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Freddy Krueger masks, Jack O’ Lanterns c’mon… there was a time when this stuff was “oooh scary.” As I write this, I’ve got half of Los Angeles ablaze, on the news, terrorists have blown up the International Red Cross in Iraq, and my nightly escape to Internet porn has once again landed me on crazeddonkeys.com… My God, the horror, the horror!

So we need to step up to the plate and come up with better costumes and scare tactics for Hallows Eve. A man ripped apart by tigers on stage? Oh yea… Been done. Alright, how ‘bout a man with a 10-inch drill bit stuck in his eye socket… saw it on CNN last night… Do you see the problem “trick or treaters?”

Here are a couple suggestions to make your Halloween the most horrendous, gut wrenchingly terrifying experience this side of Hell.

on’t Forget a Good Halloween Prank.

The cornerstone to any Halloween experience, your prank must ooze with terror. Toilet papering a house? Give me a break. That’s frightening? I need to see your principal’s house covered in used tampons. Throwing eggs? Try throwing Molotov Cocktails. Going to put forks all over some poor slobs lawn? I want you to go down to the local abortion clinic and fetch yourself some of the goodies the good doctor left in the trash. Take those little bastards and plant them in your neighbor’s lawn!

on’t Settle for a one-dimensional costume.

Cutting a couple of eyeholes in your mom’s bed sheet isn’t going to pass muster this year. Neither are those cheap ass masks from the local drug store, that you can barley breathe through and you end up swallowing gobs of your own snot all night. The human body has four other senses. For example, why haven’t we utilized smell in Halloween costumes? Here are a few ideas….

• Go as a Pile of Road Kill:

This is a really cheap costume. Simply stop by your local freeway and scoop up some unfortunate members of the animal kingdom. Having trouble finding some fresh and easy? No problem, hop in your Hummer and make some yourself! Now that you’ve collected a good dozen or so, staple those dead varmints all over your body with a nail gun. The oozing pus of your flesh wounds will mix well with the decaying carcasses to produce the foulest, scariest scent possible.

• Go as a Burning Bag of Fecal Matter:

The smell of burning shit, pubic hair and flesh will make for one unforgettable costume.

• Go as a Cat Lady who lived with over two hundred cats and neglected them until authorities have to go in with space suits and clean the place out:

Every city has one. That old man or woman who really loves cats. They keep crapping and pissing everywhere and breeding like a virus of furry maggots. To achievethis smell, find one of these houses and walk inside for just a moment. Mission accomplished. But if the Cat Lady House in your city has already been condemned, you’re going to have to take a couple weeks off from work to make this costume. First, start by shitting on the floor of a room with no windows for about 14 to 15 days. Also keep your urine in large buckets to pour out and spread around over the shit. When that has settled in and worked up a good stench, take turns with a friend vomiting profusely on top of this wicked concoction until you have covered the Costume Making Area. Now you must roll around in your vile pile until you are completely covered in it. Last, lay there for two to three weeks prior to Halloween and you should be ready to go on the big day: Smelling like The Cat Lady’s vagina.

on’t Stop with smell. What’s even more terrifying?

• Go as a Bob:

You know what’s really scary? Your Neighbor Bob down the street. You know, that quiet, overly nice guy who always politely says hello when he’s mowing the lawn… It’s always the nice, quiet ones. Bob has a cupboard filled with the tongues of men who would not kiss him back, a refrigerator housing the mutilated genitals of hundreds of missing girls from across the country, and a CD rack containing the Kelly Osborne album. Dress up as Bob for Halloween and when the children run crying, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

• Go as anything Dead:

The great thing about Halloween costumes, is that you can go as anything, anything, and make it dead. Want to go as Snow White? How about Snow White, dead? Or for the children: A Dead Smurf. Any costume and make it dead! Everyone is trying to kill us anyway so we might as well give them what they want right? Dead Duck, Dead Cow, Dead Dog, Dead President, Dead Head, Dead Spouse… Go as the Grim Reaper: Death, dead.

For Halloween this year I think I’m going to go as my own corpse. Me, dead. It will be great. And no, I’m not going to show up at your Halloween party dressed in my normal street clothes with a little bit of fake blood on my shirt. No. I’m going to blow my fucking brains out with a .45 in the mouth. Right in the mouth so my parents can’t have an open casket. I’m going to go out with a blast and have a great time doing it. You think I’m kidding? There is no other way to be scary and original this Halloween. And all this pent up rage, dread and angst isn’t going to be for nothing.

You think this is morbid? Well it’s Halloween asshole. So get morbid! See you in the afterlife and have a Happy Day of The Dead!



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