Forget a Good Halloween Prank.
The cornerstone to any Halloween experience, your prank
must ooze with terror. Toilet papering a house? Give me
a break. That’s frightening? I need to see your principal’s
house covered in used tampons. Throwing eggs? Try throwing
Molotov Cocktails. Going to put forks all over some poor
slobs lawn? I want you to go down to the local abortion
clinic and fetch yourself some of the goodies the good doctor
left in the trash. Take those little bastards and plant
them in your neighbor’s lawn!
Settle for a one-dimensional costume.
Cutting a couple of eyeholes in your mom’s bed sheet
isn’t going to pass muster this year. Neither are
those cheap ass masks from the local drug store, that you
can barley breathe through and you end up swallowing gobs
of your own snot all night. The human body has four other
senses. For example, why haven’t we utilized smell
in Halloween costumes? Here are a few ideas….
Go as a Pile of Road Kill:
This is a really cheap costume. Simply stop by your local
freeway and scoop up some unfortunate members of the animal
kingdom. Having trouble finding some fresh and easy? No
problem, hop in your Hummer and make some yourself! Now
that you’ve collected a good dozen or so, staple those
dead varmints all over your body with a nail gun. The oozing
pus of your flesh wounds will mix well with the decaying
carcasses to produce the foulest, scariest scent possible.
• Go as a Burning Bag of Fecal Matter:
The smell of burning shit, pubic hair and flesh will make
for one unforgettable costume.
• Go as a Cat Lady who lived with over two
hundred cats and neglected them until authorities have to
go in with space suits and clean the place out:
Every city has one. That old man or woman who really loves
cats. They keep crapping and pissing everywhere and breeding
like a virus of furry maggots. To achievethis smell, find
one of these houses and walk inside for just a moment. Mission
accomplished. But if the Cat Lady House in your city has
already been condemned, you’re going to have to take
a couple weeks off from work to make this costume. First,
start by shitting on the floor of a room with no windows
for about 14 to 15 days. Also keep your urine in large buckets
to pour out and spread around over the shit. When that has
settled in and worked up a good stench, take turns with
a friend vomiting profusely on top of this wicked concoction
until you have covered the Costume Making Area. Now you
must roll around in your vile pile until you are completely
covered in it. Last, lay there for two to three weeks prior
to Halloween and you should be ready to go on the big day:
Smelling like The Cat Lady’s vagina.
Stop with smell. What’s even more terrifying?
Go as a Bob:
You know what’s really scary? Your Neighbor Bob down
the street. You know, that quiet, overly nice guy who always
politely says hello when he’s mowing the lawn…
It’s always the nice, quiet ones. Bob has a cupboard
filled with the tongues of men who would not kiss him back,
a refrigerator housing the mutilated genitals of hundreds
of missing girls from across the country, and a CD rack
containing the Kelly Osborne album. Dress up as Bob for
Halloween and when the children run crying, don’t
say I didn’t warn you.
Go as anything Dead:
The great thing about Halloween costumes, is that you can
go as anything, anything, and make it dead. Want
to go as Snow White? How about Snow White, dead? Or for
the children: A Dead Smurf. Any costume and make it dead!
Everyone is trying to kill us anyway so we might as well
give them what they want right? Dead Duck, Dead Cow, Dead
Dog, Dead President, Dead Head, Dead Spouse… Go as
the Grim Reaper: Death, dead.
For Halloween this year I think I’m going to go as
my own corpse. Me, dead. It will be great. And
no, I’m not going to show up at your Halloween party
dressed in my normal street clothes with a little bit of
fake blood on my shirt. No. I’m going to blow my fucking
brains out with a .45 in the mouth. Right in the mouth so
my parents can’t have an open casket. I’m going
to go out with a blast and have a great time doing it. You
think I’m kidding? There is no other way to be scary
and original this Halloween. And all this pent up rage,
dread and angst isn’t going to be for nothing.
You think this is morbid? Well it’s Halloween asshole.
So get morbid! See you in the afterlife and have a Happy
Day of The Dead!