December 14, 2003

*RRRING* "Yes, hello? No, Allah has not turned on the TV yet. He just woke up. Why? Saddam is on TV? Glorious! Did he make a new video? No? Well, why else would he be on tele--- ALLAH WILL CALL YOU BACK."

Let Allah just boot up his computer here. Okay, deep breaths. Perhaps, perhaps he has become a shahid in a glorious martyrdom operation, yes? Let us go to the Jew Fox News site--OH NO. NO, FUCK. Okay, okay. Maybe--maybe he looked proud and defiant as they captured him. Yeah! Maybe he had on his mujahid army uniform and that fruity little black beret and OH JESUS FUCK, NO. Okay, all right, Allah has to keep it together here. He can handle this. Just so long as there is no gloating by the Jew. Allah can swallow any infidel bullshit except gloOH GOD, WHY? WHY MUST ALLAH SUFFER SO?

Okay, well, it's been greating knowing you, kufr. Allah has to go take care of something now. Have a great life!

Click below for UPDATES.

UPDATE: John "Satan" Hawkins has the photo(shop) of the day. Click and scroll down.

UPDATE: The Mesopotamian is all over it.

UPDATE: The oppressor known as "Kevin" is soliciting conspiracy theories.

UPDATE: DebkaFile says Saddam wasn't in hiding, he was being held captive. Hmmmm. Most captives aren't armed, are they?

UPDATE: Elsewhere in the Middle East, it's business as usual. Meanwhile, Iranian President Mohammed Khatami tells a meeting of European scholars that not only is Iran "the best democracy in the region," but Islam forbids the production of nuclear weapons. Oh really? "President Khatami? Former President Rafsanjani calling for you on line one."

UPDATE: Memories, light the corners of my miiiiiiind. . . .

Allahu Akbar.

Posted by Allah at December 14, 2003 12:35 PM | TrackBack

You forgot to blame the Great or Little Satan's....

Posted by: Cinciphil at December 14, 2003 01:00 PM

Wait! You can't leave like that, oh Scared...I mean Sacred One. You really should go check on your mullahs in Iran. They must be feeling funny in their pants, and not in a good way. When Iranian students see that Saddam can be brought before his people in a trial, well, there's no telling what cursed ideas may sprout in their mushy skulls! Oho!

Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at December 14, 2003 01:08 PM

They actually caught Tom Hanks in "Castaway"

Posted by: Shmees at December 14, 2003 01:11 PM

How bummed are you now, Allah!

Posted by: Macker at December 14, 2003 01:13 PM

I would ask if he saw his shadow and if we're getting six more weeks of winter, but winter hasn't even officially started yet!

Posted by: BarCodeKing at December 14, 2003 01:15 PM

No bomb, no virgins Allah. You know the deal. You made up the rules and now you want to cheat?

Posted by: Elmo at December 14, 2003 01:15 PM

Now, now, O Lord of All Spider-Holes ... just think what fun the trial will be? You have to stick around for that! Perhaps Saddam will be manly and speak out against the infidels who have arrested him, or maybe he will be whiny woman-boy who cannot speak above a whisper. Let's see!

Posted by: Captain Ed at December 14, 2003 01:23 PM

Allah is in de house...
Allah is in de shop...
Allah is in denial...
Allah is in despair!


Posted by: Joan of Argghh! at December 14, 2003 01:23 PM

Don't worry Allah - it's all smoke and mirrors.
The LLL have everything under control.
Saddam will be back soon enough to rip out the colon of the dissenter.

If not, then look on the bright side; After Saddam's death sentence - the two of you can share stories together in your virigin paradise.

Posted by: free speech is only for uber-libs at December 14, 2003 01:34 PM

oh allah, do not despair. after all, are there not still millions of wannabe martyrs willing to stick 20 lbs of tnt in their pants (for the ULTIMATE funny feeling) and blow up infidels of all ages?
hang in there big guy - er, sorry, poor word choice - be strong oh mighty one. perhaps there are some women in afgahnistan who need a rock or two thrown at their heads? or you could go hang out - damn! sorry, there's that word again - VISIT atta and watch his Sept. 11 bloopers video. that should cheer you up.

Posted by: who? at December 14, 2003 01:42 PM

Oh great one, don't feel despair. Remember . . . you have Arafat, old, blind clerics and all those deeply religious, bawdy, oops I mean brawny (snicker, snicker,) Saudi princes left to fight all your battles for you.

Posted by: Nell at December 14, 2003 01:49 PM

The infidel does not have our heroic leader. Surely, our President would have his pockets full of American eyeballs if they had had the misfortune to meet him. The cowardly zionist tools are shooting each other for fear of having to face the brave patriot Saddam.

There is no capture. There are no tanks in Baghdad. We are not afraid of the Americans. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid. They are stupid and they are condemned.

The American press is all about lies! All they tell is lies, lies and more lies! I have detailed information about the situation...which completely proves that what they allege are illusions . . . They lie every day.

Saddam has not been captured. Our noble leader would die before allowing himself to fall into the hands of the American pigs!

Ahhhhhh....who the fuck am I kidding?

Posted by: Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf at December 14, 2003 01:59 PM

Well, Allah, at least you'll have your glorious victories in the Weblog Awards.

Posted by: Pablo at December 14, 2003 02:06 PM

You think YOU'RE having a bad day!?!? How do you think I feel? You're not the one being humiliated on international TV while some infidel doctor picks through my beard looking for lice!
Besides, I thought you had my ass covered! Or did you fall asleep on the job?

Posted by: Saddam at December 14, 2003 02:18 PM
Besides, I thought you had my ass covered! Or did you fall asleep on the job?


Could you not at least have shaved beforehand? Your beard looks so gay.

Posted by: Allah at December 14, 2003 02:20 PM

Allah, sorry, but you will only cause yourself more pain by the ARE Immortal, aren't you? So just relax...until they start the know the one...where the Iraqi's buy a ticket to see who gets to punch Sadam's? Imagine all the money raised...for school children in Iraq to learn something other than bomb-making and torture. Then you'll have something to weep about. And all the virgins won't ever be able to get Allah's pants back in shape again. Save you on some dry-cleaning, eh?

Posted by: salomeh at December 14, 2003 02:51 PM

"Lousy" day, huh, moon god? If would help, I'd be delighted to loan you a stool and the service of my kicking leg. Hell, even cave-dwelling illiterate Afghanis are beginning to pity you for your irrelevance.

At least now the mystery is solved as to why you didn't "shake the ground under our feet" in Iraq. You'd have lost this glorious Saladin, buried alive in his newest "palace."


Posted by: Model4 at December 14, 2003 03:16 PM

I just wonder if we'll see Dean with a bandage around his hand after he slammed his fist in anger against a wall upon learning the news.

(Must supress the need to gloat...must suppress the need to gloat....)

Posted by: Crash at December 14, 2003 03:47 PM

Mot�rhead congratulates members of the 4th Infantry Division and US Special Forces who rooted out Saddam:

122k .WAV file

The Ace of Spades

Posted by: Michael at December 14, 2003 03:58 PM

Unreal. This site made me collapse in laughter. Parody Akbar.

Posted by: koontayo at December 14, 2003 04:05 PM

Ahh memories, memories... :)

Posted by: Rummy at December 14, 2003 04:08 PM

It is not Saddam. It's a reincarnation of Karl Marx. Just look at that revolutionary beard.

Posted by: MikeO at December 14, 2003 04:30 PM

Poor Allah. Now we know what that funny feeling is in your pants. Saddam's lice!

Posted by: Julie at December 14, 2003 04:39 PM

LOL, Julie.
Allah, just look on the bright side. You don't have to listen to him and Osama bitching at each other... at least not for a little while...

Posted by: Kathy K at December 14, 2003 04:43 PM

O Great and Benificent Allah, look down upon me with your Beatific Face of Light. I just ...ummm...'won the lottery,' and I need good investment advice.

What does the Lord tell me to do with 25 million dollars? I have heard that Paris is beautiful in Winter...

Posted by: Mrs. Saddam at December 14, 2003 05:18 PM

neener neener neener

Posted by: George W Bush at December 14, 2003 07:07 PM

But, but, all the liberal media assured us that a secularist like Saddam would NEVER have anything to do with your most devout followers.

So, how can you be upset with the defeat of a secularist?

Posted by: Kufr Jackal at December 14, 2003 10:19 PM

O Allah, I see how you have located a photograph of our sexy Chiraq from long ago. It pains me to see photographs from those days, when we French were so chic. Now life is strange and bitter. These days my daughter must wear a head scarf and the arab boys steal my car every week and mug my grandmother on her way home from the cemetery where she goes to visit the grave of my grandfather (a proud Vichy policeman). If we French become Muslims will you fix it so we can go back to our sexy and fashionable and successful lives? Oh Allah, I am so confused, what should I do? I don't understand this. . . Islam. What does it mean? You seem like a fun guy. Yet all these arab boys keep saying they're going to kill me. I don't know what to do. Can you help?

Posted by: Jean-Claude at December 14, 2003 10:43 PM

Oh Allah you silly little boy, why did you let Sadam walk home drunk that night, psha! Now it will just be you and Osama, and we catch him, you will be all lonley and what not.

Posted by: Monster Kabasue at December 14, 2003 11:52 PM

O Creator of Worlds! A couple caption suggestion for the Chirac/Saddam picture.

1) Chirac & Saddam: One down, one more to go.
2) Of course the French like Saddam, he surrendered without a fight.

Posted by: TBP at December 15, 2003 03:25 AM

I am terribly disappointed in you, Allah! Saddam gets pulled out of the ground like the worm he is and you start whining...and cry out "OH JESUS FUCK, NO." Jesus?! Oh what a shameful thing for the Creator Of Worlds to say! Tsk, tsk!


Posted by: Zonker at December 15, 2003 11:45 AM

That is how smart Allah is..They (US) give you (Saddam) a choice to leave the country and pray all you want to this Allah dude and what those he (Allah) tell you? Go fight the Empire!!!

Great way to go all mighty Allah.. What a tool.. Man allah must be smokeing some good shit when he told this to Saddam. Yeah fight the United States Empire...Go for it..Don't worry ill help you...When Saddam said ok and started to go...All you see in the back ground was Allah winking his eye at his buddys and saying " I told you i can make these people do anything" Next day at work Allah was the talk of the office..HAHAHAH

Posted by: Allah Co-worker at December 15, 2003 11:48 PM

The streets of heaven are guarded "by United States Marines" according to the song. There may not be ANY virgins left, let alone 77, or 72 or whatever the number is...

Posted by: timmac at December 16, 2003 06:43 AM
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