Robert Kirby
Kirby: Underwater photography for dummies
Robert Kirby
Salt Lake Tribune Columnist
I would like to get my hands around the neck of the sadist who invented the cheap waterproof camera. It created an entirely new frontier for idiots to injure themselves.
If you are an idiot, you know the camera. The QuickSnap Waterproof camera by Fujifilm comes sealed in a plastic case with instructions on how to take pictures while simultaneously running out of air.
Air, as you also know, contains many ingredients essential to human life, including the important vitamin oxygen. According to the Food & Drug Administration, the recommended daily requirement of oxygen is, well, a lot.
Sadly, humans have not yet developed the ability to obtain oxygen through any other orifice than one or two located in our heads. This brings us to the "water" part of "underwater."
Water contains less than 1 percent of the recommended daily requirement of oxygen. And, unlike malnourishment, maloxygenment (drowning) occurs distressingly fast.
Nowhere does QuickSnap say, "Remove head from water before breathing." The only warning is, "Keep sunscreen away from lens for best result."
Best result of what? When was the last time anyone drowned in sunscreen? Given the nature of American society, the camera should include a warning, "Not for use by those with double-digit IQs."
Although I suspect that the camera was actually intended for situations where the camera might get wet, the Quicksnap does boast that it is waterproof to a depth of 17 feet.
People in the business of rescuing those who rely too much on package instructions know that even a mud puddle is sufficiently deep to experience maloxygenment by anyone who believes that possessing a waterproof camera puts them in league with Jacques Cousteau.
Two years ago this was me. Kayaking in the San Juan Islands was the perfect opportunity to try my hand at underwater nature photography.
I even practiced. I took several excellent shots of my toes at home in the bathtub, none of which National Geographic was interested in purchasing unless I had proof that they were attached to a manatee.
Later, in Haro Strait, I eagerly considered the possibility that a killer whale might surface and eat Boone. Reasoning that such an event would cause a great deal of splashing, I hooked a QuickSnap to my life vest.
Several hours later a darting seal, the wake from a container ship, and my own oafishness all conspired to roll the kayak over.
There is nothing Disneyesque about the ocean. No Ariel, no singing fish, just bits of marine trash and lots of bubbles, each containing a tiny portion of a much larger scream.
Suddenly, the furthest thought is recording the moment for posterity. What is going through your head -- aside from seaweed and water -- is the location of your next breath. It is stressful to realize that this is in the direction of your butt.
Upon being rescued I hurled the camera into the bottom of the kayak where it remained until preparations began for this year's trip. I just got the pictures back.
The National Geographic better have its wallet out. I have in my possession an excellent photograph of an upside-down badly frightened walrus wearing eyeglasses.
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Salt Lake Tribune columnist Robert Kirby welcomes mail at 143 S. Main St., Salt Lake City, UT 84111, or e-mail at rkirby@sltrib.com.
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