Two men were in a pub and one of them said to the other, 'Do you know that I never slept with my wife before we got married. What about you?' 'I don't know,' his friend replied. 'What was her maiden name?'

! This means her name before she got married.!

We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.

This is funny because the normal expression is: 'We reserve the right to refuse to serve anyone.' The pronunciation of the verb 'refuse' and the noun 'refuse' (which means rubbish) is different, the 's' in the verb sounds like a 'z'.

A truck delivering copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on a motorway the other day. The local newspaper reported that onlookers were 'stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded.'

The words in green are the words we would find in a thesaurus if we looked up 'stunned'. An onlooker is a person looking at an action.

 

One man said to another: 'I married Miss Right. I just didn't know that her first name was Always.'

Miss or Mr Right means the perfect partner. Always Right means of course, 'never wrong'.

The teacher told his students that the textbook he was presenting was so good that it would do half of the work for the students. Most of the students immediately asked for two textbooks.

If one book does half of the work, two books would do all of it. So the students wouldn't have anything left to do.

My wife is a sex object. I know she is because every time I ask for sex she objects.

There is a play on words between the noun 'object' and the verb 'to object'.

Her doctor gave my wife six months to live, but when we told him that we couldn't pay his bill he gave her another six months.

My wife manages to keep fit by jumping to conclusions.

To jump to conclusions means that someone does not wait before deciding that something is the way they see it and no other way. The sentence is funny because if you 'jump' a lot you will keep fit.

 

Why is number 6 afraid? It is afraid because 7, 8, 9

The pronunciation of 8 is the same as the simple past tense of the verb 'to eat'. So the sentence actually says: 'Seven ate nine.'

It was winter in the country pub and all the regulars were gathered around the fireplace, when Tom walked in with a shabby dog. He told everyone present that, in spite of appearances, his dog was very intelligent and not only could he understand complete sentences but he also obeyed immediately.Nobody believed that this was possible and they all had a bet with Tom that he wouldn't be able to give the dog an order and it would obey immediately. Tom took their money, then threw the poor little dog on the blazing fire and said: 'Rex, get off that fire!'

A regular means someone who goes to a pub regularly.

• Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
• "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
• Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
• "What does that tell you?"
• Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
• Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, it tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
  

This story is about a woman who gets married quite often and she is a wonderful housekeeper. In fact, every time she gets divorced she keeps the house.

A housekeeper is a lady who cleans and looks after a house for somebody else. The joke here is that by inverting 'house keep' and 'keep house' the meaning of the sentence changes, for it now means that the ex-husband must find a new house.

 

• A small car pulled up to a sudden halt.
• 'Have you run out of petrol?' asked the girl, sarcastically.
• 'No, of course not.' Said the boy.
• 'Then why have we stopped?'
• 'You will no doubt have noticed that we are parked in a secluded spot and I thought we could have a conversation about the hereafter.'
• 'Oh that is original. What do you mean?'
• I mean if you are not here after what I am here after you'll be here after I have gone.'

  The Hereafter is 'life after death'. The expression 'I am here after ...' means: I am here because I want something. Pull up means 'stop a car at the side of the road'. Run out of means 'no longer have something which we had before'.

The Pope arrived at Heathrow Airport and because his plane was late, he was late for a meeting.He took a taxi and asked the driver to drive twice as fast as the speed limit. The driver refused so the Pope said, 'Let me drive!' The taxi driver couldn't refuse because he was a good Catholic. So the Pope drove and the driver sat in the back of the car, of course, the Pope was pulled over by the police less than ten minutes later.

The policeman was shocked and called his boss on the radio. 'Sir, I have just stopped a VIP for speeding.' His boss asked if it was Tony Blair. The policeman said, 'No, it isn't. It is someone much more important than him.' His boss then asked if it was Prince Charles.' No, it isn't. It is someone much more important than him.' His boss then asked if it was the Queen. 'No, it isn't. It is someone much more important than her.'

By then his boss was fed up and couldn't think of anyone more important than the Queen, so he asked who he had stopped. The policeman replied, 'I do not know who it is, but he has got the Pope driving him around.'

Women have the reputation of being bad drivers. I am not saying this is true but it is true that they do not know much about cars. I know a woman who went into a garage because she wanted to buy a new dipstick. When the mechanic asked her what was wrong with the old one, she replied, 'It is not long enough because it won't reach the oil.'

 

A dipstick is a piece of metal we use to see how much oil we have left in the engine. The logical solution to this problem would be to add some oil.

 

 

• A women phoned the vet at two o'clock in the morning and said, There are two cats making love outside and they are making a lot of noise. What can I do?'
• The vet said, 'Tell them that they are wanted on the phone.'
• 'Will that stop them making love?' She asked.
• 'I don't know but it stopped me.' He answered.

  The real name for a vet is a veterinary surgeon, which is too complicated and nowadays everyone uses the word 'vet'.

  'You are wanted on the phone,' is a good expression to learn.

A student asked a teacher if he could be punished for something he hadn't done. The teacher told him that we do not punish people for things they have not done. 'Oh good!' he answered, 'because I haven't done my homework.'

 

We can punish people for things that they should have done but didn't do. The student should have done his homework.

• Two men were watching a football game at Hampden Park in Glasgow. Suddenly, bottles started flying everywhere and one of the men said that he was very afraid. The other man said, 'Don't worry, bottles are like bullets and they will only hit you if they have got your name on them.' The other man said, 'That is what I am afraid of. My name is Johnny Walker.'

  'Unless it has got your name on it' is a popular expression which refers to desitiny or fatility. Johnny Walker is the most popular whisky in Scotland.

A man was digging a hole in his garden and his neighbour asked him what he was doing. The man told his neighbour that he was digging the hole to bury his parrot. His neighbour asked him why he was digging such a big hole for a small bird. The man answered. 'Because my bird is inside your cat.'

We dig with a spade. We use a spade to dig.

A burglar broke into the local football club and when the manager was informed about the break in, his first question was, 'Did they get the cups?' The policeman answered, 'No, Sir. They didn't go into the kitchen.'

The joke here is a play on words between the cups that we win and the cups that we drink from. The manager thinks his team are good but the policeman does not.

A woman told her husband that he drank too much alcohol. 'That is not true, but I do like the odd drink.' He answered. 'Yes, but for you 'the odd drink' is 7, 9 and 11.

'The odd drink' means the occasional drink. An odd number is the opposite of an even number. 1,3,5,7 etc.. are odd and 2,4,6,8 etc... are even.

Veni, Vidi, Visa We came we saw we spent.

Living on Earth may be expensive but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

An acquaintance is someone we know well enough to borrow from but not well enough to lend to.

• One man said to another. 'Did you know that we only use one third of our brains.'
• 'Oh, really! What do we do with the other third?'