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Let 'em Eat Cake
Music: George Gershwin
Lyrics: Ira Gershwin
Book: George S. Kaufman + Morrie Ryskind
Premiere: Saturday, October 21, 1933
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1. OVERTURE
[ORCHESTRA]

ACT I

2. WINTERGREEN FOR PRESIDENT

CAMPAIGNERS:
Ah---, Ah---
Wintergreen for President!
Wintergreen for President!
Give the man a second chance!
He has given us romance!
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta.
Wintergreen for President!
Wintergreen for President!
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta!
Ta ta ta.
Wintergreen for President!
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta!
Wintergreen for President!
Ah---, Ah---
Ah---, Ah---
Ah---, Ah---
Ah---, Ah---
He's the man the people choose;
Loves the Irish and the Jews.
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta,
Ta ta ta ta ta ta!
Of thee we sing baby,
Wintergreen, you have that thing, baby!
Shining star and inspiration,
Once again you'll rule the nation-
Of thee we sing!

[WINTERGREEN PARADE EXITS, AND TWEEDLEDEE PARADE ENTERS]

Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!

Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
He's O.K.
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
Leads the way.
"T" "W"
double "E" "D" "L" "E"
"D" double "E"-
That spells "Tweedledee."
Ra ta ta ta ta ta ta ta
Ra ta ra ta ta ta-
Yes, sir!

Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
He has guts!
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
He's the nuts
Ra ta ta ta ta ta ta
Ra ta ta ta ta.
Yankee Doodle needs that noodle.
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
Ay!
Ra ta ra ta ta ta
Ta ta ta ta
Ra ta ta ta ta.
Yankee deedle-eedle
Tweedledee,
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
Leads the way.
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
He's O.K.
He's the man the country seeks"!
Loves the Turks and Greeks!*
Ta ta ta!
Ta ta ta!
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta.
Tweedledee, Tweedledee, ay!

[*ALTERNATE VERSION OF THIS LINE :
Loves the wops and Greeks.]

TWEEDLEDEEITES:
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
Leads the way.
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
He's O.K.
"T" "W"
double "E" "D" "L" "E"
"D" double "E"-
That spells "Tweedledee."
Ra ta ta ta ta ta ta ta
Ra ta ra ta ta ta
Yes, sir!

Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
He has guts!
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
He's the nuts
Ra ta ta ta ta ta
Ra ta ta ta ta.
Yankee Doodle needs that noodle.
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
Ay!
Ra ta ta ta ta ta
Ta ta ta ta
Ra ta ta ta ta.

WINTERGREENERS:
Wintergreen for President!
Wintergreen for President!
He's the man the people choose;
Loves the Irish and the Jews!
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta.
Wintergreen for President!
Wintergreen for President!
Ta ta ta! Ta ta ta!
Wintergreen for President!
Ta ta ta ta ta ta.
Wintergreen for President!

TWEEDLEDEEITES:
Yankee deedle-eedle for Tweedledee.
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
Leads the way.
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
He's O.K.
He's the man the country seeks"!
Loves the Turks and Greeks!
Ta ta ta ta ta ta!
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta.
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
We want Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
"T" "W"
double "E" "D" "L" "E"
"D" double "E"-
Ah, ah, ah!
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
This for Wintergreen!

[RAZZ]

Tweedledee!

WINTERGREENERS:
Ah---, Ah---
He's the man the people choose;
Loves the Irish and the Jews!
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta.
Ta ta ta ta ta ta
Ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta!
Wintergreen for President!
Wintergreen for President!
Ah!
Wintergreen for President!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Wintergreen for President!
Wintergreen for President!
This for Tweedledee!

[RAZZ]

Wintergreen!

[THEY EXIT SINGING]

TWEEDLEDEEITES:
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
He has guts!
Tweedledee! Tweedledee!
He's the nuts
Ah!---


WINTERGREENERS:
Wintergreen for President!
Wintergreen for President!
Ah!---
Wintergreen for President!
Ah!---

3. UNION SQUARE
And DOWN WITH EVERYONE WHO'S UP

UNION SQUARE
ENSEMBLE:
Our hearts are in communion
When we gather down on Union
Square, heigh ho!
When whiskers are unshaven,
One can always find a haven
There, heigh ho!
Though some may prefer the charming Bronnix,
Though some sing of dainty Sutton Place,
'Tis here we discover all the tonics
That cure all the problems of the race.
Uh, on boxes they put soap in,
How we love it in the open
Air, heigh ho!
We may not fill our stomics,
But we're full of economics
Down on Union Square!
Down here on Union Square!

[AGITATORS, LED BY KRUGER, MARCH ON. THEIR TONE IS SHARPER,
AND GROWS MORE STRIDENT AS THE NUMBER CONTINUES]

DOWN WITH EVERYONE WHO'S UP
KRUGER:
Conditions as they are cannot go very far;
The world must move and we are here to move it!
The Brotherhood of Man
Is crying for a plan;
So here's my plan-I know you can't improve it!

ALL:
Conditions as they are cannot go very far;
So, listen to his plan
For Man!

[SOFTLY]
Down, down, down, down,
Down, down, down, down,

KRUGER:
Down with one and one make two!
Down with ev'rything in view!
Down with all majorities;
Likewise all minorities!
Down with you and you and you!

ALL:
Down with one and one make three!
Down with all of us, says he.*

[*ALTERNATE VERSION OF THIS LINE:
Down with ev'rything, says he.]

KRUGER:
Somehow I abominate
Anything you nominate!

ALL:
Ev'rything from A, B, C to X, Y, Z!

KRUGER:
That's the torch we're going to get the flame from!
If you don't like it, why don't you go back where you came from?

ALL:
If you don't like it, why don't you go back where you came from!
If you don't like it, why don't you go back where you came from!

KRUGER:
Let's tear down the House of Morgan!

ALL:
House of Morgan!

KRUGER:
Let's burn up the Roxy organ!

ALL:
Roxy organ!

KRUGER:
Down with Curry and McCooey!*

ALL:
And McCooey!

[*ORIGINAL VERSION OF THIS AND THE NEXT LINE:
Down with Senators named Huey!
ALL: Down with Huey!]

KRUGER:
Down with chow mein and chop suey!

ALL:
And chop suey!

KRUGER:
Down with music by Stravinsky!

ALL:
By Stravinsky!

KRUGER:
Down with shows except by Minsky!

ALL:
Up with Minsky!

KRUGER:
Happiness will fill our cup
When it's "Down with ev'rything that's up!"

ALL:
When it's "Down with ev'rything that's up!"

KRUGER:
Down with books by Dostoyevsky!

ALL:
Dostoyevsky!

KRUGER:
Down with Boris Thomashefsky!

ALL:
Thomashefsky!

KRUGER:
Down with Balzac! Down with Zola!

ALL:
Down with Zola!

KRUGER:
Down with pianists who play "Nola"!

[ENTIRE STAGE DANCES TO "NOLA"]

KRUGER:
Down with all the upper classes!

ALL:
Upper classes!

KRUGER:
Might as well include the masses!
'Clude the masses.

KRUGER:
Happiness will fill our cup
When it's "Down with ev'ryone who's up!"

ALL:
When it's "Down with ev'ryone who's up!"

KRUGER:
So down with this! And down with that!
And down with ev'rything in view!
The hell with this! The hell with that!
The hell with you and you and you!

ONE HALF OF THE MOB:
The hell with who?

KRUGER:
The hell with you!

OTHER HALF OF THE MOB:
The hell with whom?

KRUGER:
The hell with youm!

ALL:
The hell with you and you and you!

[ALL SQUARE OFF. A FREE-FOR-ALL FOLLOWS. THEY ARE STRUGGLING ON THE
FLOOR WHEN A POLICEMAN ENTERS, BLOWS WHISTLE. THEY GET UP, FLICK OFF
THE DUST. ALL, INCLUDING THE POLICEMEN, SAUNTER OFF, ZINGING:]

ENSEMBLE:
Our hearts are in communion
When we gather down on Union
Square, heigh ho!
When whiskers are unshaven,
One can always find a haven
There, heigh ho!
Though some may prefer the charming Bronnix,
Though some sing of dainty Sutton Place,
'Tis here we discover all the tonics
That cure all the problems of the race.
Oh, on boxes they put soap in,
How we love it in the open air, heigh ho!
We may not fill our stomics,
But we're full of economics
Down on Union Square!
Down here on Union Square!

4. STORE SCENE including:
SHIRTS BY THE MILLIONS
And COMES THE REVOLUTION
and MINE

SHIRTS BY THE MILLIONS

WIVES:
Orders, orders, orders by the thousands!
Ev'rybody's buying, buying till it hurts;
From Maine to Oklahoma;
From Trenton to Tacoma
The country's growing conscious of our shirts!

GIRLS:
The country's growing conscious of our shirts!

WIVES:
Thank you, thank you, thank you, darling public!
For a time, the bus'ness took it on the chin;
But now civilians
Are buying shirts by the millions-
Good God! How the money rolls in!
Good God! How the money rolls in!

[WIVES LOOK AT WRIST WATCHES]

And now it's time to open up the store;
Our clientele is clam'ring at the door.

[MEN MARCH ON]

MEN:
Good morning!

GIRLS:
How do you do?

MEN:
We're here to try and maybe buy the Shirt of Blue.

GIRLS:
[TO AUDIENCE]
Bus'ness is booming, as you see.

MEN:
We've read you sell a shirt as cheap as dirt.

GIRLS:
We only charge a dollar.

MEN:
You only charge a dollar!
Does it include the collar?

GIRLS:
Yes! Size, please?

[MEN MAKE GESTURE OF REFUSAL]
What is it now?

MEN:
Oh my, oh my, we'd like to buy, but, lady, oh-

GIRLS:
This is a shirt to set your hearts aglow!

MEN:
This shirt looks very nice, but it's the price-
Today a dollar is a helluva lot of dough!

GIRLS:
Oh!

MEN:
Dough!

GIRLS:
Oh! With ev'ry shirt, please understand,
You're getting a revolution;
You're really helping out your land
With a dollar contribution.

MEN:
Great! Great! That's diff'rent!*
A dollar a shirt is cheap as dirt
When you're getting a revolution;
We're tickled we came to light the flame
With a dollar contribution.

[*ALTERNATE VERSION OF THIS LINE:
Great! Great! That's wonderful!]

[DANCE]

TWO GIRLS:
Ladies, ladies, the floorwalker is coming!
A man we all acclaim-
Alexander What's-his-name?

[THROTTLEBOTTOM ENTERS JAUNTILY]

COMES THE REVOLUTION

THROTTLE:
Comes the Revolution,
Ev'rything is jake.
Comes the Revolution
We'll be eating cake.
Skies above are growing bright and clear;
Happy days will soon be here.
The butcher and the baker-
Undertaker, too-
Thank their Lord and Maker
For the Shirt of Blue,
Comes the Revolution all is jake,
And soon we'll be eating cake.

ENSEMBLE:
Comes the Revolution,
Ev'rything is jake.
Comes the Revolution
We'll be eating cake.

THROTTLE:
When the streets and rivers run with red,
I'll be underneath the bed!
And after all their capers
Put the foe to rout,
I will read the papers
To see how we came out!

[THROTTLEBOTTOM GETS IN THE WAY OF THE SINGERS AND IS SHOVED OFF]

ENSEMBLE:
Comes the Revolution all is jake,
And soon we'll be eating cake.

[MARY AND WINTERGREEN ENTER]
MARY AND WINTERGREEN:
Good morning!

ENSEMBLE:
How do you do?

GIRLS:
[TO MEN]
This is the team
Who dreamed a dream
And made it true!

MEN:
Wonderful thing-the Shirt of Blue!

MARY AND WINTERGREEN:
Say we had no other choice;
We heard the Voice!
We heard a nation calling-
Calling to us to save 'em!
This is the thing we gave ''em!

ENSEMBLE:
Hooray! Hooray!
Wintergreen again will save the day!

MINE

WINTERGREEN:
My good friends, don't praise "me"!
I owe it all to the little woman-
This little woman, my little woman-

ENSEMBLE:
"His" little woman!

WINTERGREEN:
She's the reason for my success.
Why, when I think how we suffered together-

MARY:
Worried together, struggled together-

WINTERGREEN:
Stood together together!
I grow so sentimental, I'm afraid
I've got to burst into song.

ENSEMBLE:
Please do!
We'd love to know how you feel about her
And how she feels about you.

WINTERGREEN:
Mine, love is mine,
Whether it rain or storm or shine.

MARY:
Mine, you are mine,
Never another valentine.

MARY AND WINTERGREEN:
And I am yours,
Tell me that I'm yours,
Show me that smile my heart adores,
Mine, more than divine
To know that love like yours is mine!

[ENSEMBLE SINGS AS WINTERGREEN AND MARY REPEAT "MINE" SOFTLY]

ENSEMBLE:
The point they're making in the song
Is that they more than get along;
And he is not ashamed to say
She made him what he is today.

It does a person good to see
Such happy domesticity;
The way they're making love, you'd swear*
They're not a married pair.

[*ORIGINAL VERSION OF THIS VERSE AND THE NEXT LINE:
For, after all is said and done,
For four years they've been one.]

He says, no matter what occurs,
Whatever he may have is hers;
The point that "she" is making is
Whatever "she" may have is his.

ALL:
Mine, more than divine
To know that love like yours is mine!
Mine, more than divine
To know the Shirt of Blue is mine!

[BOTH MELODIES ARE SUN TOGETHER. AT CONCLUSION,
MEN PICK UP BLUE SHIRTS, HOLD THEM HIGH, AS ALL SING:]

CLIMB UP THE SOCIAL LADDER

MARY:
Though we have the gentility
And respectability.
Though you have a social charm that passes-
Girls, what are you but the middle classes?

GIRLS:
Sez. you!

WIVES:
It's true!

MARY:
Let's cut out formality,
Get down to reality.
You're the kind the upper class looks down on;
You're the sort Park Avenue will frown on;

GIRLS:
Sez. you!

WIVES:
It's true!

MARY AND WIVES:
Ladies, if you would advance
Socially, then here's your chance.

WIVES:
Here's your chance to make a tie-up
Guaranteed to place you high up.

MARY:
All you have to do
Is buy a Blouse of Blue,
And you become a member of the new D.A.R.

WIVES:
The Second Revolution and the Blue D.A.R.

GIRLS:
Purchasing a blouse, you say, it's vital?

MARY:
Ladies, it's like marrying a title!

WIVES:
There's no one in the land can rise as far
As member of the Second D.A.R.

MARY:
Climb up the social ladder!
Join the Second D.A.R.
What makes a woman gladder
Than to be a social star?
You'll be snubbing all the Abbots
And all the Cabots
And other Boston Babbitts!
You're high up on the ladder
When you join the new Blue D.A.R.!

ALL:
We're on the social ladder
In the Second D.A.R.!
Each member's heart is gladder
Now that she's a social Star!
We'll be snubbing all the Abbots
And all the Cabots
And other Boston Babbitts!
We're high up on the ladder
Now that we're the new Blue D.A.R.!

5. THE UNION LEAGUE
And COMES THE REVOLUTION (REPRISE)

THE UNION LEAGUE

MEMBERS:
We are members;
Our fathers were members;
Their fathers were members;
Our great-great-great-great-great-
Great-great-grandfathers were members
Of the Union League,
Of the U-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-union League!

Cloistered from the noisy city,
Standing pat and sitting pretty,
We are they who represent
Safety first and five percent.

ATTENDANTS:
Safety first and five percent!

MEMBERS:
When we wake, which is infrequent,
We keep wond'ring where last week went,
Then back to our chairs we creep,
And we go right back to sleep.

ATTENDANTS:
And they go right back to sleep!

MEMBERS:
"Don't swap horses in a river!"
"Watch your kidneys-
Watch your liver!"

That's the essence of our lives-
That, and New York Central Fives!

ATTENDANTS:
That, and New York Central-

ALL:
That, and New York Central Fives!

MEMBERS:
Action would be suicidal.
Rip Van Winkle is our idol.
He's the one man does intrigue

ALL:
The members of the U-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-u-union League!
We are members;
Our fathers were members;
Their fathers were members;
Our great-great-great-great-great-
Great-great-grandfathers were members
Of the Union League,
[MEMBERS FALL ASLEEP]

COMES THE REVOLUTION (REPRISE)

MEMBERS:
Comes the revolution,
Ev'rything is jake!
Comes the revolution,
We'll be eating cake!
We are ready-Take us at our word!
We'll show up that George the Third!
Protecting our possessions,
We'll stir up a fuss!
The British and the Hessians
Won't get far with us!
Comes the revolution, all is jake,
And soon we'll be eating cake!

6. ON AND ON AND ON

BLUE SHITS:
Left! Right! Left! Right!
Left! Right! Left! Right!
Marching, marching all the time.
Hep! Hep! Hep! Hep!
Through ev'ry kind of scenery and-
Hep! Hep!
Through ev'ry kind of clime.
Marching, marching, marching for a dream.
We sing as we go marching
And we've got a marching theme!
The theme is one that ev'ry army sings
On its way to conquer cabbages and kings!
"On and on and on!"

On and on and on!
Hither and thither and yon!
It seems to be the thing
For marching men to sing:
"On and on and on!"
So-
On and on and on!
Hither and thither and yon!
For movements military,
There is no itinerary
Like
"On and on and on!"
On and on and on!

On and on and on!
Hither and thither and yon!
It seems to be the thing
For marching men to sing:
"On and on and on!"
So-
On and on and on!
Hither and thither and yon!
For movements military,
There is no itinerary
Like
"On and on and on!"
On and on and on!

[ADDITIONAL REFRAIN (UNUSED)]

On and on and on!
Hither and thither and yon!
No matter what the time
Or scenery or clime!
"On and on and on!"
So-
On and on and on!
Crossing that ole Rubicon.
No sooner do we get there,
Than again this chansonnette there:
"On and on and on!"
On and on and on!

7. FINALE, ACT I
Including: I'VE BRUSHED MY TEETH
And THE DOUBLE DUMMY DRILL
And ON AND ON AND ON (REPRISE)
And THE GENERAL'S GONE TO A PARTY
And ALL THE MOTHERS OF THE NATION
And YES, HE'S A BACHELOR
And THERE'S SOMETHING WE'RE WORRIED ABOUT
And WHAT'S THE PROLETARIAT?
And LET 'EM EAT CAKE


[IN FRONT OF THE WHITE HOUSE]

I'VE BRUSHED MY TEETH

4 DIGNITARIES:
Tonight, July the fourth
Nineteen hundred and um-tee-um,
is the one hundred and
Um-tee-umth birthday
Of our grand and glorious nation.
We celebrate it with the following program:
Part A- General Snookfield will review his troops in person;
Part P- President Tweedledee will make an address,
After which finger bowls will be served.
General Snookfield, are you ready?

GENERAL:
Yes.
I've brushed my teeth, and I've washed my face,
And I've had a fine shampoo;
What more can a general do
When his troops are on review?

4 DIGNITARIES:
He's combed his hair, and he's had a shave,
And his underwear is new;
What more, what more, what more can a general do
When his troops are on review-
When his troops are on review?
[GENERAL SNOOKFIELD MARCHES TO THE REVIEWING STAND.
THE U.S. ARMY ENTERS AND PERFORMS A MILITARY DRILL]

THE DOUBLE DUMMY DRILL
[INSTRUMENTAL]
[BUGLER ENTERS, THEN BLUE-SHIRTED ARMY]

ON AND ON AND ON (REPRISE)
BLUE SHIRTS:
[APPROACHING FROM OFF STAGE]

On and on and on!
Hither and thither- and yon!
It seems to be the thing
For marching men to sing:
"On and on and on!"
So-
On and on and on!
Hither and thither and yon!
For movements military,
There is no itinerary
Like
"On and on and on!"
On and on and on!

THE GENERAL'S GONE TO A PARTY

TWEEDLEDEE:
What's this? What is this? What's this?*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[*ALTERNATE (SCRIPT) VERSION OF BEGINNING OF THIS SECTION]

TWEEDLEDEE:
What's this? What is this? What's this?

WINTERGREEN:
John P. Tweedledee, I call upon you
to surrender the government of these United States!

TWEEDLEDEE:
By whose authority?

WINTERGREEN:
By the authority of the American people!

TWEEDLEDEE:
We'll see about that.

WINTERGREEN:
All right- we'll see. Where's General Snookfield?

TWEEDLEDEE:
Oh! So you were counting on the General, were you?
[LAUGHS]

WINTERGREEN:
What's funny about that?

TWEEDLEDEE:
I have a surprise
In store for you-
The General's gone to e party.

WINTERGREEN:
The General's gone to a party?

BLUE SHIRTS:
The General's gone to a party?

TWEEDLEDEE:
That's my surprise for you,
And all your Shirts of Blue.

WINTERGREEN:
Alackaday, Alackaday,
The General has been called away.

BLUE SHIRTS:
Adayalack, Adayalack,
Oh, what'll we do till he gets back?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WINTERGREEN:
John P. Tweedledee, I call upon you to surrender the
government of these United States.

TWEEDLEDEE:
By whose authority?

WINTERGREEN:
By the only real authority! The authority of the American people.

TWEEDLEDEE:
We'll see about that! General arrest this man!

WINTERGREEN:
General, arrest this man!

TWEEDLEDEE:
Where's the General?

WINTERGREEN:
Yes, where's the General? Have you seen the General?

TWEEDLEDEE:
He was here a minute ago.

BOTH: General Snookfield!

[LIEUTENANT STEPS UP]

LIEUTENANT:
I have a report
To make. In short:
The General's gone to a party!

WINTERGREEN AND TWEEDLEDEE:
The General's gone to a party!

ARMY:
The General's gone to a party?

LIEUTENANT:
That's my report,
In short.

ARMY:
We all approve
The General's move
If the lady is young and hearty.

LIEUTENANT:
I'm positive she is hearty;
The general likes 'em tarty!

ARMY:
Then we approve
His move.

ALL MEN:
We "all" approve
His move.

WINTERGREEN AND TWEEDLEDEE:
Alackaday! Alackaday!
The General has been called away!

ALL:
Adayalack, Adayalack!
Oh, what'll they do till he gets back?

WINTERGREEN AND TWEEDLEDEE:
Now, what's to be suggested?
Now, what in the world to do?
For you want me arrested,
And that's what I want for you!
[BOTH CLAP HANDS. THEY'VE GOT IT]
Let's leave it to the Army!
[ASIDE]
(I know they're on my side.)
[ALOUD]
And by their decision
We'll abide.

ARMY:
[WORRIED]
The General now may be in bed.
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
We agreed to do what the General said,
But the General isn't here!

WINTERGREEN:
I know the General isn't here.
So it's "you" who must decide!
Think it over! Who's the boss to be?
Tweedledee or me?

[MARY RUSHES ON]

MARY:
Soldiers, oh, soldiers, why should you think twice?
Are you men or mice?

ALL THE MOTHERS OF THE NATION

MARY:
All the mothers of the nation
Can tell you who your leader ought to be;
Ev'ry female heart will tremble with elation,
My soldiers, if you choose the man who married me-
A man who is a husband,
The father of two children-
And not that other man who is a bach'lor!
A selfish, old bach'lor, he!

MARY, WIVES AND GIRLS:
All the mothers of the nation
Can tell you who your leader ought to be;
Ev'ry female heart will tremble with elation,
Oh, (my) soldiers, if you choose (my) her man.
And not that other man who is a bach'lor!
A selfish, old bach'lor, he!

YES, HE'S A BACHELOR

WINTERGREEN:
Yes, he's a bachelor
His father was a bach'lor:
"His" father was a bach'lor-

BLUE SHIRTS:
His great-great-great-great-
Great-great-great-grandfather
Was a bach'lor in the-

LIEUTENANT:
Stop! The fam'ly tree, air,
The genealogy, sir,
Of President Tweedledee, sir,
Does not int'rest me!

SOLDIERS:
[VARIOUSLY, DOWN THE LINE]
Or me! Or me! Or me! Or me!

TWEEDLEDEE:
Or me!

THERE'S SOMETHING WE'RE WORRIED ABOUT

LIEUTENANT:
But-there's something we're worried about!
There's something we're worried about!
Before we go
Ahead with the show,
There's something we'd like to find out!

ARMY:
There's something we've got to discuss!

WOMEN:
There's something they've got to discuss!

ARMY:
The man we name
Gets fortune and fame,
Put what is there in it for us?
Yes, what is there in it for us?

TWEEDLEDEE:
The question's a fair one, I say,
And I offer a dollar a day-
A dollar a day
Which I may not pay;
Still, the offer's a dollar a day.

ARMY:
A dollar a day isn't bad;
A dollar a day isn't bad;
A dollar a day
He may never pay;
Still, a dollar a day isn't bad.

WINTERGREEN:
[SPOKEN]
Wait a minute! I'll tell you what
"I'll" do!

[IN DIALOGUE, HE PROMISE, TO PAY THE WAR DEBTS OF THE ARMY
"IF WE COLLECT 'EM." THE ARMY DECLARES HIM DICTATOR. THEN:]

KRUGER:
[SINGS]
Down with Wintergreen the tyrant!

MARY:
He's no tyrant!

KRUGER:
He's the man against whom I rant!
[HE IS HUSTLED OFF]

WINTERGREEN:
John P. Tweedledee, you are now deposed as President of the United States,
and we hereby establish a dictatorship of the proletariat!

[ALL CHEER]

WHAT'S THE PROLETARIAT?

TWEEDLEDEE:
Wait a minute! what's the proletariat?

WINTERGREEN:
The pro-? Mary, what's the proletariat?

MARY:
[SINGS]
What's the proletariat?

WIVES:
What's the proletariat?

COMMITTEE:
What's the proletariat?
What's the proletariat?

ARMY:
We're the proletariat!
We're the proletariat!
And "you're" the proletariat!
You're the proletariat!
We're all the proletariat!

ALL:
All the proletariat!
All the proletariat!
All the proletariat!

LET 'EM EAT CAKE

WINTERGREEN:
Oh, comrades, you deserve your daily bread.
That's what I have always said!
But I'll go further-
You should have a break!
From now on you'll be eating cake!

ALL:
We've always wanted cake;
At last we get that break!

WINTERGREEN:
I'm asking payment on an ancient debt*
As promised by Marie Antoinette!

[*ALTERNATE VERSION OF THIS AND THE NEXT LINE:
With drums a-booming and our flag unfurled
This is what I'm telling the world:]

ALL:
Comrades, it is clear-
The millennium is here!

WINTERGREEN:
Let 'em eat cake!
The land of freedom
Is free once more!

ALL:
Rum tee um tee um tee ay!
Ra ta ta ta tee um tee ay!

WINTERGREEN:
Let 'em eat cake!
Let there be sunshine
From shore to shore!

ALL:
Rum tee um tee um tee ay!
Ra ta ta ta tee um tee ay!

WINTERGREEN:
Now is the time to be waking!
Come on, let's start!
Now is the time to be taking
Your part!
Let 'em eat cake!
Good times are coming;
The skies are clear!
Let it be known the whole world over:
The new day is here!

ALL:
Let 'em eat cake!
The land of freedom
Is free once more!

ALL:
Clear the way for better times!
Brother, begin to spend those dimes!

WINTERGREEN:
Let 'em eat cake!
Let there be sunshine
From shore to shore!

ALL:
Lend a hand! The party's on!
Open the door, the wolf is gone!

WINTERGREEN AND ENSEMBLE:
Now is the time to be waking!
Come on, let's start!
Now is the time to be taking
Your part!

Let 'em eat cake!
Good times are coming;
The skies are clear!

One for all and all for one!
Living has just begun!
Let it be known the whole world over-
The new day is here!

[CURTAIN]

ACT II

8. OPENING, ACT II
including BLUE, BLUE, BLUE
and WHO'S THE GREATEST

BLUE, BLUE, BLUE

WIVES:
It's off with the old, on with the new;
That's why we're painting the White House blue.

ALL:
It's off with the old, on with the new;
That's why we're painting the White House blue.

Blue, blue, blue-
Not pink or purple or yellow,
Not brown like Mr. Othello-
But blue, blue, blue!
The country clamored
For somebody new
And grew enamored
Of Wintergreen, who
Gave us blue, blue, blue-
Thc color heaven is painted;
What color could be more sainted
Than blue, blue, blue?
The U.S.A. is the blue S.A.
It's a dream come true!
[DANCE]

TWO GIRLS:
Comrades, comrades,
Wintergreen is coming!
To start the working day,
Wintergreen is on the way!

WHO'S THE GREATEST

ALL:
There is no one greater
On any scene
Than our Dictator-
Wintergreen!
[THIS IS SUNG IN THREE RHYTHMS]
[ENTER WINTERGREEN]

WINTERGREEN:
Saluta!

ALL:
Saluta!

WINTERGREEN:
Saluta!

ALL:
Saluta!

WINTERGREEN:
[SPOKEN]
How do you tike my new sword

ALL:
Wonderful, You Dictatorship!

WINTERGREEN:
And how do you like my new suit?

ALL:
Wonderful, Your Dictatorship!

WINTERGREEN:
And how do you like the new Dictatorship?

ALL:
Hooray, Your Dictatorship!

WINTERGREEN:
[SINGS]
Who's the greatest leader that the world has ever known?

ALL:
Napoléon?

WINTERGREEN:
Wrong!

ALL:
Wintergreen!

WINTERGREEN:
Right!
And who's the greatest statesman,
One who'll always stand alone?

ALL:
Disraeli?

WINTERGREEN:
Wrong!

ALL:
Wintergreen!

WINTERGREEN:
Right!
Who is ready to keep the foe at bay?
Fight like Teddy
And speak like Henry Clay?
Who has got a mind that works just like a brain machine?

ALL:
Who's the man you mean?
Nobody else but Wintergreen!

WINTERGREEN:
Who's the greatest dreamer but with two feet on the ground?

ALL:
Henry Ford?

WINTERGREEN:
Wrong!

ALL:
Wintergreen!

WINTERGREEN:
Right!
Who's the greatest horse's neck Historians have found?

ALL:
Wintergreen!

WINTERGREEN:
Wrong!
[STARTS TO UNSHEATH SWORD]

ALL:
Tweedledee!

WINTERGREEN:
Right!
What commander has only just begun?-
Alexander
And Caesar rolled in one!
Who's the man could muscle in
On Mr. Mussolin' ?

ALL:
You're the man you mean!
Nobody else but Wintergreen!

[ALL DANCE. MUCH SALUTING]

WINTERGREEN:
Who is always great or lousy-
Nothing in-between?

ALL:
Who's the man you mean?

WINTERGREEN:
Nobody else but Wintergreen!

9. LEAGUE OF NATIONS FINALE, including
NO COMPRENEZ, NO CAPISH, NO VERSTEH!
and WHY SPEAK OF MONEY?
And WHO'S THE GREATEST? (REPRISE)

MARY:
[SINGS]
Now that everybody's here ,
Welcome them, my dear!

WINTERGREEN:
The Dictator and Committee say initially
That they're very glad to welcome you officially.
[INTERPRETERS TURN TO LEAGUE MEMBERS]

INTERPRETERS:
They are telling all you gentlemen initially
That they're very glad to welcome you officially.

LEAGUE:
Tell your leader we appreciate his attitude
And present him with our compliments and gratitude.
[INTERPRETERS TURN TO WINTERGREEN]

INTERPRETERS:
They are saying they appreciate your attitude,
And they offer you their compliments and gratitude.
[CHINA STEPS OUT OF LINE]

CHINA:
Girls, don't bother translating anymore.
We find that we speak English, too.

ALL:
Isn't it wonderful that we all speak English?

WINTERGREEN:
Gentlemen, not only do I speak English,
But I talk "turkey"!
What about the war debts?

NO COMPRENEZ, NO CAPISH, NO VERSTEH!

LEAGUE:
No comprenez, no capish, no versteh!
We don't understand a single word you say!
It is very, very funny,
But each time you mention money-
No comprenez, no capish, no versteh!

[KRUGER GOES TO WINTERGREEN]
KRUGER:
You comprenez, you capish, you versteh!
That you've got a job ahead of you today!
To thc Amy it's not funny
If you don't collect the money!

WINTERGREEN:
I comprenez, I capish, I versteh!

WINTERGREEN:
[TO LEAGUE]
When nations get together,
The stormy winds won't blow-
They'll always have fair weather
If they pay up what they owe!

ENSEMBLE:
Yes, if they pay up what they owe!

LEAGUE:
When nations get together,
And meet in mutual trust,
They'll always have fair weather
If money is not discussed-
If money is not discussed!

WINTERGREEN:
In this land there's a custom-
A funny one, I know-
But people, when you trust 'em,
Must pay up the debt they owe!

ENSEMBLE:
So, pay back what you owe!
No comprenez, no capish, no versteh!
It must be that we are very dumb today!
Ev'ry time you mention dollars.
Ev'ry fiber in us hollers.
"No comprenez, no capish, no versteh!"

WINTERGREEN:
Mary, I can't seem to do a thing.
Maybe they'll respond if "you" will sing!

MARY:
Is this the gratitude you show us?
Why don't you pay back what you owe us?

LEAGUE:
Ah, ze beautiful American maid!
You put all the other women in the shade!

MARY:
What about the war debts?

WHY SPEAK OF MONEY?

LEAGUE:
Why speak of money when there's love, love, love?-
Loveliest of your gender!
You're just the type that we keep dreaming of-
So sweetly tender-
We must surrender!
There's no one like you back in Copenhagen,
London, or Paree,
So, why speak of money when there's love, love, love?
Love is the thing for we!

INTERPRETERS:
[TO WINTERGREEN]
Why speak of money when there's love, love, love?-
Handsomest of your gender!
You're just the type that we keep dreaming of-
Virile but tender-
We must surrender!
There's no one like you back in Cincinnati,
Troy, or Kankakee,
So, why speak of money when there's love, love, love?
Love is the thing for we!

KRUGER:
This foolishness must stop,
Or else I'll call a cop!
Our money is at stake and we'll protect it!
The Army wants to say
[TO LEAGUE]
That "you" had better pay,
[TO WINTERGREEN]
And you are designated to collect it!

WINTERGREEN:
Did you hear that? Pay!

LEAGUE:
No comprenez, no capish, no versteh!
That's our theme song when you're wanting us to pay.
Ev'ry time you mention lucre,
We must give you this rebuker:
" No comprenez, no capish, no versteh!"

WINTERGREEN:
[SPOKEN]
What happens if we "insist" on the money?

LEAGUE:
It means war!

WINTERGREEN:
But how can you have a war if we don't lend you the money?

LEAGUE:
What?

FRANCE:
Do you mean you say you would not lend us the money to fight you?

WINTERGREEN:
Certainly!

[LEAGUE HISSES HIM]
Things have come to a pretty pass when ten nations won't pay what they owe!

[KRUGER SHOWS BAG OF MONEY FROM FINLAND]
Well, nine nations. Nine nations!
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine-
Say! Can you boys play baseball?

LEAGUE:
You mean-the Great American Pastime?

WINTERGREEN:
Yes.

LEAGUE:
No, but we're willing to try!

WINTERGREEN:
Great! We'll have a ball game between the American Blue Shirts
and the League of Nations for the war debts-double or nothing!

[A CHEER FROM THE CROWD]

LEAGUE:
But suppose we lose?

WINTERGREEN:
Well- Suppose you do lose?

FRANCE:
If we lose, we insist on another conference. Do we get it?

WINTERGREEN:
Yes, sir! We'll even pay your expanses over.

LEAGUE:
It's a game! Play ball!

[ANOTHER CHEER]

WHO'S THE GREATEST? (REPRISE)

ALL:
[SING]
Who's the greatest leader that the world has ever known?

KRUGER:
Napoléon?

ALL:
Wrong!

WINTERGREEN:
Wintergreen!

ALL:
Right!
And who's the greatest statesman,
One who'll always stand alone?

KRUGER:
Disraeli?

ALL:
Wrong!

WINTERGREEN:
Wintergreen!

ALL:
Right!
Who's the laddie
Has something on the ball?
Who's the daddy-
The daddy of them all?

WINTERGREEN:
Who is always great or lousy-
Nothing in-between?

ALL:
Who's the man you mean?
Nobody else-
Oh, nobody else-
Oh, nobody else-
Oh, nobody, nobody,
Nobody else but Wintergreen!

10. BASEBALL SCENE,
including: PLAY BALL!
And NINE SUPREME BALL PLAYERS
And NO BETTER WAY TO START A CASE
And THE WHOLE TRUTH
And UP AND AT 'EM, ON TO VICTORY

PLAY BALL!
GIRLS:
Play ball! Play ball!
We're waiting for the game to start.
Oh, when will they begin it?
We're hoping our heroes do their part;
They've simply got to win it!
Play ball! Play ball!
Of course, we're yelling for the Blues,
And so is all the nation;
But what we'll yell if they should lose is not for publication!
Three cheers! Three cheers!
Here comes our ball team!
Here comes our ball team!

[ENTER THE SUPREME COURT JUDGES IN BASEBALL UNIFORMS]

NINE SUPREME BALL PLAYERS

SUPREME COURT:
We're one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine
Supreme ball players.
Pitcher, catcher, first second, third, short, left, center, right
Supreme ball players.

CHIEF JUSTICE:
Gentlemen, a word with you!

JUDGES:
Whereas:

CHIEF JUSTICE:
A baseball game is about to be played between the Official American Nine
and the League of Nations Nine for the war debts, double or nothing-

JUDGES:
Whereas:

CHIEF JUSTICE:
We who represent the American side must be victorious or incur the displeasure
of 129 million ardent patriots-

JUDGES:
Whereas:

CHIEF JUSTICE:
After due deliberation, for there is no precedent, all previous statutes being
incompetent, irrelevant, and immaterial-

JUDGES:
Whereas:

CHIEF JUSTICE:
Now, therefore, be it resolved that the captain of the Official American Nine give an official pep talk!
Gentlemen, your decision!

[FINGERS THRUST FORTH AS IN "EVENS OR ODDS"]

CHIEF JUSTICE:
Five concur and four dissent;
That seems to be the sentiment.

JUDGES:
Five concur and four dissent;
So let us have the pep talk!

NO BETTER WAY TO START A CASE

CHIEF JUSTICE:
To set the court a-tingle,
A judge should hit a single
For there's no better way to start a case!

JUDGES:
No better way to start a case!
The jury won't make trouble
If you should hit a double,
And it's not criminal to steal a base!

CHIEF JUSTICE:
To prove you're not cripple,
Go slam yourself a triple;
Don't swing like Casey in the well-known pome!

JUDGES:
Like Casey in the well-known pome!

CHIEF JUSTICE:
The thing to do is hit balls,
So even if they're spit balls,
Just sock 'em out and run like hell for home!

JUDGES:
We'll sock 'em out and run like hell for home!
We'll sock 'em out and run like hell for home!

CHIEF JUSTICE:
And now, the official cheer!

THE WHOLE TRUTH
ALL:
The whole truth, the whole truth,
Nothing but the truth!
The whole truth, the whole truth,
Nothing but the truth!
Hear ye! Hear ye!
Status-quo! Status-quo! Siss boom bah!
Habeas corpus! Rah! Rah! Rah!

UP AND AT 'EM, ON THE VICTORY

JUDGES:
Up and at 'em! On the vict'ry!
Give a cheer for team, team, team!
Up and at 'em! On the vict'ry!
Show 'em we're supreme preme preme!
Yowski wowski, boola boola, status quo, status quo!
Are we cripples? No! No! No!
So, up and at 'em! On the vict'ry!
Give a cheer for team, team, team!

11. OYEZ, OYEZ, OYEZ!

TWO SOLDIERS:
Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!

SPECTATORS:
Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

SOLDIERS:
Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!

SPECTATORS:
Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

SOLDIERS:
[TO EACH OTHER]
We seem to be outnumbered;
We seem to be encumbered;
With a lack of reinforcement;
Let's get some reinforcement!

[WHISTLE, TWO MORE SOLDIERS APPEAR]

FOUR SOLDIERS:
Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!

SPECTATORS:
Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

SOLDIERS:
Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!

SPECTATORS:
Oh no! Oh no! Oh no!

SOLDIERS:
[AMONG THEMSELVES]
It seems they still outshout us;
I wonder why they doubt us;
We need some reinforcement;
Let's get some reinforcement!

[WHISTLE, FOUR MORE SOLDIERS APPEAR]

EIGHT SOLDIERS:
Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!

SPECTATORS:
OH NO! OH NO! OH NO!

[SOLDIERS PULL OUT THE MEGAPHONES]

SOLDIERS:
OYEZ! OYEZ! OYEZ!

SPECTATORS:
Hearing such a blast,
We're convinced at last.

ALL:
Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!

12. THE TRIAL OF THROTTLEBOTTOM,
including: THAT'S WHAT HE DID!
And I KNOW A FOUL BALL
And THROTTLE THROTTLEBOTTOM

THAT'S WHAT HE DID!

KRUGER:
Billions of dollars were lost us;
Billions of dollars it cost us-
Because this viper double-crossed us!

[INDICATES THROTTLEBOTTOM]

SUPREME COURT:
This dirty viper double-crossed us!

WINTERGREEN:
Stop calling names and let's get down to cases.

KRUGER:
The score was eight to eight,
[POINTS TO JUDGES]
And they were going great,
[POINTS TO THROTTLEBOTTOM]
And what did he do?

THROTTLE:
What did I do?

KRUGER:
What did you "do"?
In inning number nine,
He showed he had no spine,
What did he do?

THROTTLE:
What did I do?

SUPREME COURT:
What did you "do"?

KRUGER:
The others were at bat,
When suddenly-like that
He called a foul a fair.
It was a foul, I swear!

SUPREME COURT:
He's called a foul a fair.
So "he's" a foul, I swear.

KRUGER:
That's what he did!
That's what he did!
That's what he did!

ALL:
That's what he did!

SUPREME COURT:
Deny that, if you can,
You hypocritical man!
You son of a gun,
You gave the run
To the player from Japan!

ARMY:
Deny that, if you can,
You hypocritical man!
You son of a gun,
You gave the run
To the player from Japan!

KRUGER:
And so we lost the game,
Our fortune, and our name, this son of a gun
Gave them the run,
And he's the one to blame!

ALL:
Yes, he's the one to blame!

WINTERGREEN:
Alexander Throttlebottom, what have you to say to this?

I KNOW A FOUL BALL

THROTTLE:
I know a foul ball when I see one;
I know a ball that's known as fair.
So far as human eyes can guarantee one,
The ball I saw was fair, I swear!

ALL:
He knows a foul ball when he sees one;
He knows a ball that's known as fair.

KRUGER:
Oh, if there ever was a crook, then "he's" one!

GIRLS:
"He's" one!

SUPREME COURT:
The ball was foul!

THROTTLE:
The ball was fair!

ARMY:
The ball was foul!

THROTTLE:
The ball was fair!

ALL:
Foul!

THROTTLE:
Fair!

ALL:
Foul!

THROTTLE:
Fair!

KRUGER:
I say that he's a traitor indescribable!
I saw they gave him money and he's bribable!
Besmirching all of us who feel we're Aryan-
To kill him is an act humanitarian!

ALL:
Yes, kill the umpire! Kill 'im!
With lead we ought to fill 'im!
The son of a gun
Gave them the run-
So kill 'im, kill 'im, kill 'im!

WINTERGREEN:
Order in the court! To me it would seem
That taking his life is a little extreme!

KRUGER:
Comrades, to throttle
Throttlebottom or not to
Throttle Throttlebottom?
That is the question!

THROTTLE THROTTLEBOTTOM

KRUGER:
Now that we have got 'im,
Shall we throttle Throttlebottom,
Shall we throttle Throttlebottom,
Shall we throttle him or not?

ALL:
Now that we have got 'im,
Shall we throttle Throttlebottom,
Shall we throttle Throttlebottom,
Shall we throttle him or not?

KRUGER:
I say throttle Throttlebottom!

SUPREME COURT:
We say throttle Throttlebottom!

ARMY:
If you say throttle Throttlebottom,
Let's throttle Throttlebottom on the spot!

[THEY ALL RUSH AT THROTTLEBOTTOM]

WINTERGREEN AND COMMITTEE:
Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no

SOLDIERS:
Oyez! Oyez! Oyez!
[POINT GUNS AT WINTERGREEN]

WINTERGREEN:
We've been thinking fast;
We're convinced at last:
Now that you have got 'im,
You can throttle Throttlebottom!
I'm afraid, old Throttlebottom,
They have got you on the spot!

ALL:
Now that we have got 'im,
We can throttle Throttlebottom!
We're afraid, old Throttlebottom,
We have got you on the spot!

ALL:
Alexander Thrott'
Is on the spot!

KRUGER:
The persecution rests.

13. THE TRIAL OF WINTERGREEN,
including: A HELL OF A HOLE
And DOWN WITH EVERYONE WHO'S UP (REPRISE)
And IT ISN'T WHAT YOU DID
And MINE (REPRISE)

A HELL OF A HOLE

KRUGER:
[SPOKEN]
What we want to know is: When are we going to be paid?

ARMY:
[SINGS]
Yes, when are we gonna be paid?
Oh, when are we gonna be paid?

KRUGER:
Your I.O.U.
Is overdue-

ARMY:
So when are we gonna be paid?

WINTERGREEN:
Wait a minute, Kruger! You're going too far!
Remember: I'm Dictator!

KRUGER:
You're a dictator as long as the
Army says so and not one second longer!
The Army made you, and the Army can break you!
And see that you don't forget it!

ARMY:
That's something you shouldn't forget!
That's something you shouldn't forget!

KRUGER:
What the Army can make
The Army can break-
That's something you shouldn't forget!

WINTERGREEN:
Oh, we're in a hell of a hole!
Oh, we're in a hell of a hole!

COMMITTEE:
The Army can make us;
The Amy can break us-
So, we're in a hell of a hole,
A hell of a, hell of a, hell of a,
Hell of a, hell of a, hell of a hole!
A hell of a, hell of a, hell of a,
Hell of a, hell of a, hell of a hole!

ARMY:
So what are you going to do?
So what are you going to do?

KRUGER:
You'd better come clean*
Or the guillotine
Is ready to cut you in two!

-------------------------------------------------
[*SCRIPT VERSION OF THIS AND THE NEXT TWO LINES:
Believe it or not,
What happened to Thrott'
Is likely to happen to you.]
-------------------------------------------------

COMMITTEE:
Oh, we're in a hell of a fix!
Oh, we're in a hell of a fix!
The guillotine-
Is that what you mean?
Oh, we're in a hell of a fix!
A hell of a, hell of a, hell of a,
hell of a, hell of a, hell of a fix!
A hell of a, hell of a, hell of a,
hell of a, hell of a, hell of a fix!

WINTERGREEN:
Look here, you men!
We'll give you ten percent of the shirt business!

KRUGER:
Don't make us laugh!

ARMY:
Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Your ten percent
Is very well meant-
But ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

WINTERGREEN:
How about fifteen?

LIPPMAN:
Try twelve and a half.

ARMY:
Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
Don't make us laugh
With twelve and a half-
Oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

KRUGER:
We wouldn't take ninety-five!
We're going to take it a11.
What do you say, men?

DOWN WITH EVERYONE WHO'S UP (REPRISE)

KRUGER:
Down with all these politicians!

ARMY:
Politicians!

KRUGER:
Down with present-day conditions!

ARMY:
Day conditions!

[WINTERGREEN AND CREW ARE BEING LED DOWN FROM BENCH]

KRUGER:
Down with traitors! Make 'em shiver!

ARMY:
Make 'em shiver!

KRUGER:
Down upon the Swanee River!

[ALL GO INTO SOFT-SHOE DANCE]

KRUGER:
Down with a11 the upper classes!

ARMY:
Upper classes!

KRUGER:
Might as well include the masses!
[BY THIS TIME, KRUGER IS ON BENCH, WEARING WIG]
Happiness will fill our cup
When it's down with ev'ryone who's up!

KRUGER:
That's the torch we're going to get the flame from!
If you don't like it, why don't you go back where you came from?

ARMY:
If you don't like it, why don't you go back where you came from?
If you don't like it, why don't you go back where you came from?

KRUGER:
And now, John P. Wintergreen, have you or any of your
henchmen anything to saybefore we find you guilty!

WINTERGREEN:
Impeach me, fine me, sue me, jail me!
But reasons for this action fail me!

KRUGER:
[TO SOLDIERS]
Our comrade thinks he'd like a reason.
[TO WINTERGREEN]
Perhaps you never heard of treason!
Treason, treason, treason!

WINTERGREEN:
But fellows, I tried to get you the war debts.
I did everything I could!

KRUGER:
It isn't what you did.
It's what you didn't do!

IT ISN'T WHAT YOU DID

SOLDIERS:
It isn't what you did-
It's what you didn't do!
It isn't what you did-
It's what you didn't do!
When you promised us milk and honey!
It isn't what you did-
It's what you didn't do!
It isn't what you did-
It's what you didn't do!
And you just didn't get us the money!

WINTERGREEN:
When it isn't what you did, but what you didn't-
There is little that a fellow can do.
I tried my best to get you the money!

SOLDIERS:
But you didn't get it. Isn't that true?

WINTERGREEN AND COMMITTEE:
We tried our best to get you the money!

SOLDIERS:
But you didn't get it. Isn't that true?

WINTERGREEN:
When it isn't what you did, but what you didn't-
When it isn't what you did, but what you didn't-
And the court has a judge
Whose mind won't budge-
There's nothing that a fellow can do!

COMMITTEE:
There is nothing that a fellow can do!

[KRUGER OPENS LARGE LAW BOOK]

KRUGER:
Well, here's something "I" can do.
The penalty for treason is beheading. John P. Wintergreen,
Francis X. Gilhooley, Louis Lippman, Craver Crockett Jones,
Robert E. Lyons, and Matthew Arnold Fulton, I sentence you
all to beheaded!

WINTERGREEN AND COMMITTEE:
Beheaded?

ALL:
Beheaded!

WINTERGREEN AND COMMITTEE:
Oh, we're in a hell of a jam!
Oh, we're in a hell of a jam!
The guillotine-
Is that what you mean?

ALL:
Yes, you're in a hell of a jam!
A hell of a, hell of a, hell of a,
hell of a, hell of a, hell of a jam!
A hell of a, hell of a, hell of a,
hell of a, hell of a, hell of a jam!

[MARY AND FIVE WIVES RUSH ON]

WIVES:
Stop! Stop! Stop!
[MARY WHISPERS TO WINTERGREEN]

WINTERGREEN:
Try it. It worked once.

[MARY TURNS TO BENCH]

MARY:
Before you go any further,
With your permission,
I must tell you of my husband's delicate condition!

ALL:
Delicate condition!
What do you mean?

MARY:
I'm about to be a mother!
He's about to be a father!
We're about to have a baby!

KRUGER:
Hold on, here! You can't get away with that again!
That was all right four years ago, but it doesn't
go with the Army. What is it-twins again?

[MARY IS DEFENSELESS]

Well, it's "your" tough luck. Now, if you want to say good-bye to
your husband, all right, but make it snappy. Just one chorus!

MINE (REPRISE)

WINTERGREEN:
Mine, love is mine,
Whether it rain or storm or shine!
Mine, carry on!
Give me a tough when I am gone!
For I am yours,
You know that I'm yours,
Even up there on heav'nly shores!

MARY AND WINTERGREEN:
Mine, though it's good-bye,
A love like ours will never die!

ALL:
His, she is his;
When you're that way, that's how it is!
Hers, he is hers;
There's no one else her heart prefers.
True love is theirs;
Love will still be theirs
When he has left all earthy cares.

MARY AND WINTERGREEN:
Mine, though it's good-bye-

ALL:
A love like (theirs) ours will never die!

14. HANGING THROTTLEBOTTOM IN THE MORNING

LIEUTENANT:
This morning. October the fifth,
Nineteen hundred and um-tee-um,
The second day of our new government
under the leadership of Citizen Kruger,
we celebrate with the following program:
Part A will consist of seven beheadings.
Part B. there is no part B.
Part C will consist of a sale of autographed
photographs of Citizen Kruger,
the proceeds of which will go to Citizen Kruger.
Open the gates and let the customers in.

ENSEMBLE:
Oh, they're hanging Throttlebottom in the morning!
Oh, they're hanging Throttlebottom in the morning!
Oh, nine o'clock too soon-
They might have waited till noon,
But they're hanging Throttlebottom in the morn!

Oh, they're hanging Throttlebottom in the morning!
Oh, they're hanging Throttlebottom in the morning!
We hope they've had their brunch,
For they'll be missing at lunch!

Oh, they're hanging the Committee in the morng!
Sing hallelujah!
We hope Saint Peter treats 'em well!
Sing hallelujah!
Ring out that golden bell!
Sing hallelujah!
They'll soon be winging through the sky!
Sing hallelujah!
And good-bye!

Oh, they're hanging the dictator in the morning!
Oh, they're hanging the dictator in the morning!
He's proved himself a bust,
So dust returns to dust!
And they're hanging the dictator in the morn!
Oh, they're hanging the dictator in the morn!

15. FIRST LADY AND FIRST GENT

VERSE
TRIXIE:
Our future looks colossal and terrific.

KRUGER:
Why not?

TRIXIE:
If you can find the courage to be mine!

KRUGER:
Why not?

TRIXIE:
We'll rule from the Atlantic to Pacific.
KRUGER:
Why not?

TRIXIE:
If we get both our forces to combine!

KRUGER:
Of course, you know your past is rather shady!

TRIXIE:
Why not?
But then we two have so much on the ball!

KRUGER:
We really ought to be First Gent and First Lady!

TRIXIE:
The soldiers and the sailors all at our back and call!

BOTH:
And so we've got the wherewithal!

REFRAIN
TRIXIE:
If you'll tie up with me,
Boy, we'll make history.

KRUGER:
With no one stopping us,
Believe you me, there's no topping us!

BOTH:
We'll be First Lady and First Gent!

TRIXIE:
We'll be the country toast,
And rule from coast to coast.

KRUGER:
Without legality,
But that's just technicality!

BOTH:
Let's be First Lady and First Gent!
A new regime and combination,
The greatest team in all creation!
First Lady and First Gent:
That suits our temp'rament!
Life will be so grand
When we both rule the land!

16. FASHION SHOW
And FINALE ULTIMO

[MOSTLY SPOKEN DIALOGUE OVER UNDERSCORING]

MARY:
Stop! Halt! Pause! Wait!

CROWD:
What's your silly notion,
In causing this commotion?
Who are you to dally
With Throtty's big finale?

MARY:
Before you go any further
With this passion show,
I would like to introduce
A fashion show.

TRIXIE:
A fashion show!

[A REACTION FROM THE GIRLS; DIALOGUE FOLLOWS.
MUSIC FOR THE FASHION SHOW: "BLUE, BLUE, BLUE."
THE FIVE WIVES ENTER, EACH WEARING A LOVELY
EVENING GOWN. THEY PARADE, LIKE MANNEQUINS,
TO MUCH ADMIRATION. DIALOGUE, DURING WHICH MARY,
TRIXIE AND GIRLS TURN ON KRUGER]

TRIXIE:
[SINGS]
Down with Kruger, the Dictator!

GIRLS:
The Dictator!

TRIXIE:
To our sex he will not cater!

GIRLS:
Will not cater!

[WITH A ROAR, THE SOLDIERS SEIZE KRUGER; THE REPUBLIC
IS RESTORED WITH THROTTLEBOTTOM AS PRESIDENT. SEGUE TO
"FINALE ULTIMO," WHICH IS A REPRISE OF "OF THEE I SING"
OR "LET 'EM EAT CAKE"]
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