KJP'S MEDIUM RARE RAW REPORT #30
Date: 5/15/95 Taping date: 5/15/95 Site: Broome Country Memorial
Arena, Binghamton, NY. Hosts: Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler.
Cold opener: Yet another Citibank ad. Irwin R. Schyster claims he will
confiscate Bam Bam Bigelow's tattoos. How does *that* work? Bigelow
is just happy at the prospect of being able to do legally what people
have wanted to do for centuries: beat up a tax collector. He's on a
mission to beat up the whole Corporation. Why? Because it's there.
-- titles --
And McMahon is totally shocked that Lawler managed to defeat Bret Hart
at In Your House. Never mind that Lawler won in a very similar fashion
just eight weeks ago on Raw. Never mind that... come to think of it,
has Bret Hart ever actually beaten Jerry Lawler officially in their
two-year feud? After Vince lets Lawler finish his story of how the
match actually went, Vince goes on to mention, not for the first time
and not for the last, Bob Backlund's big announcement, teased at us for
a month now and finally happening tonight, we think. Also, since we've
really cut it short time-wise, we have to squeeze in another King of
the Ring qualifier. For the right to face Mabel in the first round,
it's Bob Holly against Mantaur. But first...
Yokozuna and Owen Hart (w/Cornette and Fuji) vs. Nick Barbarry "of
Seville" and Bill "Dream" Weaver
They seem to have settled on Yokozuna's music as the official music for
this team. Mostly because it's what Yoko wanted, I assume. Owen Hart
stops along the way to give his regards to the man who gave his big
brother a mark in the "L" column. After Owen is out of earshot, Lawler
adds that he's the only one that has. Cornette a group from Ann Arbor,
in order to show he's not *all* bad. Lawler has little to do but gloat
about his victory at this point, so the patter gets a bit tedious.
Yokozuna with a choke slam.
On to a succession of stills from the Lawler/Hart match. First shot is
of Lawler and his mom... stepmom, I'll assume, unless there was an
accident with a contraceptive and a time machine. Bret Hart with an
icepack on his perfectly good knee. An upside-down shot of Lawler
piledriving Bret Hart from the ceiling while the entire crowd stands on
its head. The referee in the ropes. Air Hakushi, a picture Lawler has
trouble explaining. Lawler with the pin. Bret Hart, deciding maybe
his knee does hurt a bit after all.
Which leads us to the WWF Hotline. Jim Ross wants to interview with
Bret Hart, but Hart, knowing full well the implications of the Dreaded
Option Six, will have nothing to do with it. So, on Option Six, we
have Bret Hart blowing off Jim Ross. By they by, somewhere along the
way the "99 cents each additional minute" got dropped, in favor of a
flat $1.49 a minute, or $1.99 a minute if you're paying in that cheesy
-- ad break --
Aliens fond of the bouffant hairstyle download a liberal propaganda
film and nearly destroy the Earth for it. Fortunately they also
download a WWF tape and fear for their sanity should they get caught in
the fallout, so they leave us alone.
Man Mountain Rock, in concert. With his back turned to half the
audience. And it pretty much goes on like that. What does this have to
do with Raw? Well, uh...
-- promotional considerations --
Man Mountain Rock vs. Iron Mike Sharpe, the mini-Andre
Hmm, Lawler said nothing about Yokozuna, yet he feels Man Mountain Rock
needs a diet. As for the match, Sharpe's propensity for yelling proves
costly, as the referee takes him as having submitted to an armbar.
Back to last night, and the drawing for the house. Stephanie Wiand
digs out an entry, hands it to Todd, who hands it to the Official
Auditor (not IRS) who glances at it and says, yeah, it looks all right.
And so Todd, fulfilling his sworn duty, dials the number. Fun Fact of
the Day: Mother's Day is the busiest day of the year for the phone
companies? What makes this a Fun Fact is revealed when the winner of
the house proves to be a Mrs.
Your-Call-Could-Not-Be-Completed-As-Dialed. On the second effort, the
circuit frees up and the call goes through. "Is Matt Pompasilli
there?" A loud scream is the response, which I guess must be Nevadan
for "Please hold..."
Matt's favorite wrestler happens to be Shawn Michaels, and since Vince
has no qualms in making this known, that should lay to rest any dispute
about whether Shawn will be returning as a face. Shawn's comeback
match, next week on Raw, will be against King Kong Bundy. Talk about
falling off the horse and getting right back on!
But it's back to the slide show, this time it's the Razor Ramon
handicap match. Razor gives JJ the Edge and wins, but then finds that
the Roadie has finally learned how to do a sneak attack properly.
Mystery guest, enter, and don't sign in, please. He cleans house, and
is then escorted backstage in order to be signed to a contract. Sambio
Vega is his name (though you can just call him "El Kwang"), and
unfortunately he thinking he is being interviewed by the Spanish
announcers. Hearing a question asked in English moves him to
bilinguailty, whereupon he apologizes to the crowd, but he's a friend
of Razor's (or is *now*, anyway...), and isn't about to let Double J
and the Roadie hasta la vista taco burrito muchacho. We seem to be
having technical problems with the universal translator, so let's move
Cut to a shot of Bam Bam, making sure his head is screwed on tightly
enough for his upcoming match with IRS...
-- ad break --
And now, a message from the World Wrestling Federation Shopping
Network. Leftover Sid/Diesel shirts are still available, as well as a
number of shirts with a picture of a guy who just can't seem to beat
Jerry Lawler no matter how hard he tries. Each purchase of the latter
shirt comes, free of charge, with a personal visit from the King
Mantaur (w/Jim Cornette) vs. Bob "Spark(y)plugg" Holly in a KOTR
Mantaur starts the match by setting a new indoor Holly put record of
over twelve feet. On a second lockup, Mantaur quietly and calmly
pushes Holly out of the ring. So we've pretty much established who's
larger here. Holly get backs in, dodges Mantaur's grasp, and lands two
precision dropkicks, which seriously annoy his opponent. Holly tries
sending Mantaur for the ride, a less than productive idea, as Holly
comes in second best in the battle of the shoulder blocks. Trying it
again, Holly tries to... well, whatever he had in mind, it fell apart
as he slid off Mantaur's blubbery frame, Mantaur maneuvered into a
lockup, then quickly executed a body slam. Then a cross-body slam, for
two. Holly isn't feeling so well, so he crawls over to the ropes, where
Mantaur at first chokes him, then decides to go for the more legal
Bossman Sit. After a bit more general mauling, Holly has had enough.
He gets up, and marches straight into his favorite part of the ring,
the corner. Turning around, he duly lands two choice kicks into
Mantaur's belly. Mantaur, not caring much for this, moves in and
chokes Holly again. A couple of headblows, then we move out of the
corner so Mantaur can execute a sidewalk slam. Then Mantaur stands up
and moos. Myself, I'd have covered for the easy pin, but to each his
own. Instead, a stomp, and an abbreviated version of the Bulldog's
half-hour slam. A casual cover gets 2. Holly, up to his knees, takes
a swing at Mantaur, which Mantaur acknowledges with a headbutt. This is
all getting pretty gratuitous, so let's talk about Shawn Michaels'
comeback match. It seems Michaels asked for a match against Sid, but
the Corporation regretfully informed him that Sid was temporarily out
of stock, so they sent him, at a reduced price, King Kong Bundy, with
the promise of Sid when their stock was resupplied. Meanwhile, Mantaur
is going into his forklift impression, so Holly had better do something
soon. Something proves to be getting out of the way of Mantaur's
charge into the corner, then rolling him up but only getting two, then
wandering over to the ropes and collapsing. Holly, with little to lose
now, decides to turn himself in the Human Unguided Missile. On being
sent for the ride, first a dropkick to Mantaur's back. Then three
straight clotheslines, and now Mantaur is actually slightly staggered.
Holy decides this is going to take all day at this rate, so he takes it
upstairs, and hits a flying dropkick. Only two. Well, if at first you
don't succeed, go to the well again. Holly goes for a flying
cross-body block, Mantaur turns around, and catches him...across the
shoulders. Mantaur falls, and this time Holly hangs on for the
three-count, the preserving the mandatory first-round face-heel
matchup. And here are tonight's winning lottery numbers; oops, my
mistake, that the phone number for KOTR tickets.
Michaels/Bundy promo. All I want is some assurance that Michaels won't
change much now that he's a face. This promo is sort of reassuring,
but I'd like to see the genuine article before I relax.
-- ad break --
McMahon asks the crowd if they would please welcome Mr. Bob Backlund,
especially since he's standing in the middle of the ring and is
generally being ignored. Most of the crowd continues to do so. So
McMahon applies the appropriate punishment, handing Backlund and
telling him to start talking. According to the official translation,
Backlund starts by predicting his announcement will upset a bunch of
people, then goes on to describe some sort of acid trip he was on
during his match with Bret Hart at WMXI. Seriously, I'm getting the
idea that Backlund didn't turn face after all at WMXI. McMahon
restates his question: Why did you come to our planet, Mr. Backlund?
Returning to the translation, Backlund says his life has had its great
moments, as has the world. For example, back in 1776 BC... oh dear,
this is going to take a while, isn't it? En route to the present day,
Backlund blows a major hole in many conspiratorialist theories by
revealing that John F. Kennedy was shot to death on December 22, 1983,
not twenty years earlier as had been previously believed. At long
last, Bob Backlund's throat reaches its thousand-syllable screaming
limit, thus further delaying him from getting to the point, assuming he
had one. He's under complete control, but he could really use a
Chloraspetic right now. Finally, he decides it's now or never for
getting it out, so: "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LET ME TELL YOU. I'M
CONTEMPLATING RUNNING FOR THE PRESIDENCY OF THE UNITED STATES OF
McMahon is completely stunned. So am I, because, as you might recall,
way back, seven months ago, when the great Christopher Robin Zimmerman
stepped down from his lofty title of "That RAW Guy", and a number of
relative unknowns stepped in, in an effort to fill his shoes, one of
"This past weekend on the Heartbreak Hotel: Sean Michaels thinks
Mister Backlund's new attitude will make him fun at parties now.
Backlund RSVP's regrets. Backlund issues a challenge to "a man who is
quagmired in a sea of hypocrisy and engulfed in a river of lies." I
betray my political leanings by thinking Backlund is running for
President. Not once does Backlund actually mention Bret Hart's name,
so maybe I am right after all..."
-- Medium-Rare RAW Report #1, October 10, 1994
I would simply like to add that I will gladly inform Titan where they
may send the check.
-- ad break --
Lawler is proudly wearing his "Mr. Backlund for President" button, and
offers one to McMahon, who politely declines, so I guess Backlund isn't
a face after all. While Lawler tries to build Backlund's case,
McMahon retreats in desperation to the slide show, this time featuring
the Sid/Diesel match. Sid powerbombs Diesel. Forgetting to mention
the twenty-second delay in covering, McMahon simply states Diesel
kicked out. "No one's ever done that," claims Lawler. Well, no one we
can mention on the air, anyway. Diesel returns the favor with a
jackknife of his own, whereupon Tatanka runs in for the save and the
DQ. Finally, all these good deeds Diesel has been gratuitously
performing lately pay off, as Bam Bam Bigelow runs in to save Diesel
and even the score between them.
No sooner do DiBiase and Schyster enter the arena when Jim Ross
ambushes them with a question about tonight's match. DiBiase responds
by stating that a picture is worth a thousand words, but not specifying
which picture. He goes on to name what will be the main event at KOTR,
Bigelow and Diesel against Sid and Tatanka. DiBiase dispels any notion
of psychic ability on his part, by showing that he is somehow under the
impression Bigelow cost Sid the title the night before.
-- promotional considerations --
I. R. S. (w/DiBiase) vs. Bam Bam Bigelow
And we get a second look at Bigelow's new getup. Yes, a bit
reminiscent of LOD, but also some influence from Damien Demento, for an
overall effect resembling Sonic the Hedgehog. Oh Luna, Luna,
wheretheheck art thou, Luna? Stealing a page from the Cornette/Bodies
routine of mutual admiration, Bigelow first act is to introduce a
friend of his... Diesel!! In sharp contrast to our official combatant,
the WWF champion new outfit is considerably more understated than his
previous attire. A simple white tank top with a trade union logo.
Diesel marches straight in DiBiase's direction, whereupon DiBiase
suddenly remembers some options trading he needed to get done before the
close of business, and scampers off. Diesel doesn't really understand
options trading, so he decides to stick around and watch the match. So
amend that to:
I. R. S. vs. Bam Bam Bigelow (w/Diesel)
The match starts as a slugfest, so naturally Bigelow gains the early
upper hand. A couple of missed clotheslines later, Bigelow hits an
atomic drop and IRS bounces out of the ring. Schyster is overall less
than pleased with the turn of events. Helpfully, McMahon points out
that Bigelow has an injured leg (wonder if Bam Bam knows about it?),
which, if attacked strenuously enough, might yet yield an IRS victory
in this match. McMahon sort of sounds like the announcer trying to
maintain interest in the 5-0 hockey game as the third period starts. At
any rate, with the Bam Bam's bum leg firmly in mind, IRS attacks with a
knee to the gut and an elbow to the head. A whip is reversed, and
Bigelow shoulderblocks IRS to the mat. Bigelow comes off the ropes,
overshoots a bit, backs up, realigns... and still misses the headbutt.
IRS with an uppercut, a whip, again reversed, and IRS grabs the ropes
and pulls himself out of the ring. While attempting to collect his
thoughts Schyster notes a Big Daddy Cool casually approaching at nine
o'clock. Irwin decides he'd prefer not to be in such close quarters,
but Diesel insists, and harasses IRS by grabbing on to the suspenders.
Instead of the DQ this deserves, though, it only results in an
-- ad break --
Upon return, Bigelow flattens IRS with a clothesline. Perhaps this is
going to be IRS' farewell match after all. Bam Bam calmly lands a
headbutt, and it feels so good he decides to try it again, this time
from the top rope. Schyster doesn't care much for that prospect, and
moves away. Schyster continues to work on Bigelow's bad leg, with a
knee to the gut, and then a series of clotheslines, the third of which
finally fells the Beast from the East. Bigelow was just getting up,
but IRS covers, so Bigelow takes two more counts of rest before rising
again. IRS lays Bigelow back down and lands a couple of elbow drops.
How about now? Two. And now IRS applies... the reverse chinlock.
Bigelow gets right up from that, so Schyster switches gears and goes
for an abdominal stretch, the closest he's gotten to the legs yet. When
Bigelow finds he just can't hold the pose anymore, he turns around and
pushes Schyster into the corner, whereupon Bam Bam gives the top
turnbuckle an elbow smash it won't soon forget. IRS unloads another
head shot, whips Bigelow into the turnbuckle, then whips himself into
it as well. While IRS goes on with a few more careful doses of
punishment, Lawler warns that Diesel might yet figure into things.
McMahon thinks little of that, but I'd guess Mr. Perfect wouldn't.
Finally, Schyster gets an idea; a really, really BAD idea. Removing a
turnbuckle from its appointed position on the top rope, he then helps
Bigelow's headlong charge into it straight towards its intended
destination. IRS covers, but for reasons he might be able to explain
later, decides to prop himself up on the second rope in the process.
This is all the excuse Diesel needs to interrupt the pin, which he
does, with the built in excuse that he wanted IRS's pinfall victory to
be completely legal and not subject to reversal. IRS realizes he isn't
going to win the argument, and so he turns his attention back to Bam
Bam, with a couple more head shots, and another trip to the turnbuckle
that wasn't there. Bigelow blocks IRS's effort to cut him open. IRS
likewise blocks Bigelow's return effort, but some freak elasticity in
the ropes sends IRS careening to the mat. Bigelow seals it with a
headbutt, and makes his first cover of the match the last.
Out comes Ted DiBiase, with his options traders, Tatanka and Sid. Ah,
now things are going to get interesting...
-- ad break --
Well, I guess we're just going to have to write our own ending to that
story, because we've only just enough time to give next week's match,
Shawn Michaels vs. King Kong Bundy, it's rightful hype...
Ah, highlights of Shawn Michaels' career, drawn entirely from that
segment spent as a heel. And how about that, I can actually make out
the words to his, er, song!! An amazingly high number of clips involve
a certain ladder. And all the shots involving Pamela Anderson are of
moments when she actually looks like she might be happy being with the
Boy Toy. In a few shots, Shawn looks like he might be growing a beard,
which gives him an overall Neidhart-esque countenance; I'd think twice
about that, Shawn.
King Kong Bundy gets the last word, this time.