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Kick Ass Pictures’ Mary Carey Rules! 3: Hot for Teacher
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NORTH HOLLYWOOD, Calif. - Mary Carey is in the lobby of Midvalley Studios chatting with her husband/ex-husband, depending on what day you ask.
I don't call him at all because, frankly, he scares the hell out of me. Last I saw of him, several months ago, he was an intimidating figure; today he looks like he's done a couple cycles since then, easily packing on 20+ pounds and his biceps have gone from big to huge. And whether he is the hubby or the ex, he seems to be in charge today, and he's probably the best man for the job: He knows how to handle Mary, and he knows her shortcomings. And he doesn't take shit from anyone.
It's Saturday, on the set of Mary Carey Rules! 3, which marks Mary's directorial debut. Mary, best known to America as the big-tittied blonde porn star who made the California gubernatorial recall election interesting, is now in charge of a decidedly smaller state of affairs, and one in which she is intimately familiar: the porn set.
But it's Hubby who seems to be running the show and Mary, well, she runs her mouth. No, that is neither a putdown nor a revelation. Mary is a talking machine, which is why the press covered her so extensively during the election. She has beauty, charm and, yes, intelligence (seriously, don't let the bubblehead routine fool you). Political journalists would have each written their token story and moved on had it been just about any porn starlet but Mary. That's because through her constant chatter, she is a quote machine - and a refreshingly honest one at that. She's simply incapable of holding back.
She is a girl who doesn't have many, if any, secrets. As an example of her, uh, openness, I will cite the two minutes spent in the bathroom with her as she simultaneously douched and dished about her brief cocaine binge a couple months earlier. "I'm totally clean now," she says as we get ready to exit the filthy lavatory. I ask if she's referring to drugs or her pussy, and she says drugs, but does offer her pussy up for inspection. I lean down, take a peek and a whiff. "Mmmm," I say. "It's got that new pussy smell." She lets out one of her big Mary Carey laughs.
Out in the lobby an impressive group of starlets has assembled: current AVN Performer of the Year Ashley Blue; Haley, Brandi Lyons and August. The newbie of the group, a gorgeous 19 year old named Breanne from Orange County, is in makeup with Maria the Hot Makeup Chick. Breanne has the honors today of starring in the first scene of the day, a girl/girl scene with Mary.
But that scene won't be starting for a while. Things are somewhat behind, which makes me wonder just how long the girls in the day's third and final scene - Haley and Brandi - will be sitting on their sweet asses before they actually get to sex up the joint. Of course, these girls are porn professionals. They're used to waiting.
It's only noon and Mary is fretting about Ashley Blue, who is a few minutes late even though it's obvious she won't be needed for at least an hour, probably longer. Seems Mary phoned her to pick up some supplies. "She just called and said was right down the street," Mary says impatiently. "Where is she?!" I walk outside and Ashley is crossing the street. She looks tired. "Don't tell anyone, but I did X last night," she says. "I just want to go back to bed." We hang outside, smoking.
"Hey," I spit out, remembering something Mary told me a few minutes earlier, "did Mary tell you what Stormy said to her backstage at the show?!" Mary, who along with Ashley was a favorite to win Best New Starlet at the AVN Awards in January, was backstage preparing to present an Award when Best New Starlet was announced. It was the biggest shocker of the night going to come-from-far-behind Stormy. As Mary tells it, she was approaching the stage as Stormy was being hustled back with her trophy for photos and interviews when their eyes met. "Take that, governor bitch!" Stormy allegedly told the former candidate, shoving the Award in her face. "Yeah, I heard," Ashley says tiredly. "That's fucked," I say. "That's the kind of thing that makes you want to shove an Award somewhere special."
"This place is gross," Ashley says, scowling at the studio. Having used the bathroom a few minutes earlier, I have to agree. We finish puffing and head back inside the building Ashley likes to refer to as "Bukkake Studios," because so many bukkake scenes have been shot there. I can't help but think of this as I wander around. Even though I've been on the premises many times, I never had that particular knowledge, and I'm not sure I need it now. I imagine lines of porn-happy wackos culled from the classifieds section of LA Weekly lined up, cocks in hands, anxious to shoot their seed on the victim of the day. Disgusting.
But those thoughts are quickly washed away as I watch the "pretty girl" shoots of Mary and Breanne. The latter is a hot little thing, still a skinny teen but with perfectly large, natural breasts. I watch her on the monitor as she sits around on the set talking to the crew, not even aware the camera is picking up her image, and am blown away by how much the camera loves her. Beautiful. Eventually I feel bad about staring, even if it's only at the monitor (and a porn shoot). I head back to the lobby, shoving my perverted tail back between my legs.
The table is covered with snack treats, which seems somewhat ironic considering the girls - who make their living in the buff - obviously aren't heavy snackers. Nonetheless, it's snack treat paradise: Frosted Donettes, Powdered Donettes, a few cans of Red Bull, mini packs of M&Ms;, Rods Pretzels, Brownie Bites (with) Powdered Sugar, Vons Honey Graham Crackers, strawberry Oatmeal Crisp bars, Lenders cinnamon raisin bagels, Sara Lee plain bagels, Vons applesauce, Ralph's Just Fruit blueberry "spreadable fruit," Natural Creamy Peanut Butter and a big jug of Perfect Low Carb Isopure. Mmmm. Curiously, the only thing I see consumed all day (other than pussy) is the Perfect Low Carb Isopure, which Hubby enjoys after the first scene.
Oh yeah, the first scene. I start to wonder if it will ever begin. A couple hours into it and fellow AVN type Scott "Tickles" Ross has already forsaken the shoot, choosing to take the bus home. The girls are still in high spirits, but the crew - namely Glenn the Cameraman and Hubby the de facto director - is getting restless. With pictures done, the scene set, the girls on the ready, there is but one thing left to do before the cameras roll: capture room tone. For this they need one minute of silence on the set. It is, perhaps, Mary's biggest challenge of the day.
In first attempt, she lasts less than two seconds before she starts clapping to get Glenn's attention. She wants Glenn to turn the camera so that she can watch herself on the viewer. Glenn calls for room tone again, and Mary spends the next 60 seconds hamming it up for her own amusement, making faces, sticking out her tongue and so on. When the minute is up, she cries out, "Thank God! That was haaaaard!" No one can believe she actually made it.
It's a classroom scene and Miss Carey is the teacher, Breanne the student. Mary hands back graded papers to some guys who sit at little wood desks as extras. "A ... A ++ ...," she says, tossing the papers onto their desks. Finally she gets to Breanne, who is wearing a red plaid schoolgirl-type outfit, with her pigtails and ringlets hanging down each side of her face. "You got an F!" Miss Carey shouts at her failing student. "You were supposed to write five million words and this looks like it's about 50."
The distraught girl approaches the teacher, explains how important it is for her to pass the class. "Is there any extra credit I can do?" Miss Carey looks her up and down. "XXXtra credit, yes ... well, let's see ...." Miss Carey takes a peek beneath her student's skirt. "If you take off your panties, I'll give you a D," the teacher offers.
Breanne complies, studiously removing her red panties. Miss Carey lifts up Breanne's skirt again, this time she shouts, "Look, her pussy's just like mine!" No one is particularly shocked that Mary has broken character, or that she goes on about how tiny and hidden her own pussy is. It's one of her favorite topics.
They restart and Miss Carey goes into a monologue that lasts a couple minutes and seems like it will last forever. Finally Hubby butts in, breaks her off. "Too much talk," he tells her.
"It's funny!" she says in her defense. "It's like SNL with sex! I think it's funny!"
"Don't forget what it's about," Glenn advises.
The girls head to the bathroom for a break before resuming dialogue. Thanks to the encouragement of Hubby and Glenn, that dialogue is dramatically shortened. Everyone agrees that it's time for some sex.
Breanne sits back seductively on the desk, skirt pulled up and legs spread, as Miss Carey explores her coed pussy with her tongue and fingers. Soon enough Breanne is on her hands and knees as Mary plows her pussy from behind with a smallish dildo, student moaning with after-school delight. "If you wanna be valedictorian," teacher tells her sternly, "you better cum for me!"
It's a fun scene and, no doubt will be funny with proper editing. And the sex is unquestionably hot - Mary, newly tan, freshly douched and as blonde and big-boobied as ever, is a fine contrast to the smaller, brunettier Breanne.
Back in the lobby, the girls are patient as they hang around smoking, chatting and taking turns getting their makeup done. Haley tells me she's opening a headshop on Melrose, even though she doesn't smoke pot. Brandi and I talk about a scene I watched her do a few months back and about her husband, performer Scott Lyons. Ashley tells me that she and Mary are going to fuck up August when they do their scene. "Are you going to go all Girlverton her?" I ask half-tauntingly. "Fuck you, idiot," she says. "Of course I am." When I see August a couple minutes later, I ask her if she's scared. "Scared? No ... why, what's up?" I look at Ashley, ask if she's going to make August cry. "If she doesn't like ass-to-mouth, yeah," she says, shooting a disdainful look toward August. August pays Ashley no mind, goes on reading or doing whatever she is doing. I know I wouldn't want Mary Carey and Ashley Blue teaming up on me. I've never been much for that ass-to-mouth, myself. Especially if it's my ass and my mouth. I'll leave that to the professionals.
- Acme Andersson
Kick Ass Pictures' Mary Carey Rules! 3 will be on shelves May 2.
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