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Quin Snyder proposes Equal Compliment Resolution

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ST. LOUIS SPECIAL EDITION

Well known personalities from St. Louis offer this take on Missouri athletics...


Commentary: Missouri Basketball Program in Shambles
by Bernie Miklasz

Normally I don't pay much attention to the Missouri basketball program. Frankly, I don't have time. Between my radio show, my tv appearances, my newspaper gig and the 15 hours per day I spend sending out condescending email, my plate is full. Granted, no full plate is safe around me, but when I heard Quin Snyder blasting Jimmy McKinney on the radio the other day, I had to put the fork down and pound out this column.

To recap, Quin Snyder said Linas Kleiza is a great pickup for Mizzou. To further recap, you need to understand that St. Louisans view the world in finite terms. If you love Mizzou, you must hate SLU. If you love Norm, you hate Quin, etc. So when Quin says Kleiza's a great pickup, what he really means is McKinney's a terrible pickup. Therefore, Mizzou's basketball program is in shambles.

McKinney's not a terrible pickup, in my view. I think he's a solid player. Why Quin is out there blasting him is beyond me, but I'm assuming it's about me. It usually is. And before you yahoos email me, you should look in the mirror and ask yourself why you don't like me. It's probably because you're a yahoo, and yahoos think yahoo thoughts.

So to summarize, McKinney's good, Quin's bad, you're a yahoo, if you disagree with me, you don't like me.

Cheers!

Bernie

Quin Snyder is a Racist?
by Demetrius Johnson

Hi, I'm Demetrius Johnson. I used to play for the Missouri Tigers. Back then, I would smash opposing players with utter anger. Now, I'm a sensitive man. So sensitive, I can turn the simplest statement into verbal Armageddon. Here's how it works:

Quin: Kleiza is a good player

Now apply what I call the St. Louis Atomic Twist: Kleiza is a good player=>McKinney is a bad player=>Since Kleiza is white, McKinney is a bad player because he's black=>Quin is a racist.

Now, I'm not saying Quin is a racist, I'm just going to talk about it, speculate and raise the issue ad nauseum until it morphs into reality. Despite the fact that Quin has put an almost all-black team on the floor every year he's been at Mizzou and despite the fact that Quin has almost exclusively recruited black players, I'm just sitting here wondering what he could have meant by paying Linas Kleiza a compliment.

How fair is it for Quin to pay Kleiza a compliment when there are black players out there uncomplimented? That's all I'm wondering.


Possible Rules Infractions at Mizzou
by Vahe Gregorian

I don't have specifics, but here are stories I'm working on, fyi:

  • Quin Snyder ate my children
  • Quin Snyder is my child
  • Quin Snyder ate his children
  • Quin Snyder eats off the children's menu
  • Quin Snyder wants to be a dentist


Speculation Destroys Mizzou's Reputation
by Bryan Burwell

A roll of the eyes, a shrug of the shoulders...

Recently I had breakfast with the St. Louis media mafia. The topics were the usual: Marshall Faulk could slap around Mother Teresa's rotting corpse and it'd be cool. Leonard Little could kill someone and we'd cheer for him, etc. But the insidious nature of Quin Snyder's basketball program has us truly alarmed.

After we prayed to St. Louis, patron saint of cliques and agendas, we went around the table and shared Quin Snyder stories. "He says 'yeah' instead of 'yes'," offered Frank Cusamano. "I find that disrespectful."

"He's skinny," said Bernie Miklasz. "I find that insensitive to the horizontally enhanced."

"He has hair," says newly joined Bill Self. "Real hair."

Then there's the Jason Conley scandal that, although amounted to nothing, had scandal written all over it. If it weren't a scandal, why would we run it on the front page?

Then there's the Ricky Clemons course work scandal. Sure, the NCAA says he's completely within the rules, but whose rules are those? The NCAA's, that's who. Self serving? I think so.

Then there's just that beady-eyed caffeine juiced look in his eyes. Scandal. In fact, if you remove some letters from the word 'scandal', it spells 'snd', which may be code for Snyder.

The conclusion from all of this evidence? To be fair, I must let you draw your own conclusion, which I know you can do, can't we all?


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