Oh no! Have I got the WRONG DAVE GREEN?

This page last updated April 14th 1997.

OK, this started out as one of those amusing "Look, here are some people who share the same name as me" pages, much in the manner of the original Stephen Kings' page, only without the obvious celebrity connection.

But now it has acquired a far more sinister tone.

Now, my life is dogged by the persistent rumour that, I, Dave Green the mediocre technology journalist, am some sort of fictional character. That the very name "Dave Green" itself has become an Alan Smithee-style pseudonym for net writers either unhappy with their work as published - or (as I personally prefer) too afraid of the repercussions to use their "real" names.

Personally, I don't know whether to dismiss these rumours, or try to encourage them. But before embarking on a course of action, I must consider the futures of all the other online Dave Greens, of which there are at least 10. Will I be condemning us all to a lifetime of cult fictional non-existence?

And, looking down the list, wouldn't that perhaps be the best place for all of us?

1. Dave Green's Homepage

"Here is my home page. I hope that you enjoy it (even a little), and keep coming back - it will change often." That's the optimistic promise of this 30 year-old computer engineer who "fixes Apple Macs and PC's." "I am a PC fan above Macs," he confides, "but they pay better for Mac engineers - what can I say!" If you have anything to add on this contentious subject, Dave provides no less than 4 phone numbers and 4 email addresses you can use to contact him, so do get in touch.

2. Dave Green, "The Chicago Piano Man"

No, he doesn't tune, sell or move pianos - The Chicago Piano Man actually plays them, and here's your chance to "read about the life and times of one of Chicago's most interesting entertainment personalities!" Who could resist an opportunity to learn more about his "unique style, rare class of talent, and personal charm (including the trademark derby hat)"? Dave Green, "The Chicago Piano Man", should not of course be confused with the moderately famous UK jazz bassist, Dave Green, who I expect is the guy in this mod band although, the closer I look, the less I can be sure.

3. Dave Green's Catalogue of Galactic Supernova Remnants

Phew, back on this side of the Atlantic - but still dealing with some pretty obscure stars (ho ho) - is the Dave Green of the Mullard Radio Astronomy Observatory in Cambridge. To you or me, the very idea of "Galactic Supernova Remnants" may sound dull, let alone a whole catalogue of them, but Dave has gone to some trouble to provide "detailed listings" for all 215 SNRs, right down to "the list of other names for Galactic SNRs" (!). If radio astronomy and exploding star debris is your game, then this is surely the Dave Green you're scanning for.

UPDATE! This very Dave Green contacts me in person (possibly by checking his referrer logs, possibly by some more disturbing means), in order to both point out a broken link (now fixed) and to say:

Although my work page on supernova remnants may not be terribly interesting to non-Astronomers, do also please have a look at my home homepage (below, particularly the "coxing" link) for something a bit more interesting :-) www.cam.net.uk/home/DaveGreen/

4. Pollination Advice from David Green

Sounds a little racy, I know, but in fact another slightly dry academic - we're a brainy bunch, us DGs! Dave's learnt about beekeeping the hard way, and offers harsh but fair advice to the beginner. And if you're wondering about the quality of his own swarm, rest assured they're both "healthy and queenright. They are treated for varroa mites and foulbrood, and selectively bred for resistance to tracheal mites, chalkbrood and other diseases."

5. NASCAR Online: David Green

And no-one's net-trawl could be complete without stumbling across a second-division sporting semi-celebrity with the same name as you. In my case, my active alter-ego is certainly "no longer a rookie on the NASCAR Winston Cup Series" (NASCAR is some sort of American motor racing, a fact I confidently assert from my knowledge of a videogame named after it). Nice to know that he is "one of the sport's true gentlemen", whatever the sport may turn out to be, and that his favourite film is, appropriately enough, Fast Times At Ridgemont High. It's not quite as good as my friend Dan O'Brien, who is also a moderately well-known US decathlete who seems to have had some drinking problems and now runs a scheme for underachieving schoolkids. But NASCAR's David Green does introduce a general motor-racing theme to this page, the significance of which will rapidly become apparent.

6. Dave's Homepage

OK, now this is getting spooky. Visitors to the original version of this page may recall my observation that all Dave Greens on the net appeared to be in their twenties, variously obsessed with Star Wars, computers, and other - how shall I put this? - "related interests". Was it because all net users were like this, or had the very name Dave Green somehow shaped their delicate destinies? To settle the issue once and for all, this Dave Green, a student at Sheffield Hallam University, likes aviation, Amigas, motor racing, and unsuitable MIDI versions of indie-rock tunes. A description of my own hobbies could not be closer. The nature vs nurture debate must now be considered totally redundant.

7. Dave Green's Home Page

At last, my first "volunteer", who mailed me recently with the encouraging words: "Nice idea for a page". Dave hails from Toronto, Canada, and introduces himself as "the Still Photography Technician in the School of Image Arts at Ryerson Polytechnic University". But it's not all work, work, work: DG also likes Motorcycles, Mountain Bikes, Photography, Friends - and photographs of motocycles, mountain bikes, and his friends. Oh, and Formula 1 Motor Racing (photographic or otherwise). You beginning to see the pattern here?

8. Film Director, David Green

Crashing on. Possibly the most conventionally famous Dave Green of the lot, if being responsible for the films Buster (starring Phil Collins) and Wings Of The Apache (starring Nicolas Cage) can technically be considered "fame". In fact, I suspect this is the same guy that eventually gave up movie directing and formed the UK production company September Films, who made the TV shows Hollywood Wives, Hollywood Kids etc, so actually a case of a Dave Green who seems to have made good, for a change.

9. Some Short Shit by David Green

An alarming, yet reassuring, insight into how I might have turned out had I gone into beat poetry rather than technical journalism. Don't be put off by the free-verse rhythms of the first piece ("just Bird and me doing our word thing doing our jazz jazz jazz hip hop rap blend/varying on varying sound silence"), the almost Mark Leyner-esque prose of Living With Madonna has a marvellous tone to it ("Madonna, by my side always, holds my hand, keeping me in stitches with her warm and gentle humor. She has a running gag with a Japanese photographer too polite to criticize the blurry photographs she shows him from her purse."); it's almost enough to make you forgive the terrible "twist" ending.

10. Dave Green, Prime Minister Of Israel

Well, you may know him as David Ben Gurion, but, as we learn from this page, Israel's first ever PM was "born David Green in Plonsk, Poland in 1886". Less of a fun guy than some we've visited so far (and that includes the Galactic Supernova Remnants man), this Dave Green "established a Zionist youth group called Ezra" while still a young boy. Tragically, the page offers little insight into whether my occasional sightings of David Green Road are named after him, or who'd win in a fight between him and that other famed pugilist, Dave "Boy" Green (no link available).

Daves Which I'd Like To Know More About. Or Would I?

Unconfirmed sightings of Dave Greens which may (or may not) be the same ones mentioned above. Any information gratefully received...

Dave Green, the nominal editor of what appears to be a magazine with the remarkably generic title of Species World.

Dave Green, aka Bass the fisherman, who appears to enjoy re-enacting medieval traditions from around the 6th century AD.

The Dave Green who enthusiastically provides reviews of strip clubs in the London area. It's not me. Really it isn't.

The stock market-listed organisation which, as if mocking the very existence of this page, calls itself Famous Dave's Of America.

Daves We Have Lost

These, obviously, are pages that appeared in the original Dave Green Hall Of Fame, but which have subsequently disappeared. Mourn with me their passing.

Dave Green's Variety Artist Showcase

Back to the heady world of showbiz, I'm afraid, and it's looking like there'll be real Equity registration problems if me, The Chicago Piano Man and the jazz bassist all ever meet up with this guy. An "an unusually versatile voice" has earned this "classy singer" many plaudits: "On one memorable occasion James Towler - writing in The Stage And Television Today - listed his top twenty acts seen at Batley and featured Dave in a list that included Shirley Bassey, Johnny Mathis and the Everly Brothers." When not singing, Dave busies himself coding this on-line directory of variety artists, which has gone from 2 entries (Dave and Tina Turner) to 4 or 5 since I last checked.

PCW PD page, run by Dave Green

At last, a Dave Green I have actually been confused with in the past, as this one runs (or at least used to run) a public domain software library for the Amstrad PCW. In my spare time, I used to edit PCW Plus - a magazine for this same, distressingly underpowered dedicated Amstrad word processor, so imagine the hilarious confusions that arose when, for instance, the first "News" story (written by me, Dave Green) was all about a software company run by him, Dave Green! Oh, my sides still ache at the memory.

The Official Dave the Rave's Homepage

The home page that, with heavy heart, I'm forced to admit could probably have been created by a younger version of myself. Much younger. Reading between the lines (he's left Nottingham University to pursue a career in Retail Management at M&S; he's running a competition "Please complete the following tie-breaker phrase: I think David is a cool dude because..."), you get a stirring portrait of a brave young man laughing in the face of cruel adversity. Keen to live up to his reputation as a "rave" (I think all Daves are labelled with this ingenious rhyming epithet), David is "anxious to meet any female friends, or male ones for that matter. So girls, if any of you out there fancy this hunk, drop him a line." Well, ladies, what are you waiting for?

Anything to add? Put it in the post to daveg@dial.pipex.com.

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