The Dead Parrot Sketch

                    The Pet Shoppe

A customer enters a pet shop.

Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.

(The owner does not respond.)

C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C:  I'm sorry, I have a cold.  I wish to make a 
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad.  I wish to complain about 
   this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago 
   from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's 
   wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, 
   that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and 
   I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'!  Remarkable bird, 
   the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay?  Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it.  It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no!  'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
   (shouting at the cage)
   'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot!  I've got a lovely fresh cuttle 
   fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!!
   Testing! Testing!  Testing!  Testing!  This is your nine 
   o'clock alarm call!

(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the 
counter.  Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to 
the floor.)

C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
O: Yeah!  You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up!  
   Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
C: look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough 
   of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I 
   purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its 
   total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged 
   out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!?  What kind of talk is that?, 
   look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im 
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers kippin' on it's back!  Remarkable 
   bird, id'nit, squire?  Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I 
   got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had 
   been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had
   been NAILED there.


O: Well, o'course it was nailed there!  If I hadn't nailed that 
   bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em 
   apart with its beak, and VOOM!  Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!?  Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four 
   million volts through it!  'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no!  'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'!  'E's passed on!  This parrot is no more!  
   He has ceased to be!  'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!
   'E's a stiff!  Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace!  If you 
   hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies!
   'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory!  'E's off the twig!  
   'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run
   down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!!


O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O:  Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, 
    and uh, we're right out of parrots.
C: I see.  I see, I get the picture.
O:  I got a slug.


C: (sweet as sugar) Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
O: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll 
   replace the parrot for you.
C: Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop.  The owner is putting on a 
false moustache.

C: This is Bolton, is it?
O: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.
C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.
C: I beg your pardon...?
A: I'm a qualified brain surgeon!  I only do this job because I 
   like being my own boss!
C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?
A: Yeah, well it's not easy to pad these python files out to 
   200 lines, you know.
C: Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found
   myself deposited here in Ipswitch.
A: No, this is Bolton.
C: (to the camera) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!
A: Can't blame British Rail for that.
C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

He does.

C: I understand this IS Bolton.
O: (still with the fake mustache) Yes?
C: You told me it was Ipswitch!
O: ...It was a pun.
C: (pause) A PUN?!?
O: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same 
   backwards as forwards?
C: (Long pause)  A palindrome...?
O: Yeah, that's it!
C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be 
   "Notlob"!!  It don't work!!
O: Well, what do you want?
C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as 
   I think this is getting too silly!

Sergeant-Major: Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too