friend who's apt. we were going to was friend's with laura. Me and Danny start talking and realize we are both gay, and both interested. He asks if I would like to go back to his place for the night, so I say sure.

crap gotta make a phone call. finish this in a bit.
2/17/2003 10:38:17 PM

 

2/17/2003 10:30:25 PM

 
oh okay so anyway, a little about me. I am 24 years old, I live in College Station, Texas (a former and sometimes current Aggie) and have a full time job in retail sales at the mall. a picture of me can be found here, at my Yahoo! profile.
2/17/2003 10:28:50 PM

 
Welll.. okay then! Looks like I may have this thing figured out now. I hope. This is pretty interesting, this blog thing... I started my first homepage in August of 1997 and I had a journal on it. It was very popular!! People said, "oh what a nice idea!" But after several months it became such work keeping entries seperated into meaningful and navigational formats. This blog thing that has taken the web by storm the past couple of years seems to fix all of that. I had another blog somewhere on the web, but i cant remember where. It had nifty little sotware you clicked and edited then published. On well this isnt that difficult either tho. Will see if i keep up with this one haha.
2/17/2003 10:24:40 PM

 
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2/17/2003 09:57:39 PM

 
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2/17/2003 09:54:40 PM

 
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