This affordable phone comes equipped
with many exciting features:

Emergency Button
With 24-hour assistance day and night, you’re never alone with Spirizon. If your car breaks down on the side of the highway, the Spirizon team is there to help with a simple push of the Emergency Button, built in to all 5000 models.

High Speed Wireless Internet Access
-For a limited time you can get High Speed Wireless Internet Access for only an additional $20 a month. Check your email on the go or download your favorite mp3s and play them right from your phone’s headset. You can even download feature length films and watch them right on the your full color LCD monitor!

Wireless Internet Access coverage subject to downtimes relating to SpirNet® service upgrades and acute movements of the moon which may effect SpirNet’s® highly sensitive satellite system.

Video Games
-Play Video games right on your phone! You’ll never be bored with the Spirizon 5000. You can play old classics like Paddleball, Blackjack, and Video Poker, or new games like “Hunt For Bin Laden,” “Trench Coat Mafia Shootout,” and “I Can’t Hear You, You’re Breaking Up!”

Video Game play incurs an additional charge of $20 per week and cannot be used simultaneously with some other features such as Emergency Button.

Prolonged use of the Video Game function can lead to carpel tunnel syndrome and severe eye strain due to the small LCD screen. In case studies, ten percent of users experienced seizures, minimal brain damage and diarrhea. If hemorrhaging from oral or anal cavities occurs, please contact a physician immediately or press the Emergency Button.

Personal Security Sensor
The Spirizon 5000 is equipped with a Personal Security Sensor that will only allow the phone to be activated by its owner’s fingerprints. Thus in order to ensure our valued customers the security they deserve, Spirizon requires that each Spirizon 5000 user register their fingerprints when their service agreement is activated.

Additional Safety Features
Besides coming equipped with an Emergency Button for quick assistance by the Spirizon Team, your Spirizon 500 also has a host of other safety features including:

  • In the event of a fire, your Spirizon 5000 acts as a smoke detector and will immediately contact the local fire department.
  • If you end up in a large body of water from an aviation accident or sinking sea-vessel, your Spirizon 5000 can be used as an Emergency Floatation Device.
  • If you land on a deserted desert isle with no food or drink, most parts of the Spirizon 5000 are edible and nourishing enough to live for 48 hours.

While we at Spirizon care about all our valued customers, in the unfortunate event of an actual emergency, Spirizon will give top priority to those customers whose monthly bill exceeds $400.00. To ensure that you are receiving the highest priority for Emergency Button and other safety related features, please be sure to upgrade your services regularly.

Additional charges apply.

Digital Imaging
This portable communications bonanza also features a digital camera as crystal clear in quality as the voice on the other end of the line. A vast improvement from previous models, you will throw your regular camera away when you see just how great these pictures are. Not only that, you can now take digital video with your Spirizon 5000 using technology George Lucas is using to film the next Star Wars film.

Quality of digital image and video is subject to lighting, time of day, and photographer’s ability. Prolonged use of digital photography drains the life of the Spirizon 5000 and the user.

Additional charges may apply.

International Translator
International Translator is a Voice and Text Messaging service that instantaneously translates your words into over 500 different languages.

In some instances International Translator has proven to mistranslate, resulting in personal financial loss, emotional distress and occasional loss of freedom. If this occurs, please contact your closest Spirizon representative for a rebate.

An additional charge of $50 a minute applies.

Unlimited Night & Weekend Minutes
With your new Spirizon 5000 Plan, you get free Night and Weekend Minutes, coast to coast in the United States and Canada. Other territories and non-US provinces excluded from this offer.

Nights are defined as from the point darkness falls until the sun comes up. Weekends are defined by the lunar calendar. Consult for a conversion chart.

Caller ID
Receive Free Caller ID with regular service. See who is calling you before they even call. The Spirizon 5000 anticipates who wil call you before they even dial the phone.

The Spirizon 5000 is unable to tell you who is calling in the event you are called without its prior knowledge.

Voice Mail
Free of charge, your Spirizon 5000 comes fully equipped with unlimited voice mail.

SpirNet® monitors all voice mail messages to ensure no foul, unlawful or Unchristian language is used over the Spirizon Voice Mail System.

Call Waiting
The Spirizon 5000 lets you take incoming calls while you’re already on the phone!

Double charges apply for call waiting. Additional Charges apply for each call that is waiting and the original call you started. If you receive an additional call while already on a call waiting, triple charges apply for each additional call.

Additional charges may apply.

The Spirizon Babysitter
The Spirizon 5000 can watch your children! When you leave for an evening on the town with your spouse, simply leave the Spirizon 5000 in the same room as your young child and dial BABY (2229) into your key pad. SpirNet® will record all human vocal conversations, movements and correspondents within a 100-yard radius to ensure the health and well-being of your child, because Spirizon is Right Behind You! ®

Additional charges may apply. The Spirizon 5000 is not a licensed childcare provider. If the Spirizon Babysitter results in illness or death, please contact your local representative for a rebate.


Speed Dial
The Spirizon 5000 comes equipped with Speed Dial where you can store up to 10 of your friends and relatives numbers.

Personal Memo Dictator
Record personal messages directly into your phone! SpirNet® can record up to 5000 hours of personal messages and store them for you to be accessed later. Record all of your important personal messages electronically. Never again will you forget an important idea, invention or intellectual property with the Spirizon 5000 keeping your thoughts organized.

SpirNet® has been known to inadvertently record and Re-dispense Personal Memo's to the wrong Spirizon customers. If you feel your information has been re-appropriated to another individual without your consent please contact your nearest Spirizon representative immediately.

Spirizon Speech Assistance.
Because Spirizon is Right Behind You! ®, if you have trouble completing a thought or are in need of major grammatical assistance, you can push the Speech Assistance button. The Spirizon Team will break into your call and help you finish the conversation in a polite, courteous fashion.

Spirizon Speech Assistance is not guaranteed to be 100% correct on all grammatical suggestions. Completion of thoughts by the Spirizon 5000 can lead to unintended connotations, inflections and misconceptions.

Additional Charges apply.

Spirizon Get a Date -
Make A Friend Service.

With Spirizon connecting so many people across the world, it can now help you make brand new connections in your personal life. The Spirizon Get A Date/Make A Friend Service is open to US residents 18 years of age and older. Simply type DATE on your keypad (or 3283), and your Spirizon 5000 will randomly dial another Spirizon customer looking to meet someone like you!

Not good at talking to new people you say? How about a machine? We are lucky to announce that SpirNet® has recently become self-aware and is now looking to meet new friends. And that friend is you! SpirNet® is waiting for your call when you are lonely. Just dial SpirNet (or 7747638) on your Spirizon 5000 keypad and let the fun begin.

Spirizon Get a Date/Make A Friend Service may have limited availability and incur charges upwards of an additional $100.00 a month. The Spirzon 5000 senses fear and thrives on it. Be careful. If SpirNet® becomes antagonistic and/or threatening or requests information that could be detrimental to our forces in a possible machine – human war, please contact your closest Spirizon representative immediately.

The Spirizon Team records all Get a Date/Make A Friend conversations due to recent child abductions and pending “missing children” court cases.

Spirizon People Tracker
We at Spirizon care about our customers. That's why, in this time of personal safety awareness, each Spirizon 5000 comes equipped with the Spirizon People Tracker®.

Powered by SpirNet®, night or day, rain or shine you'll be sure that Spirizon is Right Behind You!® You'll never be left alone in a dark alleyway or deserted parking lot with Spirizon by your side.

Using the latest in GPS (Global Positioning System) technology to track your movements across the globe you are guaranteed that if you come into any form of peril, members of the Spirizon team will notify authorities immediately to come to your aid. SpirNet® also monitors your credit and debit card purchases to ensure your financial well being.

Two-Way Speaking®
Each Spirizon 5000 comes fully equipped with Two-Way Speaking® the ability to speak to other people through a microphone and hear them respond through a speaker, which you place by your ear.

Due to the Spirizon 5000’s many great features the continuous functioning of Two-Way Speaking® has been reduced considerably although the Spirizon Team works tirelessly to ensure your coverage.



Government Warning
In compliance with FCC regulations, it is recommended that the Spirizon 5000 be left in its cradle to avoid harmful gamma rays generated from use of the many additional features. In limited test studies, subjects using the Spirizon 5000 for over 30 minutes became engulfed in a cocoon of tumors. When using the Spirizon 5000, the FCC recommends use of a fifty foot extension cord ear/mouth piece.

Additional charges apply.