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I got less than 50% for this essay. Why? How can I do better?

The essay below was emailed to me after the 2003 Year 11 exams. The student was very worried and wanted comments on what went wrong and how to do better in future. This is a very conscientious student who had also done what he should and discussed the issue with his English teacher. Your teachers are always ready to help in cases like this.

The more I looked at this essay, the more difficult it became to say something really useful in a quick email reply, or even in the thorough analysis and rewriting found in the Writing Workshop pages. The other thing is there is nothing very unusual about this essay in Year 11. This is a time when greater demands are being made on your language, and you must be prepared to fall short sometimes as you adjust and expand your skills and personal language resources.

The outcome is this section, the longest FAQ so far! If you think you share this student's problem, follow the many pages of this unit carefully.

What was the task?

There was a module in Year 11 called Images of Men. Students examined a number of texts in order to determine the ideas and values each text embodies and how the concept of "masculinity" is represented in each text. They could then draw some conclusions about how gender is constructed by composers and responders as they create and engage with texts in historical and cultural contexts. It is a very good introduction to ideas and methods needed in Year 12.

In the examination, students were asked to write a speech discussing how masculinity is represented in texts they studied.

For my model answers, I have chosen texts which students have NOT studied, and even referred to one (The Fight Club) which they could never study. I do not want the models just to be plagiarised, even with the best intentions on the part of the student. You may learn from model answers, but must write in your own way in accordance with the texts you have studied and the particular question you are asked. It is unlikely any model will exactly fit that question, but the thinking that has gone into the model -- which I make very explicit -- may help you in your own work.

Here is the student's answer. The original did not do well. The student then sent me this revised version, which is a little better but still below average.

Good morning. Today we're talking about how images of men can be represented. There are numerous techniques used for representation, and we're going to look at a few used in your current text, A Street Car Named Desire.

The first technique occurs on the first page, where the stage direction states Stanley comes home with a red stained package from the butcher's. This presents Stanley as an animal, a caveman who brings home the catch of the day. Through this use of imagery, we get a vivid picture of what Stanley, and stereotypical men, are like.

To complement this caveman image, other imageries [images] , such as "he acts like an animal" and "ape like", are also used. This enforces the original picture.

Stanley is also portrayed through the language he uses. These are [It is] often monosyllabic and unsophisticated. This presents an uneducated, unintelligent person, following the stereotypical view of men as physically dominated animals.

For the character Mitch, symbolism is used. The statue of Mae West is a "price [prize?] won" by Mitch, which works well in effect with the line "men…don't even admit your existence unless they are making love to you".

There are other language techniques. In this article from a newspaper [You need to say a lot more than that about the article. What article? Where was it from? Briefly, what point did it make? How good was it?] , juxtaposition, which is placing two things together, is deployed: "woman talk, men grunt". This suggests men do not talk which in itself is meaningless but when placed next to a contrast is quite effective. This continues to the hyperbole that the five most dreaded words to a man are "Honey, we have to talk".

This [these] techniques and many others will help you represent what you want, and by just using a few will help presenting your version of masculinity, no matter what it is.

Comments

An examiner would very much doubt your depth of engagement with the texts and the issues and values to be found in them. He/she would also wonder how well you have understood the key concepts of gender and representation. The essay is also at least one hundred words too short, depending on whether it is an answer in a Module (Paper 2) in which case it may be three to five hundred words too short, or a section of Paper 1.

HSC Answer Books are twenty lines per page. If a student in English Paper 2 writes ten words a line, that is 200 words per page. Many good students write at least five pages. You do the Maths...

Also, while you have made improvements in the direction of making this read as a speech, perhaps more could be done. The conclusion is also a bit weak; you would try to end a speech with something a bit more memorable.

I just want to read the model essays... Take me there. This is OK if all you want is to study how the different text types vary, but I do recommend you go the "long way" by hitting the arrow below. That way you see the texts talked about in the essays, and also find lots of material on the topic "Images of Men" and also on how to analyse questions, the nature of the different text types, and even more. But it is quite a lot of pages.

To continue with this unit in full, click the arrow below.