Mix 'n Match: Razor Ramon, The 1-2-3 Kid, Marty Jannetty, & (The One, The Only) "Macho Man" Randy Savage vs. The Stereotypes: I.R.S., Adam Bomb, "The Model" Rick Martel, and Diesel
Pre-match, Shcyster did his usual spiel about tax cheats. This is where my sucky cable company decided to start the PPV, so I don't know what happened before this. Razor's team made separate entrances, and Ramon took the mic.
Bobby Heenan: What is Dezi Arnez gonna do now?
He said that he was going to talk about his partner, "Perfecto," who apparently was so perfect that he tagged out before the match started. But he's got a surprise, because Randy Savage will take his place. McMahon speculated that Savage's intention was just to be in the same building as Crush. Bomb and Ramon started. After Razor was overpowered, he demonstrated his vast array of ring strategy by tagging in the Kid, who was manhandled by Bomb and Diesel.
Bobby Heenan: What do you think now, Razor? Little Ricky's getting his butt kicked!
He eventually made the tag to Savage, who cleaned house and pinned Diesel after his Elbow Smash. After a few minutes, Crush came out to distract Savage, and I.R.S. rolled him up for the pin. Savage ran after Crush and the match continued. Razor took out Schyster with the Razor's Edge. A brawl erupted, and as Razor went for another Edge on Martel, I.R.S. sneaked in and nailed him with the briefcase. Razor fell to the outside where he was counted out. A regular tag match grew out of the remaining participants. The Kid pinned Martel as he countered a shoulder block in the corner into a sunset flip. As Bomb lunged for the Kid, he tagged Jannetty, who vaulted over the ropes and pinned Bomb with another sunset flip, leaving the Kid and Marty as the survivors.
Backstage, Todd Pettengill interviewed Shawn Michaels, who has borrowed Jerry Lawler's hatred of the Hart Family especially for this upcoming match. They cut to a video taped earlier of Ray Combs interviewing the Harts. Shawn didn't think too much of it.
The Hart Family vs. Shawn Michaels & His Knights
This was the match that was supposed to be The Harts vs. Jerry "The King" Lawler & His Knights, but Lawler took a leave of absence shortly after his indictment on statutory rape and sodomy charges. The late Ray Combs was the guest ring announcer and commentator for the match. After throwing out some one-liners about Shawn, he announced him and his team as they made their way to the ring. Shawn did his best to antagonize the Harts who were at ringside, goading them to jump into the ring. Combs introduced Bruce Hart (no reaction), Keith Hart (no reaction), Owen Hart (mild reaction), and Bret Hart (deafening roar). Stu Hart, wearing a Bruins jacket, was in the corner for his sons.
Bobby Heenan: He's got a picture of Helen on the back of his jacket, how nice!
The Harts started strong, and made use of some quick teamwork against Shawn. The Knights were tagged in and did a number on the Harts. After some back-and-forth action, Owen was tagged in. A brawl erupted, and Owen came off the top with a missile dropkick on the Black Knight for the pin. The Knights made a comeback and targeted Keith and Bruce, the retired Hart brothers. Keith had his shoulder worked over, which he sold to the point that you thought his arm might pop out of its socket. The success was short-lived, as Bret was tagged in and soon put away the Red Knight with the Sharpshooter. The Blue Knight tried to get revenge, but Owen quickly put him away with the same move, leaving Shawn against the four Harts. Bret tagged in and viciously pummeled Shawn. All four Harts got them some, and even Stu got a shot in. When Bret set him up for the Sharpshooter, Shawn gave him an eye rake. Bret tagged to Owen, who continued the onslaught. Shawn reversed an Irish whip and Owen careened into Bret, who was on the apron nursing his eye. Bret flew into the barricade. Amidst the confusion, Owen was rolled up and pinned by Shawn. Combs had several simultaneous orgasms at that point. Heenan stole Combs's water bottle and threw it to Shawn. However, the Harts were too much, and Shawn rolled out of the ring and ran away, giving the Harts the count-out victory. As they celebrated, Owen returned to the ring and got in Bret's face, which of course was the heel turn that started the great Bret vs. Owen feud.
The All Americans vs. Foreign Fanatics feud recap. Tatanka. Borga. Streak. End. Yokozuna. Squish. Partner. Undertaker. Pierre. Conk. Partner. Crush.
SMW Tag Team Title Match: The Rock 'n Roll Express vs. The Heavenly Bodies
This match was thrown out as an attempt to get some publicity for Smoky Mountain Wrestling. It was basically your normal tag team match. The Express started out strong, outsmarting the Bodies at every turn. Unfortunately, Ricky Morton was isolated and double-teamed by Tom Pritchard and Jimmy Del Ray. After a long period of Bodies offense, Morton slipped free and tagged Robert Gibson. He cleaned house, but everyone soon got involved. The Express hit the double dropkick on Pritchard, but failed to secure the pin when the ref tried to get Morton out of the ring. James E. Cornette threw his tennis racket to Del Ray, who jumped off the top rope and planted it in the back of Gibson's head. He draped Pritchard over Gibson and hightailed it. The ref made the three count and we had new SMW tag champs.
Four Doinks vs. Bam Bam Bigelow, Bastion Booger, and The Headshrinkers
One of the worst matches ever, but it had COMEDY, so it was enjoyable in a sense that you're watching a movie you know is going to be stupid. Doink's music played, but it quickly turned into the Bushwhackers' theme and Luke and Butch strolled out with a wagon and a scooter, wearing Doink wigs and make-up. Men on a Mission's theme played, and they came out in Doink wigs and make-up with Oscar rapping their song, replacing the words Men on a Mission with Doinks. Samu was the first to be gone, as the Clowns offered him balloons. He started biting them, but one contained water. He was immediately rolled up by Luke and pinned. Booger came in and attacked the Bushwhackers but seemed more concerned with eating some of the Headshrinkers' bananas than winning the match. As he went for his Dancing Fat Man Butt Drop, Mabel pulled Luke away and Booger fell to his knees, which hurt his ass for some reason. The 'Whackers hit the Battering Ram and Mabel hit the "Oooaaahhhh!" legdrop for the pin. Fatu responded by hitting the Bushwhackers with a turkey carcass, which earned my praise as "Best Foreign Object Ever." However, Mo, who came into the ring and started riding the scooter in circles, distracted him. Bam Bam got pissed off and dropkicked Mo, dumping the scooter on the outside. Butch came in with a bucket of nothing. Fatu thought there was water in it and backed up, slipping on a banana peel. Butch quickly covered for the pin. Bam Bam rampaged in and cleaned house of Luke, Butch, and Mo, but ran into some problems with Mabel. He finally took Mabel down, but one of the Bushwhackers dumped confetti on Luna. Bam Bam went over to the corner to check on her and was promptly squished by Mo and Mabel. As he fell, all four Doinks piled on top of him for the three count. After the match, the real Doink made an appearance on the TitanTron's ancestor, the Video Wall. He made some insulting remarks about Bigelow and Luna, which pissed them off to no end.
Since this is Boston, the All-Americans had a special patriotic message for us, where they mentioned such historic people and events as Paul Revere, Bunker Hill, and finished with JFK's famous quote, "It is not what your country can do for you, but it is what you can do for your country."
The All Americans: Lex Luger, The Undertaker, & The Steiner Brothers vs. The Foreign Fanatics: Yokozuna, Ludvig Borga, Jacques, & Crush
Borga started by kicking everyone's ass. Rick was soon eliminated as he came off the top rope for a… something… to which Borga responded to with another… something… and pinned him. Crush was tagged in and started working over Scott. However, Randy Savage was spotted in the arena, after being thrown out earlier for going after Crush. Officials kept him back, and McMahon announced that he was once again being thrown out.
Bobby Heenan: How does he keep getting in? What is he, Batman? Does he come in through the rafters; is he hanging from the flags?
Savage was soon back out, this time with an army of officials and The Smoking Gunns holding him back. Crush got out of the ring to do battle with Savage and was counted out. After a few more minutes, Lex pinned Jacques with a second rope elbow. Yoko came in and worked on Luger. Luger tagged Scott, who had a little bit of success against Yoko, and went for an Irish whip and a dropkick. However, Yoko held onto the ropes and Scott hit the mat. He soon eliminated Scott with a big legdrop. Luger came back in, but Borga and Yoko teamed up on him. The Undertaker was finally tagged in and went to work on Yokozuna. He bounced off the ropes when Borga hit him from behind, which prompted the 'Taker to turn around and drop Borga with one punch. Yoko took the opportunity to give him the belly-to-belly suplex and drag him over to the corner. He hit the Banzai Drop, but The Undertaker sat up and made a comeback. They battled around ringside, with Yoko ricocheting Undertaker's head off the steps only to have him bounce right back up. Eventually, both men were counted out. Luger and Borga went at each other for the rights to Sole Survivor. What followed was a bunch of insanely crappy wrestling that I won't even bother to detail. After an obscenely long period of time, Luger finally pinned Borga after his flying forearm. Who knew Luger would "steel" the win? Okay, bad joke. In a bit of silliness after the match, Santa Claus came to the ring to congratulate Lex and wave his bells around a lot. It then started to snow in the Boston Gardens, which seemingly could mean only one thing. However, Glacier did not make his long-awaited debut.
Not a bad PPV. The first three matches were pretty good, and there was a bit of a surprise with the beginning of the Owen heel turn. The last two matches, however, weren't that great. The Doink match sucked big time, and the main event might have been good if not for Luger and Borga's snoozefest.