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From: Liliana (
Subject: Tomorrow's my "introductory therapy" meeting thing you talked about (msg)
Date: June 2, 2003 at 8:14 pm PST

In Reply to: Re: Thanks (msg) posted by Lilana on June 2, 2003 at 10:38 am:

I wonder what they'd do if I told them I'd throw up if they made me take medication... I've never pruged before, but I would probably consider it if they force fed me the medication. Yeah, they'd probably put me in the hospital, so that plan wouldn't work. Well, I talked with my mom and asked her to back me up tomorrow when I will say I won't take the meds. I told her that I have been working sooo hard on my own, so please could she back me up. She said she would see how things go, but I *think* she might help me stick to my decision even though she is convinced the medication will help me.

At least I know my mom won't make me take risperdol (my grandma took it and had hallucination problems). Yeah, I do think that group therapy would be good, but I just KNOW I will start comparing myself to the others and start to feel inadequate b/c I am not the best at being really thin. Of course, when I find myself doing that at school, I just keep telling myself "You can't try to be like them if you want to live (which I do)". And every time I find myself comparing myself to someone else, I make myself eat some cashews (lol I end up eating a LOT of cashews) and it actually helps me feel better, b/c each time I do that, it's like I am giving myself permission to feel okay with not being the best at the dangerous game. I seriously doubt they will put me in the hospital b/c I was, at my lowest, 95 lbs, and am now up to *at least* 106 (?) maybe more- I will find out tomorrow. They haven't told me how much I need to gain, but I'm supposed to keep gaining at least until I get my periods back. And *if* by the very slim chance they decide they need to hospitalize me, I will definitely put you down as someone to come visit me :o). That's so nice that you offered :o) :o).

Actually, I can't tell who has anorexia, which is strange b/c I have read in lots of places that anorexics can tell who else is like them. There are people I suspect of course, but only b/c they are super skinny. Maybe I will be better able to tell once I go to Children's and meet others who I know have EDs.

I have no idea how many cals I am eating right now. I know it is a significant improvement from what I was eating before, at least 500 cals more, which my nutritionist recommended I eat to gain at a quick rate.

Okay, I guess I have rambled on enough. Thank you soooo much for everything- the support, the inspiration (you are an inspiration 2 me b/c you have gotten better!), and telling me what to expect. You will never know how much help you have given me.


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