December 18, 2003

You know what Allah could really use right now? More P.R. problems. Yeah. The fatwa on Snuggles the fabric-softener bear did not do quite enough to weird out the rest of the world; bringing "Jacko" into the fold should seal the deal. Allah's deepest thanks, as always, to Minister Louis Farrakhan: Between this and that shit you told Tim Russert about "Yakub" and the spaceship, Allah's credibility should recover in, oh, about 10,000 years. As for Jacko, Allah wishes him to know that the virgins bestowed upon glorious shahids come in only one gender, and they are all of age. If this presents a problem, Allah suggests you look elsewhere. Oho! But enough--Iraqis are not the only ones with whining to do. Here is Allah's week thus far. Big Daddy Saddy is in the pen, his expressions of defiance now reduced to refusing to take a leak; the Saudis have backed out of next week's jihad conference in Houston, dashing Allah's hopes for a big Wahhabi hoedown on Christmas Eve; the Mother of All Shortstops slips further through the mujahedeen's figures, bringing joy to the oppressor and causing millions of New Englanders to consider martyrdom operations; given the chance to berate a top Zionist for his people's crimes, treacherous Iranians instead beg the Jew to come kill their leaders; and worst of all, kufr, worst of all . . . Allah's special lady proves herself to be a complete jillhole. Did you see the two episodes this week? First she is letting strange men kiss her bottom at the county fair, then she is saying how she likes to watch mujahids kiss, then she is wearing some kind of leather cowboy hat and sunglasses that make her look like fucking Richie Sambora, then she is fisting cows, and then she is doing that fake crying thing in front of that guy she ripped off, which Allah must admit made him laugh. Woman! Your mischievous hijinx and ass-cheek-revealing garments have once again coaxed Allah's pants into a state of readiness. Allah is wondering--would you be impressed if he killed a prominent political leader of some sort? Based on your behavior, he is kind of expecting that you would be. The only question is, which leader? Oho! As if Allah did not already have someone in mind.

Let us move on, as there is much to discuss. Allah just got off the phone with Terry McAuliffe and we have agreed on three basic talking points for Democrats in the wake of Big Daddy Saddy getting picked up.

  • Point #1: "Where's Osama? Gotta have Osama!" This is your first option, kufr, since it is foolproof: They will never catch Osama because Osama is at home in his mansion in Paradise right now, running his hands up and down that leg lamp Allah gave him. Get it? You will never take him alive because you already fucking killed him! The joke is on you, Bush!
  • Point #2: "They captured Saddam months ago!" If this were true, would they not have announced the capture in November, when they were taking heavier casualties and lots of heat from the press? Logic is for Jews and Republicans, right? For extra credit, you simply must mention the dates.
  • It brings the whole thing to life.

  • Point #3: Combine elements of points #1 and 2. This is a tricky maneuver, and probably should not be attempted unless you have served as Secretary of State in a Democratic administration. So in case Warren Christopher happens to be reading this, go for it, bro. In fact, if you are feeling really bold, try arguing this point after making point #1. See how long it takes the person you are talking with to detect the contradiction. If they fail to detect it, then you are probably talking to a radical Muslim there, homes. Quick, blame the whole thing on the Jew! Allahu Akbar!
  • If you are still stuck at this point, fall back on the "search warrant" bullshit. It is not much, but it has been known to elicit a solid deer-in-the-headlights look when delivered forcefully. Above all, be mindful that these talking points will not last forever, and that the key to successfully haranguing people about your country's successes down the road is to stay current. Here is your master list; Allah will be testing you as we get closer to Saddam's head being put in a noose and to the election. And speaking of which, kufr, did you see that Dean-o is about ready to lock up the nomination? Glorious news--and yet, oddly, it is his supporters who look sad and the oppressor who looks so damned happy. . . .

    Anyway, back to Iraq. Are you not feeling a little sympathy for Saddam yet? Not even a little? He is a broken man. Everyone has deserted him. Those people he gassed say they want to "[bite] off his flesh with [their] teeth" and "pour boiling oil on [his] head and cut his flesh into pieces." That is kind of disturbing and Mike-Tyson-y of them, don't you think? Other people have been keeping lists on who has been naughty and nice, and it turns out that not only is Saddam in the "naughty" column, but the list pertaining to his naughtiness weighs 18 tons--so, you know, looks like coal in the ol' stocking this year! Even Saddam's friends are not spared: The new Iraqi foreign minister's remarks to the UN yesterday reminded Allah of that superkick to the face Ferris Bueller's sister delivered to Principal Ed Rooney when he broke into their house. Allah could almost hear the soundtrack as he read: "Jeannie . . . Shana. . . ." And then, of course, there is the ultimate indignity, which Allah shall simply link to and comment upon no further. Go ahead, though, kufr, question him all you want; beat him up, deprive him of sleep, give him the full "good Jew, bad Jew" treatment if it makes your pants feel funny. You are not going to get anything out of him about weapons of mass destruction. And do you know why? Because there aren't any. None. Zip. Zero. It is like, do you believe that fucking jackass? He had twelve years after Gulf War I to bring A-double-lizzle the Bomb, and what did he spend his time doing instead? Playing with himself and writing shitty novels. Right, because instead of actually having an atomic bomb to use against the Jew, Allah much prefers to just read about it in the long-awaited sequel to fucking "Zabibah and the King". Schmuck. Praise be to myself that there were some people in Iraq who knew what to do with the extra time you gave them last spring when you were busy playing paddy-cake with the UN. On behalf of all the "insurgents," thanks for the heads up!

    We must move now to an important subject which Allah shall introduce in the form of a question: How does it feel to know that, for once, the French have bigger stones than you do? Do you think Allah is exaggerating? Compare the fact that "there is a conviction, both within the [French] government and among a large swath of society, that the veil is as much a defiant political challenge as it is a religious display" with your own judiciary's feelings on a related subject. Glorious. Will you be converting to Sunni or Shiite Islam, kufr? Or perhaps you prefer dhimmitude? Whichever; as the saying goes, death before "confrontation". You know, if it is indoctrination you are worried about, the Saudis might be able to help you out: They have come up with a plan to end terrorism by spreading shari'a. Oho! That is like trying to kill tumors by injecting them with asbestos. Chop off a few hands, stone a few women to death, sit back, and watch the bombings disappear. Even better than the peace plan Abdullah gave to his valet that time, eh? And speaking of radical Islamic attempts to "fight" terrorism, Allah wishes you to know that Iran is finally free of that pesky reform movement and is once again "doing its best" to combat extremism. That means no more incitement (or, at least, nothing worse than what you might hear on the average American college campus), no more capital punishment for political opponents, no more secret Russian missile defense systems to shoot down Jew planes that might want to attack our nuclear reactor (and if you did not believe that story when Allah mentioned it on Monday because it came from DEBKA, compare it to this BBC report filed later that same day). Nada. All Iran wants now is to live in peace and pursue its dreams of nuclear "energy" with the billions of dollars which the head of the Iraqi governing council, who coincidentally happens to be the leader of the main Iran-affiliated Shiite party, wants to pay to Iran as "compensation" for the war between the two countries during the 1980s. Oho! And you thought the Jew had a problem with "dual loyalty"! Wait until your soldiers pull out and A-double-lizzle gets cracking on Khomeini v2.0.

    That is enough for now, as Allah has some Christmas shopping to do for his infidel friends. He is going to buy the lovely and much-missed Red Sugar a gift certificate for her glorious puppy to take a photo with Santa, and then he is going to get his buddy Hesiod one of those awesome Twin-Towers-in-flames "war rugs" which the New York Times finds so "kitschy", and then, for those of you who think that Osama (a) is still alive and (b) would give even the slightest shit that Muslims were killed in a terrorist attack, he is going to get a copy made of the Satanic Puppy's Imperial Cluebat and beat you over the fucking head with it. While Allah is gone, you may entertain yourselves by reading of the big Mossad meet-up in Paris happening this week. The usual suspects are in attendance. Once you are done with that, go here and consider the glorious possibility of a monster attack on the Vatican to coincide with Christmas. Do you think we are stupid enough to try it and royally piss off a billion people in the process, kufr? Oho! Were we stupid enough to take on the world's greatest military for the sake of a few skyscrapers without any fucking back-up plan whatsoever? Allahu Akbar! But Allah knows what some of you are thinking. You are thinking, "Why do they want to hit the Vatican when that jerkoff cardinal just came out strong in support of Saddam?" Oho! Come close; Allah wants to smack you with the Cluebat again. You should know by now how the mujahedeen's minds work: If a man is willing to appease now, how much more willing will he be after we drop a couple tons of explosives on his doorstep? Glorious! We shall see what happens, but Allah will tell you this--if it does go down, he is going to celebrate by coming down there, sprinting into the charred ruins of St. Peter's, lifting up a pillar and pulling out a cell phone to make a congratulatory phone call to Osama. "Can you hear me now? Good!"

    Allahu Akbar.

    Posted by Allah at 10:31 AM | Comments (10) | TrackBack (1)

    By the way, kufr, have any of you seen Allah's noose?

    Allahu Akbar.

    Posted by Allah at 09:15 AM | Comments (8) | TrackBack (2)

    December 17, 2003

    This Jew wishes to continue! »

    Posted by Allah at 02:03 PM | Comments (34) | TrackBack (5)

    December 16, 2003

    What? It is cool to be a Jew now? Who made this decision? Why is Allah always the last to know? Look, kufr, it is one thing for the Wahhabist ambassador to your country to use words like "chutzpah", because, you know, when in Rome. But it is a very different matter when Allah sees hipster jihadis walking around in "Shalom Motherfucker" t-shirts. Do not make Allah come down there, homes, because he will hide behind a corner and take aim with that Jew supergun, OH YES. We shall see how easy it is to say "Allahu Akbar" with your jaw blown off, traitor. But enough! It is Secret Santa day in Paradise and Allah has just opened his gift! Glorious! It is just what Allah wanted! Okay, well, maybe Allah would have preferred the DOA Uday doll, which is so fucking cool Allah cannot even believe it, but after all, it is the genocidal thought that counts. Anyway, Saddam is looking kind of bulky in the arms there, is he not, kufr? Oho! He was doing push-ups in his little shithole before you found him. As cool as the Saddam doll is, though, wait until you hear what A-double-lizzle got for his Secret Santa person, who just happened to be Osama. Allah went over to his house dressed up as a deliveryman and knocked and said, "You have just won a major award." Then Allah carried it in and popped the cover off, and lo and behold: Leg Lamp Akbar! Allah knew, of course, that "A Christmas Story" is, like, Osama's favorite movie EVER, so we re-enacted the whole scene just for a goof. Osama even pointed to the box and said, "Look, it must be Italian. It says 'Fra-JEE-lay.' " Oho! Then we set it up and the room came alive with the soft glow of electric sex shining in the window. All Allah could do is sputter and say, "It's--it's indescribably beautiful." And before he knew it, his glorious pants had returned to life. Did you know Allah was a leg man? In a big way.

    It is news time now. Allah hears that Saddam is a "broken" man. Does Allah care? No, for two reasons. First, because Saddam was such a slack-jawed 'tard that it turns out he was actually carrying around a briefcase full of terrorist documents with him. A plot device like that would have been rejected as too easy for a Scooby-Doo cartoon, kufr. And second, because after seeing this photo, not only does Allah not care what happens to him, he will actually help you think up shit to do to him. Just let Allah speak to his people first to get them on board, because right now the whining about humiliation is at such a pitch that even Osama is looking for the Excedrin. In the meantime, we must savor the irony that what an Israeli assassination squad could not achieve, Jewish lawyers will. Oho! Allah will take his chances with Moshe Dayan any day; it is when the Jew brings out Alan Dershowitz that we head for the hills. And speaking of which, it is full speed ahead with the trial, eh? The charges are damning, so Allah knows you will take care to address Al Jazeera's newfound concerns about fairness and due process in criminal trials. Put it this way: You know the fix is in when even Peres is out for blood. And yet, for some odd reason, it is Iraqis themselves who are feeling the funniest in the pants. Let Allah share a few select quotes with you:

    "At some stage it would be good for him to be put in a cage in Baghdad for people to spit on him."
    "This man has killed hundreds of thousands of people. If he has to be killed once, I think he has to be resurrected hundreds of times and killed again," said council member Mouwafak al-Rabii, a human rights activist who was imprisoned under Saddam.

    Tell Allah how you really feel, Mouwafak. In any case, since we are still only in the pre-trial discovery stage, may Allah ask the other side's attorney to kindly stop badgering Allah's witness? These theatrics may play well with the Politburo, but Allah can assure you that the Bolsheviks "on the ground" are not so easily entertained. Besides, did not Dean only yesterday pay lip service homage to your little buddy? Oho! Allah likes that part at the end about the envoy!

    It is lucky for you that your current president, the "son of the viper", the "piece of living, breathing shit", is not as "sensitive" as his predecessor, is it not?

    That is enough for today. Even now the future of the caliphate is being determined and Allah wants to go find a progress report. Also, he wants to try re-reading this WaPo article after smoking a bowl. Allah thinks it will help. A LOT. Above all, though, he has people to console. French Muslims are sad because they will not be exempted from procedures everyone else has to follow. British Muslims are sad because Bush and Blair will be exempted from procedures Saddam Hussein has to follow. Frankenstein is sad--and desperate and terrified--over the fact that Saddam left something at his house and forgot to come pick it up. And of course, the Arab press is sad that Saddam did not kill a bunch of people or at least himself when the crusader came knocking. Which reminds Allah: How come the Arab press, which expressed so much concern for and solidarity with Iraqis during the war, is so grumpy about Saddam's capture when the Iraqi press is euphoric about it? Allah sees two possible explanations: (1) Arab media's expressions of "concern" for Iraqis are merely the lever by which it pursues its true goal, namely, indoctrinating its readers with anti-Americanism; or (2) the Jew. Given that choice, it is clear which explanation is the correct one. Tell Allah, then--how did you do it, Jew?

    UPDATE: Has "Red Irish" surrendered? Or been captured? Either way, permit Allah to quote one of his personal heroes: "GAME OVER, MAN."

    Allahu Akbar.

    Posted by Allah at 11:33 AM | Comments (17) | TrackBack (4)

    Kufr? How come when things go wrong in Iraq it is the fault of "Team Bush" but when things go right it is "We" who have done it? Oho!

    Allah does not usually read books by people named "Goldberg" but he is going to check this one out!

    Allahu Akbar.

    Posted by Allah at 01:44 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack (4)

    December 15, 2003

    Get well soon, C.P.!

    Allahu Akbar.

    Posted by Allah at 09:24 PM | Comments (5) | TrackBack (0)

    Finally, a contest which the Jew could not rig. Under normal circumstances this occasion would warrant some pants-oriented festivities, but how can Allah feel funny in the slacks when his people are in bondage? Truly, he should have known something was up when the Prophet Tim Russert began having visions on Friday night. Ah well. Let us not dwell on the humiliation of Saddam's capture, as it is of such a magnitude that every shahid on earth would have to blow himself up about fifteen fucking times to balance the ledger. How he was caught "like a rat" (kudos to the Jew headline-writer for his "ferret" pun); how he smelled like Atta; how he was "probably" treated to "a most thorough and invasive body search"; how he had to endure the insults of Iraqi leaders and the Antichrist alike; and, above all, the fact that he looked like the "Bum Fights" guy when they brought him in. Remember when terrorists used to be sexy? Alas--there are probably not too many of Allah's readers wishing they could be the meat in a Saddam/Khaled Sheikh Mohammed sandwich right now. But enough. We must forge ahead. Let us stay the course and stick with what got us here: Blowing shit up, blaming the Jew, and whining incessantly to anyone who will listen. Allahu Akbar!

    In any case, you are not going to get anything out of him during interrogation. Allah does not care how tough the questioning is or which of your fruity friends you bring in to help out. What kind of information could he possibly have? Do you think he had a Blackberry with him in that little shithole you found him in? Oho! You will just have to make do with the "descriptive written material of significant value" he was found with and, er . . . the information about the insurgency he is currently providing to your interrogators. SHIT. Allah cannot fucking believe this. Seriously, kufr, how much of an asshole do you have to be to have America, Israel, Iran, and the Communists all lined up on the other side? Is there not anyone who likes this douchewad? Oho! There is one people, isn't there? Peace be upon you, savages! Pay no mind to what the Jew-run Iraqi media tells you: Long after the celebrations are over and every Iraqi has busted his nut, the hatred shall endure. Indeed, let Allah take this opportunity to give thanks to those who either stood by us or took some of the heat off of us in our darkest hour:

  • Robert Fisk. "[T]he nightmare is over - and the nightmare is about to begin. For both the Iraqis and for us." Oho! Has anyone been a more glorious defender of, or been beaten more savagely by, the mujahedeen than he?

  • The New York Times. Semper fi.
  • "Activists." "Spokesman Andrew Burgin said the 'We Got Him' line from Paul Bremer, Iraq's US administrator, was 'very cowboy.' "
  • John Kerry. To know him is to love him.
  • Pro-Baathist Iraqis. " 'It happened, but we can't believe it happened,' Mousab said. 'It means that darkness has overtaken light, that night in Iraq will last for a very long time.' "
  • Above all, the infidel far left. It is like, Allah cannot believe that Mossad agent Michael J. Totten was voted best liberal blog. What kind of "liberal" cheers the end of a fascist dictatorship? Kevin Aylward, disqualify that Jew!
  • Enough. Now that you have "the modern-day Hitler" in your grasp--although he cannot be Hitler since you would not make a deal with Hitler, would you?--we may proceed to yesterday's real news. Namely, that the mujahedeen came within a few minutes of having their hands on the Bomb. Oho! Allah will trade you one formerly powerful Iraqi skell for 24 to 48 nuclear weapons any day of the week, kufr. And if he cannot get them from your wacky Paki "ally", he knows just where to go. Behold:

    DEBKAfile’s military sources: Russia has sold Iran advanced 300-A air defense missile system – against Washington’s objections - to defend its controversial Bushehr nuclear reactor. This was discovered Sunday when two missiles were fired accidentally during installation, killing at least two and injuring 20 aboard a minibus and causing heavy damage in town. Casualties and damage believed more extensive than admitted by Tehran.

    Oho! Assuming we can figure out how to work that shit, this time A-bomb hits back!

    Allah must go now and see if anything can be done to spice up his pants. If he reads too many more quotes like this, he might go limp 'til the end of time:

    "The Arab governments are in deep trouble now," says Hisham Kassem, the chairman of the Egyptian Organization of Human Rights in Cairo. "None of them want to see the stabilization of a democratic Iraq. Then they will have to ask the question, who is No. 2? While Saddam Hussein is a psychopath, when it comes to governance every other regime in the region runs the same kind of dictatorship."

    Perhaps re-reading this story will help him out. Or perhaps a few pages from the new biography about the late Senator from South Carolina, "It's All Pink in the Middle: The Strom Thurmond Story," will do the trick. Or perhaps Allah will just immerse himself in good news. Whatever; he will let you know tomorrow how it turns out. In the meantime, let Allah say to the Iraqi people that regardless of what you choose to do with him, rest assured that Allah will deal with him appropriately in due course. It is true that to make a jihad omelette one must occasionally break a few eggs, but this motherfucker built his own International House of Pancakes, do you know what Allah is saying? For the suffering he has caused you, he shall be reckoned with; and you do not even need to go to the Koran to bank on that one.

    Deepest thanks to all who voted for Allah in the Wizbang awards. Allah's Readers Akbar!

    Posted by Allah at 11:47 AM | Comments (17) | TrackBack (2)

    December 14, 2003

    Not everyone is happy today, kufr. Not by a long shot.

    There is one reason to celebrate, though: It is Hamas's birthday! Happy Sweet 16, baby!

    Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’
    Though the streams are swollen
    Keep them dogies rollin’

    Don’t try to understand ’em
    Just rope, throw, and brand ’em
    Soon we’ll be living high and wide

    UPDATE: Palestinian mourning for Saddam reaches all the way to the top.

    Allahu Akbar.

    Posted by Allah at 04:46 PM | Comments (22) | TrackBack (1)

    *RRRING* "Yes, hello? No, Allah has not turned on the TV yet. He just woke up. Why? Saddam is on TV? Glorious! Did he make a new video? No? Well, why else would he be on tele--- ALLAH WILL CALL YOU BACK."

    Let Allah just boot up his computer here. Okay, deep breaths. Perhaps, perhaps he has become a shahid in a glorious martyrdom operation, yes? Let us go to the Jew Fox News site--OH NO. NO, FUCK. Okay, okay. Maybe--maybe he looked proud and defiant as they captured him. Yeah! Maybe he had on his mujahid army uniform and that fruity little black beret and OH JESUS FUCK, NO. Okay, all right, Allah has to keep it together here. He can handle this. Just so long as there is no gloating by the Jew. Allah can swallow any infidel bullshit except gloOH GOD, WHY? WHY MUST ALLAH SUFFER SO?

    Okay, well, it's been greating knowing you, kufr. Allah has to go take care of something now. Have a great life!

    Click below for UPDATES.

    This Jew wishes to continue! »

    Posted by Allah at 12:35 PM | Comments (35) | TrackBack (17)

    December 13, 2003

    Allah's hate mail is glorious beyond words, kufr!

    Hello, We were wondering if being a racist turns you on. If spreading hate to the world's largest religion and fastest growing religion in the USA, makes you happy then you could dance to your own tune with your finger up your butt. Showing your gealousy will not stop this great religion from growing. Will it be okay for us to add you to a racist site.
    I hope you don't mind as I will go ahead and add you to the racist list and have it publisihed across the world. Are you a Jew? Thank you Bravo.

    The god of radical Islam a Jew? Oho! That would be a neat trick even for Mossad. Allah is no more a Jew than the godless Bolshevik, who this afternoon wisely advised his readers to "Go learn Arabic, buy Koran, and convert now."

    While you are waiting for your first Arabic lesson to begin, do not forget to vote if you haven't yet (the polls close tomorrow) and to pay a visit to the Jew who shall win the award for Best Humor Blog next year: The profane, the bloodthirsty, the hilarious Iowahawk. Welcome to the blogosphere, Satan!

    Allahu Akbar.

    Posted by Allah at 09:58 PM | Comments (24) | TrackBack (0)

    December 12, 2003

    Allah's glorious Tom Friedman Photoshop is taking longer than expected, as it is not easy to parody a man who has become a parody of himself. So Allah decided to gather links for you instead, kufr. But which links? Should Allah present you with only the good news--that the mujahedeen have put your Establishment Clause to the sword; that the UN's top nuclear watchdog is concerned about a certain Middle Eastern country's nuclear weapons, and no, Allah does not mean Iran; that Hizb'Allah has produced the anti-Semitic television event of our time? Or should he instead offer you only the bad news--that the establishment of Crimson Jihad's caliphate is in jeopardy, and that his glorious lead in the Best Humor Blog category grows smaller by the hour as his shahids desert him before the Scrappleface/IDF onslaught? Or, rather, should the news he gives you be neither good nor bad but merely "interesting"--like the report that your president's genetic sequence is now available online, or the fact that Allah never thought he would live to see a day when this headline is newsworthy?

    It was while Allah was weighing these options that he visited one of his favorite blogs and read the excellent, excellent news. So instead of sending you to Al Jazeera or the Arab News or any of the other filthy, Jew-hating news sites I usually send you to, today I'd ask you to please visit Dawn's site and extend your warmest congratulations to her and her husband. And while you're there, perhaps you could make Allah happy by doing something else as well. In the past week, I've been lucky enough to receive a few extraordinarily generous donations from my readers, for which I'm deeply and eternally grateful. And while I can certainly use the money, I know Dawn's new son could use it more. So if any of you were or are planning to send a little holiday cheer Allah's way by hitting the PayPal for me, I'd ask that you head over to Dawn's blog and hit it for her instead. The donation button is at the bottom of her sidebar. (And yes, for tax reasons it's much better that you donate to her directly than donate to me so that I can then donate to her.) Even if all you can spare is a dollar, a single dollar from each of my readers would be quite a fantastic birthday present for a little mujahid.

    That's all for now. I'll try to put together another Photoshop for you this afternoon, but I've got a case of the warm and fuzzies right now and the warm and fuzzies do not good political comedy make. Anyway, Friedman next week. Scout's honor.

    Allahu Akbar.

    Posted by Allah at 01:41 PM | Comments (14) | TrackBack (0)