la coque Wonderland - Journey through the bowels of the mind
"There's a kind of gap between what I think is real and what's really real. I get this feeling like some kind of little something-or-other is there, somewhere inside me... like a burglar in the house, hiding in a wardrobe... and it comes out every once in a while and messes up whatever order or logic I've established. The way a magnet can make a machine go crazy" - Haruki Murakami
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Friday September 17, 2004

flashbacks (of some sort)

Current Mood:
Along with the weird and strangely realistic dreams I've been having, I've also been having some flashbacks. No, I cannot call them flashbacks, because they are about events that have never taken place. They also cannot be defined as flashforwards as they are by no means *premonitions* of anything. (I hope!) The worrying thing is that they are just as vivid and in-your-face as flashbacks, they can occur at any time when I'm alone, and they are so real that they can be quite upsetting. I had a horrible one a few days ago. I don't even remember when. But it was so damn real.

I don't want to talk about it right now, but it was about one of my worst fears becoming reality.
*shudder*

now you can't tell me *that* is normal! can you?



pondered by menina @ 12:31:38 | in Ponderings of a Weak Mind
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How language is born

Current Mood:

Wow!
I have just read a quite amazing article about how language is born. Up to now it has been quite difficult for expert to establish whether language was an innate ability of human beings, or whether it is just something that is transmitted across generations.

Researchers have been looking at a new sign language that was basically invented by deaf children in Nicaragua, and examining how it has evolved in time. The observations are amazing. Here is a short excerpt from the article:

The language follows many basic rules common to all tongues, even though the children were not taught them. It indicates some language traits are not passed on by culture, but instead arise due to the innate way human beings process language, experts claim.... Then, in 1981, a vocational school [for deaf children] opened, and the children began to communicate with each other. No one actually taught them to sign, but they began to develop a system of gestures to get their messages across. At first these were rather crude and pantomime-like, similar to the gestures a hearing person might make if they had to describe something without speaking. But as a new wave of children learned the gestures they turned them into a sophisticated sign language, Nicaraguan Sign Language (NSL), complete with traits seen in nearly all other languages - both spoken and sign.

It realy is fascinating!
Although I cannot help but wonder how well this sign language would have developed if the children had known no language whatsoever. I mean, since they were going to school, they would have already known Spanish, at least in a written form, so they would already have formed an idea about grammar and vocabulary before they put the language into gestures.
If children had no previous knowledge of ANY language at all, would they have developed such a complex form of sign language?



pondered by menina @ 12:06:01 | in Progress (?)
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Breasts and Pubes...

Current Mood:

I just want to ask one question: Why do we have to accept everything that is dished out to us under the name of art?

I'm asking just because Yoko Ono's newest find of posting breasts and women's crotches all over Liverpool is possibly the farthest thing from art I have ever seen!
In this article, Lewis Biggs, Dorector of the third Liverpool Biennial says: "They will be controversial... Naturally I hope that it offends nobody because there is no reason why it should offend anybody... The photographs we are being given are of a body that is very beautiful, so why should there be a problem?"

uhm... I dunno... let's see...
those breasts look more like some sort of cake with odd icing on it, and the BBC won't show us the crotch, so I don't really want to comment on that.
What I want to as is: why are the sexual parts of the human body always defined as art!? Why don't they put huge posters of elbows or feet or ears maybe!?
Because there is some sort of odd conviction amongst "artists" that there has to be an element of shock or controversy to make anything worthwhile.
Why!?!?!?

ok, sometimes artists make us think about issues we might be overlooking, but hey...
Breasts and vaginas are OLD news! There is enough debate about porn and nudity and all that. Why make people talk about it even more!?

I don't know; I'm not an artist, and I can tell you I don't understand any of it.
I wish people would spend more time doing something moreuseful, like the next article I'm going to talk about now. (see above)

you're welcome to tell me I'm wrong about this, by the way.



pondered by menina @ 12:05:06 | in Progress (?)
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Portuguese Course

Current Mood:

I'm starting to get restless again.
I *want* to do a load of things, but it seems like when I get down to it, I don't really feel like it.

At least I managed to start my Portuguese Conversation Class. I hope it lasts. Our Brazilian teacher, Ethel, said that we need a minimum of 12 people and guess what? We counted 11 on Wednesday!! I really hope they let us go on even if we're just 11 - 11 is actually a surprisingly large group considering this is an Intermediate class in a language which, lets face it, isn't very popular at all. Must be because this is the only class of it's kind (conversation) in the whole of Lancashire!
It was fun, albeit a bit too easy...
Some people had taken their GCSE in Portuguese while others had taken courses years back (and I mean YEARS) and were a bit rusty... I hope it picks up a bit and becomes more challenging as we go along.

I met a load of pensioners. Gosh I still can't get used to old people! I didn't have much contact with my grandparents growing up so it feels kind of strange being amongst old people. I'm just never quite sure how to act. They are all a funny bunch though, and I'm sure I'll get along just fine.
I also met some younger people, although all probably above 30.
I'm sure it'll do me a lot of good :)

We already have homework!!! :)



pondered by menina @ 10:23:29 | in Gibberish
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Thursday September 16, 2004

moron

Current Mood:

*sigh*
I feel like a moron.



pondered by menina @ 14:58:05 | in Gibberish
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Connections

Current Mood:

I was thinking about the positives and the negatives of the Internet.
And I believe there are a lot more positives than negatives.

Think about all the connections you make - how much it can broaden your mind.

In these past years I have had the opportunity to speak to people who come from such diverse backgrounds, going through experiences and situations I would never even thought of. We have spoken about about subjects that never crossed my mind before and I have learned so much I would have completely ignored if I had never met these people.
It's priceless.
To be able to speak to someone so candidly and so intimately about your life, and have the other person do the same. In real life you might know someone, but you would not know them, you might not know their internal struggles, you might not know they are alcoholics... you might not know they are still suffering from the loss of a child... But it all seems so easy and open when you type words on to a screen. People open up to you. You connect. Personaly suffering becomes shared, and the pain somehow diminishes.
Without the Internet I would probably never had spoken to the daughter of an alcoholic, a victim of domestic violence, and heard about their epxeriences. I would never even have imagined how a woman who cannot concieve a child feels. I would also never have realised how many people out there have been through what I have been through, how many feel the way I do. Depression, abuse, PTSD, multiracial background, and more...
It makes me feel so human.
It make me feel so human to read those words, written by someone else's hands, yet so similar to the thoughts running through my head.
Now I feel like I have the right, like I have permission to feel the way I do. Knowing there are people out there who feel the same way as I do, who truly understand, is just amazing. It is totally different from a friend telling you everything will be alright, or giving you a hug and letting you cry, hoping it will all be better. That helps. But a person who has not been through a similar experience cannot know how I feel, cannot expect to know. They can only give a different kind of help.

So I am grateful for everything I have gained and am still gaining from the Internet.
So much more than we would ever have hoped for...



pondered by menina @ 09:38:25 | in Progress (?)
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dreams (part 2)

Current Mood:

I had another weird dream last night. As usual, I forgot most of it - I usually start forgetting my dreams even before I open my eyes! But here's the jist of it.

I was with someone, a friend I think. We were looking for a bus to go somewhere, and we finally boarded this bus with a load of pensioners. The bus drove along and it stopped in a mountainous area, where all the pensioners alighted the bus. There was about 8-10 of us left on the bus, very confused as to where we were. At this point the bus driver, or maybe the "guide" (the one who sits in the front seat on bus tours) turned around and announced that we'd been kidnapped! He said that it was for our own safety. Basically it turned out that we were all "super-heroes" of a very special kind, and that we needed protecting from society as well as from ourselves. I was a superhero who made people's heads blow up. Some other had more useful super-powers. But most of us did not want protecting at all. We just wanted to go back home and lead normal lives, so we decided to escape. We made an escape plan and started running away...

The end just goes all fuzzy and I don't remember what the escape plan was at all. My supposed "super-powers" are just weird! Since when is blowing up people's heads considered a Super-Hero thing to do!?

It was a only a few minutes ago that I relised where all this came from!
On saturday night I went with Giacomo and two of my housemates to see Hellboy, and in the movie the Super-Heroes are confined to a high-security unit where they are monitored 24/7 for their own security (as the world isn't supposed to know they really exist). Obviously Hellboy is a bit pissed off at this and sometimes escapes to go out (mainly to see the girl he's in love with).
But I guess it fits my dream!!
So maybe I'm not completely bonkers just yet.



pondered by menina @ 09:37:03 | in Ponderings of a Weak Mind
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Wednesday September 15, 2004

Little Things That Make Me Smile #27

Giacomo and I both losing ~4kg since we started eating healthy about two months ago!

i really haven't been thinking about many little things that make me smile lately - I really have to try harder!



pondered by menina @ 07:09:07 | in Little Things That Make Me Smile
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Tuesday September 14, 2004

my dreams

Current Mood:

I'm just having the weirdest dreams lately. They fill me with dread and leave me with this lingering feeling of anguish and the distant sensation of having forgotten something but not quite knowing what.

Lately my dreams have crossed the divide between the dream world and real world. It is truly weird.
I cannot safely say whether I am having night after night dreams which are chronilogically connected to each other like a life story, or whether the dreams are so *real* that I hold memories within my dreams of a past I have never lived (of have I!?).
In my dreams I am convinced that my past is my REAL past - a past I have buried in a secret part of my brain, and that I am not consciously aware of when awake. weird of what!?

This is one of the dreams I had last night, the memory of it is drifting away as other dreams followed it:

Something happened, something dreadful, which made me remember what happened months ago. I distinctively remembered finding out I was pregnant, the first signs of a slight bump showing, my mother being there in our house. I remembered finding out while I was in Italy and Giacomo was in the UK, so I couldn't tell him. I didn't want to tell him like that. And then I remember the miscarriage a few weeks later, I could distinctly feel the pain and see the thick blood and me crying. I remembered all this and tried to deny it happened, thinking it must've been a dream. But as this dreadful thing happened I found myself believing these memories to be true. So I spoke to Giacomo, and told him the truth. Told him that months before I had been pregnant and that I didn't tell him and that I then had a miscarriage. I found myself trying to explain why I didn't tell him - because I thought I'd tell him about the pregnancy as soon as I came back to the UK, but that losing the baby before seeing him was just too much for me. I guess I buried these memories and forgot about them. I tried to explain but we argued and he was very upset with me.

Now this dream is just weird! How can dreams make you believe that totally irrational memories are REAL!? The last time I was in Italy was Christmas and I wasn't even going out with Giacomo then. How could I have been pregnant??? How could I have made myself believe it could have been true?? The funny thing is, when I woke up, it took me a minute of so to rationalise my dream and realise that I had, in fact, never been pregnant! Are dreams messing with my brain? This is not the first time I wake up convinced that a memory from a dream was real.
It is also funny how dreams can distort things, and be totally irrational, but still be "believable" - how on Earth did I find out I was a couple of months pregnant and already have a belly showing??? that is just ridiculous! (but it wasn't ridiculous to me while asleep!)
Also, I would *never* lie about something like that. I would never be able to *NOT* tell my boyfriend I was pregnant! It would be even harder not to tell him I'd had a miscarriage!!

But what is NOT funny is when a dream can upset you so much and bring on such feelings of dread and fear and anguish.

What does this all mean!?



pondered by menina @ 10:05:57 | in Ponderings of a Weak Mind
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Friday September 10, 2004

Winter

knotted
     like hair
               on a static windy day

numb
     like fingertips
               waiting for the bus

frozen
     like icicles
               dangling from a roof

dark
     like my brow
               when the memories return



pondered by menina @ 08:20:44 | in Ponderings of a Weak Mind
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Thursday September 9, 2004

Sex-offender Hostels (!!)

Current Mood:

I would really like to know people's opinion on THIS.
Basically, this is a new proposal in the UK:

Residential treatment centres should be opened for the most dangerous paedophiles, says the government ... Each hostel would house about 25 high-risk offenders once freed from prison ... The National Probation Service report said such centres could cut the numbers being reconvicted within two years from 30% to 10%....

So what do you think?
Do you think it makes sense??
Do you think the public would seriously be safer if sex offenders live in such places?
And where would they locate them? In cities? In the countryside?
Would the location be kept secret to protect these monsters? or would the public have the right to know there is such a place near their homes?

There are just so many questions...



pondered by menina @ 15:46:58 | in Progress (?)
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Bodds Closure

Current Mood:

Manchester's famous Boddingtons brewery is to close with production switched to south Wales and Preston, Lancashire. From BBC News

Expected, but perhaps not so soon.
What is becoming of our industry, eh?
Perhaps it's seriously time I made a move...

UPDATE:We've just been warned against making any statements to the media! dear oh dear...



pondered by menina @ 08:18:32 | in Gibberish
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