by Billy Klintun
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bananas ****Editor's Note!! Uncle Billy is a lying sack of horse manure. He writes purely humorous fiction for his own amusement. Nothing he says should be taken seriously. At the very least you should carefully verify anything he says that you think may be true. In no way should his sick sense of humor be mistaken for actual information.****
Weeellll folks, good ta' see y'all. I just dropped by to intra-duce myself. I'm Uncle Billy, that over there is my wife, Betsy. I understand you entheogen dot peoples all like to partake of the finer things in life. I figure I can contribute bit and even maybe help you all out. I'm a very knlow, er, knowegde, um, smart feller. I grew up in the little backwaters of Arkansas and cut my teeth on some pretty gritty smokes. I fully intend to accept your questions, anonymushly of course!, and provide answers in an open forum. Don't thank me, it's the least I can do for you all.

In the meantime, I'd like to share with you all my very own granpappy's Bananadine Recipe. Sort of validate my credentials, so to speak. Now as I'm sure you all know, bananadine is the active component in banana peels which allows them to be smoked for a sweet, sweet, oh so sweet, stoney high. I'd recon' it is probly at least as sweet as Betsy's shofly pie, but don' you all go tellin' her that! Uncle Billy gotta sleep in the same house and all, ya know? Rafters in the barn is a drafty place ta be sleepin', if'n ya follow me. Anyway, the reason so many say bananas ain't no good for smoking, is most people just have the common store bought yella bananas. If'n you can find the red, they's much more potent. Them plantains is the best tho'.

What? You got only the yella ones? They don't even ship them un's fully ripe! They's green like them tomatoes half the time! Anyway, it's a good thing you have my granpappy's Bananadine Recipe if'n all yas got is yella bananas. Huh? Oops, sorry. Here it is.

Granpappy Smith's Genuine Bananadine Recipe

You'll need some bananas, make sure they are ripe. The riper the better, but remember working with black banana skin is messier, especially if you are in a lil' backwater southun' community!

Add some vodka to the list, the more the merrier!

You need some rubbing alcohol, a few canning jars and some other things. Maybe you all have 'em already.

Okie, drink a decent shot of that vodka, make sure it is the real thing. Take just a tiny sip of the rubbing alcohol, make sure you ain't confused them yet. Put the rubbing stuff in a jar, and putthe lid on the jar with a string through the hole. Did I tell you all to put a hole in the lid of the jar? Light the string to make an alcohol lamp. Now look! You burned yourself!

Peel the banana, find someone to eat it. Preferably a good looking woman, but I kinda forget why that is important any more. Save the skin, or else you'll have to start over again!

Scrape all that white stuff off the inside of the banana peel. That's got some sort of poison in it, give you a real nasty head ache. You need to crush these up, or at least grind em real fine like. If you can squeeze any oil out of this, save it, as it is high in banandine. Next roast the banana much over the alcohol flame. At this point it is a good idea to kick back another healthy slug of that vodka, make sure you got the right stuff in the right places you know. After you all roast the banana pulp the way you like it, soak it for an hour in the vodka. Actually it might be easier to roast the skins, then grind em. Never tried it that way though. Anyway, you all might get bored in that hour, I've heard druggies and alcoholics get bored easy. So kick back with some of the rest of that vodka!

Later, squeeze as much vodka as you can off the pulp. Save the pulp to use as a mushroom substrate. With all the alcohol that was in it you won't even need to sterilize it. Mix the oil you saved with the vodka. Taste it to make sure you done it right. Now you need to do what they call an acid/base extraction. Now acid and freebase coke are both illegal nowadays, so you'll have to use vinegar and baking soda instead. This will cause a slight decrease in potency I think. Not too much though. Add the vinegar first, as much as you think you can stand drinking. Next add baking soda a little at a time, till it stops foaming. Use your alcohol lamp to hurry it along. Ain't you all glad I told you to use rubbing alcohol for that lamp? Chances are good you are out of vodka by now!

When it is done foaming, or when you get bored with that, put it all in a pot on the stove. Back when acid was legal, this was easier, as you didn't get bored so fast while watching the bananadine foam. Bring it all to a slow boil and cook it down. Careful not to breathe the vinegar vapors, it cold be dangerous! I remember when cousin Teddy tried sniffing vinegar vapor, but that is another story.

When you get a thick syrup, you need to work it pretty fast over a very low heat, then pour it into a can and put it in a dehydrator or something. When it gets real dry and hard, break it up real fine with a stick. Or you can pour the thick goo, before final drying, over well dried, and shredded, banana skins. This makes for a nice resiny type of smoke. You know this concentrates the bananadine, cause you end up with a lot less dried stuff than you had liquid.

For more information go to:
The Banana Site

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