Who is Jodi?

If you are ever in north Kent, be sure to wear protective armour. Also be warned - she swings the axe from left to right, several unfortunate people have been caught off-guard in this way.

Eynsford

In Summer 1998, Jodi will be holding an end-of-college festival called the Eynsfest. In her own words, here is how she describes Eynsford:

So, you've finally decided to come to the Eynsfest. How do you know that you've got the right Eynsford, and not a completely different one? (i think someone once told me that there was another Eynsford somewhere in the UK, or you might mistakenly end up at a house in the Greatstone/New Romney area, which is aptly named 'Eynsford', where a woman who used to live in my village of Eynsford lives or whatever. Or you might end up standing on one of those metal drain cover things, in somewhere like Orpington, that say 'Eynsford' on them, even though they're not in Eynsford.) Watch out for these inconsistencies. And please all pronounce it correctly- it's said 'Ainsford' not 'Einsford', although you may call it 'Einsfart' if you so prefer.

'Eerie Eynsford is the centre of weirdness for the entire planet..' (or is it?)

And now, a few facts from Jodi about Eynsford:

• People cut the grass with scissors that they also cut their nails with..
• It's 20 miles from Picadilly Circus, which was the name of the TV programme also..
• There's a distinct lack of graffiti and litter.. (apart from the spooky 1960s grafitti on a few of the trees)
• The man who invented Belisha Beacons lived here, and thus his soul is embedded in the orange flashy things in Eynsford..
• The Scout fete is the highlight of everyone's year, but the greasy pole has gone..
• There are edible cannibalistic snails..
• A camel was once photographed in the ford..
• Ghosts wearing tunics and medieval type clothing have been seen walking around the village..
• My primary school teacher always claimed one of the golf balls on the moon was put there by him, thus concluding he is an alien..
• Eynsford's millenium project is to build a wood..
• The Eynsford programme showed episodes on features such as the Eynsford Cows, the Best kept village competition, a man playing a didgerydoo, a man with a metal plate in his head, and the Scout fete fights. Not to mention my dad in the pub..
• Eynsford's most notorious suicide corner has had at least 4 suicides..
• Eynsford no longer has stocks..
• The local parish magazine is called the Trident..
• Your toenails might turn yellow if you stand in the river..
• According to Andy, there are pervert miniature gnomes or something who hang out in the woods..
• I have only one friend in the village.. she wants to be a flower fairy..
• My mum is barred from one of the pubs for rolling pickled onions across the floor..
• Oh, it's kinda boring really.. and not much to do at all.. [sigh].

Oh, umm.. if anyone else who has visited here wants to write something about it, feel free.

If, after reading this, you still want to visit Eynsford, contact the Eynsford Tourist Board at:

The Chief Pervy Gnome
The Woods
Axe-ville
Eynsford
Kent

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