Regression
PG-13
by Karma
Characters belong to Paramount. I've monkeyed around with them for this one.
Regression
Kathryn Janeway rang Chakotay's door chime and took a deep breath before the doors opened. She smiled, but as soon as she did, she knew it looked faked.
"You wanted to see me?" Chakotay asked, letting her in.
Kathryn felt jittery, like a teenager. But it had been too long, and now she stood face to face with him in his quarters, and she forced herself to continue. It was what she wanted. There was no reason for her to feel like this, but that didn't take the feeling away.
"Um, yes," she stammered. This was hard. "I- uh, we agreed we wouldn't talk about this anymore... and you said you wouldn't bring it up, but... well, I am."
Chakotay knew what she was talking about, but he wanted to hear it from her. He would let her finish. In her own time- in her own, painfully lengthy time.
"You've told me how you feel about me," she continued, "and I wasn't ready... I needed some time to figure it out... and two years on, I... well, I am now... Ready, I mean..."
"To...?" Chakotay prompted.
"I don't know... something..." Kathryn suddenly realised a possibility she hadn't taken into account. "Oh, unless you're... in the middle of something right now."
"Hardly," Chakotay said, letting her off the hook, feeling she'd suffered enough. "I imposed the same rule upon myself as you did. I can't date anyone on this ship either, you know. You're the only one that I can see myself with- logically... and emotionally."
Kathryn felt relieved. She was able to relax and she became her old self again. "'I'm glad," she laughed. "So... what now?"
"A date?" Chakotay suggested.
"I'd like that," Kathryn said.
"Tomorrow night?" Chakotay asked, taking her hand.
"Sounds good to me," Kathryn smiled. She felt his thumb rubbing the space between two of her knuckles. She returned the gesture before she let go and left his quarters.
The door to Chakotay's quarters stood between them, as they both turned their backs to it, looking at their right hands, trying to make sense of the feeling that was left over from their encounter. What was it?
Familiarity.
Kathryn closed her eyes. Before her flashed an image of a similar handshake- it could have been decades ago- but it had felt the same.
She entered her own quarters, rubbing her hand while thinking about the image that flashed before her outside Chakotay's quarters. She tried to bring it back, but it wouldn't come.
Chakotay was doing the same, but his thoughts were a jumble. It wasn't exactly what he'd expected from Kathryn- he was happy that she finally came around, but it hardly went the way he'd imagined. He smiled. It must be a sign, he thought. He might be in for an unpredictable relationship.
*****
"This was a nice idea," Kathryn said, as she and Chakotay walked through a forest, randomly generated by the holodeck. It meant they could wander all night if they wanted to. And they wanted to.
"I thought you might like it," Chakotay said, and he wrapped an arm around her back.
All of a sudden, he could see a very different scene before him. A waterfront. It disappeared as quickly as it had appeared. It was just a flash. He shook it off and they continued walking.
It was quiet for a while. Chakotay looked over at Kathryn. She seemed lost in thought, until a few seconds after he looked at her. She met his glance and smiled.
"So," she said as they took a turn around a grouping of trees. "Where do we go from here?"
"It depends," Chakotay said. "Are you talking about the forest, or are you talking about us?"
"Us," she said simply.
Chakotay smiled. "We've got plenty of time... we could do what we're doing right here- wander for a while, see where it takes us, and if we don't like it, we can turn around."
"Sounds like a good idea," Kathryn said. "I wasn't sure how things would go with us. I don't know about you, but I've been alone for six years. Things can happen very quickly if you haven't been-"
"I know what you mean," Chakotay said. "And I've been alone for six years too. I can't say I don't think about it, because I have. I see it like this." Chakotay let go of her while they walked and he continued. "If you have a valuable china plate, and it's been in a cold storage facility for years, and you've finally taken it out to use it, certainly the first thing you'd want to do is serve a nice, hot meal on it. But if you put that hot food on that cold plate, if it's fragile enough, it'll crack. It's good to let it warm up a little. Then not only does the plate stay in one piece, but the food doesn't get cold too quickly. It's worth waiting for."
"I've never heard such a great analogy," Kathryn said. "Don't tell me- it was passed down from your father or something. Ancient relationship advice."
"No," Chakotay laughed. "I made it up... but it got the point across, didn't it?"
"Absolutely," Kathryn said, squeezing his hand. "Here's to not cracking our plate."
*****
"Good night," Kathryn said, standing at the door to her quarters, holding both of Chakotay's hands, giving them one last squeeze. "I'll see you in the morning."
"Not if I see you first," Chakotay said, not entirely sure why he said it, but smiling all the same.
Kathryn seemed to know instinctively that he was joking, before she could even read his face. "Will you run away?"
"Only if you promise you'll chase me," he said, again, not sure why. It just came out.
"Sounds like fun." Kathryn listened to herself and reflected on their exchange. It didn't sound like anything they've ever said to each other before... She looked at her door and back to him. His expression reflected what she was feeling. She lowered her voice. "Can you come in for a drink?" she asked. "I... have something I need to talk to you about."
Chakotay saw the seriousness in her face, and he was intrigued. He followed her in.
"That conversation we had out there," Kathryn said, carrying two steaming mugs to the coffee table, "Do you agree that we've never said that to each other before?"
"Yes," Chakotay answered. "But it felt like-"
"-we've said it a thousand times?" Kathryn finished for him.
"Exactly."
They looked at each other, sipping the hot liquid from their mugs. Both were summoning up the courage to talk about what they experienced before.
"This might sound strange," Kathryn finally started, staring into her mug, "but it's not the first time something's felt like that... with us."
"You mean last night when you left my quarters?"
Kathryn leaned forward, putting her mug on the table. "Yes."
"And tonight in the holodeck...."
"The waterfront."
"You saw it too."
"Yes."
They fell silent, enveloped in thought.
"It first happened when I touched your hand," Chakotay said, reaching over to do the same thing again. Nothing happened. Kathryn shook her head. "Then when I put my arm around you..." he shifted his tea from one hand to the other and wrapped his arm around her. Again, nothing. But now, they were sitting very close. Their eyes had locked, and their thought process halted for a moment.
It was their first date, and mere hours after having a conversation about taking things slowly. Kathryn sat on her sofa, feeling the heat of Chakotay's hand on her back, her face inches from his own. She wanted to kiss him. She wanted a lot more than that, but she decided that she wouldn't be taking anything that wasn't offered. He had made it clear that it would take time. She wouldn't force the issue.
Chakotay's words rang in his own ears as he tried to divert his glance. After that impassioned speech about not rushing into things, rushing was starting to look very good, and making eye contact any longer would give him away.
There was no reasoning with himself. He wanted to kiss her, and his failing attempts at resistance seemed to reflect in her own expression. Was she leaning forward, or was he? Oh, hell. It didn't matter. He put his hand on her shoulder and it slid around the back of her neck. The distance between them closed.
Kathryn told herself to pay close attention to what, if anything, she would see. This was another first time, and although she was curious about what visions would come to her, she just wanted to feel the warmth of his lips on her own, for today, for now.
Her curiosity would eventually win out, of course. She closed her eyes. Their lips connected. She had a funny feeling in her stomach. She reminded herself to concentrate.
It was a sunny day. A green field stretched out before her, a magnificent view from over the shoulder of someone with whom she was locked in a tight embrace. She looked at the shapes of the buildings in the distance. They looked familiar... yes! It was Starfleet Headquarters.
She felt a pulling at her shoulders. She moved away a little so she could see who it was... a young face, with skin darker than her own. Neatly cut black hair. A youthful smile, with a touch of mischief, which at the moment was slowly fading away into somber seriousness. She felt her legs getting shaky and leaned against the tree that was behind her. She looked up a little and saw what she needed to see, moments before they kissed.
***
Chakotay opened his eyes, having noticed a change in his surroundings, even through his eyelids. He could see the trunk of a tree, a little auburn hair... and in the distance... the Golden Gate Bridge?? He must be in San Francisco... kissing someone in a uniform, about a foot shorter than him...
***
Their lips reluctantly parted from each other, back on the sofa in Kathryn's quarters, their eyes squeezed shut, still so close to each other that their noses were side by side.
"Don't go," Chakotay pleaded.
"I have to," Kathryn answered. "They're expecting me at 1700 for the-" Kathryn opened her eyes and finished her sentence, much like waking from a dream. "...briefing."
They pulled away from each other. Kathryn thought it best to speak quickly. "You saw it too- Starfleet Headquarters?"
"Under a tree," Chakotay confirmed.
"It was you, you know... I was under that tree with you. Kissing you."
Chakotay nodded. "Yes."
There was a silence. Kathryn picked up her coffee mug and looked at the surface before drinking it. "So, what do you think it is? These flashes of different places?"
Chakotay picked up his mug too. "I don't know," he said softly. "We never met before we got lost out here."
"Agreed," Kathryn nodded. "I'm sure I would have remembered something like that. We agree that we can rule out reincarnation..."
"I think so," Chakotay said. "Beliefs aside, what are the odds of coming back as Starfleet people again, and at the same time?"
Kathryn laughed, but suddenly stopped. She looked at him. "Then... what is it?"
*****
"Kathryn... Kathryn-"
Kathryn opened her eyes and pulled herself up from where she was- leaning against Chakotay on the sofa.
"You fell asleep," he said, pushing some of her hair out of her face. "We'll talk about it tomorrow."
Kathryn gathered her senses and stood up slowly, taking the mugs to the recycler. Chakotay got up too and headed for the door. He stopped and turned around.
"You were talking in your sleep," Chakotay said. "and from what I heard, it was quite a discussion."
Kathryn approached him with curiosity. "You understood it?"
"Of course," Chakotay said. "Why not?"
"Mark used to tell me I talked in my sleep but he couldn't understand what I was saying."
"Well, it was really clear this time," Chakotay said. "You were saying something about a mission, and that you wanted to go, but it was too sudden... or something..."
Kathryn suddenly grabbed Chakotay's arm. "You have to stay here," she said.
"Why?"
"I know that it hardly counts as taking it slow... but if you talk in your sleep too, it might help us to figure this out."
Chakotay took another step toward the door. It opened. "I'll go get some things," he said, smiling.
*****
Kathryn sat on the edge of the bed, smiling at Chakotay as he emerged from the bathroom. "I want you to know," she said, "this isn't how I normally do things."
"Sure," Chakotay joked. "I bet you say that to all the guys that you get into bed on the first date."
Kathryn laughed and stood up, walking toward him. "I mean it... I've never done this before." She looked up and wrapped her arms around his waist. "But you've got to admit, it's a brilliant excuse to spend the night."
And there they were again, kissing distance apart. They both smiled. This time it was for them. No flashbacks. Just two people in the moment, sharing the warmth of new affection for each other, trying to forget for a moment that there was more to it than that.
*****
On Voyager's bridge, nothing was different. If anyone had asked the computer where Chakotay was last night, gossip would have been spreading like wildfire. But the same, everyday silence with occasional mundane chit-chat ruled the bridge.
If gossip was running rampant, now would have been a good time, because the people in question weren't actually present. They had long since retired to the ready room, soon after they realised that there was no real reason for them to be in their command chairs. It was a slow day, and neither could bear hearing about who beat who at Velocity in the double-elimination tournament, and all the details of the matches, which was the current topic of conversation when they arrived.
Kathryn held the PADD in her hand, reading down the list of what she said the night before. She scrolled down the list.
"They might need me for a diplomatic mission on the Romulan Border.... I wish I could stay- I wish I could, Chakotay. I just got to know you.... I'm going to be late for the briefing- but I want to see you again. Here's where you can reach me. Yes... tomorrow."
"It appears to be half of a conversation," Chakotay said, examining the PADD when she handed it back to him. "Were you dreaming? Do you remember dreaming about talking to someone?"
"No," Kathryn said. "I don't think I dreamed at all last night... except that one where I was falling off a cliff... ever dream of that?"
"Sometimes," Chakotay laughed. "I was wondering why you woke up with a start and fell right back asleep again. But that was long after you stopped talking."
"You were still awake?" Kathryn asked worriedly. "Didn't you sleep well at all?"
"I slept very well," Chakotay assured her. "I just woke up when you did. I checked the time. That's how I knew how long it had been. So- clearly you were talking to me... but I don't remember when we ever could have had a conversation like that."
"In the flashbacks, we were in San Francisco, near Starfleet HQ," Kathryn said. "We've never been together there. We just met in the Delta Quadrant... unless."
"Unless what?" Chakotay asked. He was as eager as she was to get to the bottom of this.
"Computer," Kathryn ordered, looking at Chakotay with her 'I've got an idea' expression. "Access Starfleet Medical Database. Symptom- vivid recollections of past scenes that didn't happen. Theorise possible reasons."
The computer made some very strange noises. Or maybe they just sounded strange because she was waiting for an important answer.
"Patient may be experiencing psychic projections from another mind, recovery of repressed memory, effects of malicious hypnosis."
"Or a really bad April Fool's joke," Chakotay said. "Malicious hypnosis?"
"I think we can rule that one out," Kathryn said. "It would have had to have been done to both of us, by someone who knew about Starfleet."
"Psychic projections from another mind?"
"Equally improbable," Kathryn sighed. "The only one on this ship with powers like that is Tuvok, as far as I know, and I'd like to think I know Tuvok well enough to know he wouldn't do that."
"Repressed memory," Chakotay said, quoting the final hypothesis.
"You don't sound too sure of that one," Kathryn said.
"It just sounds silly."
"But we should go with it for now," Kathryn suggested. "It sounds the most probable out of the three."
"Assuming we were together once before," Chakotay said, "why would our memories of it be repressed? If memory engrams are erased, they don't just grow back."
"The computer said repressed, not erased," Kathryn clarified.
"I still don't understand why," Chakotay said, looking at Kathryn a little differently now, as though if he looked for long enough, he would remember something more.
"I don't either," Kathryn said, leaning back on the sofa, "we just have to wait and see if anything else surfaces."
*****
Kathryn stared at the ceiling, trying to stay awake. Chakotay was tossing and turning in his sleep. And talking.
"...So what do they want you for at such short notice?"
His voice made it a little easier for her to stay awake. She rolled over onto her side, facing him.
"Then stay. Tell them you're busy... or sick... It's too early- I don't want to let go.... I don't think I've ever felt this way before. With anyone. Believe that, Kathryn- there's no way I can prove it- I can hardly describe it.... be safe- I'll contact you tomorrow."
Kathryn stared at the PADD she was holding. She deactivated it when his talking became snoring. She smiled. She remembered all those nights on New Earth, trying not to laugh at the sound. Obviously, four years later, her training still held up. She shook her head and turned away from him, readjusting her pillows. On impulse, she gently kicked him. He stopped. 'Hmm,' she thought. 'I knew that would work.'
*****
Kathryn woke up when she smelled eggs. She opened her eyes to see a plate of Eggs Benedict steaming in front of her. She threw the covers off and sat up, while hearing the sound of a startled Chakotay, who was now picking eggs off of the blanket that were once on his own plate.
"I'm sorry," she said, holding her plate out to him. "Have some of mine."
"Oh, no," Chakotay said. "I was just about finished anyway... sleep well?"
"Yes," she said, remembering the snoring, cut off by the kicking. She still didn't know what had spurred her on to do such a thing. She had never believed in the, 'If it's not working, whack it' school of thought... well, maybe when she was younger...
"So was I as talkative as you were?" he asked her, snapping her out of her thoughts.
Kathryn pulled the PADD out from under her pillow. "Oh, yes," she said, handing it to him.
Chakotay read his overnight mumblings and sipped his tea. "Tomorrow...Do you think this might be the other half of that conversation?"
As much as Kathryn loved her Eggs Benedict, she dropped it and bolted into her living area, grabbing yesterday's PADD and coming back to the bed, sitting on Chakotay's side, so they could both see. She read her PADD, and he read his:
"...So what do they want you for at such short notice?" Chakotay started.
"They might need me for a diplomatic mission on the Romulan Border... I wish I could stay-"
"Then stay. Tell them you're busy... or sick..."
"I wish I could, Chakotay. I just got to know you..."
"It's too early- I don't want to let go.... I don't think I've ever felt this way before. With anyone. Believe that, Kathryn- there's no way I can prove it- I can hardly describe it."
"I'm going to be late for the briefing- but I want to see you again. Here's where you can reach me."
"Be safe- I'll contact you tomorrow."
"Yes. Tomorrow." Kathryn looked up at Chakotay. The conversation made sense. They stared at each other.
"Your breakfast is on the floor," Chakotay said, breaking the silence.
"What is it?" Kathryn asked, half to herself, half to whatever was out there...
"Eggs Benedict," Chakotay answered.
"No," Kathryn laughed. "I mean, what is this conversation? We didn't have it. Ever."
*****
The holodeck was programmed for San Francisco. A field on the outskirts of Starfleet Headquarters.
"What's this for?" Kathryn asked.
"I thought if we put the pieces together from what we've seen and heard... maybe it would bring something out into the open. What if it really is repressed memory?" Chakotay handed the PADD with Kathryn's half of the conversation to her again.
"Sounds strange," Kathryn said, "but I want to get to the bottom of this as much as you do."
*****
Kathryn had just disappeared over the horizon, walking away, presumably toward the location of her briefing, when she appeared again, running back to Chakotay in such a hurry that she needed to use the tree to stop her.
"Oh God," she said, her eyes wide and confused.
"What is it?"
"I was going to meet Admiral Beck," Kathryn said, "In 303 Cochrane Suites, about a diplomatic mission on the Romulan border, aboard the Stargazer."
"You're sure?"
"There's more," she said. "I don't believe it- I pawned them off with a phony excuse. I didn't go. I told them my mother was sick."
"And you know this?"
"All of a sudden. Yes."
"It's real?"
"It must be."
Chakotay sat down against the tree. "I knew you liked Eggs Benedict for breakfast when you were struggling with a problem."
Kathryn sat beside him. "I knew if I kicked you you'd stop snoring."
"You kicked me?"
"Yes."
"I don't snore."
"Oh, yes, you do."
"I don't..."
"Oh, and I suppose it was me going like this..." Kathryn lay down on the grass under the tree, rolled over, and made a very loud snoring noise. She looked up just in time to see Chakotay coming toward her. The play fight that ensued sent them tumbling down the small hill.
When they landed at the bottom, Chakotay propped himself up on his hands, one knee between her legs and the other to the side. They were laughing... until he brushed her hair away from her face. "Your hair was longer then," he said, trailing his finger off to the side, as if he was still moving it out of the way, which he would have if it had been longer. "And lighter... the sun must have lightened it."
They looked at each other, lying on the ground at the bottom of the hill, for a while. Kathryn's expression of confusion still remained.
"I knew you," she said, reaching up and touching his cheek, as if she had hundreds of times. She looked up at his hair, which she ran her hand through. "I loved you."
Chakotay lowered himself onto his elbows. "I still do," he whispered.
"I do too," she said, pulling him down the rest of the way, moving so that his arm would go around her. Side by side on the grass, they kissed as the afternoon sun beat down on them. They forgot it was a holodeck. They forgot they were in the Delta Quadrant. They forgot it was 2377... almost.
"What's happening to us?"
"I think we're getting our memories back."
*****
They were right. Memories were coming back. Every time something came into one of their heads, they made a note of it. They discussed every detail of what they remembered. Most of it was of very intimate, passionate evenings. Candlelit rooms, delicious meals, dancing, private conversations. The silhouette of a body in moonlight. Stars reflecting on a glass tabletop. Champagne. Wading though a pile of tangled sheets to get to the kitchen. Excuses, excuses, excuses... always in communications to Starfleet. And friends. And family. They surmised that they had lost themselves in each other.
"Maybe we went too far," Kathryn said one evening over dinner. "Maybe one of us realised it and we ended it."
"Maybe the pain was so bad that we blocked it out," Chakotay suggested.
"Sounds like a theory to me," Kathryn said. "Let's just make sure it doesn't happen again."
*****
"Lt. Janeway," Admiral Beck addressed her from his office terminal. "Your request for an extended leave of absence has been denied. There were no medical grounds proven, and we need you right now."
"Surely the Stargazer can do without me," she pleaded, only able to think of one thing- spending more time with Chakotay. At that very moment, he was in the kitchen, clothed only in a towel, making coffee. No, he wasn't. He was bringing the mug over to the desk... Beck must have seen him... He wasn't acting like he did, but there she was with a mug freshly placed in front of her!
"I would like to remind you, Lieutenant, that calling off a duty assignment for certain reasons can lead to dishonorable discharge..." She sipped her coffee and remained silent. Beck saw he was getting nowhere. "I'll leave you to think about that. Beck out."
Kathryn turned around after the UFP logo replaced the Admiral's countenance on her terminal screen. "You just might have signed my discharge papers by bringing me this coffee."
"You sound pretty calm about that," Chakotay said, pouring his tea. "Aren't you worried that he's serious?"
"And what if he is?" Kathryn said, getting up to join him in the kitchen. "Wouldn't it be nice? Just to have one schedule to work around?" She put her mug down on the counter, threw her arms around his waist, and spoke into his chest. "You make me so happy... I'd give anything up for you."
"But you don't have to," Chakotay answered. "It'll work out fine. Maybe we can try to get stationed on the same ship..."
"I have a better idea," Kathryn said, letting go.
"What's that?"
Kathryn picked up her coffee again and turned toward the living room. "Next time you bring me coffee... lose the towel."
~~~
"What's that??" Kathryn said, startled.
Chakotay rolled over, pulling the sheet with him. "Huh?"
"Shhh," Kathryn whispered, sitting up and trying to see around the corner. "I think there's someone here-" She got out of bed and crept over to the door.
"Kathryn, don't-"
Chakotay's whisperings were cut off by the sound of her own screams as someone grabbed her from behind. A hand clamped over her mouth, and she was being carried through her darkened apartment. She tried to fight, but it was no use. She was overpowered.
*****
"Kathryn-"
Kathryn woke up with a start. She was in her bed, and Chakotay was looming over her, concerned.
"Are you okay? You were screaming, and tossing and turning- I had to hold you back, or you'd have fallen out of bed!"
Kathryn stared at the ceiling, getting her breath back. It was all a dream... or another memory? "Beck... he threatened me with dishonorable discharge... and then... one night, someone was in the apartment and... grabbed me... you were just coming after them when I woke up."
"I was having a similar dream... you came into the kitchen and told me you didn't care if you did get discharged. I told you not to give up your career-"
"That we'd work it out somehow-"
"And try to get posted to the same ship... yes," Chakotay said. "I woke up and you were screaming... Kathryn?"
She was asleep again.
*****
Breakfast was eaten in silence. Kathryn and Chakotay each knew exactly what had happened now, but they hadn't said a word since they woke up. They put their uniforms on and got ready for their bridge shift, each in their own world. It wasn't until they were in the turbolift that those two worlds connected. The turbolift doors closed. Kathryn felt a hand on her shoulder. She jumped, even though she knew who it was. She turned around. They had to talk about this.
"Ready Room?" she asked. Chakotay nodded. The turbolift doors opened onto the bridge. She walked onto the bridge briskly, and turned to Tactical. "Tuvok, you have the bridge," she said, and she and Chakotay crossed to the Ready Room, single file.
When the door to the Ready Room closed, Kathryn was already at her desk. Chakotay assumed his usual place across from her.
"I take it you know what I know about this," Kathryn said quietly- almost emotionlessly.
"If it's what I think you know," Chakotay replied in the same tone, "that they-"
"-they saw one of their so-called 'best officers' in danger of abandoning her post in favor of a situation that made her insanely happy, so they thought it was a good idea to break the whole thing up, and the best way to go about it was to remove them from society, erase their memories, and-"
"Shhh." Chakotay was on her side of the desk the moment her tone changed from flat to frustrated. Before she finished her sentence, he was kneeling by her chair, wiping angry tears from her cheeks and trying to quiet her down. "There's nothing we can do about it now. I know that sounds horrible, but what's done is done... we just have to think about how to deal with it, and how it makes things different for us."
Kathryn pulled away from him and thought for a while. "I suppose it doesn't make things different," she said.
"Explain."
"Well- a month ago, I decided, on my own, that I wanted a relationship with you. Over that time, we found out that we actually did have one fifteen years ago. Something came between us then, or else it would have continued... so really- we're back where we were."
"It sounds too easy," Chakotay said.
"It's not that easy, you're right," Kathryn said. "I'm angry. Very angry. And confused. I don't know how much of my life has been made up to replace you being in it. I don't know how many of my acquaintances were planted in my life instead of being there all along. I don't know what's real anymore... and what's more, I don't know if I can even continue doing my job."
"Why?" Chakotay asked, shocked at that kind of assumption from someone like her.
"It was Starfleet that did this to me. My mind was controlled to suit their purposes. The reason I'm good at my job is because, up until now, I have not disagreed with their methods, and I could genuinely uphold their guidelines because I fully believed in them myself. But now... that's gone."
"Well, clearly that is something you will have to work through on your own," Chakotay said. "That is a highly personal decision, one that my interference with could suggest a serious conflict of interest."
"Why is that?" Kathryn asked.
"If you decide to step down, I get to be Captain." Chakotay let his words sink in. Perhaps later, she'd be able to laugh. "I will only tell you one thing. When I decided to cooperate with you all those years ago, I didn't do it for Starfleet. I did it for you- you and your crew. Not for what they represent, or who they were loyal to. For the one hundred and fifty individuals that became our family out here. We had the same obligation- to get our crew home. We would work better as a team. Before you decide to stop working, think about exactly who you're working for." Chakotay kissed her on the cheek before he got up and headed for the bridge.
Kathryn sat at her desk, still in shock at what she had seen in her dreams that night. Violently taken from their apartment to an unknown location and told that they would be separated, the only reason being 'Because we can.' Knowing that shook her beliefs to the very core. She didn't think she could in good conscience wear their uniform anymore, eat their replicated food, fly their ship...
But Chakotay was right. Out here, she wasn't working for Starfleet. She was working for their crew- their family. They would get home, and they would do it together, with or without Starfleet's help...
Kathryn realised how serious the implications of her disloyalty would be among the crew. She decided to keep this whole change in attitude safely hidden from all but Chakotay. If the Captain was questioning her superiors, it could disrupt the command structure of the whole ship.
So she would wear a mask to work every day, disguising her loyalty to her crew as loyalty to Starfleet, and all would appear normal. It wouldn't be pleasant for her, but she would do it. For them.
Kathryn closed her eyes. All she saw was a distant table, and upon it, a Starfleet terminal, flashing a message on the screen:
Everything You Know Is Wrong.
*****
"I've been doing the math," Kathryn said over dinner, "and some things didn't add up."
"Like what?" Chakotay asked.
"Mark," Kathryn said softly.
"Mark doesn't add up?"
"In a manner of speaking. Chakotay- when were we brought to the compound? What was the year?"
"2362."
"Great. And when did we get stuck out here?"
"2371."
"Right. And how long had I been with Mark? Did I ever tell you?"
"Ten years."
"So I would have started seeing him in..."
"2361?"
"Right," Kathryn said. She sipped more of her wine, then decided to drink the whole thing down. "So they overlap. That means one of two things... either this whole thing with us didn't happen.... or-"
"-Or Mark was asked to go along with what you thought was going on?"
"Worse than that," Kathryn said sullenly. "He was brought in... before they let us out of there. Either he was briefed on the memories they implanted, or they implanted him too. A childhood friend of mine."
"I'm sorry, Kathryn," Chakotay said, reaching across the table to hold her hand.
*****
"What are they keeping us here for?" Kathryn demanded. "If they're going to do it, they might as well just get on with it. Why prolong it?"
Chakotay was being kept somewhere else in the compound. She had spent three days and nights alone, except for the occasional visit of a woman named Allison. She was an orderly, or a nurse, or something. She brought food, hyposprays, and explained a little bit sometimes. Today she could not.
"I don't know why this is happening," Allison said, taking a tray off of the cart and handing it to Kathryn. Here's your dinner. Look closely at it... food keeps us alive... but it can also play a part in keeping us sane." She left quickly.
Kathryn uncovered the tray. Typical mush, three different compartments. But it seems someone has scratched a message in them... the white one read, "Don't fall asleep tonight." She ate it quickly, so no one would see it if they happened to walk by. The orange compartment had a skull and crossbones carved into it. She left that one. She ate the green one, and when she was sure she'd had enough, she threw the orange one down the sink in the corner of the room, to make it look like she ate it.
A guard came to take the tray and leave a container of water. Kathryn got into bed and concentrated, trying to stay awake. She heard the footsteps approaching from all the way down the corridor... she knew whose they were- it was unmistakable. Allison's voice whispered: "I've disabled the sensors in this room... I'll come back in three hours."
Kathryn didn't dare move until she felt a warm body climb into bed with her. She rolled over and buried her face in his shoulder, crying. She heard him make soothing sounds and felt his hand rubbing her back.
She knew there wasn't much time now. She ran a mantra of 'Thank you, Allison' through her mind as she slowly and tearfully unbuttoned his shirt for what she knew was the last time. His hands slid between her clothes and her skin, sending trails of warmth across her body. "Remember," was the only word she heard from him before they made love for the last time. She lay next to him, trying not to sob too loudly, slowly going crazy from trying to control her emotions. She tried to commit the feel of lying next to him into her memory- not to be erased by anyone... she heard his voice, trying to justify any way that they wouldn't forget each other...
"You're the other half of my soul, Kathryn... they can erase our memories, but they can't erase my heart- and that's where you are... if I ever see you again after this, I *will* know. My life will be altered. Irrevocably. I love you. And I don't need to remember you to love you."
Kathryn could hear Allison getting closer. There was a tapping at the door. Clothes were hastily put back on, and Kathryn grabbed both of her lover's hands when the crack of light came through the door.
"Time to go," Allison whispered.
"I will always love you, Kathryn... no matter where I am, no matter what they do to me... Whatever they make me into... I will always love you. Because you changed my life... and now they're going to change it back..."
Their hands slid out of each other's grip as Chakotay disappeared out of the door. The crack of light narrowed and disappeared, leaving Kathryn in darkness. She didn't even bother to find the bed. She collapsed onto the floor and stayed there.
*****
Kathryn woke up again, wiping tears from her face. She looked over at Chakotay, for some reason relieved to see that he was still in bed. She saw a tear rolling down his cheek too. She reached under his pillow and found his hand where he usually kept it. She squeezed it and whispered, "I'm here... it's okay." Tonight, it was her turn to be the comforter.
Chakotay moved his hand away, rolled onto his side, and wrapped his arms around Kathryn. She was so happy that her real life was a contrast to her dream life. It gave her something to wake up for. She stayed awake, listening to his snoring and feeling his breathing on her shoulder. Tonight, she wouldn't kick him.
*****
Chakotay had agreed to take Ensign Wildman's shift this morning, so he had to get up early. He did his best not to wake Kathryn, but he couldn't manage to untangle himself from her without moving her.
"Morning," she croaked.
"Not for you," he said softly. "I have an early shift- go back to sleep."
"Mmm... okay." Kathryn said, rolling over onto her back. She didn't go to sleep. "Did you have that dream... with Allison?"
"Oh, yes," Chakotay said. "I was relieved when I woke up..."
"Me too..." Kathryn said. "When we get home, remind me to thank her."
Chakotay laughed at that, but suddenly wondered why that was funny. It's not funny. He opted to leave quickly to avoid discussion.
*****
Kathryn stalked down the hall toward sickbay. She was almost afraid to go in there, but she was impatient and curious too.
"Janeway to EMH," she called.
"Doctor here," he replied cheerfully.
"How are things in sickbay?"
"All stations report normal," he said.
"Any patients?" she asked.
"None when it comes to you," he joked.
"Are you alone in there?" she asked more firmly.
"Yes, Captain, what-" The door opened and she hurried in. "- is it? Captain, pardon my saying so, but you look like death. Are you getting enough sleep?"
"Plenty," she said, walking behind a privacy screen. "Tell me, doctor, have I ever given birth?"
"There's nothing in your records that states that you have."
Kathryn emerged in a blue surgical gown. "I want you to examine me, doctor- see if you can prove otherwise."
The doctor brought his scanning equipment to the table. "I've never seen you quite so willing, Captain."
"It's important."
"I should say so," the doctor agreed. "Let me guess... you've found a child on board that looks like you-"
"Are you getting anything?" Kathryn interrupted, not willing to discuss why that wasn't very funny.
The doctor scanned, squinted, scanned again, picked up another scanner, scanned again... "You have," he said softly. "It's been covered up, but it isn't a very good job."
Kathryn sat up quickly and headed for the door, still in her surgical gown. "Thank you, doctor." She flew out of the room before the doctor could inform her about her state of dress. He made arrangements to beam her clothes back to her quarters, and began theorising on the possible explanations for what just happened.
*****
Chakotay walked into their quarters and saw that it was still dark in there. "Kathryn? We were worried about you- you didn't report for duty and you didn't answer when we- Kathryn?"
Chakotay saw her finally, sitting in a corner of her bed, with the blanket wrapped around her, staring into nothingness. The expression on her face was that of someone who had just been told their entire family was dead.
He approached the bed and sat next to her, shaking her a little, thinking that doing so would somehow snap her out of it. "Talk to me," he said- practically pleaded. "What is it?"
Kathryn shook her head and closed her eyes, summoning her strength to tell him. She opened her eyes and looked at him. She swallowed. "Chakotay... you're a father."
Chakotay didn't make the connection. "That's impossible," he said. "We've never-"
"Not now," Kathryn said. "Before."
"What?"
"When they came for me, and carried out the final scan... they discovered that I was pregnant."
"From the night before?" Chakotay asked.
"No," she said, smiling- she wished that she could be back there, telling him about it when it happened... but she herself hadn't known. "They said I was six weeks along."
Chakotay wanted to be happy about it too, but he thought of the possibilities and asked her. "What did they do?"
"I was afraid they would kill the baby... I talked to Allison. She said that they would wait until it was born before they did the procedure on me, so I could carry the child..."
"So they kept you there?"
"Yes," Kathryn said. "Allison acted as my midwife. She saw me straight though everything..." Kathryn's eyes were welling up and Chakotay could see the tension building up in her shoulders.
"What happened?"
"We had a son," she said. "But the only reason I knew that, was because the doctor handed the baby to a nurse and he told her, 'Take him away.'"
Kathryn leaned her head on Chakotay's arm. Chakotay pulled her into his arms and she started to cry.
"I heard him cry," she said. "When the doctor handed him to the nurse, I saw a little dark hair on one side and a little red foot... and that was all... and he never saw his mother. He never heard my voice or my heartbeat from outside the womb. He wasn't allowed to make any kind of attachment with me whatsoever... I don't remember anything after that. Just Allison saying it would be okay."
'So that's how our story ends,' Chakotay thought bitterly as he comforted her. He thought of a teenage boy with no parents somewhere, who belonged to them. He wished, as her shoulders shook intermittently with sobs, that he could put it all back together for her... for both of them.
"Chakotay to bridge."
"Tuvok here."
"The Captain's fine... but she needs my help with something. I'm afraid I won't be coming back to the bridge."
"We will survive, Commander. Tuvok out."
*****
For a few days, Chakotay watched as Kathryn dealt with the memory of their newborn son being taken from her. She stayed in bed for most of the time, and Chakotay went back to duty, checking in on her every so often. During the night, he would stay with her as he always did. Sometimes she would cry. Sometimes she wouldn't. But he was always there.
Kathryn recovered- as much as a woman whose child has been taken away can- and she decided over dinner one night that the next day, she would go back to work. "Let's get this crew home," she said with emphasis.
Chakotay raised his glass to hers. "Aye, Captain," he said. They drank. By the time Kathryn put her glass down, he was gone. She turned around just in time to see him disappear into the bathroom. He didn't shut the door.
"What are you up to?" she asked.
"Well," he called from the bathroom. The sound of a filling bath tub overwhelmed his voice. He came out. "I thought that since you're going back tomorrow, it would be a good time to relax... the right way."
"You're running me a bath," she said, smiling.
"And that's not the half of it," Chakotay said.
"Oh, really?" Kathryn asked brightly. "What's the other half?"
Chakotay cleared the dishes away. "Well... I thought that the circumstances of late have forced us to look so closely at the past... that we've forgotten the present. I thought we should spend a little time together... live in the now."
Kathryn grinned, eyebrow raised. "Does that mean you'll be in the bathtub too?"
*****
"I don't believe you got me into this."
"I don't believe we both fit."
"So I'm the first guest you've taken a bath with."
"In this bathtub... yes. And if this wasn't 'Live in the Now' evening, I would tell you just what I remember us getting up to in bathtubs..."
"Oh, you don't have to tell me," Chakotay said. "They're my memories too..."
Kathryn laughed. "Prove it."
*****
"Whose quarters are below yours?" Chakotay asked, as they stood in one of many puddles in the bathroom.
"I think they're Neelix's," Kathryn said, looking down. "If he complains of a mysterious rainstorm in his quarters, we'll know for sure."
Chakotay laughed. "I suppose there would be a few shorted relays before that happens..."
"I'd like to think my ship is more resilient than to have leaky bathrooms."
"After all these years with no maintenance?" Chakotay said. "A likely story."
"I'd like to hear a better one."
"Right this way, madam," Chakotay said, leaving the bathroom. Kathryn followed.
*****
"Once there was a woman warrior," Chakotay started. Kathryn laughed. "The angry warrior kept advancing on her- he thought she was very special. But the woman warrior kept brushing him off, until this one day, when she came to his home, and told him that she wished to see more of him..."
"Sounds familiar," Kathryn said sleepily.
"The angry warrior was surprised that something like this came out of the blue, but he was happy to finally be able to spend time with the woman warrior. Strange things happened, revealing to them both a past where they existed in happiness. But that happiness had come to an abrupt end. Neither of them knew what to make of it... but the angry warrior decided one night to do his best to put things back to the way before. He thought how he could make the woman warrior happy, and decided that he would care for her and make her comfortable... and pledge his life to her... forever."
"What did the woman warrior say?" Kathryn asked.
"She hasn't said anything yet," Chakotay whispered. "But the angry warrior is hoping that she will accept his pledge... and possibly make a similar one to him."
"Is this pledge-making due to take place on a particular date?"
"If the woman warrior wishes to make it public. Is that question to be interpreted as an affirmative answer?"
Kathryn smiled. "Yes."
*****
Kathryn walked proudly down the corridor of Voyager to the cargo bay, with her husband and First Officer at her side, and their two year old daughter on her hip, to give one last speech to her crew before they proceeded to debriefing.
"We did it," Chakotay said. "We're home."
"If my calculations are right, I'm about a hundred steps away from retirement."
"I'll be joining you," Chakotay said. "It'll give us more time to spend with Shayla."
"It's a date," Kathryn said as the cargo bay doors opened, and they were hit by an explosion of applause. "Ladies and Gentlemen.... welcome to the Alpha Quadrant!" More applause. "We did it... it wasn't easy, and I'm making sure all of you be put on an extended leave of absence so you can spend time with your families... I'll never forget any of you. You have all become my family over the last ten years. All of you- welcome home, except Neelix... welcome to a whole new part of space!
"A few last minute things- Voyager will be immediately placed in spacedock. Please arrange for your belongings to be beamed off of the ship to another location. Rooms have been reserved for each of you at the station, so you may stay as long as you like. Oh, and one further item of business... I have decided that it's time for me to retire. You have been the best crew any Captain could have hoped for, and I don't want to keep working, hoping to find anyone better. Chakotay is joining me in my decision. We wish you all the best in the years to come... call on us whenever you see fit."
The cargo bay was quiet, but eventually the applause broke out again, more intensely than it ever had. Kathryn spoke over it:
"Now get to the Holodeck for that party- that's an order!"
The Cargo Bay emptied out, Shayla being handed to Tom Paris to take to the party. Kathryn waved to her daughter, and turned to Chakotay when the doors closed, leaving them on their own.
"I have to have a few words with someone," Kathryn said. "We'll take the shuttle." She started walking down the corridor, very briskly. Chakotay kept up with her.
"Are you sure this is the right time?" Chakotay asked.
"Absolutely," Kathryn said. "I've got them right where I want them... before the debriefing. That way, I have bargaining chips."
*****
Kathryn and Chakotay marched down the corridor of Starfleet Headquarters, past security, past everyone, and directly into the Admirals' meeting hall. Despite the pleading of the intern working at the door, they plowed up to the front of the hall, and Kathryn spoke into the microphone.
"Beck!" she said gruffly. "I want to speak with Admiral Beck. This instant. Where are you?"
The Chairman stood nose to nose with Kathryn. "Beck is in Fiji. He's on leave."
"I don't care if he's at his own funeral," Kathryn said, unmoved. "Get Beck."
The Chairman heard the firmness in her voice and saw the formidable looking man standing behind her, and he nodded to the intern, who set to work getting hold of him.
"Thank you," Kathryn said, easing up a little and taking a deep breath.
*****
"Why do you think they did it so quickly?" Chakotay asked.
"Easy," Kathryn said. "They don’t want to piss me off. Not when I have all the information about the Delta Quadrant under my control. Either they do what I say, or they stall until the debriefing. I’m glad they chose the former."
Footsteps were heard echoing down the hall. Kathryn turned around, and when she saw who it was, she gingerly took Chakotay’s arm, took her chin up a notch, and started walking toward him.
"Beck," she said flatly. "Guess who."
Admiral Beck, now a man of seventy, stopped in his tracks. "Janeway. Captain Janeway."
Kathryn was confused. The tender, fatherly tone he took with her threw her for a loop. How could he be so tender with her after his harsh actions? "Look who I brought with me," she said, a little less harshly than planned. "Recognise him?"
"I’m afraid I don’t," Beck said.
"Let me refresh your memory, Admiral," Kathryn said. "’We have decided that you are more effective outside of his influence, Lieutenant. We’ll do what we have to do to keep you.’ You don’t remember his name, do you? Well, here he stands, and now you know how I felt."
"Chakotay."
Kathryn was impressed. "Very good. But very sloppy job at keeping us away from each other. Sure, it took fifteen years, but we found each other again. I think if you had made sure that my ship wasn’t assigned to apprehending his, this little reunion wouldn’t have happened."
Admiral Beck had nothing to say.
"I suppose… maybe I should thank you," Kathryn said, in a self-satisfied tone. She wasn’t holding back anything. Years of manipulation…
"Maybe you should, Katie," Beck said softly.
"What?" Kathryn managed to get out, in a half-whisper.
"All I did was report you. What special ops chose to do with you was out of my jurisdiction… however…"
"However?"
"Through whatever logical processes they used, they chose me to carry out their decisions as well… halfway through it, I… couldn’t bear to. I thought it was inhumane- ridiculous… unheard of… so, I made sure that the procedure didn’t work the way it was supposed to… with some help…"
As if on cue, a woman in a white medical uniform appeared at the end of the corridor, and began walking toward them. There was someone with her.
"Repressing the memories instead of erasing them," Beck continued, "setting a trigger…"
"The handshake," Kathryn said. "Yes."
The steps got closer, and Kathryn looked toward the people walking down the corridor. The woman was familiar.
"Allison?" Kathryn asked Admiral Beck. He nodded.
"We wanted to give you your life back… then Voyager got lost, along with Chakotay’s ship… we were afraid you’d left an orphan…"
Kathryn looked up at Chakotay, who was still staring in the direction of the approaching couple. She looked back at Beck. "He’s…" For the first time, she acknowledged forgiveness to the man. She put her hand on his shoulder before walking straight past him to Allison and her companion… a slim young man with golden skin and piercing blue eyes… and very familiar features. Could this man be their son?
"Allison," Kathryn said warmly, remembering the food, remembering the messages she wrote, cautioning her about what she was eating. How she brought Chakotay to her at the eleventh hour… "You took care of him."
Allison turned to the boy. "Josh… this is-"
"My mother," a striking male voice said. "I can tell. There’s something about her voice that seems-"
"Familiar?" Kathryn said, admiring her son, and desperately trying not to cry. She remembered the flashback four years ago, of his first cry. The little red foot. The hair on the top of his head.
Chakotay and Admiral Beck joined the reunion in the middle of the corridor.
"I told Allison that they were putting the absorption agents for the drugs into your food," Admiral Beck explained. "She marked where they had put it so that you wouldn’t ingest it on the final day. We had to keep up the appearance that everything was going according to plan. We knew that it would take a long time to wear off… so we decided that the Badlands mission was perfect. We sent Tuvok because we knew you would always go after him, and he would lead you to Chakotay."
"And I made sure no harm came to Joshua," Allison said. "The Admiral and I watched over what they were doing, and then we offered to adopt him. They accepted, and we kept him, hoping to be able to introduce him to his real parents someday…"
Admiral Beck moved closer to Allison and put an arm around her waist. Joshua walked over and extended a hand to his father. Chakotay took it firmly and pulled his son into an embrace. Neither of them would let go. Kathryn put an arm around each of them, looking back at the Admiral and Allison Beck, who were moving slowly backward, step by step.
"I don’t know how to thank you," Kathryn called after them.
"Seeing your life back in one piece is more than enough for me," the Admiral said. Without another word, he and Allison turned around and left the family alone.
"So, refresh my memory, Josh," Chakotay said. "How old are you?"
"Nineteen," Josh answered.
"We should get back to Voyager," Kathryn said to Chakotay. "Hey, how would you like to come with us, Josh? We have a lot of catching up to do… and you can meet your sister."
Then, Joshua Beck Janeway said the words that would from then on turn Kathryn to jelly:
"That sounds great, Mom."
Kathryn stopped and looked at the face of her oldest child. She looked up at Chakotay and took a deep breath. They would have a lot to explain to the crew… this was going to be a long story.
END
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