The Origin's of Alf's Imperial Army

W ar as an Art Form
Whilst at Melbourne University, the Wizard began to apply the principles emerging from his new cosmology which he was teaching there (see later articles on this site), to found an army. This was done with the aim of reducing the hatred and violence being introduced on the campus by the various left-wing activists of the time.

The founding fathers of ALF's Imperial Army 1973

The catalyst for this decision came in 1972 when the University Pacifist Society voted to give student money to the Viet Cong! Long an admirer of Viktor Frankl's "paradoxical intention" therapy and convinced that, since the student leaders were becoming unintentionally paradoxical out of sheer hatred of the USA, the best way to provide therapy for the students as a whole was to form a "paradoxical army" that fought for fun.

ALF's Imperial Army was named after the university reform movement he founded earlier at The University of NSW in Sydney and was consciously part of the ongoing Fun Revolution .

An Imperial Army was designed to be the most radical departure from conventional student politics imaginable. The colour and style of imperialists appealed to the Wizard's aesthetic tastes as a Living Work of Art . He regarded anti-imperialists as uncouth, puritanical, arrogant, argumentative and, worst of all, shabbily turned out in their khaki battledress and Che Guevara berets.

A ll Not Fair in War
He drew up a simple set of rules for non-violent war which emphasised invective and sabre-rattling and forbade the use of any weapons likely to cause injury. The writing of ultimata became an art form almost as important as history-writing aimed at proving that ALF's Army was always right and had of course won the last battle (whatever may have transpired on the battlefield).

The enemy was anyone willing to fight A.I.A. and to abide by Alfs' Articles Of War. Needless to say, no left wing pacifists or religious fundamentalsts were willing to fight them. Puritans take war and revolution (and themselves) very seriously. However the Engineering students at Melbourne University had a history of fun-loving activites and made an excellent enemy. The snag for AIA was that their enemies always outnumbered them, often by as much as ten-to-one.

M elbourne University as the Battleground
Most battles took place on the "concrete lawn" between the student administration offices and the university administration offices and were watched with horror by the executives of both bureaucracies and with delight by the student and administrative masses.

The sight of so much frenzied mock violence with charges, counter-charges, flour bombs and buckets of water being hurled in all directions made far better photographs than those of dreary, bureaucratic student radicals throwing marbles under police horses' hooves or struggling to occupy some rival bureaucrats' offices.

The student masses, constantly being urged on to violence, for no obvious reason, by their leaders (and their lackies the student newspaper staff) much preferred to watch or participate in exciting and non-violent ALF's Imperial Army battles than to become involved in yet another office occupation or dull, down-town "demo" against "American Imperialism."

The only snag was they would never see their pictures in the student newspaper or major city papers, who much preferred to publish pictures of ugly violence for a "good cause" to those of beautiful, controlled, existential agression.

T he Army Conquers New Zealand
In 1973, in preparation for his attempt at apotheosis (more details later on this site), the Wizard was preparing to move to New Zealand. He sent ahead one of his officers, Colonel Catford, to prepare the way. The Colonel organised and led the first regiment in Canterbury and battles were fought on the topographically excellent terrain of the recently-moved university.

The first battle in New Zealand August 1973

The Wizard himself arrived in 1974 and the battles began to move away from the increasingly conformist university campuses to other locations, and other enemies came forward to declare war on ALF's Imperial Army. At the same time uniforms began to develop towards the ideal reached by the British Army in the late 19th Century and shown so attractively in the film "Zulu" which was released at this time. In the early days pith helmets had been improvised from plastic toy police helmets and white shirts rather poorly dyed red.

One day, soon after his arrival in Christchurch, the Wizard happened to be shopping in a dairy when he looked up and to his amazement saw an unknown ALF's Imperial Army Regiment on their TV screen. They were dressed in regulation uniforms and were battling the usual large mob of ill-dressed enemies. A student from Massey University in Palmerstone North, Andrew Smith, had simply picked up the idea for the uniform and rules of war and had gone ahead on his own.

Meanwhile the indefatigable Colonel Catford had moved to Wellington and founded yet another Regiment there.

At the same time, Wayne Everson, a student at Otago University in Dunedin with a strong interest in the visual arts, founded the Third Regiment. His improvements on uniform quality and design and the improved training methods and mobile campaign equipment devised by his trusty lieutenants, Alan Larsen(Algy) and Doug Scoe, were first seen during the invasion of the North Island by the South Island regiments and were soon copied by the others. Medals with distinct ribbons were struck for various campaigns and for heroism, and regimental messes complete with bar and imperialist decor sprung up all over the country.

It is important to point out here that there has been no connection between ALF's Imperial Army and the Society of Creative Anachronism (SCA) as the latter believe in contrasting their own activities with "real life", a concept which the Wizard believes is greatly over-rated and over-respected. Most ALFs restrict their medieval fantasies to role-playing games.

There is more connection with the groups that re-enact famous battles of the past, particularly the Sealed Knot in the UK. Many members whilst in Europe join this group and participate in their battles. There is still the same difference in their philosophical approach as to what represents "real life".

There is not space enough here to list all the enemies that have deliberately provoked war with ALF's Army over the years. Their most common characteristic until recently has been their scruffy appearance, their inability to compose stlyish ultimata and self-gloryfying histories, and their superior numbers.

T he Glorious Record of the Past
No-one who was present can forget the battle at the time of the NZ General Election in 1978 when the Imperial British Conservative Party candidate (see forthcoming article on this site), Tinkerbell, led the army against the massed forces of the Labour Candidate, Anne Hercus. Other memorable battles include the traumatising Battle with the Nudists at their annual camp, the attack on the Maoris at the Seven Canoes Marae to rescue a colleague, the Invasion of Otago University, the Battle on the Ice at the Leith River, The multiple-interactive battle with the school boys at Blenheim College, the terrifying encounter with the schoolgirls of St Margaret's, the Battle of Hagley Park when the Wizard was rescued after three days of captivity by terrorists, the marine Battle with the Pirates on Lake Victoria, the Battle with the Police at Invercargill Showground, the Capture of Coronet Peak and the Attack from Lake Wakatipu at Queenstown, the Defeat of the Mudmen at the hippies' Rock Festival at Punakaiki, The Festival of War at Golden Bay, The Seige of Avalon TV Studios in Wellington by the combined North and South Armies, the battle with film ex-extras at Wanaka, the Khan Wars, etc. etc.

Only by research into the yellowing back numbers of The Imperial Illustrated Gazette could anyone compile a more or less complete record.

T he Mother of all Armies
During the 1980s, defaulters from ALF's Imperial Army and imitators began to form rival armies all over New Zealand. The most notable and most active has been the McGillicuddy's Flying Claymores which started in Hamilton and spread throughout the country as part of the trendy anti-Anglo-Saxon Celtic Revival. They claimed that the throne had been usurped by the Hanoverians and the true monarch of New Zealand should be a shadowy figure of their own choice, Prince Geoffie.

The McGillicuddys set new standards as an enemy, being most attractively turned out in kilts and bonnets, skilled in the art of dying gloriously, employed witches for spells, and were in even smaller numbers than the ALFs. The McGillicuddy Clan also formed a political party to contest general elections. Three or four small private armies appeared in Dunedin which also produced many of the best officers in ALF's army. The Rough Riders of Christchurch, the Black Macs of Blenheim, the Fighting Firemen of Nelson and Aunt Fanny's Sewing Circle of Takaka are only a few examples of the resurgence of the heroic warrior spirit in New Zealand. Alas almost no interest in non-serious warfare has so far been shown in Auckland. Most people outside the metropolis regard Aucklanders as singularly devoid ofirony and humour.

T he Glorious Future - the Invasion of America
Having completed their mission to bring properly organised and artistically attractive war to New Zealand, members of ALF's Imperial Army have come to an impasse. Numbers are declining, the style and elan have been replaced by formalism and attempts have been made to bureaucratise the regiments. At such times in the history of human affairs great leaders have found it necessary to attack a foreign power.

Since the 1970s the Wizard has kept reminding his army that they must not forget that their great mission in life is The Invasion of America. The master plan is to recruit heavily in Canada and then march South over the border.

The Aim is to bring the Yanks back into the Empire, to restore Queen Elizabeth as their legitimate Head of State, to replace their President with a Governor General, to re-establish the Church of England as their state religion, and to secure an apology for the misrepresentation of King George III's character in The Declaration of Independence. Whether or not the British will burn the White House down for the third time will depend on the Americans' genuine repentance for their government's collusion with the Soviet dictator at the Yalta and Tehran Conferences to destroy the British Empire.

This web site is now ready to facilitate the recruitment of traditionalists and loyalists from all over the British Commonwealth, especially from those Canadians horrified by their absorption into the USA. We also expect to gaining allies from discontented Confederate States "rebels" with long memories. Volunteers keen to participate in this noble enterprise should contact the Wizard by e-mail as soon as possible..

Living Work of Art Gallery

T he Art of War

BackChat - click here to add your comment

The demise of Alf's Army I was involved with Alf's Army in the mid- to late-80s and returned recently from overseas. Where were the Alfs? I found that those in Christchurch no longer do battle, the Wellington Boots have disbanded and sold all their gear and the Waitati Militia of Dunedin seem to have been replaced by Russians... What happened to the Alfs? There are, it seems, Alfs in Oamaru. But they were like a bad dream. They were the sort of group I joined the Alfs to take the piss out of. They don't do battle, all they do is march around in their uniforms and take themselves seriously! What has happened to the Alfs? I've read your website and the guestbook comments from people who think the Army is still a happening thing. Isn't it time to tell them the Army doesn't exist any more? And as for yourself - you take the credit for beginning it all. Who's to blame for its demise? What happened to the Alfs? It was a living, singing, swaggering culture of self parody. It gave us all a chance to be heroes and take the piss out of serious people. Now the only ones who call themselves Alfs are as serious as those we parodied. What the hell has happened to the Alfs?
Monty - on Sun May 13 21:43:20 NZST 2001.

Re previous comment from one Riki Crosado. The language used in this comment, and the tasteless allegations contained within, should make it clear to anyone reading it why we are very pleased that he chose to resign from the Regiment after being demoted for incompetence and suspended for use of illegal drugs while wearing our uniform. He is a liar and a prime sleaze and we warn all other groups against him.
Maria Petrova, Adiutant. - Dunedin - on Thu May 10 00:09:00 NZST 2001.

Greeting loyal servents of the empire. I am the Ex 2IC if the 1st lindskii regiment of the Czars army of the south. I was removed from my place within the regiment, because a new nurse did not like me, and gregor wished to have his D*** S***** by her. I am now in the Christchurch. I wish to get back into a bit of pacifist warfare. If you know of any group that is willing to take on an old soldier. I would love to hear from them.
Riki Crosado - Christchurch - on Fri May 4 10:17:43 NZST 2001.

Sirs, Greetings from the depths of the Lost Colony! My Tour of North America progresses well, and I hope to make an "intelligence" report to the Major (ALFs 5th Waikato) before my return to the Loyal Colony of New Zealand in June. Certain aspects of this land are shocking and most depressing (I shall not repeat them here for fear any Ladies may witness them) but I am sure that we shall prevail. God save the Queen! Wizard save the Empire!
Pvt. T. A. Fears (5th Waikato Dragoons) - Currently Indianopolis, IN - on Fri Apr 27 07:45:11 NZST 2001.

great site - was sad not to see you (Wiz) when i was in the mainland in January! But love what your team is doing nonetheless!
edie - Auckland - on Tue Apr 3 23:13:43 NZST 2001.

Humans, let a real warrior teach you how to wage war properly, with honour! I, HurghIw', son of nuQash, have fought and won over 1600 battles both on and off the Klingon homeworld. America will surrender, like a Ferengi COWARD. QAPLA'!
HurghIw' son of nuQash - Qonos' - on Thu Dec 21 15:10:01 NZDT 2000.

Sah, Concerning your imminent plans for the liberation of those oppressed loyal citizens in the occupied states of America, it has come to our attention that the A.I.A. will require ships of carrige and war to carry out a speedy campaign. Therefore, as your loyal men we stand ready to serve. Long live the crown!!! ACH N. Smith Alf's Imperial Army Naval Reserve.
ACH N. Smith - Loyal British Colony of New Zealand - on Sat Apr 29 12:56:18 NZST 2000.

Sirs- when you finally take over America do we get to keep our guns? Yes? Cooool- come on over! We'll have the bloody White House already burnt down for you as a welcoming present- it'll be a pleasure! Bring back the Union Jack! Long live good King George III!
Cpl. Roger Fuller, 3/95th (Rifles) - Massachusetts, USA - on Mon Dec 20 15:25:39 NZDT 1999.

Sir, I'll have you know I and my Canadian friends have for over 20 years been continueing the War of 1812. You know we still can't seem to get it right. Will we ever....
Pvt. Terry Lubka - Toronto, Canada - on Sun Dec 19 18:27:41 NZDT 1999.

Why was the 'Wizard' missing in action in the most important battle of all - the war to defeat the Roundhead subservives in the Australian 'republic' referendum on November 6. Thankfully, the good sense of the Aussie populace saw this proposition get its feeble ass kicked to kingdom come. As those of us who did take up the fight said at the time: Confound their politics Frustrate their knavish tricks On thee our hopes we fix God save us all! (and this verse is NOT referring to you, AWOL Wizard boy!)
John Frost - Melbourne, Australia - on Mon Dec 6 13:56:28 NZDT 1999.

Huzzah! Keep up the good work Wizard! The spirit of Alf lives on. Highlander Mickey (ret, Waitati Militia 1986-87)
Highlander Mickey - Wellington - on Sat Jul 31 17:24:36 NZST 1999.

WINSOR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- on Sat Jul 24 19:41:02 NZST 1999.

Senior Sergent Doug Carsonski - Oamaru N.Z - on Sat Jul 24 19:39:28 NZST 1999.

Elitist nationalist bastards must die. While you throw down ordianry weapons of bloodshed, you uphold the same predjudiced governmental rhetoric justfying a millenium of murder. May your next charge be off the edge of a cliff.
Rev. Puz Fundles - This dreary planet of the apes. - on Thu Jun 17 09:53:41 NZST 1999.

Hey Wiz, You probably wont remember me but I met you in Christchurch in1981 when that glorious old tub the Royal yacht visited. I was on the other side then in the Royal Marines band. Having read your brilliant article on ALFs army I want to join I have a bugle and know many rousing tunes,. can I be of assistance particularly in the invasion of america.PS I can sound the charge but can do retreat to the bar lads better!!! Cheers dan Archer
dan Archer - The antipodes, IUK - on .

Hey Wiz, You probably wont remember me but I met you in Christchurch in1981 when that glorious old tub the Royal yacht visited. I was on the other side then in the Royal Marines band. Having read your brilliant article on ALFs army I want to join I have a bugle and know many rousing tunes,. can I be of assistance particularly in the invasion of america.PS I can sound the charge but can do retreat to the bar lads better!!! Cheers dan Archer
dan Archer - The antipodes, IUK - on .

Just to let you know that we are still loyal in Hamilton, NZ and will be ready to assist in the big push into the lands of the United States when the time comes, we have ample supplies and ready paper swords. We have also be practising alot on the unruly Flying clamores that periodically raise their head and say untrue things and any other groups that dare to step onto the field against us. Yours faithfully.
L.Cpl O. Appearance - Hamilton, New Zealand - on .

Sah! Congradulations on a most magnificent virtual construction type thing. It is without reservation that I conceed that your vision of the future of Alfdom has been vindicated. Whilst sharing Lt Ellis`s reservation for all things steam-powered (apart from tea kettles) the notion of a virtual Alf`s Imperial Army undoubtedly has merit. This is especially true for those of us of the Alf disporea who alone and isolated must hold true to the fine manly virtues of shiny shoes and silly buggers. Your obedient servant RSM J.`Sewer` O`Hanlon 1 C.L.I.,A.I.A.(rtd.)(Sah!)
RSM J.`Sewer`O`Hanlon, AIA. - Tokyo Japan - on .

Dear Sir, As staunch defenders of the Empire ( on which the sun nevers sets I might add) I wish to point out to you a most horrendous article on page A8 in today's edition of the New Zealand Herald (Wed. 2 September 1998). It concerns the evil machinations of well-known NZ art critic Hamish Quiche/Keith. He has almost succeeded in hood-winking the Auckland City Council (not a difficult feat I must admit) into re-naming "Khartoum Place" as "McCahon Place" in the Auckland downtown area. Quiche's comment were "Khartoum has no relevance at all but the art gallery has relevance and Colin McCahon has relevance." I've never heard such patent rot and down-right balderdash in all my days and this is just another sad example of misinformed idiots with no sense of history, callously eroding away our British heritage at every given opportunity. I hope that "the Alf's" and anyone remotely interested in protecting our heritage in NZ will pause to read the herald article, then "rally 'round the flag" and put a stop to this tom-foolery that the Auckland City Council has in mind. (Signed) "A Concerned Reader" (From the 65th Yorkshire-North Riding Regt. of Foot)
Craig Douglas - Auckland "City of Dorks" - on .

Compass-Murjak :- As you can see i have found my way to the forge, althou it was a long and hard trip, (it was worth it in the end). As for your intenshions for paddy day you have all the surport from Stanfast castle, Your room has been readied and there will be a meal ready and waiting, there will also be provisions for the troups if needed. We await the final plans with antisipation. Hope to here from you soon SHALL KEEP THE HOME FIRES BURING.
Awax & Flaxen - London - England - on Wed Jun 17 04:13:25 NZST 1998.

If Wesley Golledge is still involved in the Canterbury Army can he contact his old Gloucester street neighbours re K.A.O.S. business.
anastasia - christchurch - on Sun Jun 7 20:50:42 NZST 1998.

Impressive pages actually I am looking to conact a member of one of your opposing forces who appeared on the news not long ago. Excuse me I forgot to introduce myself I am Sextus Antonius Flatus the Primus pilus Centurion of the IX Legion. I am trying to find a member of "The Order" in Dunedin Mark Baxter he is a Legion intelligence member who has been long overdue to report the activities of the dreaded Lindskis headed by Gregor (the dishonorable in Legion circles due to some of hi means of aquiring things). If you know him or of him feel free to ICQ me 5477918. I am unsure of the activities of late of the regiments in Dunedin so if you wish feel free to contact me on the above. Note: We of the IXth Legion currently have no political issues to be resolved with Alfs Imperial Army nor do we presume any affiliation of importance with the Lindskis of 1991-1994. Thankyou for your time SPQR
Sextus Antonius flatus - Deep South New Zealand - on Thu May 14 21:57:40 NZST 1998.

Impressed by your vision and fully loyal to the cause, I wish to aid in the overthrow of an illegitimate government and the restoration of monarchy in this country. Being currently within its borders I am unable to say more but believe I have acquired the local knowledge necessary for espionage and am stocking flour supplies ready for the call to arms. Your most obedient servant and loyal follower (etc.)
- Bay Area, California - on Mon May 4 19:24:13 NZST 1998.

To all Good Loyal Lads. This is the second time I've managed to tame the net, and the first time I've managed by myself. Great to hear from Smirf & the Saxon in Blighty. Keep the flag flying. We are planning an English Extravaganza for St George's Day 2000 to combat Paddy's Day. Very best wishes to Willie Killum & his troopers, and to Awax (if he ever manages to find us - see you at the Forge) Compass/Murjak
Compass-Murjak - Ch-ch NZ - on Mon Apr 27 19:26:54 NZST 1998.

Dear Sir, Taking time out from my busy schedule, working on UK wireless-type transmissions, just want to wish all the chaps all the best for the big push. One will be seeing lots of UK based Alfs this Easter Weekend, shall rally them once more to your call! Keep up the good work! Yours in grovelling servitude to Her majesty The Queen, Empire, Alf's Imperial Army etc, I remain, Ensign Smurf, GCM etc, (retired.)
Craig "Smurf" Young - Bristol, The U.K. - on Fri Apr 10 00:39:41 NZST 1998.

Just logging in to salute and to pledge my support (and any other bits of surgical equipment handy) for the invasion and reconquest of America. I'll have my chaps start ammassing old newspaper and sellotape immediately. Paul Geddes, Sergeant, 3rd New Edinburgh Highland Regiment (Dunedin), Alf's Imperial Army
Sgt. Geddes, 3NEH, Alf's Army - On leave in Birmingham, U.K. - on Tue Mar 3 03:33:18 NZDT 1998.

Yeah, I'll join.
stephen rupert caron - Ontario, Canada - on Sun Nov 30 03:08:45 NZDT 1997.

17 Apr 1997 16:49:58 +0800 From: Mital Pate Organization: Demon Internet Ltd To: Having recently been in Christchurch to witness one of your shows, and coming across your web site my imagination has been captured what you have to say. As a staunch British Imperialist your plan to invade America interests me greatly. I realise, however, that you are actively recruiting in Canada and the Southern American states but I would like to offer my services to you in any capacity that you would see fit. Although I am currently situated in Britain I feel that I would be able to contribute to your plans. I also feel that I would look Damn fine in one of your Uniforms, although I feel a pith helmet may be a little too much. Any reply would be gratefully recieved At your service, Bob Sturman
Bob Sturman - UK - on Sat Aug 30 01:25:03 NZST 1997.

THE BOOTS ON LINE (2nd Duke of Wellingtons' Own Boots Regt. Alf's Imperial Army") 1/ , , , 2/ , 3/, 3/ , 4/,5/ , 6/ , 7/,8/>, 9/ , 10/, 11/, 12/ ..................... What wonders has God wrought! The marvels of the age of steam will never cease. The Boots have gone on line with our own E-mail address. I do not really hold with all this technical jiggery-pokery myself but Recruit Timbo has brought the devil's own technology into my own home. So now all kinds of spawn of Satan can connect with the cathode ray moving picture box by way of telegraph wires and even across the waters through the means of man-made moons in the heavens. It will never replace the penny postage you know. Lieut. Noel Ellis, Officer Commanding. Wellington Boots Regiment. From the Desk of the Adjutant, The 2nd Duke of Wellington's Own Boots Regt, Alfs Imperial Army, Godzone, The Empire. God save The Queen! Wizard save The Empire!
Wellington "Boots" Regiment, Alf's Imperial Army - Wellington NZ - on Sat Aug 30 01:03:13 NZST 1997.

To Contents

© ArchWizard of New Zealand 1997.
Designed by Actech Media.
Hosted by CyberMall New Zealand.
Questions and comments to