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Crazy Train or Emotional Subway Attack [Sep. 17th, 2004|12:44 pm]
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This morning I had the most bizarre subway ride. I board the Number 3 train at Grand Army Plaza after 9 a.m. Find a seat, then settle into reading Henry James for class. I hear a woman’s voice gradually rising in volume. She is preaching the “Lord’s” word to the train car’s sleepy riders. Of course, I had forgotten the headphones for my subway evil sounds blocking device. The train stops and starts.
The words denigrating “gay devils” reach my ears. I stand up.

Me: “Excuse me, but do you mind keeping your voice down, I am trying to read.”

Preacher Lady: (screams) “I got to testify.”

Preacher lady hitches up her skirts and tells me that I am going to hell for interrupting you-know-who’s word. Two or three OTHER Christian ladies on the train start shouting at me and discussing my prospects as the Devil’s prison bitch. The last straw was a 50 something red faced man in a suit slamming his Bible towards my face.
There was only one thing I could do.

Me: “If you all don’t lower your voices and cease calling me Satan, I will have to sing show tunes.”

The other straphangers look at me with stony faces.
I begin to sing.
“Its very clear, our love is here to stay. Not for a year, but forever and a day…”

Preacher lady and the Jesus police start mumbling and beseeching G_d to strike me down and boil me in molten tar. (I look better in silver.)
The train reaches Wall Street. Confused subway riders check out the scene. I begin swaying and feeling the music.

The slamming Bible man looks like he is going to pop a blood vessel. “I cast ye out, Satan.”

I go into jazz dance crouch and then spring up to belt out, “THAAAAAAT OLD BLACK MAGIC, HAS ME IN A SPELL…”

Bible man has to get off the train as I wriggle and shimmy. “That same old witchcraft when your eyes meet mine!”


“So when you walk alone and forlorn, and hear that Cadillac horn remember, love isn’t born, its made…and that’s why every window has a window shade…bad a biddle be bop…”

I try to discuss freedom of religion with the ladies, but all attempts at reasonable discourse fail.

By 34th street, the last of the Christian word warriors has left the train. 3 subway riders shake my hand and say, “I have always wanted to tell those idiots to shut up! Bless you.”

I am shaking. I don’t know what comes over me at times like this. I only know that I cannot stay silent. I wish that I had my ukulele with me.

At 42nd street, a woman strides into the car and starts PREACHING. The entire car bursts into laughter. I interrupt this new preacher lady and note that she is wearing a flowered straw bonnet.

Me: “Excuse me, Ma’am…but I must warn you that there has been a 12 subway stop donnybrook regarding the unwanted intrusion of religious beliefs into our morning commutes.”

Preacher Lady 2: “I got freedom of speech! And GOD TELLS ME THAT THE GAY DEVILS ARE CONTROLLING NEW YORK.”

Me: (standing up) “If you do not cease and desist fouling the air with homophobia, I must sing…SHOW TUNES.”

There are now 3 or 4 gay men on the train. They start laughing.

Preacher Lady 2: “The Lawd says you are going to …” (litany of punishments that would be fun with the right person).

Me: (sings) “The Girl that I marry will have to be, as soft and as sweet as a nursery… the girl I call my own, will wear diamonds and laces and smell of cologne…”

One of the boys on the train starts to harmonize.

Preacher Lady 2 makes her way down the car, pointing and exclaiming, “I have met the devil right here!”

Me: (sings) “Whatever Lola wants, Lola gets…”

Dancing around the subway poles and doing my best Gwen Verdon kicks, I feel the spirit in me.

I close with “Pennies from Heaven” and make sure to get the Jazz Hands in for good measure.

As Preacher Lady 2 runs to the next car at 72nd Street, the doors open, a perfect end of song button for my gay pointing gesture.

The subway riders break into applause and I bow. Rock on.

Several straphangers whisper, Happy New Year to me in Hebrew.

An Orthodox lady hands me an orange.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry.


This was written by K.R. Munson
Copyright 2004
Please give credit when quoting this material.
Please don't steal my stuff.

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[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 05:04 pm
I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

If it helps... I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

*hugs* And Lola sends you puppy kisses.
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 05:04 pm
well done! i applaud you from cubicle-land!

Shanah tovah, my friend.
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 05:06 pm
you are my new hero, forever more.
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 05:08 pm
*completely fucking doubled over and in pain from mirth*

You rock my world.

Like hey whoa, you just called me.

Re: New York - I am going to be & plead w/Maria to try to get her to come to New York on Columbus Day weekend as she originally thought... but if she cannot, maybe I'll just come back anyway. Lemme crunch the numbers, as they say...
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 05:13 pm
Hi, I'm a friend of of E's and C's on the west coast!

Will you marry me???

I think I'm in love...

Date:September 17th, 2004 - 05:26 pm
WOW... amazing entry!!! You should come do the same over here on our underground train!!!
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 05:26 pm
*trying to recover from a massive fit of giggles*

Go you! And you even did jazz hands!


[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 05:28 pm
This is so utterly lovely.
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 05:37 pm
BRAVO!! to be a fly on that train. my buddy anarqueso once surrounded a group of Christians with her clown posse at SF Pride. they were the only thing that could shut them up. but you win for single-handedness(harmonizing aside)
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 05:53 pm

oh my god

that was just too precious for words. i've developed a spontaneous crush.

nothing that fun ever happens to me on the subway. but last week i got into a shouting/swearing match with a 35-ish year old man during the evening rush hour. the subway was crowded and an older gentleman with a cane got on the train, and i vacated my seat and said to him "here, you can have my seat." anyway, 35-year-old-asshole-man takes the fucking seat. i'm all "you know what? you need to stand up right now, i'm offering my seat to this gentleman, not to you" and asshole is all "blah blah blah i had a long day blah blah" and i'm all "you know what? i don't give a good goddamn about your long day. you need to stand the fuck up." and it went on like that long after someone else had given their seat to the older guy with the cane.

one day i'm going to get punched or shot at or something. i yell at somebody on the subway at least twice a month.

next time i'll try going the showtunes route. good on ya.
Re: oh my god - (Anonymous)
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 06:18 pm

And, you know, mazel tov.
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 06:25 pm
Brilliant beyond words.
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 06:28 pm
you're the best. [info]slanted_truth has linked to this wonderful entry.
don't ever stop.
i think i'll link to it too, in [info]post_queer.
thank you.
and happy rosh hoshanah.
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 06:33 pm
Please may I post this to [info]readers_list?
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 06:41 pm

Kilty says . . .

. . . you rule.
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 06:50 pm
No way! Did this really happen? It sounds too good to be real.
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 06:54 pm
ny anti violence project ( loves collecting hate crime data, (subway) harrassment included.

call 'em up and share. 212.714.1141
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 06:57 pm

OMFG, it IS a Shana Tovah!!

I followed you here via Epilady (and I've seen you around on PQ) ...kudos to you for 1) standing up to those fuckers (I lived in Brooklyn many moons ago and am intimately familiar with the whole proselytizers-on-the-subway bullshit) and 2) doing it WITH SUCH STYLE!!

We have too many mutual LJ friends for me not to friend you immediately. I hope this is okay.
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 06:59 pm
I read this off Reader's List. I'd like to shake your hand. That is FANTASTIC.
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 07:03 pm
a 12 subway stop donnybrook regarding the unwanted intrusion of religious beliefs into our morning commutes

You are officially Memoried. May I post this on the PRHMK messageboard? I think your fans there would appreciate it.

Also: Did you ever see Subway Stories? It's a good movie but somehow not as good as the real stories from people I know. No one would believe how weird the subway is. Someday I'll tell you about "I'm Tired."
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 07:04 pm
sweet jesus, i can't believe that a total stranger just made milk come out of my nose.

behold, the power of jazz hands.
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 07:06 pm
what a fabulous laughcry you gave me. thank you.
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 07:06 pm

Give 'em the ol' razzle dazzle

you ROCK
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 07:08 pm
I came from [info]readers_list. One of the best posts I have read in a while. That is exactly what a journal should be about: you took a surreal incident and relayed it beautifully and coherently. Kudos.
[User Picture]
Date:September 17th, 2004 - 07:10 pm
too fucking funny. yay! :)
Fabulous! - (Anonymous)