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Mercury News: Schott: Game 5 was `bitter pill' (October 9, 2003)

Billy Beane and the $50 million question.........It was an emotional situation when I was trying to defend my players when I thought an unfair analysis of this team was being made, it wasn't directed at the lack of funds. I understood we were playing against a very good baseball team and I wanted to explain that. What everybody wanted was `The Answer' to what couldn't be answered.
--posted by Repoz at 8:31 AM EDT


Discussion

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Posted 9:00 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#1) - Steve Schott
  If Billy spent a little less time writing bookds and a little more time working on our roster, we wouldn't be in this fix.

Posted 9:03 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#2) - Pfizer
  I think I'm going to become a columnist. If you're allowed to just randomly assign personality traits to ballplayers to create the facade of an article, it can't be that hard.

Why did you know that the Marlins serve soup at a shelter after every game? And they call their grandmothers between every inning? Every single one of them, without exception. Take that corporate America!

I won't even tell you about the Cubs, and how they have a stock ticker in the clubhouse so they can day-trade more effectively. And Sammy Sosa's bats are made from the bones of small children!

Posted 9:12 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#3) - Bud Selig
  This wouldn't happen if Admiral Ackbar had said "it's a trap!"

Posted 9:17 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#4) - Reich Limbaugh
  "And Sammy Sosa's bats are made from the bones of small children!"

Did he pull them out of their noses?

Posted 9:21 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#5) - Pfizer
  I like to post in the wrong thread. It turns me on.

Posted 9:27 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#6) - John Stamos
  If they use 10-10-987 when they call their grandmothers between innings, they can get nagged at.

My grandmother is going to kill me if she reads this.

Posted 9:34 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#7) - John Brattain
  "I like to post in the wrong thread. It turns me on."

You're wearing the Baseball Primer thong aren't you?

I tell ya,those things are bewitched (or in the case of Billy Beane webitched).

Best Regards

John

Posted 9:44 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#8) - Brad of this Nation
  "And Sammy Sosa's bats are made from the bones of small children!"

Does he pull out the marrow before putting in the cork?

Posted 9:54 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#9) - Admiral Ackbar
  Hey Bud, the salary cap is a trap!

Posted 10:04 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#10) - Allen Iverson
  What everybody wanted was `The Answer'

Yo!

Posted 10:14 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#11) - bob gaj
  michael lewis gets the easiest softballs thrown at him on cnbc, 120 pm EST today...

Posted 10:46 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#12) - Spock of Vulcan
  Take care young ladies and value your wine.
Be watchful of young men in their velvet prime.
Deeply they'll swallow from your finest kegs,
Then swiftly be gone, leaving bitter dregs.
Ah, bitter dregs.

With smiling words and tender touch,
Man offers little and asks for so much.
He loves in the breathless excitement of night,
Then leaves with your treasure in cold morning light.
Ah, in cold morning light.

Posted 11:02 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#13) - Joe G.
  I'm kind of glad this article was written to hear Schott's statements. Maybe I'm old school, but I didn't like Beane's 50 million dollar comment. It seemed to me that Billy was trying to come up with a sound byte, a sarcastic one liner. I realize that it is hip, cool, extreme, or whatever the appropriate term may be to do that these days, but Beane is the general manager of a multi-million dollar company that has some responsibility of professionalism.
Even if he wanted to make excuses, he could have still (1) congratulated his team and (2) spoke about the injuries to the pitching staff, and left it at that.

Posted 11:36 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#14) - Ken Lay(former Enron CEO)
  multi-million dollar company that has some responsibility of professionalism

No rules, just right

Posted 11:38 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#15) - Billy Beane
  My sh*t only works in the regular season. The playoffs is a crapshoot. With $50 million more I could have bought 50 million horseshoes!

Posted 11:58 a.m., October 9, 2003 (#16) - Kid Theo
  Well, Billy, my ____ works in the playoffs.

Posted 12:21 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#17) - taco tuesday
  ``Some people were using the `choke' word, which is a really bad word and that really bothered me.

as an a's fan i personally didn't consider what occured the 3 previous post seasons to be "the 'choke' word"...choking quite accurately descibes what they did this year imo...

Posted 12:21 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#18) - Black Hawk Waterloo
  I think Billy's comments were borne of frustration, and were issued as a sort of "shut up" to the reporters. That said, they were inappropriate, and if I were Steve Schott, I would be angered for the same reasons that he seems to be. You picked this bed, Billy, don't whine about the mattress now.

And what's more, $50 million was not the difference in this Series; the A's had scores of opportunities to put the BoSox away, and failed. The Red Sox were just better in those games, and took advantage of the A's mistakes.

Posted 12:27 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#19) - The Rock
  I don't think Billy Beane has the testicular fortitude to win in the postseason.

Posted 12:31 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#20) - The Rock
  I'm running for governor of New York.

Posted 12:34 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#21) - Ahnold schwartzenegger
  Thee Rock is a jabronee. If he wants to step into real politics, he'll come out to California.

Posted 12:48 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#22) - Old School
  Has anyone entertained the notion that Beane meant what he said about the $50 million and it was a message to his owner?

It's admirable what he does with a small payroll, but when he sees a team like Boston using the same principals, and spending the money to get the players to realize the vision - don't you think that has an effect? Just trying to get some thoughts "outside the box" going here.

Posted 12:55 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#23) - Billy "Beane" Chalmers
  It's admirable what he does with a small payroll, but when he sees a team like Boston using the same principals, and spending the money to get the players to realize the vision - don't you think that has an effect?

Skinner!

Posted 1:12 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#24) - Billy "Beane" Chalmers
  I'll just write the zero first, and now a horizontal line to cap off the 5........

(Red Sox fans stampede in and start stepping on his head)

Skinner! Why are these fans stepping on my head!

Posted 1:14 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#25) - Not Admiral Ackbar, but I stay at a Holiday Inn
  It's a trap!

Posted 1:14 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#26) - Skinner
  Uh, its Aurora Borealis.

Posted 1:15 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#27) - Black Hawk Waterloo
  Has anyone entertained the notion that Beane meant what he said about the $50 million and it was a message to his owner?

It's possible ... but isn't it easier to call him on the phone? If sending a message was his intent, then Billy was basically grandstanding by sending it through the press -- not to mention engaging in victimology. I wouldn't appreciate this very much if I were Steve Schott, especially because Beane had the opportunity to go play with the $50 million and turned it down. But, I would get over it, and imagine Schott will, as well.

Posted 1:16 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#28) - The T.Long situation
  Terrance Long: "The team doesn't respect me"

Chalmers: "Did that player say the team doesn't respect him"

Skinner: "No, he said the team doesn't bespectle him"

Chalmers: "I could have sworn he said respect"

Skinner: "I have a cold"

Chalmers: "So you would hear b's as r's"

Skinner: "Yes"

Posted 1:17 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#29) - Moe Jorgan
  No No your doing it wrong. The problem with Simpsons fans is that they don't know how to properly watch and quote the show

Posted 1:21 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#30) - Professor Frink
  I have run hundreds of computations and found that the missing ingredient to the A's is.........Love!?? who's been messing with my computer

Posted 1:22 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#31) - Ralph
  When I grow up I want to be a Yankee or a Caterpillar

Posted 1:23 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#32) - Lisa Beane
  My team will win a playoff series right after I marry a carrot

Posted 1:25 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#33) - Casual observer
  Division Series is to Oakland A's as danish is to Kent Brockman

Bart Epstein: "Yoink!!"

Posted 1:27 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#34) - Apu Beane to reporters asking about choking
  Shut up! Shut up! I can't believe you don't shut up!

Posted 1:27 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#35) - Troy McClure
  Shakashera Mesh Beane will you ever learn

Posted 1:30 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#36) - Millhouse Schott to Bart Beane
  Remember that time you lost the playoff series and then lied to me and said you never played in a playoff series. Then why did I have a ticket, Bart. Why did I have a ticket?!

Posted 1:30 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#37) - Billy McClure
  Hi I'm Troy Beane you may remember my by such playoff disasters as
Giambis non-slide and This years playoffs

Posted 1:33 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#38) - Billy Beane
  Thats it You have held me back long enough, I'm going to Clown school.

Posted 1:33 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#39) - Billy Beane in "Planet of the Apes: The Musical"
  BB: "Can I win a playoff series anymore"

Dr. Zeus: "I don't see why not"

BB: "Well I couldn't before"

Posted 1:36 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#40) - Marge
  primey for #39

Posted 1:37 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#41) - seymore "Derek" Lowe to A's fans
  Yes eat all of our shorts.

Posted 1:38 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#42) - Homer at Network Associates Coliseum
  Hurry up and lose so we can all go home!

Posted 1:39 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#43) - Groundskeeper Billy to reporters asking about choking
  Billy hears ya. Billy don't care.

Posted 1:41 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#44) - Homer and Moe Beane
  Homer: How come you never made the World Series Moe?

Moe Beane: Ah, probably the fact that I lost nine consecutive series clinching games. That and politics, its always politics.

Homer (angrily): Lousy Democrats!

Posted 1:41 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#45) - Theo Skinner after seeing Johnny Damon laying on the field
  Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! NNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Posted 1:43 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#46) - Moe and Homer Beane
  Moe: "You gotta come up with a roster that can win a post-season series"

Homer Beane: "Can't someone else do it!"

Posted 1:44 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#47) - Comic Book Guy
  Wurst.......Thread........Ever!

Posted 1:44 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#48) - John Stamos
  Dial 10-10-987!!!
It's cheap and easy.
Go to the phone right now and dial 10-10-987!
I said right now!

Go. Now. Dial 10-10-987.

You are still sitting there. Am I going to have to beat your ass? Dial 10-10-987 and then 1 plus the number. Do it now!

WHY ARE YOU STILL SITTING THERE READING THIS! I told you to dial 10-10-987! THEN ONE PLUS THE NUMBER!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! YOU HAVE A TELEPHONE DON'T YOU! CALL SOMEONE DIAL 10-10-987 THEN ONE PLUS THE NUMBER.

That's it. You've really pissed me off. I cease to be your friend.

Posted 1:46 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#49) - Bart Beane trying to lure Mo Vaughn to the A's
  You're perfect for the job. You're a big fat loudmouth...and you can walk when you have to

Posted 1:47 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#50) - Homer Lowe
  That team was the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever did suck. Oh, I gotta go, my damn weiner kids are here.

Posted 1:47 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#51) - Billy Tight lipps
  Reporter: Billy why are you losing all these post season games.
Billy Tight Lipps : I ain't saying nothing
Reporter: what do you want me to tell the fans
Billy Tight Lipps: Tell them to go suck a lemon

Posted 1:49 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#52) - Homer Beane's brain
  Brain: "$50 million dollars can buy many post-season victorys"

Homer Beane: "Explain how!"

Brain: "Money can be exchanged for goods and ballplayers"

Homer: "Woo-hoo!"

Posted 1:49 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#53) - C. Montgomery Steinbrenner
  Excellent.

Posted 1:50 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#54) - consensus
  primey for #48.

Posted 1:51 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#55) - Homer Beane to Magic Johnson
  Homer: "Magic, what happens when a GM's **** doesn't work in the playoffs?"

Magic: "Don't worry Homer. People like that are eventually exposed as the frauds they are"

Posted 1:52 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#56) - Homer Neyer
  This Friday, Billy Beane's team is playing Bill James' team. You're in direct competition! And don't go easy on each other just because you friends of mine. I want to see you both fighting for my love! (flicks light on and off) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight

Posted 1:53 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#57) - John Murphy
  That said, they were inappropriate, and if I were Steve Schott, I would be angered for the same reasons that he seems to be.

I think Schott should fire Beane and hire Steve Phillips. Then he wouldn't have to worry about losing any more games in the postseason. :-)

Posted 1:54 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#58) - Comic Book Beane
  You people mocking me! Oh, that is rich!

Posted 1:54 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#59) - Homer Zito and Barney Hudson
  With us pitching together not even God himself can stop us.
(God nudges a drunken Red Sox fan in their direction)
OH NO!!

Posted 1:56 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#60) - Homer Beane
  Oh, this is everyone's fault but mine.

Posted 1:58 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#61) - Billy Skinner to Bart Schott, who thinks Billy is upset with his lack of payroll resources
  Bart: "What's wrong Billy, can't you win a playoff series"

Skinner: "That's exactly the problem and you know it"

Bart: "What's that, you want me to cut the payroll by $20 million"

Skinner: "No, you're twisting my words"

Posted 2:00 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#62) - Bart Chavez and Milhouse Tejada
  Milhouse: Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.
Bart: Aw come on, I see you cry all the time. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when we're out of chocolate milk, you cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.
Milhouse: Well, I didn't want you to see me cry THIS time.

Posted 2:00 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#63) - C. Montgomery Burns
  A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as the Athletics post-season offense.

Posted 2:01 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#64) - Homer Beane after 1st pitch of game 5
  Homer Beane: I'm Going to warm up the car.
Mrs. Beane: But there has only been one pitch
Homer Beane: and it sucked

Posted 2:03 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#65) - Homer and Marge Beane
  Homer: God is teasing me! Just like he teased Moses in the desert!
Marge: *Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.

Posted 2:04 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#66) - A's Base runner inspector Homer
  Eric Burns be more safe.
Tejada safe enough. D'OH

Posted 2:06 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#67) - C. Montgomery Beane
  This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the game, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

Posted 2:08 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#68) - C. Montgomery Beane and Waylon Neyer
  Neyer: People like dogs Mr. Beane.
Mr. Beane: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots! Think about it, Neyer. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?
Neyer: If *you* did it, sir?

Posted 2:08 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#69) - C. Montgomery Beane
  Beane: were letting you go
Miguel Tehada: But I have been you best hitter
Beane: this is what good GM's call letting go your best players. and wondering why we cant win.

Posted 2:09 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#70) - Marge
  Primey for # 68

Posted 2:16 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#71) - Homer and Bart Beane
  Bart: Here Homer I got you this book "Chicken Soup for the Loser".
Homer: Hmmm is it any good?
Bart: I don't know but it inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of Laundromats.

Posted 2:19 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#72) - Tim McCarver
  Congratulations Billy Beane, you've won the American League Division Series! That's what I'd be saying to you if Terrence Long had gotten a hit, next!

Posted 2:24 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#73) - New German owners of the Oakland Athletics
  The following employees have been laid off:

Long, Terrence.

That is all.

Posted 2:26 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#74) - mojo
  Primey for the entire thread!!

Posted 2:27 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#75) - John Stamos
  Including my contributions, mojo?

Posted 2:27 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#76) - A.C. (homepage)
  Jermaine Dye: But coach, why are you sending in Adam Melhuse to pinch-hit for me? I've already got nine home runs today!

Ken Macha: You see, you and Derek Lowe are both right-handed, while Melhuse is a switch-hitter. It's called "playing the percentages".

Posted 2:33 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#77) - ESPN editer to Walon Neyer
  ESPN: Neyer when is your next article going to be posted.
Neyer: Let me check (turning on computer, Billy Beane appears on screen half naked) �Hello Neyer your quite good at turning me on� ��

Posted 2:38 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#78) - Marge and Homer Epstein
  Marge: "But who struck the hitters out?"

Homer: "I don't know, Derek Lowe I guess"

Marge: "Derek Lowe struck out 2 hitters looking! He's phenomemol"

Homer: "You're missing the point. It was a team effort, and I'm the guy who put together the team!"

Posted 2:40 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#79) - Homer and Marge Beane
  Marge: Why did the A's commit so many baserunning mistakes?
Homer: Because they're stupid. That's why everybody does everything.

Posted 2:42 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#80) - Smitty
  All right this is my kind of Baseball talk

Just one question

DON'T YOU HATE PANTS?

Posted 2:42 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#81) - Smitty
  Krusty the Beane: "OBP is the key to winning"
(Crowd boos)

Smitty: "Don't you hate pants?"

Posted 2:46 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#82) - Rex Beane-r
  Rex Beane-r: "I'll get you, playoff series win"

Playoff Series Win: "No you won't"

Rex Beane-r: "Yes I will"

Posted 2:49 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#83) - Homer Beane on post season stratagy
  Beane: theres the right way, the wrong way, and the Homer Beane way.

Bart Epstein: isn't that the wrong way.

Beane: yes, But faster.!

Posted 2:50 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#84) - C. Montgomery Macha and Homer Melhuse
  Homer Melhuse, you're hitting for Dye!

Darryl Dye: But coach, I've got 9 home runs today.

C. M. Macha: And they were wonderful. Now, SIT... DOWN!

Posted 2:53 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#85) - Comic Book Guy
  I'm watching you #84....that same joke has already been used twice

Posted 2:54 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#86) - Homer
  Does anyone care what #85 thinks

Posted 3:02 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#87) - billy Muntz
  so lose the playoffs if you must.
but be sure to lose Tejada and Long too.
because no none of this would be possible without
3 division titles
one wild card
and a hell of a lot of early exits.

Posted 3:04 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#88) - Homer the Coach
  Tejada, you're cut. Dye, cut. Chavez, oh you are so cut.

Posted 3:22 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#89) - Homer Epstein to Bart Beane
  Epstein: you tried your best and you failed miserable. the lesson is Never Try.

Posted 3:23 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#90) - Homer Lowe
  We're a good team. A groin-grabbingly good team!

Posted 3:25 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#91) - Guy giving a demonstration and Marge Beane
  Guy: "Who's gonna win a playoff series then, the Oakland A's"

Marge: "Now you're the one who's being naive"

Posted 3:25 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#92) - Maggie Beane
  Suck, Suck, Suck, Suck

Posted 3:27 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#93) - Bart Beane and Lisa Depodesta
  Bart: "We wait until Epstein comes out of his office to the League Championship Series and give him the hosing of a lifetime, leaving us relatively dry."

Lisa: "Relatively?"

Bart: "Well there's bound to be some splash-back"

Posted 3:30 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#94) - Homer Beane and Englishman Epstein
  Homer: "Hey buddy, where'd you get the win of that division series"

Englishman: "I stole it..when you let your guard down for that split second...and I'll do it again"

Posted 3:30 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#95) - Bart Beane to Lisa Beane
  So I says to Mable

Posted 3:31 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#96) - Lisa Beane
  We got beat!

Posted 3:35 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#97) - kirk VanBeane to Homer Epstein
  VanBeane: I sleep in a race car do you.
Epstein: I'm in a big series that may take me to the world series

Posted 3:36 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#98) - Billy Krabapple and Schott Skinner
  Krabapple: "We only want an increase in payroll to get some better players"

(Crowd murmers agreablly)

Skinner: "That's ridiculous. We can't afford more payroll. To do that we'd have to raise ticket prices"

(Crowd: "Raise tickets?!")

Krabapple: "We're talking about your teams chances of winning here"

(Crowd: "We want the team to win")

Skinner: "It'll cost ya"

(Crowd: "Don't want to pay higher ticket prices")

Krabapple: "C'mon"

(Crowd: "He makes a good point")

(Skinner does the upward motion with his fingers)

(Crowd: "Oh yeah the ticket prices! That finger thing means the ticket prices!")

Posted 3:39 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#99) - Agnes Schott and Seymore Beane
  Agnes: "You're losing all wrong Seymour"

Seymoure: "It's my team and I'll lose with them in the playoffs how I see fit"

Posted 3:42 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#100) - Bumblebee Beane
  "Pierda en los playoffs! No me gusta!"

Posted 3:44 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#101) - Billy Hoover and Lisa's class
  Hoover: "It turns out my **** doesn't work in the playoffs"

Kid #1: "That means your team sucks"

Kid #2: "No, it means they're chokers"

Hoover: "Actually it's a little of both"

Posted 3:47 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#102) - Bart Beane and Krusty (representing all A's fans)
  Krusty: "Beane eh, doesn't ring a bell"

Beane: "I've brought respectability back to your franchise. I've drafted stars like Mulder, Hudson, and Zito. I've ripped off other GMs in trades to get you good players. And I've done it all on a shoestring budget"

Krusty: "But what have you done for me lately"

Beane: "I won you the Western division and got you in the playoffs"

Krusty: "And I'll never forget it"

Posted 3:48 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#103) - Montgomery Beane to Ken Smithers
  Smithers, have the Chicago White Sox killed.

Posted 3:49 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#104) - Ken Smithers
  Uh...sir?

Posted 3:49 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#105) - Montgomery Beane to Ken Smithers
  Just do it!

Posted 3:50 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#106) - KBBL
  CLASSIC PRANK CALLS

phone ringing

..Hi this is Billy Beane.
Epstein: disguising his voice Uh sir your team is dead.
Beane: Oh no I just saw them in the playoffs.
Epstein: disguising his voice uh yea they just blew a two game lead
Steinbrenner and Epstein can't stop laghing

Posted 3:51 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#107) - Mark McGwire
  Do you want to know the horrifying truth? Or do you want to see me hit some dingers!

Posted 3:54 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#108) - Billy Langley
  An A's team in the playoffs is kind of like a mule with a spinning wheel. Nobody knows how they got there, and danged if they know what to do there

Posted 3:54 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#109) - Mayor Beane
  I uh say I take the uh remaining A's players to another city and run for General manager

Posted 3:55 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#110) - mommy
  Are these all one person? Many people? I'm in awe. This stuff is gold, gold I tell ya! primer is a riot lately.

Posted 3:57 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#111) - Homer Beane
  I'm one person

Posted 3:57 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#112) - Lenny
  He's right!

Posted 3:58 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#113) - Smitty
  We're giving the people what they want. Smitty by the boatload

Posted 3:58 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#114) - Mayor Beame
  I'm deceased.

Posted 3:59 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#115) - John Brattain
  Oh....my....God.

Funniest....thread....ever.

Best Regards

John

Posted 4:00 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#116) - Bumblebee Man
  I just felt obligated to post in this thread... All right, I'll bite.

Ay! Las naranjas en la cabeza!

Posted 4:01 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#117) - Spock
  My work is done here

Posted 4:02 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#118) - Grandpa Beane
  We A's haven't won a World Series since nineteen dickety nine. We had to say Dickety then because Steinbrenner had stolen our word for eighty.

Posted 4:04 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#119) - Old Man Beane in Shelbyville
  So the citizens of Oakland cheered as the Red Sox took away the division series title...because it was cursed. Now let's all enjoy a glass of turnip juice.

Posted 4:06 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#120) - Lisa and Dr. Beane Riveria
  Lisa: "Tell Long not to take the third strike"

Dr. Beane Riveria: "Thanks little girl!"

Posted 4:07 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#121) - C. Montgomery Beane
  the Red Sox barely beat us...Honestly I don't know why they even bothered to show up

Posted 4:09 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#122) - Larry Beane
  I'm gettin' no regard in this thread. No regard at all. No esteem either.

Posted 4:10 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#123) - Roger Clemens
  Buk buk buk buk

Posted 4:11 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#124) - Marge Beane and Homer Long
  Marge: "Oh Homer, just take this next pitch and then we'll win the series"

Homer: "Don't you ever get tired of being wrong all the time"

Marge: "Yes, yes I do"

Posted 4:11 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#125) - On the Island
  Joe Morgan: Your team is clutch enough to have a great second half and make the playoffs every year, but so un-clutch that it went 0-9 in deciding games. Miguel Tejada deserved the MVP award last year because he's clutch, but his lack of clutch performance prevented you from winning in the playoffs this year. Your team's reliance on the walk and the three-run homer is what causes you to lose in the playoffs in the past, even though this year you didn't have a lot of guys who walk and hit homers.

Homer Beane: Of course! It's so simple...No, wait! It's needlessly complicated!

Posted 4:12 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#126) - A's to Confused Homer Lowe
  A's: Congratulations on grabbing your crotch
Lowe: This is getting a little abstract but thank you I am glad that we are advancing to the LCS

Posted 4:12 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#127) - Lisa and Bart Beane talking to Tom Werner Jr.
  Lisa and Bart: Mr. Werner, we thought of a way to save your team too.

Tom: Great, write it down and mail it to last week, when I gave a crap.

Posted 4:15 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#128) - Beane, as leader of the Stonecutters
  "I'll just have my players take all of the strikes."

"What will that help?"

"Couldn't hurt. Unless the players strike out..which they almost certainly will"

Posted 4:15 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#129) - Dave
  I was sure this would be another stupid thread about why the A's can't win in the postseason, but for some reason I clicked on it anyway. Thank god I did! :)

Posted 4:16 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#130) - Comic Book Guy (who's doing a lot of these posts)
  Oh, I've wasted my work day

Posted 4:20 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#131) - The Steincutters
  Who controls the World Series Crown, Who keeps the rest of baseball down.......WE DO
Who keeps the A's off the map, Who spends until the system collaps....WE DO
WHO HOLDS BACK COMPETITIVE BALANCE
WHO MAKES JETER A STAR
WE DO

Posted 4:21 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#132) - Homer Beane
  So then I says to him, you want your $50 million, then you better come get it, because I don't konw where it is.

Posted 4:22 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#133) - Homer Beane
  So then I says to her, "Kiss my A's Fault."

Posted 4:23 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#134) - Smitty
  Primey for #131

I bet he hates pants

Posted 4:23 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#135) - Primey Nominator
  It's easier just to start with #24 and nominate which post after that DOESN'T deserve a primey

Posted 4:25 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#136) - Homer Beane
  Hello Schott, remember when I returned that $3.75 leftover from the payroll budget. Well now I need YOU to do a favor for ME

Posted 4:27 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#137) - Marge
  And that was the only folly the A's of Oakland ever embarked upon. Except for Jeremy Giambi not sliding into home. And Eric Byrnes not going back to touch the bag. And Miguel Tejada not running out the play at the plate. And...

Posted 4:27 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#138) - Homer Beane to Brian Sabean
  Beame: I've been meaning to tell you off for years.
Sabean: uhh you and I have never met before. your team and my team just got eliminated.
Beane: You stink you and your whole operation stink I quit.
Sabean: Don't quit
Beane: All right then

Posted 4:27 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#139) - Wally "Schott" Gogan and Homer Beane
  Wally: "Aww, the fans are going to be crestfallen."

Homer: "If by crestfallen, you mean kill us"

Posted 4:28 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#140) - Ralph Epstein
  After Long looks at strike 3...

Everybodies Hugging!!!

Posted 4:30 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#141) - Beane Flanders and Lenny Neyer
  Flanders: "I don't even know you, but I bet you're a jerk"

Posted 4:33 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#142) - Epstein to Ralph Beane
  Beane: Mr. Epstein I just lost to you can I play the Yankees now
Epstein: No Ralph, Just put you head down and go to sleep
Beane: oh boy thats were I'm a world series champion

Posted 4:35 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#143) - Neyer Wiggum and Marge Gammons, watching Ralph Beane
  Wiggum: "That's Wiggles. The imaginary dog that wins the World Series for Ralphie"

Marge: "Maybe he should win some real World Series's"

Wiggum: "Some real World Series's?! Boy, that'd be great, but let's be realistic"

Posted 4:36 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#144) - Fat Tony Schott
  Now I don't care about the 50 million. But Beane he keeps asking "Where's the 50 million?" "What about the 50 million?"

Posted 4:36 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#145) - Homer Beane
  It's too late for me, Steve. Sell the team and live like a queeeeen!

Posted 4:37 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#146) - Homer Beane, to the World Series ring that always evades him
  My God you're greasy!

Posted 4:38 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#147) - Homer Beane's Lawyer
  I watched Baseball Strategy by Earl Weaver in a bar last night. The sound was off, but I think i got the gist of it...

Posted 4:39 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#148) - What is Beane thinking now
  Post season plan.....A's need to win a series.....post season plan....A's need to win a series......post season plan.....A's need to win a series

Posted 4:39 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#149) - Billy Grimes talking to Homer Cashman
  Billy: Uh, look, I'm late for my night job for the Oakland Raiders, so if you don't mind telling me...(looks around the living room, stunned) Good heavens! This-this is a palace! How can-how in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Cashman?

Homer: I dunno. Don't ask me how the economy works.

Billy: Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley.

Homer: Wow.

(Frank looks at four pictures hanging on the wall)

Billy: I'm sorry, isn't that...

Homer: Yeah, that's me, all right! And the guy standing next to me is Rudolph Guiliani.

Billy: God, I've had to work hard every day of my life, and what do I have to show for it? This baseball bat and Moneyball! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?!

Homer: ...What?

Billy: Everything! A packed stadium! Four Championship rings! A $17 million shortstop! A $70 million rotation! Fancy clothes, and...(sniffs) playoff victories!! And do you deserve any of it? NO!

Homer: *Gasp* What're you saying?

Billy: I'm saying - you're what's wrong with America, Cashman. You coast through life, you do as little as possible, you leech off decent, hard-working people, like me. Heh, if you GMed for any other team in the world, you'd have been fired long ago.

Derek: He's got you there, Cashman.

Posted 4:40 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#150) - Chief Clancy Beane and Homer Neyer
  Beane: It's a crapshoot! There are crapshoots all over these highways, you know.

Neyer: Hold me!

Beane: Only if you hold me!

Posted 4:42 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#151) - Beane Hutz to Marge Epstein
  Hutz: "Well you didn't win the series, so here's your pizza"

Marge; "But we did win the series"

Hutz: "That's okay, the box is empty"

Posted 4:45 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#152) - Beane Power
  Beane Power doesn't believe in bunting. Each out is as important as the last out. Maybe more important. No, as important.

Posted 4:45 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#153) - Billy Grimes
  I can be lazy, too! Look at me! I'm a worthless GM, just like Brian Cashman. Give me a World Series Ring! (goes over to a box of contracts) Oooh, I'm signing a 1B in his 30s to a 7 year deal! I'm trading young talent to get a mediocre 3B. Give me a raise! Now I'm throwing a couple million bucks on top of it. But it doesn't matter, because I'm Brian Cashman! I don't need to do my work, 'cause the extra $100 million will do it for me! D'oh, d'oh, d'oh!

Posted 4:46 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#154) - New Fan
  Billy Grimes reveal yourself...If you don't your prize will go to starving orphans

Posted 4:48 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#155) - Primey for #149
  n/t

Posted 4:48 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#156) - Old Man at the General Store at Catfish Lake
  There once was a man who could win a playoff series. Went by the name of Beane. He stood seven feet tall. Arms as big as tree-trunks. A shock of red hair on his head.

Posted 4:49 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#157) - Drunken Red Sox Fan and his son
  'Dad, can you teach me how to fight like that?'

'Hehe...sure...first, you scream like a girl and yell "I'm a hemophiliac!" And then, when he turns away in disgust,
kick him the oblique muscle, and run like hell!'

Posted 4:51 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#158) - Billy Beane Flanders, after Game 5
  "Calm down, Billydilly-diddily-diddily-diddily.... They did their best.... Shoddilly-iddily-iddily-diddly... Gotta be nice.... hostility-ility-bility-dility- Aw, hell, diddly-ding-dong-crap! Can't you morons do anything right?

Posted 4:51 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#159) - Izzy Alcantara
  Hey no kicking.

Posted 4:51 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#160) - Homer Hudson at a bar, slapping people with a glove
  "Out of my way. Insulted my honor. Demand satisfaction"

If only he hadn't run into that Kentucky Colonel

Posted 4:53 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#161) - Izzy Alcantaraz's Kid
  Please let my dad go to the majors Whispering or he will kick me

Posted 4:53 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#162) - Izzy Alcantara
  When we get home you're gonna get such a kicking

Posted 4:55 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#163) - Homer Hudsaon at a bar, trying to run past Zito when fight breaks out
  Out of my way Jerkass

Posted 4:55 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#164) - Marge Beane and Austailian bartender Epstein
  Marge: "I'll have a World Series Title"

Bartender: "First round exit it is"

Marge: "No, World Series title"

Bartender: "First round exit"

Marge: "Wor-ld Ser-ies Tit-le"

Bartender: "Fir-st Ro-und Ex-it"

Marge: "W O"

Bartender: "F I"

Posted 4:55 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#165) - Barney Long, with bat on shoulder after strike 3
  I think my heart stopped......................oh there it goes...

Posted 4:57 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#166) - Reverend Gammons
  Billy Grimes - or Grimey, as he liked to be called - taught us that a man can almost triumph over adversity. And even though Billy's agonising struggle through the playoffs was tragically cut short, I'm sure he's watching us on his Blackberry right now.

Cashman (asleep, drooling): Change the channel, Jeter!

Lenny Epstein: That's our Cashman!

Posted 5:01 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#167) - Bart Epstein to Homer Beane, holding the World Series Trophy
  Bart: "That doesn't belong to you"

Homer: "But this might be my last chance to win one"

Posted 5:03 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#168) - Homer Beane Pranking Yankee headquarters
  Mr. Steinbrenner if I have to watch another boring Yankee world series i'll explode. hold on a second toilet flushes and another thing why can't I get any Giambi around here.

Posted 5:03 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#169) - Bart the A's fan to Homer Beane, before the division series
  Bart: "I used to be ashamed of you, but I now I feel....what's the opposite of shame?"

Homer: "Pride"

Bart: "Not that opposite"

Homer: "Less shame"

Bart: "yeah"

Posted 5:08 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#170) - Homer Beane coresponding from the world series
  Dear Schott,
You've got a butt that won't quit. They got these chewy pretzels here sdltjre ekls btlj lrj lsjr $5 get out of here

Posted 5:09 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#171) - McBeane In "McBeane: Let's Get Silly"
  "Did you ever notice how my team always chokes?

(pause)

That's the joke."

"You suck, McBeane!"

Posted 5:12 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#172) - McBeane In "McBeane: Let's Get Silly"
  "Here's my Pat Gillick impression:

'I'm an ineffectual GM who gives up the AL West every August.'"

"Hey, that really sucked!"

Posted 5:21 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#173) - Jake
  LOL at the whole thread, esp. Billy Grimes and McBeane.

Posted 5:21 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#174) - Milhouse Van Beane
  So the Red Sox, working in cooperation with the reverse vampires, have plotted to keep us out of the World Series. We're through the looking glass here people.

Posted 5:21 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#175) - A.C. (homepage)
  Lionel Epstein: Kids, I have a crazy feeling the Red Sox are going to the World Series.

Bart & Lisa: Yay!

Lisa: You're a latter-day Joe McCarthy!

Lionel Epstein: Uh . . . wasn't he the singer with the Beatles?

Bart: Mr. Epstein, when I grow up I want to be a stat geek just like you.

Lionel Epstein: Good for you, son. If there's one thing America needs, it's more stat geeks. Can you imagine a world without stat geeks?

[Epstein imagines a scene of people of all nationalities (plus Elvis) holding hands and dancing around in a circle under a rainbow]

Posted 5:28 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#176) - Old School
  I just want to go on the record and say that this whole nonsense started because I used the word �principals� rather than �principles� in post #22. This thread also confirms that you all are the biggest bunch of geeks imaginable � but I guess in a funny way.

Posted 5:33 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#177) - John Brattain
  #142 rocked.

Best Regards

John

Posted 5:46 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#178) - The Softball Song (written as if a Sox fan)
  Well Mr. James had done it,
The Red Stockings had won it,
With Billy Beane clucking all the while.
Tim Hudson's timely injury made us smile.
While Cave Man lay unconscious on the outfield grass...

We're talkin' baseball,
From Maine to San Diego.
Talkin' baseball,
McCracken and young Theo.
Zito and Hud's fightin' in the bar.
Tejada and his run in with Muellerrrr....
We're talkin Nooooomah....Manny and Millar!

Posted 5:47 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#179) - bunyon
  Yes, Old School, your misuse of the word "principals" led me to post #23. I never, ever thought the result would be this thread. But I'm happy to have played a part.

I'm left to consider what would happen in the world if the amount of intellect and effort that went into this thread were directed to more constructive uses. As the Simpsons has shown us, though, the result would be as likely to be bad as good and, in the end, all would be about the same as it is now. The Simpsons as second-order counterfactual. Hmmm.

Posted 5:56 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#180) - Doctor Depodesta and Homer Beane
  Depodesta: Building the team like this will increase your regular season winning powers. It will also kill your chances to win in the playoffs.

Beane: . . . Increase my playoff winning powers? Lets do it!

Posted 6:02 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#181) - And the role of the sandwich will be played by........Terrence Long
  Homer Beane: This is all your fault! (throws sandwich away)...Oh, how could I stay mad at you?

Posted 7:19 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#182) - Martin Long
  My water dish is emptyyyyy!

Posted 7:33 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#183) - Mo Epstein
  I'd like to thank the, uh, Mick and the chick with the rack.

Posted 7:35 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#184) - Byun-Hyung Smithers and Grady Montgomery Burns
  Smithers: For the love of God, sir, there are two seats on that thing!

Burns: I like to put my feet up. (slams door)

Posted 7:59 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#185) - Theo Muntz
 

HA-HA!

Posted 8:09 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#186) - Announcer at film festival
  "And the winning film is...

"Billy Moleman getting hit in groin with playoff loss!"

Posted 8:24 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#187) - Homer Lowe's Crotch Grab To The Oakland Bench
  "Oakland Athletics, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish to the eyes of others."

"Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent."

"I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other."

Posted 8:33 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#188) - Lisa Beane
  Mr. Epstein, your team appears to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?

Posted 8:40 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#189) - C. Montgomery Byrnes and Waylon Macha
  Byrnes: Why are they booing me?
Macha: They're not booing you, they're saying Boo-yrnes, Boo-yrnes!
Byrnes: Are you saying Boo-yrnes?

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Hans Neyer: I was saying Boo-yrnes.

Posted 9:49 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#190) - Lenin's corpse
  Must defeat Petco capitalism!

Posted 9:59 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#191) - Fidel Luccino, C. Montgomery Beane, and Homer DePodesta
  Fidel: Can I see your spreadsheet?

Beane: See with your eyes, not with your hands!

Homer: Mr. Beane, I think we can trust the President of the Red Sox!

hands over a spreadsheet full of players

Beane: Can I have it back please?

Fidel: Have what back?

Posted 10:12 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#192) - Homer Schott
  (reading a letter from Hank Scorpio) "Homer, Operation Scorpio was a success. Many thanks for all your help, and in return, here is a small token of my appreciation."

Homer: Aw, the Oakland Athletics.
Marge: You should be proud to own the Oakland Athletics!
Homer: You don't know anything about baseball, do you Marge?

Posted 10:15 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#193) - Homer and Marge Beane
  Marge: Let me get this straight, you assembled a team of slow footed on base machines instead of good fundamental bunters and baserunners?
Homer: I don't think I had much of a choice.
Marge: Of course you did!

pause

Homer: You know, in a lot of ways Marge, you and I are very different people.

Posted 11:24 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#194) - Homer Beane
  Time to fertilize the lawn...a couple of T-Long-sized bags should do it.

Posted 11:27 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#195) - Homer Sabean
  Oh my god, my team isn't effective enough around the best player in the game.

Oh my god, that crappy utility infielder has a fluffy tail!

Posted 11:29 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#196) - C. Montgomery Epstein
  Varitek! I thought I told you to shave those sideburns!

Posted 11:30 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#197) - Jason Varitek
  I still like him better than Duquette.

Posted 11:50 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#198) - Bill James at the next SABR convention
  Bill James: Hey everybody. I'm here today as the author of "The Historical Abstract", but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see here, you can save up to three times more than the more dependable companies.
Primates: Talk about Win Shares!
Homer Simpson: Shut up you stupid nerds, he's trying to save you money on long distance calls!!!

Posted 11:54 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#199) - Chief Macha
  Terrence Long is a cancer on this fair city! He is the cancer and I am the... uh... what cures cancer?

Posted 11:55 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#200) - Homer Tejada
  I don't care if Derek Lowe IS the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk. End of story.

Posted 11:57 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#201) - Homer and Marge Beane
  Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.
Homer: Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!
[walks out, slams door, then sticks head back in]
Homer: Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.
Marge: Well, duh.

Posted 11:58 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#202) - Al Leiter and Mike Piazza
  Leiter: So, Mike, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?
Piazza: What?!
Leiter: You know, light and fancy free! Mothers, lock up your daughters! Piazza is on the town!
Piazza: Oh! Of course.

Posted 11:59 p.m., October 9, 2003 (#203) - Billy Beane and Bill Clinton
  Billy: Thank you, Mr. President.
Bill Clinton: No, thank you, Billy. For teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.
Billy: That's a pretty lousy lesson.
Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president.

Posted 12:06 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#204) - Homer Beane and C. Montgomery Schott
  Homer: Gee, Mr. Schott, you're the richest guy I know; way richer than Lenny.
Mr. Schott: Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

Posted 12:10 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#205) - Homer Neyer fields some questions
  Primate: On page 432 of "Win Shares" you list the OPS+ of Hal Trotsky in 1936 as 144 when clearly it was 148. I mean, what are we to believe, that the park effects for League Park didn't take effect until 1939? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Homer: I'll field that one. Let me ask *you* a question. Why would a grown man who's shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching posting anonymously on a baseball message board?
[embarrassed pause]
Primate: I withdraw my question.

Posted 12:17 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#206) - College Nerds, Homer Beane and Crusty Dean Schott
  Homer: I'm gonna teach you guys what college is really like: Power, patience, wild baserunning and crazy new ideas!

Nerds: I don't know, don't you think we should just get some guys with speed and a good batting average?

Homer: That crusty Dean Schott will never give us the $50 million we'll need for that!

Nerds: He offered me $50 million yesterday.

[Dean Schott walks by]

Schott: Hi homer, did you need anything? $50 million for your payroll?

Homer: I'll never take a penny of your dirty money!

Schott: Ok, I'll be in my office if you want to stop by and jam about defense evaluation....

Posted 12:26 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#207) - Homer Beane
  I am so smart.

I am so smart.

S-M-R-T.

I mean, S-M-A-R-T.

Posted 12:31 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#208) - Principal Beane and Edna Macha
  Edna: Billy, you have to think of the Athletics post-season chances!
Beane: Oh, Edna! We all know that these players have no chance in the post-season!
[The players stops and stare at Beane.]
Beane: Prove me wrong guys! Prove me wrong!

Posted 12:34 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#209) - Oakland and Boston fans
  Oakland Fan: Pardon me, neighbourinos. Some of our boys are lost in your town. You wouldn't have happenned to see them, by any chance?
Boston Fan #1: Typical. Oaklandians can't take care of their kids.
Boston Fan #2: Yeah. That's why we beat them at baseball almost half the time.

Posted 12:40 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#210) - Homer Byrnes
  If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!

Posted 12:44 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#211) - Homer Macha
  Hello, Terrence Long. I wanna apologize. I got so caught up in trying to encourage you, that I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you come back and play for the team, I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Posted 12:57 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#212) - Homer and Marge Beane
  Homer: Well, Theo's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.
Marge: What's that?
Homer: A dinosaur!

Posted 1:10 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#213) - Dave
  It scares me that the last 20 posts were all probably done by the same person.

Posted 1:47 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#214) - Billy Beane goes to Epsteins house to play...
  Theo: It's great of you to come over, Billy. I really want us to be friends.

Billy: You're a wonderful person.

James: Hi, Billy, I'm Theo's mentor, Mr. James. I've heard great things about you.

Billy: Oh, really? I --

James: Oh, don't be modest. I'm glad we have someone who can join us in our sabermetric games.

Theo: We take our players stats and rearrange the numbers to form a value of that person.

James: Like, er...oh, I don't know, uh...Manny Ramirez.

Theo: [thinks] OPS 1000.

James: Ho ho, very good. All right, Billy, um...Adam Melhuse.

Billy: [looks with consternation] OPS 600?

James: Mm hmm, well that's...good...for a minor league player. You know what? I have a football. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?

Posted 3:26 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#215) - Since I dont have any Simpson's quotes
  My nominee for this weeks worst sentence in a National Magazine. This is from the current edition of Newsweek with Kobe on the cover in an article about illegal trading of mutual fund companies:

"So if funds that say they discourage market-timers willingly let them in, the fund companies do,in fact, make slightly bigger fees."

I had to read that 5 different times to figure it out.

Posted 6:25 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#216) - Walt Cook
  "So if funds that say they discourage market-timers willingly let them in, the fund companies do,in fact, make slightly bigger fees."

I had to read that 5 different times to figure it out.

Looks like a winner for the Law School Admissions Council to include on the next LSAT!

Still shell-shocked from last Saturday...

Posted 8:32 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#217) - Miguel Lovejoy
  Won't somebody please think of the children?

Posted 9:38 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#218) - Moe Tejada talking about Derek Lowe
  I'm more of a well wisher in that I don't wish him any specific harm.

Posted 9:44 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#219) - Grampa Tejada and Homer Beane
  Grampa Tejada: Lowe grabbed his crotch is dammaging to my ego.

Homer Beane: Oh Tejada you and your stories, Lowe grabbed his crotch on purpose, These base running mistakes are going to cost us the game, you wont be able to win with out me. Where will it end.

Posted 10:09 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#220) - Snooty waiter Schott and Freddie Beane
  Schott: "You just lost the playoff series, hit the shower"

Beane: "It's Show-er! Say it right!"

Posted 10:15 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#221) - Martin Beane
  My salary bucket is emptyyyyy!

Posted 10:17 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#222) - Fat Tony Beane and Ken Tightlips
  Fat Tony: "Ken Tightlips, do you see a pinch hitter on your bench who won't strike out looking."

Ken Tightlips: "I see a lot of things"

Fat Tony: "You know, you could be a little more helpful"

Posted 10:20 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#223) - Troy Epstein and Little Billy "Beane"
  Epstein: Now Billy I will show you the Playoff Slaughtering Floor
Billy: Slaughtering floor?
Epstein: Don't worry Billy its only a name it actually takes place on the field

Posted 10:22 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#224) - Moe Beane
  They used to call me Kid Genius. Then later Kid Above-Average, then Kid Adequate, then Kid Moron...and finally Kid Beane.

Posted 10:23 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#225) - lisa Schott
  RE: #223
you expect me to eat that tripe

Posted 10:28 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#226) - Bart Epstein on the Phone to Moe Beane
  Bart: May I speak to Mr. Exit. First name Earl, middle initial E.

Moe Beane: Okay kid, hold on and I'll check. (to crowd) I'm looking for an Earl E. Exit. Quiet down, I want an Earl E. Exit. Can anyone find me an Earl E. Exit?

Posted 10:35 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#227) - Homer the umpire and Bart the umpire
  Homer: So I asked myself, What would God do?
Bart: Obstruction calls. They'll drive 'em nuts!
Homer: It's all in the rulebook, son! It's the prankster's rulebook.

Posted 10:43 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#228) - Mayor Billy Quimby
  Bet I get blamed for this.

Posted 11:58 a.m., October 10, 2003 (#229) - Homer Beane
  Now we can sit here and talk about whose team didn't win what series until the cows come home....

Posted 12:06 p.m., October 10, 2003 (#230) - Homer and Lisa Beane
  Homer: You're not going to sign cheap OBA machines anymore?
Lisa: No.
Homer: What about Bill Mueller?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Kevin Millar?
Lisa: No.
Homer: David Ortiz?
Lisa: Dad, they all come from the same team!
Homer: (sarcastically) Yea right Lisa. Some magical fantasy team!

Posted 12:07 p.m., October 10, 2003 (#231) - Homer Red Sox fan and Lenny A's Fan
  Homer: You're team is a cow-town team!
Lenny: You're only saying that because it was founded by a cow!

Posted 12:10 p.m., October 10, 2003 (#232) - Marge and Homer Beane
  Marge: "4 first round loses in 4 years looks pretty bad"

Homer: "Everything looks bad when you remember it"

Posted 12:12 p.m., October 10, 2003 (#233) - Marge Schott
  This is kind of all over the place.

Posted 12:17 p.m., October 10, 2003 (#234) - Homer Beane
  I can't live the small-ball live like you! I want it all: The 7 pitch walks, the three run homers, the ace starting pitchers! Sure, I might offend the commishioner with my cocky stride and my abberations. Oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "Big Market Owners" who cluck their tongues, stroke their wallets, and talk about what's to be done with this Billy Beane!

Posted 3:18 p.m., October 10, 2003 (#235) - Homer Beane, Reporter and Marge Schott
  Reporter: So Mr. Beane, where were you before the baserunning accident?

Homer (thinks to himself): Don't tell him it was a bar...don't tell him was a bar... (Out loud) I was at my computer, looking at internet pornography.

Reporter: And where you Ms. Schott?

Marge: Hitler was a great leader!


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