Star Trek: The Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Starship not an officer was stirring, not even Commander Data. The uniforms were hung, in the closets with care, in hopes that St. Nick soon would be there.
The crew were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of Romulans danced in their heads, And Dr. Crusher in her night gown, and I with my reports, had just settled down with some Tea Earl Grey Hot.
When all around the ship there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed with a very full bladder. Away to the console I flew like a flash, alerted security and scratched my ass.
A voice I heard of a Klingon I knew, told me to calm down that he would alert the crew. When, what to my disbelieving eyes should appear, but an omnipotent being, with eight tiny reindeer.
Q! Dammit, I said lively and quick, I had a thought it was you, you make me quite sick. Tut, tut my good Captain, is this any way, To treat a jolly, old gift-giving guy in a sleigh?
"Now Dasher! Now Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On, Donner and Blitzen! To the top of the ship! To the top to the Bridge! Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"
The being vanished just as quick as he came, The claxons sounded all one in the same. Dr. Crusher and I got dressed and left, We had to go prepare for a mess.
I entered the turbolift, and the Dr. to Sickbay, I said "Main Bridge", like I do everyday. The doors hissed close, the ride began, The computer informed me that I needed a tan.
I entered the room like I've done before, but I noticed the crew, lying on the floor. Mr. Worf, Riker, Commander Data too, all had been stunned, it looked like a zoo.
"Q!" I said, "What have you done now?" "Why play these games, why do it right now?" The entity spoke, quite loud, quite mad, "You all have been very, very bad."
And with a snap of his fingers so fast, He flung the ship into the darkness so vast. The crew all woke up, all dazed, all confused. "What happened?", said Riker, sounding not so amused.
"Sensors report we have left the Quadrant. We were thrown light years away from our target." "We are scanning some ships, 4 to the Port." "Mr. Data, what are those vessels? Tell me what sort."
The ships all fired, the shields all dropped, I started to enter my last Captain's log. But then a voice, I heard from afar, "Greetings to Enterprise, ship of the stars."
"Q!" I said, with anger so much, What have you done now, you pigheaded misanthrop, "I've done what you wanted, I've done it for you, To expose you to dangers, so foreign so new."
The ships are the Borg, they're half man, half machine, They don't want you, you're much too unclean. They want your starship, the vessel you drive, It's technology is dire, for them to survive.
"Q!, end this. End this nightmare. Send us back home, we are now aware. We are inadequate, quite complacent we were, just send us home, we have learned, we assure.
Oh, quite well, you're home, stop whining, now you can continue with the talking and dining. But just remember that I am a God, and that you are all meaningless little pods.
And with a flash of light, and a thunderous snap, the alien vanished into an invisible gap. I filed my report, and we all fell asleep, Not a sound was made then, not even a peep.
I rose, next morning, and found Christmas Day, "Beverly, get up, I'm so jolly, so gay." Christmas is here, let's wake the crew. We have presents to unwrap, not all too few.
So on the Bridge, the gifts were opened, Geordi got a new visor, Data a toaster. Riker got a razor, Troi a wonderbra, Worf a gold batlith, and Wesley, some coal.
I opened my gift, I ripped and I tore. I wonder what it could be, the paper fell to the floor. But to my surprise, a small something popped out. It was a Q figurine, I turned all about.
But then, so loud, I heard a voice around the bridge
Merry Christmas to all, you stupid Fendorian Pigs!!!!!