An incomprehensive list of rock & roll dos & don'ts. Comply.
The Dean's List:
1.) Record Covers: No old '50s picture of some unexplained dude on it. This is a cop out
& an admittal that you just couldn't think of anything else to do. Hire
a professional or even leave it blank.
2.) No self-titled records unless it is your first record. Don't be a
fag. You blew your chance.
3.) Titles with conflicting terms such as Nobody Knows This Is
Everywhere, Building Something Out of Nothing, Ancient Melodies of
the Future, etc. are not intriguing, beguiling or amusing. They are
4.) Use extreme caution if you put "Rock & Roll" in the title of a song.
It better rock and I mean really rock. If it is a ballad you should get
an immediate ass kicking.
5.) Any record that runs over the 45 minute mark is now considered a
double record and must be judged by double record criteria. You are
making a statement by doing this. Does your record slip neatly between
Tommy, Exile On Main Street, The White Album, etc.? No, I didn't
think so. Edit it. You too boring.
6.) Please issue your LP in a gatefold sleeve!! Just make sure you make
damn good use of the space. A gatefold sleeve is no place for minimalism
7.) Dancing or hand gesturing while holding a guitar but not playing it
is cause for automatic ejection from the club. Don't get mad at security!
Mr. No No Hand did it to his damn self.
8.) If you wanna name your band something that will be mispronounced by
everyone, don't get all pissy-pants about it when they do. Even your band
thinks this is lame.
9.) CD booklets are CD booklets. They do not belong in an LP. I would
like to encourage you to dispose of these if you find them & immediately
call the label for your LP insert that must certainly have been omitted.
Obviously nobody would do such a lame thing as to put a 5" x 5"
piece of "art work" in a 12" x 12" package. I need to smoke.
10.) 10"s are bad for much the same reason. Also they look like toy
LPs, they don't file correctly & basically are just plain ol' full of
11.) It is never appropriate to title your record with a bunch of words
that have no association to each other & do not make a complete phrase or
sentence or what have you. Happy Cry Funny Gift is not an album title.
You will be mentally filed under Suck Lame Do Not Buy Beat Up. Get
your scrabble board out of the practice space, turdball.
12.) Ryan Adams & company have had the audacity to try to circumvent
album length requirements as specified in rule 5 by releasing multiple
albums at the same time. I call you out, Hee Haw. You have only released
a double album in two separate packages. Not only is your album too long
it is now waaayyy too expensive.
13.) Aren't the album covers & t-shirts of animals way played out by
now? Why was this ever cool? When will it ever stop? While visiting a
local shop recently I noticed that of the 20 or so new releases, a half
dozen of the covers had pictures of animals on them. I spit on you &
your lemur. Stop it.
-- Dean Whitmore