Lord Alfred Hayes interviews Shawn Michaels as he enters the Centre a couple
hours before the show. His shirt is very interesting, bearing likenesses of
Jake Roberts, the Rockers (!), Mr. Perfect (!), the Legion of Doom, and
someone else who presumably has been fired, too. Anyway, Mr. Perfect shows
up and brawls with Michaels and some guys car. Michaels must have something
in his boot heel, 'cause it makes a lovely mark on the windshield. The
crowd surrounding the combatants seems amused.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, the Macho Man Randy Savage, and Bobby the
Brain Heenan, who provide all commentary. We see another shot of the car in
the aftermath, in case we missed the broken windshield.
Bam Bam Bigelow v. Typhoon in a King of the Ring Qualifier - After a couple
lockups, followed by nothing (well, ok, the behemoths running into each
other and no one moves), Typhoon executes a body slam and an arm wringer (or
as Vince calls it, a "restlock"). A somewhat bodyslam by Bigelow, and a
missed dropped elbow. Slight "Here we go Bam Bam, here we go..." chant by
the crowd. Typhoon with the arm wringer again. Bigelow with back suplex,
from which Typhoon gets up almost instantly. Since Bigelow's back is
turned, Typhoon pounds him all the way out of the ring. Typhoon exits,
Bigelow goes back in and lies in wait. This works, as Typhoon gets pounded
and fails to enter the ring. For good measure Bigelow walks 'phoon over to
the STEEL cornerpost. Repeat this twice. Somewhere along the line, Bigelow
cuts his head open, but since it isn't part of the plot, it is quickly
noticed and dismissed by the announcers (and if not for Heenan, not noticed
at all). Dueling "Bam Bam" and "sucks" chants by the crowd. Boring face
lock and 'phoon gets out. Bigelow with kick and resume facelock. Ad break.
This is a King of the Ring qualifier, you know (like we'd forget during the
break). When we come back, Typhoon is roaring back, but Bigelow jumps out
of the corner. Bigelow with papoose to go (!), headbutt of the top rope,
and pin. Geez, how many heels are they gonna let in?
Smoking Gunns preview piece. Y'know, when they were first announced, I said
they'd probably spell it Gunn because it was STUPID. Someone wrote me back
and said I shouldn't call it stupid, because Gunn is a very proper and fine
Scottish name. I wrote him back: "Then it *is* stupid. Who ever heard of
Scottish cowboys?" Once again the WWF has come through for me, and as a
reward I hereby dub this new tag team the Smoking Scotsmen.
By the way, the Smoking Scotsmen make their *debut* on WWF Mania this
Saturday. I'll try to get up early for it and give you their finishing
Yokozima v. Jay Walker - If you believe the commentators, 'Zima is bulking
up for his championship match with You Know Who at KotR. The crowd has an
amazing reaction for the butt zquash, getting up simultaneously and going
"aahhhhh!!!!!" I love this crowd.
Mean Gene Okerlund throws the KotRReport atcha, sponsored by ICOPRO (Luger -
huh). It's the first KotR ever, y'know. Main event: Zima/Hogan. In the
tourney: Hart, Luger, Ramon, Duggan, Bigelow. Three seeds left, and two
matches this weekend to qualify: Doink/Perfect Part II on Challenge, and
Tatanka/Gonzales (figure this out) on Superstars. Apparently, no RAW match
Heenan, on the fat raw girl: "Is that Nobbs or Sags?"
Iron Mike Sharpe v. Mr. Perfect - Perfect takes out his gum and puts it in
the (fat) raw girl's mouth. I can't believe this crowd like Perfect more
than Iron Mike. Heenan does the channel changing routine, and Mike sells
the perfectplex. Sigh.
Bobby Heenan is chasing the raw girl, hoo hoo...
Promos: ICOPRO (Tatanka), GI Joe, Slim Jim (Savage)
Mr. Hughes v. The Cannonball Kid, who looks suspiciously like the Kamikaze
Kid - Hughes comes out with his manager, (Dr.) Harvey Wippleman. The Kid
looks so much like the Kamikaze Kid that Vince calls him the Kamikaze Kid.
His tights still say L. KID and have lightning bolts on them. Just like
last week, the Kid gets jumped as has no chance for any offense of any kind.
More Nasty Boys jokes. Savage: "Better change your name again, Kid!" I
loved watching this match, because I KNEW it was going to spawn another
hundred bitch-and-whine posts, even though he STILL isn't the Lightning Kid,
New "All-American Wrestling" ad. Gene and Bobby are traveling the country
(or rather, the blue screen has a different scene each week). This Sunday,
Crush v. Blake Beverly (it's exclusive, you know).
The lumberjacks come out: Terrific Terry Taylor, Mr. Hughes, Bob Backlund,
Mr. Perfect, Tatanka, Typhoon, Bam Bam Bigelow, and Yokozuna (who is not
wearing a lumberjack shirt). Apparently, Mr. Fuji is also a lumberjack.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Shawn Michaels in a Lumberjack Match, and for the
Intercontinental Title - Duggan comes out, enters the ring, leaves the ring,
and jumps Zima, who has his back turned and is consulting with Fuji.
Michaels comes out on crutches, and we get a good view of that old WWF
shirt. Perfect spins him around and shows everyone how injured he isn't by
punching him. Heenan: "It's a miracle!" Duggan throws him out to Perfect,
Perfect gets in another shot and throws him back in. Atomic drop, Michaels
is taken post to post. Duggan rips up the shirt (Michaels is in black jeans
and cowboy boots), and punches a lot. Vince: "More action that the Lennox
Lewis fight..." (Remember when Vince and Lennox were friends?) Bodyslam, 2
count. Still no Michaels offense at all. Michaels with pretty good corner
somersault of pain thing (tm), Duggan with more punches, clothesline. Choke
with foot. Out goes Michaels, but back in quickly (it's a lumberjack match,
you know). Duggan with elbow, reverse chinlock. Duggan finally removes
every shred of the shirt and slaps on a bearhug, and when he gets tired of
that, turns it into a bodyslam. 2. Michaels finally wakes up, but only
gets to trade blows. Duggan with headbutt. The "Shawn is gay" chant is
starting up. Only 5 punches in the corner (instead of 10) this week.
Duggan throws Michaels out, and Michaels tries to leave. Backlund and
Perfect bring him back and we take an ad break. When we come back, Duggan
is slamming him *again*, but finally Shawn moves out of the way of a move,
and Duggan's knee meets the canvas. Shawn takes off his boot and clocks
Duggan with it (referee "Blind" Bill Alphonso is behind Duggan and misses
it). Michaels finally puts on some offense, keeping Duggan near Hughes and
Bigelow, but Duggan almost too easily turns the tide, for a moment. As the
commentators play up Duggan's now bad knee, Duggan runs into the boot. 2.
Michaels with chokehold/chinlock but the crowd get Duggan back into it.
Duggan with slams. Duggan does a pretty good Savage limp impersonation.
Crowd is taunting Tatanka with the Atlanta Braves rally war whoop (tm).
Duggan catches Michaels in some sort of aerial manouevre and carries him
around for awhile before slamming him. 2. Duggan with the bull run, but
unfortunately the finisher works too well, and Michaels falls out of the
ring between Taylor and Hughes, who are in no hurry to help out their good
friend, the champ. *Another* ad break, checking watch it's 9.55, it better
end soon. We come back and Michaels has turned it around. Duggan makes him
miss, but Bigelow suddenly climbs up on the apron. Duggan turns around to
Bigelow, Alphonse turns to Bigelow, Michaels gives Duggan a knee to the back
and out goes Duggan to...you guessed it. One "Zomething different" leg drop
and Duggan is flattened. 'Zima places Duggan in the ring, and Michaels puts
a foot on Duggan's prone form. 1, Perfect comes in and wallops Michaels,
inviting an instant DQ win for the champ.
Promos: WWF Figures, GI Joe (again), Alien Cubed Nintendo carts
"The winner of this bout as the result of a disqualification, and still
intercontinental champ..." Michaels rushes Perfect, and a lumberjack battle
royale ensues while Fuji and Yokozuna head out. For some reason, Iron Mike
comes all the way from the locker room to join the fray, but he's too late:
Duggan has come to and is wildly swinging the 2x4 around until the ring is
cleared. Fade out, time is up. Too bad.
Next week: Yokozuna vs. Kamala, and I would assume Backlund, Tatanka,
Taylor? in action since they were around this taping.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman, that RAW guy