Monday, March 01, 2004

Birthday, Geek-style

Phone calls today:

  • Dad: Happy birthday. How can I create a page-curl effect in Photoshop?
  • Grandma: Happy birthday. When can you come hook up my new printer?
  • Chris: My computer keeps crashing. Oh, and happy birthday.

Sunday, February 29, 2004

Leap Day

If you ask me it's not love or money that makes the world go 'round—it's definitely the federal government. Who else would insert an entirely made-up day into the calendar rather than just admit they were behind schedule?

Don't mind me… I'm just bitter that my birthday gets co-opted every four years, give or take.

Tuesday, February 10, 2004


I was just checking out my recommendations over at Amazon when something strange caught my eye. For some reason, Amazon was recommending a blood pressure monitor to me. I mean, I'm sure my blood pressure could use as much monitoring as the next guy, but why would Amazon think I needed one of these devices? Had they expanded their tracking technology to the point where they were now making judgements on my physical state based on my purchases?

So I clicked on the "Why was I recommended this?" link to find out exactly what they had based their recommendation on. It turns out that I might be interested in a blood pressure monitor because I had once bought a battery charging kit and a saucepan from them. Apparently the logic went a little something like this:

  1. This blood pressure monitor takes batteries.
  2. This guy can charge batteries.
  3. People who like sauce have high blood pressure.
  4. People who have high blood pressure should monitor it.
  5. This guy can make sauce.
  6. This guy would like a blood pressure monitor.

Sorry, but I'm not buying it… literally and metaphorically.

Thursday, January 22, 2004

Do you really halve to?

I'm sure we've all heard some variation of this story before. Imagine you're standing 10 miles away from your front door, and each day you walk half the remaining distance. On the first day you walk five miles, two and a half miles on the second, one and a quarter miles on the third, and so on. Theoretically you will never actually cross through your doorway. This is an illustration of what math geeks would call "asymptotically approaching zero." The distance you are from your front door keeps getting smaller and smaller but never actually becomes nothing.

So why in the world do I bring this up? Well, it's the only logical reason I can think of for why Laura always squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. However much toothpaste is left, she always squeezes right from the middle. So my hypothesis is that she must be trying to create an infinite supply of toothpaste. By always squeezing from the middle, the amount of toothpaste left will get smaller and smaller but will never actually run out.

Monday, January 19, 2004

Maybe there is such a thing as bad publicity

Gene Weingarten attempts to contact several of the manufacturers of products found in Saddam's hiding place—no, I will not call it a spider hole—in the latest installment of his column, Below the Beltway. Hilarity ensues.

Next, I tried Allison Klimerman, marketing spokeswoman for Palmolive Naturals soap, a bar of which was also found with Saddam.

Me: Congratulations!

Allison: We have no comment on this.

Me: Look, I came up with a good slogan. I'll give it to you for free. "Thanks to Palmolive, At Least He's Not a DIRTY Rotten Bastard!"

Allison: We are not going to participate in this.

Thursday, December 25, 2003

Merry Christmas to All

So much to blog, so little time. I promise I'll find some time to catch up soon. Until then, I hope everyone's having a wonderful Christmas.

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Congratulations Eric and Kat!

And welcome Carolyn Maxwell Meyer. Jay Allen already took the pun I was going to make, so I'll just have to leave it at that.

Sunday, November 23, 2003

Y-O-U-R. Y-O-U-apostrophe-R-E. …

… They're as different as night and day. Don't you think that night and day are different? What's wrong with you?.

Strong Bad clears up this and other grammatical confusion Schoolhouse-Rock-style with the easter egg in his latest email. (Click the beefy arm on the “Strong Badia Action Cool News 5” sign at the end to hear them all.)

Wednesday, November 19, 2003

I still haven't found her secret supply of crack …

… but maybe I should be looking harder. As I've mentioned before, Laura frequently giggles and talks in her sleep. Following is the conversation that we had upon my coming to bed tonight.

Her: (faintly) Hee hee hee.

Me: Are you dreaming about something?

Her: Mmmmph …

Me: What's so funny?

Her: Just the four of us … as a set.

Me: The four of us? Who?

Her: You … and me … and the napkin holder.

Me: The napkin holder? What napkin holder?

Her: Mmmmph …

I can't even begin to dissect that one. Were we some strange sort of anthropomorphic place setting? And who was the mysterious fourth party in the set? I guess I'll just have to see if she remembers anything tomorrow morning, which, sadly, is not very likely.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Battery Backups are Phat, Yo

I wanna give a shout out to all the peeps over at APC workin' hard to keep it real, you know what I'm sayin'?

We're having some crazy wind out here today—yes, this far inland—and my two UPS units just saved my butt through a little hiccup in the power here. Cable modem, routers, domain controller, desktop (with one of my monitors) all sailed through like nothing had happened. It's all good, yo.

Monday, November 10, 2003

Error 404: Car not found

I parked in spot #404 this morning in the garage. I hope my car's still there when I get back.

Sunday, November 02, 2003

Hast du etwas Zeit für mich?

Even though it was a little heavy on the Jersey Rock and Stoner Rock and a bit light on the New Wave for my taste, I still managed to score 107 on the 80s Lyric Quiz. Should I be ashamed of that?

The 80s are my LIFE: I did scarily well on the 80s music test.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

Just Right

Laura reads the comics in the daily paper from front to back, and I read them from back to front. That means that no matter which one of us gets to them first, they're always ready for the other to pick them up and start reading.

Happy anniversary, my love… even if you do squeeze the toothpaste from the middle.

Friday, September 26, 2003

Simply … Bwahahahahaha!!!

Seriously … I'm still laughing way too hard to make my usual sarky comment, so you'll just have to check it out for yourself.

Saturday, September 20, 2003

Twisting, Twisting… In the Wind

Happy deathday to Christopher's blog. The least you could do is put a sheet over it to keep from scaring the women and children, man.

Porter's Workshop
Porter's Workshop
Where I test out sleazy HTML and JavaScript hacks.
Color Picker
Color Picker
A neat utility I created for choosing a background color.
How to be Scotch
How to be "Scotch"
Hoot man! Here's were ye can be learnin' to be right Scotch!
What's in a name?
They say that you can learn a lot about someone from their name.
The Poetics
I think that I shall never see
A Web page lovely as a tree.
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What I'm listening to

As of Mon, 29 Mar 2004, 00:03 EST