KJP'S MEDIUM RARE RAW REPORT #34
Date: 06/12/95 Taping date: 06/05/95 Site: Struthers Auditorium,
Struthers, OH. Hosts: Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler
Geez, you'd think it'd never happen twice. But sometimes things just
all happen at once. My Ice Age still isn't in, I'm getting flamed by
idiots on another group, and I'm generally in a pretty lousy mood when
I glance at the clock and see it's 9:03...
Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Dwayne Gill
So it looks like all I missed were the opening jokes and a little
firestorm. Nothing major, at least compared to Bam Bam's new outfit,
which actually looks *worse* with that weirdo logo on his chest. Since
the match is no mystery, let's phone up Diesel and see how he's doing.
He'll definitely be there, even though he's been turning corners with
his elbow, so it's not healing as quickly as he thought. He is
distinctly unresponsive to question about what if he gets powerbombed
and re-opens the wound, preferring to talk about closing Lawler's
mouth. Bam Bam with the headbutt, though he must have hit something
hard, since he was clearly checking for blood.
Waylon Mercy. Sort of a Forrest Gump from Hell. Doesn't like the idea
of other wrestlers touching him, which really could put a crimp in his
And the WWF blimp has its own tour. Friday, NYC. Saturday, US Golf
Open, Sunday, Fenway Park. Not showing up at any actual *wrestling*
events, I notice...
-- ad break --
A subtle promo for Special Olympics, followed by the completely
unsubtle Barry Niemenski. What's he selling this week? Well, they
call them milkcaps, or more precisely, Mad Caps, but I think that
despite our best efforts, we all better know them as POGS! The Smoking
Gunns, with nothing better to be doing, help out with the
demonstration, along with a bad Lewis Carroll character ripoff.
Kama (w/DiBiase) vs. David Haskins
During the intro, a caring Undertaker fan plants a black wreath on the
other side of the rail. Since Kama must destroy his opponent before
dealing with the matter, Vince and Jerry pass the time trading more
smelly foot jokes. They run out of steam after "archenemy", so it's on
to the promo copy, which is my cue to note in passing that USA has
cancelled Tekwar, whose ratings plummeted when it moved out of the slot
after Raw. Kama with a belly-to-back suplex, after which he goes and
vents his spleen at the spectator. He will feel very silly later when
he finds out he was yelling at a mannequin.
Todd Pettengill, on a subtlety kick, with your King of the Ring report.
That main event. Sid goes into a discussion of movie plots. That
other match. Over to Lawler for commentary, where he has a projected
model of the state of his foot in two weeks' time. Just leave that
next to Bret Hart's head when you're done, King. Pettengill complains
about its odor from way off in the other studio. And the brackets,
where nothing's changed. In other words, another waste of time.
Backstage, Yokozuna's putting the finishing touches on his eleventh
meal of the day. Rice again. Hey, at least he knows how to use
chopsticks, which is more than a lot of San Franciscans can say.
-- ad break --
WWF Tour de Force. For the enlightenment of those watching on USA,
they're in Germany, touring such cities as Nurnberg, Manheim, Essen,
Man Mountain Rock. What else is there to say.
-- promotional considerations --
Man Mountain Rock vs. Bob Cook
And of course the big news is Bob Backlund's threatened confrontation
with Man Mountain Rock. But we've no time to explore this in depth, as
Rock quickly secures the submission with an armbar, after which McMahon
crowbars in the obligatory nod to Capt. Scott O'Grady, whose current
problems threaten to lead us back to the foot discussion if not for...
Stephanie Wiand, Pettengill's tag-team partner, with your Hall of Fame
Banquet report. The inductees: Rocco, Ladd, Putski, and now: The
Fabulous Moolah, Pedro Morales, the Grand Wizard, and George "The
-- ad break --
Backstage, Bob Backlund, as promised, confronts Man Mountain Rock, or
at least his guitar. The instrument makes a valiant attempt to escape,
but being inanimate it doesn't stand much of a chance. Backlund picks
it up much as one would a dead mouse, then drops it and steps on it.
While waiting for his motor skills to re-assert themselves, Backlund
goes into a mini-speech, which ends with a few of his favorite groups:
The Crawling Stones, Frozen Tea, Rolling Rock... finally taking out his
frustrations over his inability to be coherent on an innocent storage
trunk that happened to be in the vicinity before falling and going into
convulsions. Sad, really.
Since I don't know who this next entry is, I'll just call them...
Mystery Tekno Team 2000 vs. John Crystal and Mike Khoury
Well, one of them's named Troy, and while I wait to find out more,
McMahon and Lawler swap theories as to who was to blame for that last
scene. Lawler says it was an accident, but McMahon says it was no
accident, it was murder. Since information on the feature team who is
debuting here would be just too helpful, the conversation wanders back
the the Kiss My Foot match (well, at least it's not a "Kiss My Grits"
match), and finally to Lawler's favorite pastime, bashing the Hart
family. Ah, Travis is the partner's name. Now all we need are last
names... well, that may be asking too much. For all their fancy moves,
a simply monkeyflip from the top rope is what nets TTTT their first Raw
Back at the ranch, Man Mountain Rock comes very close to the award for
Most Pathetic Display Over a Broken Musical Instrument, but keeps it
together just well enough to allow Tiny Tim to keep the award. He
threatens revenge, which is too bad since that will involve Backlund
getting back in the ring...
-- ad break --
Next week: Sid/Tatanka vs. the Headshrinkers. Remember them?
Yokozuna (w/Cornette and Fuji) vs. Lex Luger (w/flagbearer), KotR
And Yoko is up to 641 pounds by official records. Of course the pound
has been losing value nearly as fast as the dollar has, so in reality
Yokozuna has simply been maintaining his weight in its official unit of
measure, the yen.
In other news, Razor Ramon, not content to sit back and wait for a
challenger to be determined, went and got himself injured over the
weekend. So maybe if this match goes indecisive they ought to just
scrap the fourth match altogether and put the Roadie in the KotR final
to face Shawn. Hey, it'd be good for a laugh.
Lex has a meatier flagbearer this time, so they let him stay at
ringside, hopefully to counter Fuji's waving of the Japanese flag.
While Yoko and Lex have their own flag-waving competition to begin the
match, Jerry Lawler steals not one, but two of my jokes from last week.
Yoko with some vicious finger pointing, which Lex furiously deflects,
after which they go straight into the classic "I block your punch, you
don't block mine" routine, after which Luger sets himself up quite
nicely for a body slam. Yoko misses an elbow drop, and Lex seizes the
opportunity to apply his favored arm twist hold. Yoko tosses Lex into
a corner, then waddles into the turnbuckle, whereupon Luger resumes the
hold. Yoko backs Lex into another corner, hits him with the fore of
his free arm, then offers Luger a bite of turnbuckle. Lex refuses, and
offers it to Yoko instead. Yoko, not quite having digested that bowl
of rice just yet, hesitates, but an elbow to the chest convinces him to
dig in. Ten helpings later Luger hits him in the chest, and a few
moments later Yoko reacts and tumbles out of the ring. While Cornette
tries to revive his man, McMahon asserts that Luger does not want to
win this match by countdown. In Heaven's name, why not?? Is Luger so
stupid he thinks you can only qualify for KotR via pinfall or
submission? On second thought, don't answer that. At any rate, with
Luger helpfully breaking the count at regular intervals, Yoko has
plenty of time to revive, recoup, and discuss that Geisha he and Fuji
met last night at the massage parlor. Yoko finally re-enters,
whereupon Luger pushes him into the corner to give him the Infuriating
Enemy Pummel. He gets six punches of the ten in before a seriously
annoyed Yokozuna pushes him off. Yoko waddles over and misses a leg
drop. Lex is right back up, but Yokozuna is not, so while Lex ponders
what to do next (note that covering Yoko never occurs to him), Lex
eventually wanders over and asks Fuji about how he might go about
getting around that 100% tariff on luxury cars in the future. Yoko
finds the time to get up and blindside Luger, and a series of punches
to the corner-bound Luger sends him to the mat the slow, hard way. Yoko
with a series of choke holds and satellite misfeeds. But the flagbearer
-- ad break --
We return just in time for the Ritual of Elbowing Out, presumably of a
nerve hold since Yoko's arms are too large for a reverse chinlock. Out
of the hold, Lex ducks one clothesline, then doesn't duck another.
Yoko with some mysterious hand signals to Fuji. While Yoko goes
through the motions of getting Luger up and having him go stand in the
corner, McMahon reveals that while Owen Hart and Davey Boy Smith are
present in the arena, they will *not* be making an appearance at
ringside, despite the fact that Jack Tunney ordered them not to. Yoko
with a cross-corner whip (call it two inches), then backs up for the
charge... and Luger beats the ten-second time limit to get out of the
way. Luger, getting over what little fatigue he has built up, starts
hammering away on Yoko, first with punches, then with shoulderblocks,
then flying double axehandles, then clotheslines, and it's just
occurring to Yokozuna that someone is attacking him. Finally, a flying
clothesline from the second rope takes the sumo down. Luger stands up
and celebrates, while at the same time priming his famous metal
forearm. Unfortunately, that weapon is really only useful against a
standing enemy, so all Luger can do is keep strutting around slapping
his forearm until Yokozuna decides to stand up and take his medicine.
Meanwhile, Mr. Fuji, feeling the need to do something, decides to play
capture the flag. The ancient Fuji calmly pushes over the fit young
man carrying the American flag and duly obtains Old Glory, which he
will no doubt be in a hurry to have his way with before that anti
flag-burning amendment gets passed. Luger, no fool, notices that the
Japanese flag Fuji is carrying has a bit too much red, not enough
white, and a very suspicious-looking patch of what just might be blue,
and deduces the truth of the matter, which is of course that he is
supposed to drop everything and go confront Mr. Fuji. Cornette makes a
stab at a disqualifying sneak attack, but Luger is too fast for that
and down Jim goes. Lex deftly snatches the flag, proudly returns it to
its bearer, and wafts in the patriotic glow of the aftermath as he
struggles to remember just what it was he was doing before the
interruption. A highly impatient Yokozuna walks up and provides a
reminder by ramming Lex into the nearest steel post. Yokozuna adds a
leg drop for good measure before tackling the most challenging part of
the match -- getting himself back in the ring before the count of ten.
He manages it, and thus Lex is the only one counted out. Once back on
his feet, Yoko gets a chuckle out of the matter, while Lex is mumbling
something about trucks and license plate numbers...
-- promotional considerations --
(So Razor/Yoko is our final match. Not much seriously changes; except
that since an Undertaker/Yokozuna match in the final would require too
much setup, it looks pretty likely that a trifecta of Kama, Undertaker
(possibly Mabel), and Yokozuna will be the winning line for the
When we return...Lawler's feet.
-- ad break --
Lawler badly wants to show his training film, but Vince is going to do
the setup for next week nice and slow. Speaking of which, the
Undertaker is on next week's card, as is Shawn Michaels, and the main
event Tatanka/Sid vs. Headshrinkers. With that, we can no longer put
...Lawler's training film. Oh, did you think this was actually going
to involve exercise in any form. Ha ha. No, Lawler's just playing a
little number called "Tiptoe Through the Horse Stable".
But is it effective? Just ask Aldo "The Jellyfish" Montoya, who
suffered a defeat no less embarrassing than Bret Hart's defeat, perhaps
even more so, since Lawler won singlehandedly. Then he exacted the
appropriate punishment, singlefootedly. Really, it's not even close to
as bad as they'd been making it out to be, although even spicing it up
with a few back- and-forth replays of the spectacle doesn't keep it
from being a pretty cheesy way to end the show.
-- Kevin J. Podsiadlik