Doink threatens the Macho Man, for seemingly no reason. Oh, no, wait, he's
tired of all of his interference (clips of Savage dragging out the extra
Doink from a previous RAW match) in his matches. Doink promises the "Macho
Boy" a big surprise later.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon, the Macho Man Randy Savage, and Bobby the
Brain Heenan, who provide all commentary. We get a shot of Stu and Helen
Hart in the balcony, who are here to provide heat for the upcoming
Bam Bam Bigelow v. Bret Hart - Luna Tunes comes out wearing a lovely black
cast, which goes unmentioned by the commentators, while Hart is introduced
as the King of the Ring, for those of us who forgot. Heenan says Lawler is
in town, which shouldn't come as a shock to anyone because this is last
week's taping. Heenan goes on to call Tiny Tim a "dried up old prune," and,
in reference to the Hart parents: "Which one's Stu again?" After a Bam Bam
flurry, and subsequent Hitman flurry, Bigelow ends up on the outside of the
ring. Hart takes turns between hurting Bigelow on the outside and turning
to face Luna for no reason. They both go back in, and Hart climbs to the
top and does the flying sitdown on Bigelow. Apparently, this hurts his
knee, because the commentators spend the rest of the match talking about it.
We take an ad break, and when we come back, Hart is on the outside holding
his knee while Bigelow and Luna make out. Hart coms back in. Bigelow with
half hour suplex for 2. Devastating whip into the buckly. Hart tries to
come back with a cross body, but Bam Bam catches him and slams him. 2.
Headbutt. (Savage: "This guy's great!") Second headbutt. Third -- no,
Hart rolls away. Bigelow should know better, the third one NEVER works.
Hart with punches and impressive back suplex. Hart with punch, dropkick. 2
count for Hart. They trade blows, and Bigelow gets the better of the
matchup. Bigelow with dropkick that completely misses, but Hart sells.
Chokehold, and another ad break. We come back to the same hold. "Let's go
Bret! Let's go Bret!" Bigelow misses a dropkick, and Hart comes roaring
back. Punches, baaaaack body drop. Bigelow with headbutt, Hart answers
with elbow. 2 for Hart. Hart drags Bammer's hairless head across the rope.
Hart with headbutts to the extreme lower back (figure out Heenan's comment).
2 for Hart. Hart with clothesline from the ropes. 2 again. Hart with
punches and sleeper. Bigelow takes Hart to the corner to break the hold,
but Hart comes back with a reverse DDT. Yes, the Sharpshooter is imminent,
so let's cue Jerry Lawler, who is in the balcony next to the Harts, with a
working microphone. Of course, Hart breaks the hold and starts for the
balcony. He gets as far as the second row before Bigelow wakes up, goes
out, headbutts him, and brings him back. Lawler tries to carry the Harts in
an "interview," but the Harts rank very low on the clever rejoinder scale,
so Lawler flies solo, and is merciless with his comments. Hart gets
pummelled. Bigelow for 2. I wonder why, if he's so offensive to the
commentators, one doesn't find a why to turn off his mic. Bigelow misses
the butt drop from the top, Hart punches away. Hart with two clotheslines
(notice Hart isn't dumb enough to try three of anything) and a 2 count.
Hart with ANOTHER DDT variant, and off he goes to find Lawler. Yeah, why
bother to pin him. Referee "Blind" Dave Hebner gets to 10 faster than Nobbs
and Sags were fired, and that's that. By the time Hart gets to the balcony,
Lawler is long gone. Watch those security guards push kids out of the way
so the wrestlers can get through. Ha ha ha... Anyway, Hart ends up
consoling his "obviously" distraught parents.
Promos: ICOPRO (Luger), WWF Figures, Jurassic Part Action Figures.
Mean Gene Okerlund, with YOUR SummerSlam Report, sponsored by Chevy Trucks,
one of which is Lex's. It's official: The Narcissist (oops) takes on
Yokozima in a WWF Title Match. Solomon Tunney has ruled that Luger has to
wear a forearm pad on his elbow, or something like that. Hart/Lawler
(Okerlund thinks Lawler's a jerk. Call your mom and let her know!) RIP
Match...hmm, wonder if that'll include an Electric Chair. Doesn't the WWF
have one lying around somewhere?
Mr. Hughes v. Ross Greenberg - Vince: "I've never seen anyone dis, as they
say, the Undertaker in quite that fashion." Vince McMahon: on the cutting
edge. Sure enough, a black wreath is delivered to ringside, and sure
enough, after the requisite sidewalk slam, Hughes demolishes it.
"Undertaker" chant from ringside.
Scenes from the great big RCA shindig celebrating the 7-month-late release
of "WrestleMania: The Album" nee Slam Jam. True to form, the cover of said
album features eight wrestlers, three of which are no longer with the
federation. Vince says there's going to be stampedes at K Marts all across
the country tomorrow when the album is put on the shelves. Make your own
jokes here, kids. It's easy and fun. By the way, we get a shot of Savage
presenting Tiny Tim with a new uke. Awwww...
Smoking Scotsmen v. Dwayne Gill & Glen Ruth - Heenan says Glen's mother, who
Lord Alfred Hayes dated for awhile, is Dr. Ruth. Heenan saves this overlong
Clips of Ludwig Borge. Apparently, that song which reminds me so much of
"Home on the Range" is really the Finnish national anthem. Go figure.
Borge doesn't sing. Also, we get some clips of him riling up the crowd
before his match, and he pronounces his name "Borg" with no e. Someone
better tell him that's not how Vince proncounces it.
Vince, in an interview taped "before the show" (read: before the taping,
'cause the audience wasn't clued to the title match yet) talks with Lex
Luger. Lex doesn't mind about the forearm pad, he just wanted that title
shot. Lex wants the tough questions from the fans. We don't get any, but
have a promise that we may get some later.
Clips of Lex's call to action. Yawn.
Doink (The Clown) v. Phil Apollo - Vince amazes me with his move calling.
Vince mentions that Luger will talk about getting expelled from college, as
well as steroids in wrestling, in later interviews. Hmmmmmm. Doink wins
with the buttdrop off the top (I guess the Kunze Stump Puller is gone), then
give Savage a look. Taking the mic, *we* get an ad break instead.
When we come back, Doink invites "Macho Boy" to the ring for a face to face
chat. Vince restrains him. Doink goes out of the ring to face Savage.
Doink #2 soon appears in the ring, while Doink #3 appears in the balcony. A
challenge is issued...
Promos: GI Joe, Jurassic Park Action Figures (again), WWF Royal Rumble SNES
cart ("It's Perfect!") MIA: Slim Jim.
Savage accepts the match, promising some mind games of his own. I wonder if
that means we'll see the Genius as Macho #2.
We fade out with a bit of the reedited "WrestleMania" video, removing
unpersons and replacing with new superstars.
Christopher Robin Zimmerman, that one and only RAW guy