I knew it. Even though I drove all the way out here to put up the vitally
important RAW results, several of y'all felt the need to "scoop" me. Shame
on you. Shame shame shame shame shame for the waste of bandwidth. Shame
for the complete lack of STAHL. Bleah.
WWF Monday Night Raw, shown "live" 17.5.93 from the Manhattan Centre, and
broadcast on the USA Network.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, the Macho Man Randy Savage, and Bobby the
Brain Heenan, who provide all commentary. Courtesy WABC, we see Savage and
the Smoking Scotsmen standing in awe as a Special Olympian weightlifter does
Standing by is Lord Alfred Hayes, in his usual spot. We recap last week's
Michaels/Perfect/car brawl, and Hayes tells us that he saw someone in
disguise before the show, and boy, what a surprise it's going to be! Hype
hype hype...I guess we'll find out later in the show.
The Smoking Scotsmen v. Glenn Ruth and Tony Vadja - Hmmm, the Gunns hail
"from the great state of Texas!" Ring any bells with y'all? What
continuity! Hayes' "surprise" is hyped some more by the commentators. If
you saw the Gunns' "Mania" match, then this one is quite a letdown, although
seeing Ruth scream in pain is rather humorous. This week's finisher is a
good ol' fashioned piledriver. Poor Tim Harris impersonations by Bart and
Billy, who may not have last names after all...
WWF Mania ad. This Saturday, Tatanka vs. Terrific Terry Taylor.
Vince McMahon interviews Shawn Michaels, the intercontinental champion. The
"Shawn is gay" chant is here to stay. Michaels makes his case as champion,
and calls himself "the man." Shawn tells everyone he'll defend the belt
"any time, anywhere, against any body (Hogan?) Some guy from the crowd
approaches the ring, wearing a hood, sunglasses, and a baseball cap. Just
when you're sure his last name is Hennig...
Shawn: "Look at this, some guy in the crowd wants to take me up on my offer.
Look, pal, you paid your money, go back to your seat..."
The man takes off his hood and cap, and sunglasses. It is Martyr Jannetty.
"Are you a man of your word? Will you defend the belt against me, tonight?"
Vince goads and Marty goads, and Shawn throws a right temper tantrum, but
the match is on for later in the show. Some security guards, that's the
second time they've let Jannetty get by.
Savage has chills, and I must admit, I do too...I knew NOTHING about
Jannetty's third chance, and I think that made it so much better...I guess
I'm used to r.s.p-w taking that away from me, not that I'm complaining, but
anyway...back to the report.
rRazor rRamon v. "The Kid" - Savage: "What's the Kid's name this week?"
Lockup, Kid powered away. Lockup, Ramon with slaps, chops, tosses. The Kid
still has the lightning bolts and the L. KID. Grapevine, boot to the face,
German (?) suplex. The Kid is getting slapped around. Vince: "Ramon is
just enjoying himself now." The Kid is whipped into the corner, and in the
first offensive move he has made in his career, he runs out of the corner at
the last minute. Ramon is stunned. The Kid quickly climbs the ropes and
dives. He lands into a bridge. 1, 2, 3. The crowd goes nuts. The Kid
makes a "Yes!" celebratory signal and then runs out before Ramon figures out
what just happened. Fink: "The winner of this bout...THE KIIIIIIIIID!!"
Ramon does a tantrum of his own, and Heenan can't believe how low the
officiating in the WWF has sunk.
The commentators are giving us the impression that Ramon had never been
pinned...hmmm.. caught in the Sharpshooter at the Rumble...pinned
Backlund... wasn't he in the Perfectplex at the Survivor Series? OK, enough
quibbling, it is a big win. Good for him.
Tatanka v. Scott Taylor - Thank God for Bobby Heenan, who fills up this
drudgery with lots of idle chatter about toilet paper. Already the Kid's
win is being exaggerated by the commentators ("He did thirteen somersaults
in the air"), and Vince suggests calling him the "1-2-3 Kid." Heenan says
that not only would that drive Ramon over the edge, but the fans may get
behind the Kid. Harbinger of things to come...
Mean Gene Okerlund with YOUR KotRR. From the heart of America (yes,
Dayton), the main event is You Know Who vs. Yokozima. The tourney is as
follows (so far):
1. Bret Hart vs. Razor Ramon
3. Hacksaw Duggan vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
4. Lex Luger vs. Tatanka
This week's matches are (Superstars) Michaels vs. Crush, (Challenge)
Kamala v. Ad Break
Promos: ICOPRO (Tatanka), Slim Jim (Savage), GI Joe
Kamala v. Yokozima - Lots of Hitman commentary while 'Zima gets ready. They
run into each other, and it's 'Zima who is ztaggered. They try it again and
this time 'Zima does that lean on his back foot. Kamala with chops unti
'Zima finally recovers and levels Kamala. Slick is not present, Fuji is.
Zlaps, and Kamala goes down. 'Zima with the leg drop. While 'Zima is
bulking up for his title match, Hogan is "leaning down" (insert funny
translation here). Kamala has a brief resurgence until Fuji grabs him.
'Zima gets Kamala into the corner and banzais away. No matter how much
Vince wants Kamala to win ("He's only playing possum! Get out of the way,
Kamala!" Heenan: "He's not that smart, McMahon."), he's not moving. 1, 2,
All-American Wrestling ad. This week's special guest: Sensational Sherri.
Shawn Michaels v. Ad Break - Geez, that's annoying.
Shawn Michaels v. Martyr Jannetty for the intercontinental championship -
You've got to hand it to Michaels, he's the only guy to put up a belt during
sweeps month. Hell, he did it three times! You think Hogan would? RIGHT.
Hell, he wouldn't even do it *once*! Anyway, I think Shawn has re-tooled
the belt yet again. Michaels takes Jannetty post to post, Jannetty reverse
and slams Michaels into the post. Ah hell, this match is too damn fast for
me to transcribe it. Neither man lets up, in a typical IC match (typical
for the past year, say) not featuring anyone named Duggan. Jannetty has
some great moves, and Michaels does some great selling. The crowd gets
behind Marty, and he acknowledges it. Michaels does his now almost infamous
"into-the-corner-and-flip-and-fall-onto-the-floor" (tm), and decides that
this is getting too hot for him too handle. He walks up to Fink, swipes the
belt and makes for the exit (sound familiar?) Unfortunately for him,
standing in the way is...yup. Mr. Perfect. We take an ad break, and
there's ten minutes left in the show. When we come back, we are told that
it has been all Jannetty. Michaels finally manages to drop Jannetty's neck
on the rope. Choke after choke (for some reason, Michaels doesn't want to
be disqualified), punches, more choking with the boot. After a lot of
Michaels offense, Jannetty manages to slingshot Michaels into the post, and
they're both down. As Perfect stands vigil outside the ring, Jannetty
manages to get up and cover Michaels. 2. More Jannetty and another 2.
Jannetty climbs the rope and double-fakes the dive and then dives when
Michael thinks he's outsmarted him. 2. Michaels rolls it over and grabs
the tights (Heenan: "Well, it's almost 10, time for the moon anyhow!")
Amazingly, only 2. Jannetty runs into the reverse crescent kick and
Jannetty is out. Michaels turns around and talks trash to Perfect. Wrong
move, because Jannetty comes to and with a little help from Perfect, pins
Michaels with a package. I DON'T BELIEVE IT. Marty Jannetty is the new
intercontinental champion, and even *you* didn't see it coming.
Promos: WWF Figures, GI Joe (again), "Super High Impact Football" Nintendo
They fade out on the commentators, I guess they went over. Those of you
with the live feed can tell me if they said anything important. I did
manage to hear Savage say "ride the edge of a lightning bolt" before they
Next week: Mr. Perfect vs. Doink (the Clown) Part 3, this series just gets
better and better. This *is* still a King of the Ring qualifier, somebody tell
Herb for me. Since there are two spots left and three matches next week,
and since Shawn probably would have had the belt with him in his match with
Crush...? Or maybe now, since the title wasn't on the line (a big deal was
made about this...) Time will tell what's up with Michaels/Jannetty/
Crush/the title, and the like. I can't wait, because the WWF is the BEST
Federation on EARTH.
And if you don't agree with me, then you're not getting RAW.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman, the keeper of the RAW Report