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The View from Diamondhead

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Baseball and Romance

By Marshall Adesman

The pollen, the unpredictable weather, the long lines at Home Depot ­ it must be spring. Of course, all baseball fans knew that already, knew it as far back as late February, when pitchers and catcher reported to Florida and Arizona even while most of the rest of the country was still shoveling and shivering. While baseball is primarily the summer game, it annually gears up in the spring, renews itself, just as we all do, after the harshness of winter. 

According to an old saying, the spring is also supposed to be the time when a young man's thoughts turn to love. I can still remember my days as a bachelor (long-term memory stays sharp even while short-term memory necessitates posting sticky notes all over the computer screen), and I know that thoughts about love seemed to transcend the seasons, but who am I to argue with a timeless quotation? Anyway, I am here to offer some advice to those of you who mistakenly think that baseball and romance simply don't mix. 

In fact, in my opinion, no team sport lends itself more to male-female bonding than baseball. We need to look no further than that mirror of society, Hollywood, to make our case. Can you think of romantic football, basketball or hockey films? Keanu Reeves and Brooke Langton in "The Replacements"? Come on! Besides, most football movies deal primarily with the tyrannical coach or the young man who's short on talent but long on heart and desire. Gene Hackman and Barbara Hershey in "Hoosiers"? I have always loved Ms. Hershey but no, not really a romantic film. Paul Newman and Jennifer Warren in "Slap Shot"? Hysterical movie but who remembers anything other than Newman and those maniacal Hanson brothers?  

But in baseball, romance is everywhere! Teresa Wright stands by a dying Lou Gehrig (as played by Gary Cooper) in "Pride of the Yankees." Doris Day gives strength to the alcoholic, epileptic Grover Cleveland Alexander (yes, that's Ronald Reagan) in "The Winning Team," while the same can be said for Ruby Dee in "The Jackie Robinson Story" and Joanne Dru in "Pride of St. Louis." Kevin Costner would never have built that field if wife Amy Madigan weren't in his corner the entire time. And is there anything more romantic than "Bull Durham," even the life-imitating-art pairing of Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins? Why, baseball just abounds with passion! 

Of course, real life is generally different from reel life, so despite these sterling examples, I'm sure you'd like to know how baseball could aid you in your amorous pursuits.  

If you're a baseball-loving female, I doubt you need any suggestions from me. Once the word gets out in the office or classroom, or any other setting in which men and women interact, that you like to go out to the old ballpark and cheer for the local nine, well, I'm sure I don't have to tell you that you'll be fielding so many offers you'll need a first baseman's mitt. Even if you're shy or not particularly glamorous, your inner beauty comes shining through to any man who is a true baseball fan. If I may offer one word of caution, though: since you have your pick of dating partners, please don't choose some yutz who is not a fan. He obviously is not for you, is probably only interested in sex or having someone do his laundry, and is simply better off being left for those other girls; you know, the ones who like one of those lesser sports, or who don't care for sports at all. 

Now for you guys, we have two different avenues we can take: you can either date a fan or a non-fan. Finding a girl who already is a fan is every man's desire, of course, but is also difficult to do, especially once you start approaching thirty. That's because they get snapped up so quickly, as we stated just a moment ago ­ PAY ATTENTION! So guys, if you happen to meet a young lady who is already a fan, already knowledgeable about the game, don't waste a lot of time. Try not to make too much of a fool of yourself, do your best to hide your shortcomings and to sell your limited attributes, and borrow the money (interest rates are real favorable these days!) for a fancy diamond engagement ring. Afraid of commitment? Thinking of playing the field for a few more years? Not quite sure that she's really "the one"? If you hesitate you'll miss out, my friend, just like a pitcher who fields a bunt but then can't decide if he should throw to third or play it safe and just go to first. Someone else will snap her up and you'll wind up alone or ­ even worse! -- with someone who hates baseball. Be decisive, fire that ball to third. 

(What if she's already a fan but roots for another team? It's certainly not ideal but it can work. I have a close friend who has been in such a mixed marriage for about thirty years and it hasn't hurt either of them. Admittedly, it helps that they're not in the same league ­ he roots for Minnesota and she's for Pittsburgh, and if not for the Braves their union could have burst at the seams in 1991. But a mix such as this is at least tolerable, with one glaring exception: if you root for the Yankees and she pulls for the Red Sox, or vice versa, then all the statistics show that such a bond can never possibly last, and you should just break it off quickly and cleanly before someone [probably the Sox fan] gets hurt.) 

Now, I'm sure you think that dating a non-fan is also terrible, but it could prove to be a terrifically fulfilling experience because it gives you the opportunity to teach her virtually from scratch. Of course, if she's completely unwilling to learn then you're faced with a major decision, and here I would advise simply treating her like a draft choice that has never met expectations: cut your losses and move on. But if she doesn't mind learning, then you're really in quite an enviable position. You can sit in front of the TV and point out all sorts of things, such as the benefits of throwing a first-pitch strike. You can teach her how to keep score, and how to tell a slider from a curve. Then you can go outside and work on some of the points you've discussed, such as the importance of hitting the cutoff man. And finally, when she's ready, you can take her to the ballpark and let her experience the splendor of a live game. I'd recommend starting off in A-ball, you don't want to over-match her and potentially kill her confidence; remember David Clyde. Let her gain plenty of experience at the lower levels before you've determined that she's ready to make that first trip to a major league stadium. And of course you'll also be teaching her to root for your team, which is so important to a long-lasting relationship. 

This is what I meant when I said that baseball lends itself to more "male-female bonding" than any other sport. Baseball's leisurely pace is made for such teaching and actively encourages this quality, one-on-one time together. You are getting to know each other, ultimately drawing closer. This simply can't happen at a basketball or hockey game, which are both too fast and too loud to promote any real instruction, or at a football game, which is just a totally useless waste of time anyway. Only baseball is truly conducive to romance. 

You probably want to know if I practice what I preach. Well, 21 years ago I met a very casual fan and have been teaching her the game ever since. While she doesn't really root for any one team, she does enjoy going to a game, especially to a couple of favorite ballparks in the Southeast. She even once suggested -- without any prompting whatsoever from me, I might add! -- that when we retire we should, perhaps, try to see a minor league game in every state in the union! That remains one of the proudest moments of my life, along with that time in Milwaukee when we had to change seats because she was riding the umpires so hard. You can't buy memories like that. 

I am happy to give this advice free to all DIAMOND ANGLE subscribers, but if you have more specific questions I will have to charge you a consultation fee, although I may decide to give a discount to long-time readers. And as I'm sure you realize, these insights are ripe for development into a cross-country, for-profit series of seminars, followed by an instructional manual you can purchase on CD-ROM, and maybe, just maybe, my own reality series on Fox, in which I instruct a group of students and then send them out, one by one, to try their luck with the opposite sex. I'm thinking of calling it "This Date in Baseball," and if you'd like to be on the show please just contact my agent, David Wells.