-- "revolutionary force" animation --

And we open this week's show with Goldust in narration. It seems Goldie
offered one Ahmed Johnson a primo role in a romantic thriller being
produced by the Red Cross. Ahmed was less than thrilled by the screen
test, though, even though he worked his end of the scene (that of the
"Unconcious Man") perfectly. So, naturally, Ahmed wants revenge, and
unlike Razor Ramon, Ahmed would much prefer Goldie's belt to his gluteus
maixmus.

-- titles --

And so it is, and with both Ahmed and Goldie conveniently out of the
King of the Ring tournament, and Gorilla Monsoon displaying a
willingness to play matchmaker, the Intercontinental belt will get
defended as one of the entre-acts of the tournament.

And speaking of the tournament...

Bob "Spark(y) Plugg" Holly vs. G. Gordon Austin (KotR 1st round)

And yes, that is Austin without "Millionaire" Ted DiBiase, who went off
and made one too many stupid decisions, betting his career on a match
identical to one Austin had lost two nights earlier. Identical in more
ways than one, as it turned out, as Austin lost it the exact same way,
and DiBiase thus left the arena, and the WWF, on a most discordant note
indeed. Just remember, though, that if it hadn't been for the storm in
South Carolina, this would never have happened. Think about it.

At any rate, this new-found independence does not seem to have had any
effect on Austin's mood. Then again, neither has anything else.

Joining the match just underway, the initial lockup goes back and forth,
until Holly gets squeezed into the corner. While Holly and Austin
attempt to negotiate a clean break, Vince McMahon writes some
revisionist history. Following his logic: Goldust leaves the ring and
heads back to the dressing room. The Warrior pursues at a rate that
would bore the Undertaker. During this "chase", the fifteen-minute mark
passes unnoticed. Goldust disappears backstage. As the Warrior gives
Goldie and Marlena a final glance to make sure they are gone, the bell
rings. Warrior now turns around to find Jerry Lawler advancing upon him
with a broken director's chair in hand. Warrior, distrustful of
Lawler's motives, begins chasing him around as the result of the match,
double countout, is announced. THEREFORE, Warrior's elimination from the
tournament was all Lawler's fault.

Follow that? I sure hope not. At any rate, Lawler's ego is enough to
get him to buy into it (maybe), and Monsoon, desperate for an excuse to
get Warrior on the card in some fashion, also signs on, and thus we have
the bad-joke matchup of the KotR card, Warrior vs. Lawler.

Fortunately, I've had the pause button down through all of that, so we
can pick up the match where we left off. Lockup #2, and Austin secures
a headlock. More time for banter, but it's just the promise to get
further into the tender moment Goldie and Ahmed shared on last week's
show. Holly battles his way out of the headlock, so Austin zips around
and puts a hammerlock on instead. After some maneuvering, Holly gets a
tentative reversal of this. McMahon once again upstages the match by
promising that history will be made on Raw tonight, though whether it's
the Roberts/Helmsley match, the Godwinn match with Sunny
Gunn-Bodydonna-Godwinn commentating, the Mankind squash, or the fact
that the WWF will cheese off those who paid for the PPV by showing the
endings of the matches on tonight's show, is not clear.

Well, frankly, folks, this match just doesn't get interesting until the
third lockup attempt, when Austin goes for the left leg of Holly and
stays with it, pulling him down by it and dropping elbows on the left
knee, to an unusually loud chorus of boos. Planting a grapevine on this
leg, Austin lets the match return to its earlier pace, as Lawler
mentions that Clarence Mason, everyone's favorite WWF attorney, will
also show up to writ a wrong, or file a jockey short, or something like
that.

While Austin concentrated on the one leg, and we concentrated on the
fascinating non-commentary above, Bob Holly used his free leg to beat
the heck out of Austin until he finally had to release the hold and
regroup. Austin asks for the test of strength, and Holly falls hook,
line and sinker for it. Not that Holly would have stood a chance
anyway, but Austin takes the more direct route with a boot to the
abdomen and some forearms to the back. Austin takes Holly over to the
turnbuckle, but Holly says, "no I insist, it's my treat." As McMahon
notes, this wouldn't be the first upset Holly would have pulled off,
since that would be... er... hmmm. Well, whatever, Holly goes on to
serve up seconds at another corner, but Austin rights himself and
regains that all-important composure of his. Austin with a couple of
chops. Holly spins around and returns the favor, then flips him out of
the corner into the middle of the ring, in order to put on... the
reverse chinlock. Austin is soon enough out, without resorting to body
blows, either. Instead, he yanks his head in one direction and manages
to put enough force on it that Holly's entire body follows that way.
This also makes it easier for Austin to follow up his escape, as he does
so with an elbow shot to leave Holly crumpled on the mat. A little
later on, Austin hoists Holly over his head for a nice high drop onto
Austin's knee. Shortly thereafter, it's up to the second rope for an
elbow drop. This is successful, but the ensuing cover is so grotesque
it is doomed from the start. Holly gets to his feet, but Austin
preoccupied with something or other, remains on the mat. As Holly
closes in to mount some sort of attack, Austin grabs him and tosses him
between the ropes. Presently Austin finishes whatever he was doing and
goes to the outside to drop a double axehandle from the apron on top of
the hapless Holly. Austin happily rolls in, sees Holly struggling to do
likewise, and helps him in via the hair. Well, almost, but as happens
so often, Holly's neck gets caught just as it is passing over the top
rope. You gotta hate it when that happens. Austin picks up Holly
briefly to snap him over and try to sneak in... Steve, is that a
chinlock I see you trying to sneak in there? Soon enough, Holly stands
up, punches his way out, and decides to just keep on punching and see
what happens. Austin backs into the ropes, so Holly pulls him out with a
whip. Holly puts the head down... and Austin punts it out of the back
of the end zone. Austin finds a few new ways to inflict punishment,
whose effect is only lessened by the rotten camera angle. Cover and a
two-count.

Cut to Goldust, lying around like a rag doll, living in a movie. Oops,
hit the wrong button.

-- ad break --

And gee, who'd have guessed, Austin is still in control as we return.
Austin may be heartless, though he clearly does possess sweat glands.
Insert Kathie Lee reference here. Holly elbows out, but Austin responds
with a knee lift. Over to the turnbuckle, and once again Holly begs
out, just not hungry, and serves the turnbuckle to Austin instead. Over
to another corner, where perhaps Holly might have thought the
turnbuckles tasted better. Let's see, that means one more corner, and
Austin will win the first-ever Indianapolis Strapless Strap Match. For
some reason Austin decides this would be a good time to try climbing the
ropes. A quick punch from Holly, knocking Austin off his balance and
onto his gonads, cures that illusion quickly. Austin falls off limply,
and Holly, asserting command, send Austin for a ride and a properly
executed back body drop. Another ride, this time squarely into an elbow
Austin goes. And down for the cover, 1, 2, no. Austin backs into a
corner to regain his bearings, and Holly hops on top for the Infuriating
Enemy Pummel. He gets about eight shots in before Austin shoves him
off. At this point Austin very deliberately raises his arms. This
means either a) touchdown, b) Austin is Sure, or c) Austin has just
remebered he knows the most powerful sleeper hold in wrestling, and with
DiBiase out of the way, now holds exclusive rights to it. So why not
use it now? Holly can think of a reason or two, but as with Ahmed last
week, Holly just can't find a way to make his opinions known. Say
goodnight, Holly, and say hello to round two, Mr. Austin.

Time to review the KotR brackets. Vader, as we know, is in the semis,
to face either Justin "Terry" Bradshaw, or the winner of tonight's
second KotR match between Jake Roberts and Hunter Hearst Herbert Hoover
Heaver Helmsley. In the other half of the bracket, Austin will face
either Marty Jeanetty or Savio Vega (any guesses as to which one? Hmm?)
while the final quarter of the bracket sees Owen Hart vs. Yokozuna and
Skip Bodydonna vs. Marc Mero.

Video of the Warrior/Goldie match, where McMahon attempts to make his
case that Warrior's countout was all Lawler's fault. Conveniently cut
from the footage is the moment where the bell actually rang, and instead
we hear a "live" bell as Warrior tosses the abandoned chair wreckage out
of the way back to the ring. Lawler is quite disinterested in the whole
affair, even if it means a beating at the Warrior's hands. Instead, he
prefers to take on the Warrior on another front, putting out his own
comic book to compete with the Warrior's. Pretty good artwork, mind
you, if more than a little self-serving.

Barry Horowitz vs. Mankind

And I see that in exchange for a nice woodwind version of a polka song
as entrance music, Horowitz has agreed to give up on any thoughts of a
further push. At any rate, this match isn't about him anyway, it's
about Mankind, whose imminent match with the Undertaker figures, in Jim
Ross's opinion to be one of the Undertaker's most intense (read:
slowest-paced) ever. Next is footage of the Goldust-Undertaker match
from IYH, wherein Mankind makes an inconvenient appearance inside the
casket after several previous openings of the casket to demonstrate
beyond a doubt that the casket was empty. The Undertaker, determined to
show that Mankind isn't the only amateur magician around, subsequently
vanishes from within the coffin after the match, but, unlike his
ill-fated evil twin, the Undertaker would turn up the next day, though
details of where, with whom, and wearing what were carefully not
mentioned.

At any rate, the squash is proceeding quite nicely, when suddenly
everything goes dark and...

-- WWF tour promo --

-- ad break --

After some nebulous words from Lawler designed to totally cloud the
issue as to whether or not the Undertaker had anything to do with
anything that just happened, if anything happened, Mankind decides to
cut to the chase and score up the win with the (snicker) nerve hold
submission.

As the closing music comes up, here comes the ever intrepid Jim Ross
once again. You'd think Mankind would get tired of being interviewed
over and over by this guy and insert something to close that mouth of
his (a couple of fingers come to mind). Ross is therefore quite terse
asking for comments and letting Mankind go. Mankind's rants seem to be
going nowhere, until he hits on a classic line: "Of all the things I've
lost in life, I think I miss my mind the most." But again Mankind goes
incoherent, and eventually Ross gives up and walks away.

Clips from the main event of IYH, Michaels/Bulldog. The ref bump. The
replacement. The double pin. The double ref. The single president.
And... the draw. Rematch to come at, well, hey, how does King of the
Ring sound? Everyone free for that? Good.

Slam of the week: The Pedigree gets just that much nastier as the
jobber's head goes down first and turns it into a half-piledriver, thus
saving the face at a bit of a price to the neck. Ouch.

-- ad break --

And now it's time to visit Goldust, at his letterbox estate. Cut to the
ending of last week's Raw, with Owen Hart casting Ahmed into the role of
loser to Vader, and the subsequent stretcher ride into ignomy.

Goldust's explanation was that he was only doing what came naturally,
and we can hardly argue with that. Meanwhile, McMahon, who hasn't shown
much care for detail so far tnoight, now suddenly launches into an
in-depth explanation of why Goldust's claim to have saved Ahmed
Johnson's life simply doesn't stand up. Goldust ignores it, and
demonstrates his new-found passion by holding up a Hershey bar. Hey,
you've got your gold makeup in my chocolate! No, You've got your
chocolate in my gold makeup! As for a prediction as to the upcoming
match at KotR, Goldust believes that Ahmed will "melt in my hands, not
in my mouth."

Techno Team Two Thousand vs. the Godwinns (w/Hillbilly Jim)

But more importantly, we are joined by Sunny Gunn-Bodydonna-Godwinn.
(Note: in the event the New Rockers win the tag straps and Sunny turns
up with them, she will become Sunny Jeannetty-Bodydonna-Godwinn-Gunn, in
order to keep the doubled 'n' theme going.) McMahon wants to know why
she's here. He would feel the need to ask. Sunny comes up with the
perfectly reasonable explanation that she's scouting the competition for
the upcoming Gunn-Godwinn rematch, but McMahon says no, she's actually
there to torment Phineas some more. Ah, but business before pleasure,
so the scouting comes first. Ah, but since the pre-match rituals are
taking their usual eternity, Sunny sees little harm in yanking that
chain around Phineas's neck a bit.

Back in the locker room, meanwhile, two highly disenchanted Bodydonnas
have come to the conclusion that Sunny is very much a part of their
past, and have sent out the call to get themselves a new manager. The
qualifications for the job aren't well specified, but since they seem to
be willing to take on man, woman, child, or household pet, it looks like
the competition could get ugly. Still, if anyone out there wants to get
in on the act, it's Manager Search, P.O. Box 3857, Stamford, CT 06905.

Space and time restrictions preclude a full accounting of this match,
but more importantly, it's a squash and I just could care. By far the
most interesting struggle is Phineas's efforts to keep his suspenders
buckled, an effort which proves to be in vain. Jerry Lawler enjoys
himself, as he finally has someone around who will laugh at his jokes.
As things drag on, McMahon starts shouting that Hillbilly Jim is
approaching slop bucket in hand. Sunny has no time to ask him what he
is talking about before the

-- ad break --

And the story is, the referee intervened on Sunny's behalf to avoid the
imminent slopping, and McMahon and Lawler are sticking to that story. An
attempted double-team splash of Henry goes awry, and soon thereafter,
H.O.G. hits the Slop Drop for the win. It was hard to tell whether it
was Travis or Trevor who got pinned, and frankly, it's even harder to
care. For an encore, Henry decides to take his aggressions out on Sunny,
but McMahon, in an unexpected gesture, stands up to halt the elder
Godwinn in his tracks. Shortly thereafter, HBJ shows up to pull Henry
away from the scene. Potential unpleasantness averted, Sunny has to
sneak out as the protracted post-match celebration of the Godwinns goes
on.

In fact, while the Godwinns continue to make idiots out of themselves,
we have time to take a call, let's see who's on the line, well what do
you know, it's Clarence "neck brace" Mason! He's under heavy sedation,
so as to allow for deniability of what he's going to say next. McMahon
starts by noting that the "Attempted Alienation of Affection" suit
against Shawn Michaels was thrown out, when Mason was unable to
satisfactorily explain what AAoA was supposed to be. Mason was not
cited for contempt of court, however, because the presiding judge had
not enjoyed such a good chuckle since "Night Court" went off the air.

But Mason, not content to sit idle with 250 million other people out
there to sue, sets his sights on Gorilla Monsoon. Not for the many
inane decisions he has made, mind you, but...

The scene: Raw, two weeks ago. Diana Smith is being escorted out by
Gorilla Monsoon, with Clarence Mason in tow. Meanwhile, Shawn Michaels,
who has a restraining order on his sorry hide, is passing in the other
direction. Gorilla, detecting an imminent collision, shuffles Mason out
of the way of Michaels, and nothing further appears to occur. Exhibit
A. A shot of the scene as described above. Exhibit B. The same scene,
from a different camera angle. Exhibit C. Still the same scene, from
yet another camera angle. Exhibit D. The same as Exhibit A, only run
backwards and forwards a few times to fill up time. Word has it the
same judge who threw out the Affection suit has requested to hear this
new lawsuit of Mason's, which at least has the merit of being a real
charge, aggravated assault and battery.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley (w/femme du jour) vs. the U. S. Army (w/milk)

And at the rate their budget is getting cut, this could be a close
match. But now...

Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Jake the Snake (w/bag) (KotR 1st round)

With relatively little fanfare, the match begins. Lockup, and Helmsley
gets a headlock on Roberts. Jake flings him off, only to get knocked
down in the ensuing battle of shoulderblocks. Helmsley celebrates his
first successful move with the exaggerated bow, and Roberts for some
reasons gets a real good laugh out of it. Or is that just a knowing
grin? Second lockup, second headlock, only difference is, Roberts sends
Helmsley the long way across the ring, in order to give himself time to
set up a hip toss instead of a doomed shoulderblock. Next comes a knee
lift, and Jake signals for the DDT! Helmsley is put into position, but
manages to squirm out at the last instant. Backing up, he nearly steps
on the bag. Not wanting hurt the innocent ophidian spectator presumably
within, Helmsley backs off of it, and right back into the DDT again.
Again Hunter just barely finds means of escape in time, and this time
decides to exit the ring before anything else can go wrong. At this
point, we have time for a quick interview with Helmsley's current woman,
Jennie Lee. McMahon attempts to play up her presumed lack of
intelligence, but Lawler comes to her aid. Helmsley, meanwhile, is back
in the ring, and after considerable hesitations on everyone's part, they
lock up and Roberts emerges with a wrist lock on Helmsley, which he
proceeds to exploit exceedingly well. Twist and turn, lift and drop.
Roberts, with a foot nicely in position, looks for something kickable on
the floor-bound form of Helmsley, but with the referee's constant
interference, the search proves in vain. Helmsley stands up, and
Roberts does the lift and drop thing again, still grasping the wrist.
Finally, for variety, he switches to the armbar. This eventually turns
into a hammerlock.

Meanwhile, an interesting sequence of discussion is going on at the
announcers desk. First, Jake is applauded for his successful (as far as
success goes) return to the WWF at age 43. This gets Lawler to talking
about "last hurrahs". Which leads McMahon to mention, probably for the
last time, Ted DiBiase, who has had his last hurrah with the WWF. Which
leads us to the matter of others who are officially no longer associated
with the WWF, specifically one Scott "Razor Ramon" Hall, and one Kevin
"Diesel" Nash. Which leads us finally to the point of this chain of
discussion (and yes, there is one), which is to get out the disclaimer
that despite any appearances one might derive from watch the wrestling
show of an unnamed rival wrestling organization, these two are no longer
of the WWF payroll and are not to be assumed to represent the WWF in any
manner whatsoever. I don't know, Vince, maybe if you said it while
wearing a neck brace...

While this is going on, Hunter elbows out of the hold, gives Jake a
turnbuckle shot, and puts the hammerlock on Roberts to see how he likes
it. Roberts likes it very much, as he is equally able to elbow out of
it, and grabs Helmsley's head for another shot at the DDT! Again Hunter
slips out of it and out of the ring altogether. While waiting for his
opponent to re-enter, Roberts gives his bag a little tweak, which
presumably, whatever is in that bag likes. Helmsley demands the bag be
removed, but gets nowhere with the ref on that score.

Time for another lockup, Helmsley gets behind Jake, waistlock? No,
somehow Roberts gets another wristlock out of it. This match is
becoming seriously annoying to Hunter. Roberts, meanwhile, grows
concerned that Helmsley is badly misunderstanding that bag of his, and
decides to get them closer together in order for them to get to know
each other. Oddly, Hunter balks at this, to the extent that he breaks
out of the wristlock in a big hurry and is quickly back on the outside
of the ring again. Again the request is made for the bag to be removed,
and this time the claim is backed up by some obvious movement inside the
bag...

-- ad break --

Helmsley has finally asserted some control in the match, with Roberts
stuck in the corner, taking whatever punches and kicks Hunter wants to
deal out. Roberts slumps over to be foot-choked. Lawler, meanwhile, is
having trouble picturing a snake wearing a crown, and this surprises me
since I'd have bet he'd heard of a King Cobra before. Hunter snaps
Roberts over, and casually lands a knee on Jake's head as McMahon brings
up the Warrior/Lawler confrontation one more time. As Hunter covers for
a two-count, Lawler decides to have a run at making jokes about the
Warrior being in a comic book. Roberts, after what seems like a full
minute's effort to get to his feet, goes right back down again after a
single blow from Hunter. Hunter with the elbow drop and a cover, but
only two. Psst, Hunter, try the Pedigree! Hunter goes to set up
something or other, whatever it was, we'll never know, as Roberts gets
his second wind and starts trading blows with Hunter, then adding a few
more as a bonus. Roberts goes for the short-arm clothesline, but
misses. He turns around, and runs his chin squarely into Helmsley's
fist. Down Jake goes again, but Hunter, completely off his game, shows
no clue how to continue, pressing on with some stomps, a choke, and,
worst of all, a reverse chinlock. Lawler meanwhile promises that he has
something to show the Warrior on next week's show. Better get a quick
look at it, because I think it will get destroyed pretty quickly.
Roberts, meanwhile, breaks out the chinlock the currently fashionable
way, making Helmsley's chin impact upon the top of Roberts' head.
Helmsley staggers off to see if Isaac Yankem is still in the WWF. Here
comes yet another resurgence for the Snake, as he lands blow after
uncontested blow before knocking Hunter down. Roberts with the
wristlock, short-arm clothesline, and this time he hits it. And once
again, Roberts signals the DDT. The pull-up, the set-up... and this
time Hunter breaks it up by charging into Roberts, pinning him in the
corner and breaking the momentum. Now Hunter with a cross-corner whip,
Roberts bounces out, and right into a Helmsley elbow. Cover, 1, 2, and
still no. So let's try a...

-- 900 line plug --

-- ad break --

And here we are again, with Roberts stuck in the corner, and Helmsley
landing blows at will. Pedigree, Hunter! Think about it! Cross-corner
whip, Hunter tries to toss Roberts on the bounce-out, Roberts slips
behind him, Hunter turns... and hey, the fifth time's the charm, as
Roberts finally gets that DDT he was looking for. And thus a thoroughly
disgusting match for Hunter Hearst Helmsley ends in a totally abhorrent
way, with Roberts rolling over for the cover and the easy pinfall.

And if that weren't enough, the bag decides it want to get a piece of
the action, too. With the DQ no longer a concern, Roberts opens the
bag, and sure enough, there was a snake in there all along. Roberts
tries the effect of waving the snake in Hunter's face to gauge his
reaction, but gets only one of comatoseness. Call for Dr. Goldust,
quick! And while we're waiting, time for some fun. A little song, a
little dance, a little python down the pants? Or is Hunter just happy
to see him? Finally the referee intervenes on behalf of good taste, and
Roberts raises the snake over his head in victory. I just hope he
doesn't try wrapping it around his waist...

-- Kevin Podsiadlik