Blogging The Fifth Nail
Sunday, September 12, 2004
Chicken Pot Pie
I'm home, Sunday Afternoon, nothing to do, everything being undone. Nobody to remind me. Life is about giving your choices over to God. Chicken pot pie in the oven. Why can others not see the unity of the universe. Why are they so blind in their dungeons.
Thursday, August 26, 2004
My home was invaded by several police officers just this last Friday while I was at work. I caught them just after they broke in through a window on my web cam which sends an alert to my cell phone when it detects motion. My phone alerted me to the break in while I was waiting for Investigator Chad Jutz fill out the paperwork after searching my car and taking a disposable water proof camera.
The said they were looking for pictures of two boys who were molested more than a month ago by a man driving a red car and who had a "bump" on his lip. The man took pictures of the boys and so they took all my cameras and my home computer to look for pictures. Of course I am clean, they might find some pictures of me naked, non-sexual mode photos I used once to make a birthday card for a girlfriend once) but that's about it.
At first the search did not bother me too much, since I anticipated it happening eventually considering the way the police think (a sex offender driving a red car committed a crime, I'm a sex offender and I drive a red car, it does not matter I live about 60 miles from the crime and even in a different state). They can get away with the search warrant because I am a sex offender and no one is going to blame them if they find nothing since I am guilty by historical fact.
But after the first night home I could not sleep, I felt just like I had been burglarized, but what made it worse is I could not call the police to help me get my property back, they were the ones who took it! They made a mess of my house, and I have not cleaned it up since (almost a week has gone by). I can hardly bring myself to even go home. It took me a couple of days to figure it out, but the reason is that a home is someplace where you feel safe and secure. That's what "at home" means. Well, all my security went out the window when the cops came in. They even took my home security system (web cam) so I can't even monitor my house anymore from my cell phone like I'd become accustomed to (I have a web enabled phone, so I could actually get live images from inside my apartment anytime by just flipping it open and pushing one button).
I am now 99.99 percent sure I will move to a different state as soon as I graduate and can find a job in a state where I'm not required to register.
Monday, August 23, 2004
Letter To My Step-Brother and Sister:
What you believe has a direct bearing on how you perceive the world. If you can change what you believe, you can change your world. If you can’t change what you believe, then you are not free. Don’t let your beliefs bind you. Instead use the power to change what you believe to free your spirit. Choose to believe that God’s Love is in everything, no matter what we have been taught. If this were not true then God’s Love would be limited. God’s Love is not limited, so it must be there even when we can not see it, or feel it with our limited emotions and views (Our view is always limited, only God’s view is infinite). I take this to the extreme. I believe God’s Love is in Satan. I’ve seen it, but did not recognize it at first because my limited perception could not see past the contradiction. But contradictions can only become manifest in a limited reality (our reality—Satan’s domain). Contradictions are not possible for God. The very definition of a contradiction requires that two limited conceptual elements disagree. The elements must be limited, because something that does not have limits can not have contradiction because the only thing it could ever contradict would be itself. So contradictions hide the truth from us by causing us to focus on the elusion, instead of the Truth—the Truth is that God’s Love Knows No Bounds! What has happened in our past is, by definition of our limited existence, not changeable. And since we have no control over the past, the past is not relevant, it simply does not matter. The only thing that matters is what we can change. And the only thing we can change is what we do, think and feel this instant, right now! I’m sure you have heard this a million times, “To live in peace we must learn to let go of our past.” I’m not talking about forgetting what we have learned, or who we are, or where we come from. I’m saying embrace these things, as your friends. But also be willing to let them go and be what they are on their own. They do not own you and you do not own them. The past does not need us, and we do not need the past. We only need the present, and it is provided by God’s Grace. Your past owns it’s self, and just like a good friend their can be no debt between you. Does any of this make sense to you? I hope so. I really enjoyed my visit and getting to spend time with three really special people. These are not idol words, you all made me think about what is important to me, and that would be you—Family! I’ve already indulged in my greediest desires, and have discovered first hand that Satan has no Power over Gods Truth.
The Lion Queen
The following is a quote from a book I would like to write someday...(Yes, I wrote this)
Jan had always resented the fact that his parents were separated, more than the fact that his relationship with his father was sexual. Maybe if his father had actually attempted to act out his feelings things might have been different. But, daddy had never actually committed anything that would constitute an act of incest. To Jan incest was just one of those words that people liked to use for drawing imaginary lines in their worlds. The lines were necessary so they could point and say, “That is bad” (ergo, “I am good.”) So when the pre-sentence investigator made his report to the judge about Jan’s upbringing, he made sure to point out that Jan had come from a “normal” family and nothing “bad” had every really happened to him. The implication of course was that Jan was somehow inherently bad, and therefore the only one who could be blamed for this heinous crime. Society, the system, and by association, the investigator himself could be of no blame, and by default were of course completely innocent. It seemed to Jan as though the real intent of this hearing was to establish the innocence of society, by placing the burden of guilt completely on the shoulders of a fifteen year old boy. If Jan is evil, then society is pure and innocent, the proverbial victim, and order is restored. “This young man has no excuse for his heinous behavior.” Spit the prosecutor. There was that word again. Jan had looked it up in a tattered old dictionary the night before in his jail cell. It meant, “Grossly wicked or reprehensible; abominable.” He had to look up the words, grossly, reprehensible, and abominable too. More words for drawing lines, separating Jan from the “good” people. The prosecutor continued his contempt of Jan, “Your honor, the people are afraid. We are afraid for our children, and we are afraid for our own safety. “
Saturday, August 21, 2004
Search warrant, Or Burglary?
So, we live in a country where the police can legally enter our homes against our will and take whatever they think they might be able to use against us in a "court of law." They don't have to ask, they don't have to have a good reason, they only have to have probable cause, which translates to "nothing." I was robbed yesterday by the police. They took my home computer, my digital camera, my camcorders (which I was using for home surveillance) and a lot of regrettable media. Supposable they were looking for pictures of a crime, but I think they were looking for anything they could find to convict me for anything they can. Fact is, there is nothing on or in anything they took that is even remotely illegal. I keep my nose very clean, knowing all along that my so called "rights" are just an illusion that the government uses to keep me complacent. I figured something out though. I always wondered what the point to the "right to remain silent" and the "right to an attorney" were all about. I mean, the government pretty much does what it wants, so why does it propup such phony pointless rights? I never really understood until now; they use these "rights" to justify aggressive police tactics, like search and seizure. If the police were anywhere near honorable then they would ask first, and the term "innocent until proven guilty" would be more than just words. I would have gladly let the police look at my computer and scan my recordable media, they didn't have to take it. They could have looked at it with out tearing my house about, and taking all my personal tapes of my family and friends. We shouldn't need attorneys to deffend us from false accusations. Instead, there should never be any false accusations. The police should never act unless they have proof, not some shaddy notion they call probable cause.
Friday, August 06, 2004
Cop No Show
My attitude is now this: if the police want to supervise me, then they are going to have to figure out a way to do it without my cooperation, because I'm getting tired of the harrasment.
Thursday, August 05, 2004
I took the afternoon off to study for a Chemistry exam tomorrow. While I'm making okay progress on the material, I am more than a little distracted knowing that the police are going to pay me a visit sometime today to do their regular registered sex offender address check. I always get agitated when dealing with the police. What amazes me is when people say, "If you're not doing anything wrong then being around police shouldn't bother you so much." Well, these people have obviously had little-to-no dealing with police, or they are the police. I don't like the police, and I don't much care if they don't like me (which judging by sneers and snide comments I have received from the police in the past, they certainly don't like me). They live in a world were "right" and "wrong" are absolutes, which any thinking person realizes of course is ridiculous. I believe there is "right" and "wrong" but I realize intimately that these are relative to my perceptions of reality, which as I just mentioned in an earlier blog entry, is almost totally in my head. So, I don't expect others to see the same things as "right" and "wrong" as I do, but I will defend what I think is "right" to my own death, but I would never expect someone else to fight for my belief. It is all belief. I believe intentionally hurting another person is wrong, and if I see you hurting another person, and that person asks (directly or indirectly) for help (in other words, they also think what you are doing is wrong) then I will step in. But if that other person indicates they do not want my help, then I will not impose my belief on them, though I might tell them what I think. The issue of adults hurting children is a tricky one, but clear in my mind though difficult for my to express without sounding callus, while I am really very compassionate, only recognizing the true consequences of imposing my beliefs on other people as more harmfully than any harm one person could ever inflict on another. I have long believed and have often expressed; nothing you (one person) can do to me will make me anywhere near as angry as what the system has already done and is doing to society and every one in it this very moment.
What Is Reality?
Some time in the middle of last night I had a waking illusion, I woke up, and while fully conscious (well, maybe not fully, but enough the realize what was going on) I saw a dog in my room. I knew immediately it was an illusion, and I just waited for it to dissolve as I further awoke. I have these type of illusions frequently, but always when I am half asleep or half awake. They intrigue me. They are manisfestations of my mind, and yet what isn't? They make me realize that everything I see, feel, hear, and smell, are all manisfestations of my mind. The only, and important, difference is that when I am fully awake the manisfestations are triggered by on external stimulus. But everything I experience is still just an illusion loosely based on the "real" world. A "Matrix" world is not only possible, but technically very feasable. All one would have to do is proivide the brain with "hints" and it will do the rest. Am I dreaming such a dream now? Am I?
Even though the chances of a child being abducted by a stranger are less than the same child being struck by lightening, or bitten by a shark, children today are preoccupied with that fear. Fear is the beginning of isolation, confusion and hate. All governments know that the biggest threat to their power over the people is unity amongst the people. Governments throughout history have sought ways to disrupt that unity. Our government is the master of this technique. It is routine and even expected for our children to turn in their parents if they even suspect they are not conforming. Our children are taught in schools, "Do not talk to strangers, they are dangerous and want to hurt you." "If any adult makes you feel uncomfortable, run away and report them immediately." "The police are your friends."
What a great way to keep our children from learning new things and thinking for themselves. The last thing the government wants you to do is think, the first is to feel...Fear!
Sunday, August 01, 2004
I dreamed again last night about being back in prison. This time it was the lack of companionship that seemed to be emphasized in the dream. In the dream I stood in the day room looking at the other inmates and felt terribly alone, and frustrated, because the inmates were for the most part a bunch of losers and I just didn't fit in. In the dream I was also transported to a juvenile jail. When I realized I was in a juvenile center I yelled at the guards, "This is wrong! I'm 40 years old, I don't belong here!" They said that I did, and there was no mistake. Weird.
First Line of Defense
I decided to hire an attorney to help in situations where I am being investigated just because I am on the "List of usual suspects." It cost me $500 out of pocket, but I think it could end up being well worth it for my own peace of mind. The attorney already saved me the headache of having to deal with the police who called the other week and wanted me to drive 45 miles just so he could eliminate me as a suspect. What a hassle, I also spoke with this attorney about the possiblity of filing a harasment law suit.
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