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Comment I'm losing patience with my neighbours, Mr Bush Terry Jones Sunday January 26, 2003 The Observer I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do whatever I want! And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us. That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims? It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street. Observer special reports Iraq: Observer special Terrorism crisis: special report Observer Worldview More from Guardian Unlimited Special report: Iraq Iraq crisis news 26.01.2003: Blair: war can start without UN arms find 26.01.2003: Focus: The endgame 26.01.2003: US buys up Iraqi oil to stave off crisis 26.01.2003: Refugee crisis looms Comment 26.01.2003: Charles Kennedy: We're being bulldozed into war 26.01.2003: Andrew Rawnsley: Crunch time at Camp David 26.01.2003: Mary Riddell: Don't disdain the doves 26.01.2003: Terry Jones: I'm losing patience with my neighbours, Mr Bush Observer Leader - and your responses 26.01.2003: Letters: What you say about our stand on Iraq 26.01.2003: More views: international feedback 19.01.2003: Leader: Why force may be needed Talk: Where do you stand on Iraq? Email your views to debate@observer.co.uk The media 26.01.2003: David Beresford: The writes and wrongs of war Focus special: The great war debate 19.01.2003: The public: What do Britons think about war? 19.01.2003: Debate: What prominent Britons think 19.01.2003: Westminster: Blair believes Blix will deliver 19.01.2003: The media: No 10 parades press for battle 19.01.2003: The military: Reluctant warriors quell their doubts 19.01.2003: Oil: Bush's gun barrels could end Opec stranglehold 19.01.2003: The facts: War by numbers 12.01.2003: Focus: Where the world stands on an invasion of Iraq 12.01.2003: Focus: Hawks sit out phoney peace while war machine rolls on Observer highlights: the broadest debate 05.01.2003: Nick Cohen: Saddam won't run 14.07.2002: John Pilger: The great charade 29.12.2002: Ken Nichols: Back to Iraq as a human shield 22.12.2002: Leader: If it's war, it has to be legitimate 15.09.2002: Jason Burke: Return to Kurdistan 01.09.2002: Dilip Hiro: When US turned a blind eye to poison gas 11.08.2002: Nick Cohen: Who will save Iraq? 04.08.2002: Richard Harries: Not a just war 25.08.2002: Christopher Hitchens: With friends like these 22.09.2002: Terry Jones: The audacious courage of Mr Blair 22.09.2002: Rosemary Hollis: Hawks won't stop with Baghdad 11.08.2002: Mark Leonard: Could the left back war? 17.03.2002: John Lloyd: Anti-Americanism betrays the left 24.02.2002: Andrew Rawnsley: How to deal with the American goliath 17.02.2002: Terry Jones: OK, George, make with the friendly bombs 02.12.2001: David Rose: The doves are wrong - again Iraq after Saddam 16.12.2001: David L Mack: Iraq after Saddam 01.12.2002: Post-Saddam Iraq mapped out by Allies 29.09.2002: Dilip Hiro: Iraq's fractured opposition Special reports Iraq: Observer special Observer Worldview Afghanistan Terrorism crisis Islam and the West More global commentary More from Peter Beaumont More from Jason Burke More from Ed Vulliamy More from Mark Leonard More from Dan Plesch Worldview highlights: debating American power Useful links UNSCOM UN resolutions on Iraq British Foreign Office: Relations with Iraq US State Department Iraq Update Arab.net - Iraq resources Campaign against Sanctions on Iraq Centre for non-proliferation studies |