STATUS:
Living OUT Large – Warren M
Warren
believes he was very fortunate.
He knew he was gay since he was
sixteen years old. He came out
at a time in Trinidad that he
described as Coming-out Time.
This period during the late
1970s to early 1980s was a time
when it was easy to accept ones
same sex orientation. It was
everywhere he states, Things
were in the papers, almost every
job-site (food & beverage
related) had a least one person
who you suspected or knew was
gay. The popular phrase If you
like it do it was seen on tee
shirts, sported by young healthy
men at numerous private parties
and certain public bars. It was
possible to ignore the stigma
towards same sex preference and
same sex orientation as this
silent movement confronted any
personal fears replacing them
with a ferocious character with
a full understanding of
self-pride and personal
acceptance. It was a wonderful
time to be young and gay. Warren
said.
Yet
his life's journey was not
always filled with the bliss
that he experienced at that
time. Warren was born on 20th
February 1961in Roxborough,
Tobago. He is the eldest of ten
children that his mother bore to
with two different men from the
age of sixteen years old. He
barely remembers any family life
as he describes his mother as
busy trying to survive, whilst
creating his other siblings.
Life was hard as a boy. From an
early age of six I went to
school and also tried to do odd
jobs like cleaning yards for the
neighbours and making messages
for the small businesses in my
village to get money to buy
food. he added sadly.
Warrens first sexual
encounter was at ten. As he
related this experience he
became still, as his eyes
reflected a searching for
something that was difficult to
remember, from a memory he had
buried so far away, for such a
long time ago.
The fact that it occurred at
such an early age was not the
issue. The issue was that Warren
first sexual experience was as a
victim at the hands of an older
man who was known to be the
village bully. It was an Easter
weekend when I was raped one
night by this man. I was liming
in the streets with an older
female cousin and her friends
and after they had gone to a
party I found myself alone and
stranded somewhere in the
village. I sought refuge in an
abandoned house where I fell
asleep and was awoken by two
men. As one looked out to see if
anyone was coming, the town
bully known as Nache beat me up
and buggered me. Fortunately a
policeman was courting a young
lady at the house opposite to
where it happened and he
discovered my situation as he
had heard odd noises coming from
the abandoned house. There was a
loud noise that sounded like a
large stone was thrown on the
roof and then there was the
policeman. Seeing the situation
Warren was taken to a doctor and
the bully was arrested. Charges
were files and Nache was
sentenced to serve five years in
prison.
When asked, Warren says that
this experience did not affect
his choice of same sex
orientation. I dont think that
this had any significance as to
why I am gay. Even as a boy
there were the signs. I
sometimes think that perhaps
Nache saw this and it prompted
his interest to sexually assault
me. He added I officially
came-out when I was sixteen and
moved to Trinidad where I
discovered a whole gay world. He
described this time in his life
as wonderful and free. There
were many parties and many good
times shared with his gay
friends. He pursued his
interests and career in the Food
and Beverage industry where he
worked as a waiter, then as a
chef and caterer. Things were
going well for me. I would visit
my family and village in Tobago
but was happy to be in Trinidad
where I could live the life and
be the person I wanted to be. he
said. I met a wonderful caring
American man that I had a
long-term relationship. The
first hint of any problem
occurred, when he told me one
night that he had to return to
the US as his doctor had found
something wrong with his blood.
In 1985 two years after he left
Trinidad, I was informed that he
had died. Without any
understanding of HIV or AIDS at
that time Warren was confused by
his partners sudden death but
went ahead living his life in
the fashion he was now
accustomed to at the age of 22.
In this period I tried to be
safe and use condoms, but
feelings of trust overweighed
any feelings of safety. After
using condoms with the same
person three or four times one
felt that it was safe to not use
them - Warren sincerely said.
Fourteen years would pass before
he would confront his greatest
challenge.
In 1998 Warren found that
something was wrong with his
health. He began to feel sick
all the time resulting in a lack
of appetite and weight loss. He
recalls that he was getting
ready for a carnival party when
he noticed a red rash on his
right side. Days later the rash
had spread around to his stomach
and turned into painful sores.
When he finally went to a
doctor, he was diagnosed with
Shingles. For several months he
continued to visit his doctor as
he began suffering with numerous
ailments. When the headaches and
sinus problems persisted, he was
diagnosed with Thrush. His
doctor began prescribing
numerous drug treatments for his
varying illnesses. Under his
doctors advisement, he finally
mustered the courage to go in
for a blood test. The results
only confirmed what by this time
Warren already thought and
feared. He was not only HIV
positive, his immune system had
been compromised and the
numerous illnesses were a result
of an acquired immuno-difficency
syndrome (AIDS).
I was not shocked by the
results, it told me what I
believe I already suspected. I
was more scared as to what
people would say and feel about
my condition. He shared that in
the following year and a half,
he had difficulty telling his
close friends because he did not
want to be discriminated
against, by his own community or
those he worked with. At this
time there were so many false
stories and fears being said
about this disease. So many
speculations as to how you can
catch it. Everyone was afraid to
be around you, like how they
treated people in past who had
Leprosy. My life changed with
the results of that test. I now
had to go to the doctor all the
time to get prescriptions for
drugs that were not available at
the public health care
facilities. Money became an
issue as it was becoming harder
to work, being sick all the
time. I became depressed and
stayed away from all social
activities in our community he
continued. At this time Warren
was sharing a house with a
female friend and her three
children. Fortunately she was
not afraid for her or her
childrens health with all of the
‘wrong stories being spread
throughout the country. Her
concern was for his health,
financial security and safety.
In 2001 with his health rapidly
declining, his roommate
suggested he seek assistance and
support from a close gay friend
who lives in Barbados. She
feared that his self-imposed
isolation only made the
situation worse and that he
could die suddenly sad and
alone. She purchased his airfare
and Warrens life changed again.
In Barbados his friend assisted
in his medical and emotional
necessities. Perhaps the change
and the anonymity in a foreign
community were what he needed.
He describes this time as one of
the best moments in his life. He
felt he was in a better
situation with the
encouragement, love and support
he really needed no matter what
his health concerns were. Gone
was the depression from his
shame, the stigma of this
disease and the discrimination
of his sexual orientation. He
began attending meetings for
persons diagnosed with HIV and
AIDS. The participants were both
gay and straight, male and
female.
We are too small in the
Caribbean to separate ourselves.
When you are my situation you
realise meeting people like you,
is important. he says.
In Barbados there is an HIV/AIDS
Support Group with an average of
15 - 20 participants of mixed
sexual orientation. There were
no barriers. In Trinidad I never
felt encouraged to attend the
meetings for gay men only
because I felt an equalled sense
of discrimination within my
community. And for those
meetings with HIV positive men
only, I felt the individuals
said what they had to say and
that was all. I never came away
with the positive feelings like
I had experienced in Barbados.
Being a mixed group of persons
with HIV and AIDS was more
beneficial for me, because I
felt for the first time that I
did not have a gay disease. I
felt removed from the Stigma of
being gay, diagnosed with AIDS
because I realised that this was
not a gay disease. The HIV
positive women taught me many
things greater than my concerns
by listening to how they had
contracted and discovered their
present status. They brought a
greater sense of compassion to
the meetings by their ability to
listen and even share a hug. The
diversity of the group and their
different realisations, by the
experiences they shared made me
realise that you have to be
vigilant all round. HIV and AIDS
are everywhere and not
contracted by BAD SEX I
practised because I was gay.
Warren prefers the public health
care systems in Barbados,
compared to Trinidad at that
time. I had to leave Barbados
and return to Trinidad, because
it was becoming more difficult
to access treatment not being a
citizen of their country. The
drugs at that time were
frighteningly expensive for my
friend to sustain. Due to my
health status I had to spend
eighteen days in the Queen
Elizabeth Hospital (QEH) to
build up my resistance and
strength to travel. All the
staff was polite, courteous and
practiced a genuine concern by
their personal service and
attention. Here in Trinidad you
felt scorned and treated like a
stray dog. he noted. His Bajan
doctor contacted and referred
his case history and current
treatment to a Trini specialist
at the Medical Research
Foundation (MRF), before his
return in May 2002. Estwick
Padmore of Friends for Life (the
only officially registered MSM
NGO in Trinidad & Tobago)
was contacted and was there at
the airport to welcome Warren
home.
Since April 2002, the
Ministry of Health in Trinidad
& Tobago has made it
possible for registered
individuals at specific centres,
the ability to access treatment
and medication without cost.
Eswick is the president of
Friends for Life who has the
distinction and integrity of
operating with a hands-on policy
to serve, assist and counsel MSM
individuals diagnosed with HIV
and AIDS, who have no financial
security or assistance from
family or friends. He constantly
sets aside the bureaucratic
dogma expected from his agency
with the knowledge and skills to
save lives, or network
additional needed assistance,
other than spend that time in
continuous meetings with
individuals lobbying and
fighting for the necessary
development of written project
proposals for financial
assistance. Though he respects
its process and values its
necessity and importance, his
priority is focused on the
common man in the street. Eswick
is the one who is out there
physically and mentally doing
the real work. Because of
Friends for Lifes Peer Outreach
Programme he has been able to
provide Warren and others with
their current accommodation and
treatment. Eswick has saved
Warrens life. In association
with Mrs. Woodroof at the St.
Vincent de Paul Society, Warren
was provided with a shelter over
his head, his personal room and
security, with three meals a
day. In association with Dr.
Amery Browne they have been able
to provide Warren with the
necessary support, information,
treatment and medication he
requires. If there are any
problems, it is Eswick who is
called to act and co-ordinate.
It is at St. Vincent de Paul
where this interview was
conducted with Warren in an 8ft
+ 10ft room, with a bed, two
chairs and a bureau for his
personal possessions. (Though we
were offered the offices
conference room, it was best to
conduct this interview where
Warren was most comfortable. In
his space.) His room is not nor
does it pretend to be the best
of conditions, yet it is better
that he could have imagined. He
is free to come and go as he
pleases, the food ‘is good,
the office staff are supportive
and are just across the street
should anything happen.
I can finally stay somewhere
for as long as I need to, he
whispered.
In its simplicity he is ever so
grateful to all the people who
have helped and showed any
concern and value of his life.
He has few, if any stated
regrets. He has accepted with a
sense of calm and wonder that
this has been quite a journey
that he has travelled and his
situation occurred by his
choices. He affirms that his
friends and their support are
the most important factors that
he needed for his survival,
feelings of self-worth, and
personal acceptance of his
situation. He describes these
actions as so productive for his
mind, body and spirit, like
eating well.
This is only a part of Warren Ms
story, by presenting these
intimate details of his life he
hopes that they may assist and
support someone, anyone out
there who is a similar
situation. The last words of
this interview are from Warren
as quoted:
People who are diagnosed with
HIV and AIDS have to realise
that you dont have to lie down
in a bed and wait to die.
Dennis James - DENI
Publisher
MSM: No Political Agenda
#1, First Avenue Cascade
Trinidad & Tobago
Tel: 1 (868) 624 0150 / 685 0555
Email: msmnpa@tstt.net.tt
deni@msmnpa.org
msm_nopoliticalagenda@yahoo.com
Webpage: http://www.geocities.com/msm_nopoliticalagenda
Website: www.msmnpa.org
Free FORUM: Issue 02 - World
AIDS Day '02 |