KJP'S MEDIUM RARE RAW REPORT #38
Date: 07/10/95 Taping date: 06/26/95 Site: Still undisclosed, though
rumored to be Bethlehem, PA. Hosts: Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler
We start with a little review of Sid's recent history in the WWF. April
4th (wait a minute, that was a *Tuesday*), Sid backs down from Shawn,
then mows him down moments later. Diesel shows up, Sid walks off.
April 24th, Bigelow gets canned, then quits. Sid gives him a warm
sending off. Diesel shows up, Sid walks off. May 14th, Diesel wins by
DQ over Sid. Sid and Tatanka respond by destroying Diesel. Bam Bam
shows up, Sid walks off. Three weeks ago, Diesel and Bigelow destroy
Tatanka, then ask for their tag match to continue as a handicap affair.
Sid says yeah right, and walks off. I get the idea that McMahon is
trying to show a pattern of behavior here, and I agree: Sid is
*definitely* into power walking.
At any rate, this leads us to the upcoming lumberjack match, where Sid
will apparently be at some sort of disadvantage since it'll be too
crowded for Sid to get his walking in. Sid, however, seems to think
that it's Diesel who will be hampered, and Sid will tell us why... when
he gets around to it.
-- titles --
And the capacity crowd is eagerly awaiting that most anticipated of
matches, a Savio Vega squash. That's Vince's story and he's sticking
to it. Lawler moves on to the main event, between the Allied Powers
and Tatanka/Henry Godwinn. Lawler says the Powers had a miserable
Fourth of July, since they spent it together, and, remembering what the
Fourth is all about, no more need be said.
But now it's time for the man who is now given credit for "guiding the
career of Jeff Jarrett"...
The Roadie (w/Jarrett) vs. Jerry Flynn
Well, the Roadie has the strut down. As the match wears on, McMahon
drops some none-too-subtle hints, about how Jarrett is more
appreciative of how the Roadie performs his menial duties than anything
else the Roadie might do. The Roadie really disgraces himself, though,
by finding it necessary to grab the ropes and thusly put the screws to
a mere jobber. And worse, the Roadie is no more subtle about it than
Jarrett is, as he gets caught very quickly. Roadie catches Flynn
trying to leap over him, slams him back and rolls him up for the pin.
Vince mentions for the second time how "charismatic" the Roadie is
(this must be from some alternative dictionary, wherein one would read:
"charismatic, adj. having really bizarre hair -- see Davey Boy Smith"),
and how JJ keeps stealing the spotlight, by connivingly standing off to
the side, on the apron, and pointing to the Roadie in the middle of the
ring, then raising the Roadie's arm in victory.
McMahon goes on to say he thinks that the success of his single and
album are going straight to Jarrett's head, and goes on to say that he
remembers how it wasn't always that way. Oh dear, it seems our
favorite announcer is afflicted with a bad case of flashbacks, the only
cure for which is to let it run its course...
JJ hopes to get his foot in the door with the cousin of some famous
music producer. (This was back when people were constantly misspelling
his name.) He is quickly shown the elevator.
Ah, that wasn't so bad, as we return to the present day, and they
recount how Jarrett released his album, and moved to Las Vegas, and, uh
oh, here comes another one...
JJ gets a very warm reception (as if they have any other kind in Las
Vegas in July) from Rip Taylor. And JJ is on his way...
And now we're almost there, oops, one more to get over, although this
almost doesn't count as a flashback, it being so recent: Jeff Jarrett's
new music video, apparently recorded in a car wash. Gee, you think
maybe they had some time to kill this week?
Luger complains that Tatanka's had too many 2-on-1 advantages over him
in the past. Maybe so, Lex, but he's still *Tatanka*. At any rate now
Lex has the British Bulldog along to even things up. They hope.
-- ad break --
Savio Vega vs. Mike Khoury
Okay, taking up McMahon's cue, let's quickly sum up Savio Vega's career
(as himself) in the WWF. First he bursts onto the scene, unannounced,
and almost saves Razor Ramon from the injured reserve list. Then he
goes on to almost win the King of the Ring tournament. Finally, he
almost wins the Intercontinental title from Jeff Jarrett. Savio, have
you ever considered taking up horseshoes?
Barry Niemenski forces us to look at a Razor Ramon T-Shirt, which is
probably the only thing keeping Savio from beating up Barry.
While Savio puts on an impressive display of wrestling and flamenco
dancing, McMahon and Lawler discuss Savio's impending tag match,
pitting Vega and his chronically injured friend Razor Ramon against Men
on a Mission, King Mabel and Sir Mo. This is really frustrating,
because there's just *got* to be a really vicious pun available on "Sir
Mo", but I'm drawing a total blank. The conversation strays to the
point where Lawler informs Vince that he has made an appointment on
McMahon's behalf at the office of Isaac Yankem, right after Bret Hart's
appointment. Savio with a really strange-looking pinning combination.
Guida's Dairy presents the Official 1995 International Special Olympics
Marching Band. And with that the WWF looks to run up its total on the
P. R. scoreboard. Dink nails Ah-nold with a joy buzzer (Didn't
Schwarznegger learn *anything* from working with DeVito?), and, well,
we're *really* short on matches this week...
-- ad break --
In Your House Ad. Gee, those guys that won that house probably never
imagined what they'd be in for. WWF Superstars coming in at all hours
of the day, raiding the refrigerator, partying down, Bob Backlund
decrying it all and causing more of a disturbance than anyone, and so
on. Well, that's life.
Vince McMahon gets to interview Psycho Sid. Or more precisely, he
interviews DiBiase, who denies all rumors of Sid's cowardice, then,
with a wave of his arm, asks the attendants to SEND IN THE CLOWNS!
And here they come: IRS, Tatanka, Godwinn, LaFitte, Blu 1, Blu 2, Rad
Radford, Mantaur, Skip, HH Helmsley, a Heavenly Body, Kama, Sir Mo, and
King Mabel. After three recounts, that's only fourteen lumberjacks,
though I imagine the other Body will round out the set. DiBiase starts
asking, "Whatcha gonna do, Diesel?" and for a brief, scary moment one
might think DiBiase is going to start talking about twenty-four inch
pythons, but instead goes into scenarios where Diesel might try to
escape, but will be taken back in by Sid's loyal forces. Of course it
isn't going to happen that way, but this is Ted's time, so let him have
his fun. Wrapping it up, DiBiase says there's only one more thing to
say, and the crowd immediately decides that it must be a Diesel chant.
But no, what DiBiase means is that this was supposed to be an interview
with Sid, and so, to avoid accusations of false advertising, Sid has to
say something. "BIG DIESEL, I HAVE SAID, I AM THE MASTER, AND I AM THE
RULER. I AM THE RULER OF THE WORLD." What eloquence. What perception.
What a camera shot. I didn't *want* to know this much about Sid's
-- ad break --
Barry Horowitz. Usually not well recognized unless he's flat on his
back, covered, with a referee pounding the mat three times nearby.
-- promotional considerations --
Skip Bodydonna dropkicks Horowitz, then decides he has time to get in a
few pushups. He gives a thumbs up to Sunny, and is about to resume,
when Barry very rudely grabs him from behind and rolls him into a
three-quarter nelson (as Ross called it) for the three-count!! No one
is more surprised by this result than Horowitz himself, but Sunny in
particular is extremely upset with her significant other. Well, there
you have it, it's happened. Now Horowitz may retire happily.
Hunter Hearst Helmsley vs. Matt Hardy
McMahon wonders if Hardy is thinking the same thing Horowitz was. For
Hardy's sake, I hope not, because I don't think Helmsley is going to be
as cooperative as Skip was. The crowd's reaction to Helmsley was,
well, to put it bluntly, hilarious, and I only wish I could do it
justice in words. On to the discussion at large, McMahon lets the
Internet know that the WWF is reading us "loud and clear", even if they
don't care too much for our opinions. Actually he doesn't make it
clear whether he's talking about passive commentary, such as this
column, or the newsgroup, or the stuff that gets dumped in their laps
because it was e-mailed directly to them. This leads us somehow to In
Your House again, specifically how it compares favorably to the
All-Star Game or the Stampede in Calgary, which leads Lawler straight
back to the Hart family. From there we go on to the recent passing of
Eva Gabor, and the problem of letting her mother in on the sad news.
With nowhere else to go from there, we return to the subject of Barry
Horowitz, and how Skip is possibly going to cope with the humiliation.
Lawler says he doesn't know what he would do. I suggest he wrestle
Horowitz and then find out. From there we go on to how Jerry was
apparently born with a crown on his head (now *that* would be labor
pain!) Helmsley with the smooth duck of Hardy's otherwise spectacular
backflip, and finally ending this tortured discussion with the
Pedigree. Again the crowd reacts in that... amazing manner.
Todd Pettengill, poor and proud of it, with your In Your House report.
They gave away a house at the last In Your House. Who knows what's
going to happen this time? My guess is... they won't give away a
house. Diesel/Sid, with a generous helping of lumberjacks, the rest of
which we get to meet next week. Michaels/Jarrett. Pettengill doesn't
want to be impressed by Jarrett's video, but hasn't figured out a way
around it yet. Don't worry, Todd, you'll find a way pretty soon. The
tag championship. And the new match, Razor/Savio vs. MOM. A few shots
of Mabel destroying Razor to whet the appetite. And one more: Bam Bam
Bigelow vs. Henry O. God (You Devil) winn.
-- ad break --
Next week: It's Shawn's turn again to take a shot at the corporation,
and Michaels has drawn IRS's name out of the hat this time. Voila,
instant main event.
Tatanka and Henry Godwinn (w/DiBiase) vs. Lex Luger and Davey Boy Smith
After a quick nod to the 900 line, which has nothing better than the
"Beat Shawn Michaels" (once "Beat the Hulkster") game, we are set to
go, and Tatanka and Godwinn see no reason to waste any time and so go
right to work. Luger breaks loose from Tatanka long enough to remove
his jacket, while Davey Boy eliminates Godwinn from the Rumble with a
clothesline, while Lex hits a clothesline of his own in the middle of
the ring. Lex tries to come off the ropes for another swipe at
Tatanka, but accidentally bumps Godwinn, who was trying to get back in,
and while Lex yells at him, Tatanka kicks him in the gut and gives him
a DDT. Tatanka does not cover, though, as he isn't quite sure the
match has officially begun yet. With Smith and Godwinn safely outside,
though, that seems like a pretty safe assumption, and so Tatanka starts
into his act, which largely involving tap dancing on Luger's back.
Tatanka gets distracted by the crowd, and thoughtlessly leaves his foot
on Luger's throat for a few moments. Pulling Luger up into the corner,
he fires a few of his standard issue backhand chops. Luger crumbles,
then, while Tatanka looks for a place to strike at next, Luger
unexpectedly rebounds with a gut kick and a couple of punches, but one
in response swings the momentum Tatanka's way again. Tatanka tries a
cross-corner whip, which had potential for the full six inches, but Lex
bounced off the turnbuckles and took most of the momentum with him
right over onto his face. McMahon, still recovering from that bout of
flashbacks, discusses last year's SummerSlam, where this whole feud
started, at which point Tatanka interrupts this by tagging in Godwinn
by slamming Lex's head into Henry's foot. Godwinn starts proceedings
with a body slam, a knee drop, and a cover for 2. Having basically
equaled Tatanka's total output during the first part of the match,
Godwinn tags the Native American back in, in order to perform the
double elbow on him. Godwinn steps out, and Tatanka decides belatedly
to cover for 2. Luger seems to want to tag in the Bulldog, so Tatanka
tags the Bulldog for him. The Bulldog tries to enter, of course, and
Godwinn does not miss his cue for the obligatory double-team that
results. Not only that, but Godwinn is back outside before Smith is
done distracting the referee. That's a lot slicker than most heels
are, and maybe that's what is drawing DiBiase's attention to him.
Tatanka with another foot choke, well, we know how this goes, so let's
break right now.
-- ad break --
Tatanka's trying to pull Luger up, but Luger uncooperatively punches
him in the gut, so maybe it hasn't been as one-sided as all that. A
couple more punches, a whip, Luger ducks... Tatanka kicks. Another
chance to tag goes by the boards. While Tatanka tags in Godwinn in
preparation for a double clothesline, Lawler promises a continuation of
his office visit with Isaac Yankem, D. D. S., in the middle of a "tough
day at the orifice" (b'dum-ching). The referee is so pre-occupied with
escorting Tatanka out that he totally misses the fact that Godwinn has
covered Luger, and so Luger again escapes at 2. Whip, elbow, 2. Luger
stretches out to tag in...Tatanka? and Godwinn tries to straighten him
out by way of performing a little amateur dentistry to Luger before
giving up and body slamming him. Bill Clinton, who was in Nashville
recently, perhaps buying up some tickets to IYH as freebies for
lobbyists, also delivered a talk on the harmful effects of... missing
an elbow drop, as Godwinn just did. Since the race to tag is so
predictable at this point, McMahon fills in the time by stating that
the WWF has really, amazingly high standards when it comes to family
entertainment (especially the diseased feet, severed heads, and
authentic slop buckets), and is in fact way above the standard for
professional wrestling in general! Words, for once, fail me, and it's
just as well that at this point the Bulldog starts his flat afire
routine, only Godwinn obstinately refused to participate, so Davey Boy
can only get partial credit. Smith sends Tatanka into the corner,
Tatanka tries to flip over him, but can't quite get the clearance, and
thusly lands right on Davey Boy's right shoulder. The Bulldog couldn't
have asked for a better setup, it would seem, but Tatanka has a death
grip on the top rope, and Davey Boy's efforts to pull Tatanka loose end
up pulling the Native American right on top of him for a pinfall! Only
a two-count, though, and Tatanka gets back into it. A couple of
punches, a whip, Tatanka ducks, and Davey Boy knows what to do. It
would be a half-hour slam, but we're really short of time, so it gets
cut to a two-second slam. Smith covers, Tatanka kicks out at two,
Godwinn enters, way too late to make a save, and Luger trips him up
before he gets into the action anyway. The Bulldog, seeing his chance
to make up the missing part of his house afire routine dropkicks
Godwinn out of the ring, then for reasons I'm sure he'll be happy to
talk about later, goes straight to the same spot he just dumped Godwinn
through for a bounce off the ropes. Totally unexpectedly, Godwinn is
still there, and does what comes naturally. Tatanka looks over the
worn-down Bulldog, decides a kick to the gut and a scoop-and-slam are
what he needs, and then goes to the top turnbuckle to finish matters
off. A slight error in judgment, as Davey Boy is up and about long
before Tatanka is in position, and neatly plucks him off the top
turnbuckle, walks over to the other side, and completes the power slam.
1, 2, 3. Godwinn, once again, is way, way too late to make a save.
-- promotional considerations --
-- ad break --
Next week: Owen and Yoko (the tag champs, in case you've forgotten),
Diesel with a rebuttal to Sid's 21-word outburst from this week,
Jean-Pierre LaFitte, and in the main event, Michaels vs. I.R.S.
For a man with the breath he has, Lawler sure talks a lot. Yankem and
his patient ignore his ramblings, until Lawler finally asks the patient
who her favorite WWF superstars are. Amazingly, she is able to reply,
which casts a little doubt on Yankem's abilities. Named are the British
Beagle (I kid you not!), Razor Ramon, and, oh yes, Bret Hart. Yankem
suddenly spots a couple more places where this patient badly needs a
-- Kevin J. Podsiadlik