Funny or Not?
World's Funniest Joke
Lessons of Children
Computer Tech Calls
Giving Pets Pills
Fried Rice Recipe
Guy Walks Into A Bar
What Women Say
Henny Youngman: 1906-1998
Thanks to Tom Kuntz for the
mention in NY Times "Word for Word", 3-1-98
Thanks, Henny, for all the laughs. Now for the
definitive Henny Youngman collection:
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket
lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to
Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour
time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go
to bed, I feel hungry.
The food on the plane was fit for a king.
A doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs.
Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my
The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I
AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"
A doctor says to a man "You want to
improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two
weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life
since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles
The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I
do this." "Then don't do that!"
The doctor says to the patient, "Take your
clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the
patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's
chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The
doctor says "Limp!"
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!"
The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a
little wine, a little dinner...."
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody
listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor
says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly
"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a
clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office".
Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking
I know a guy who had his doctor say "take
some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The
machine tore his leg off!
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge
says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter,
puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100
The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of
I was playing golf. I swung, missed the
ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got
another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's
get up here before we get killed!"
Hollywood called me, asking me "How much
to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back "How about
$20,000?" I said "I'll pay it!"
Farrah's dressing room was next to mine.
There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.
I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10%
Sex, 90% guilt.
A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday."
I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is
A bum came up to me saying "I haven't
eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food
all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the
Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for
a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I
want to drink it in Brazil!"
I was walking down the street, and I found
a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you
ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
Horse Race Jokes
I played a great horse yesterday! It took
seven horses to beat him.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey
kept a diary of the trip.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse.
The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind
That was the first time I saw a horse
start from a kneeling position!
My horse was so late getting home, he
tiptoed into the stable.
I don't mind when my horse is left at the
post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which
way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another
horse in the same race...
The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A
There was a girl knocking on my hotel room
door all night! Finally, I let her out.
I have a lovely room and bath in the
hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two seperate
This is an elegant hotel! Room service has
an unlisted number.
My room is so small, the mice are
The room is so small, when I put the key
in, I broke the window!
"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?"
Was that suit made to order? Where were
you at the time?
You have the Midas touch. Everything you
touch turns to a muffler.
If you had your life to live over again,
do it overseas.
She's been married so many times she has
rice marks on her face.
She has a wash and wear bridal
You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.
You look like a talent scout
for a cemetery.
You have a nice personality,
but not for a human being.
The more I think of you, the
less I think of you.
Where did you get your haircut, the pet
Is that your hat or are you wearing a
This man dresses like an unmade bed.
Now, the band that inspired
that great saying "Stop The Music!!"
Those two are a fastidious
couple. She's fast and he's hideous.
She's a big-hearted girl with
hips to match.
This man used to go to school
with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!
He is the only man I ever met
with a seersucker face.
She must have Egyptian blood.
Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"
His motto is "Love Thy
Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.
This man is frank and earnest
with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
A bomb fell on Italy. It slid
During the war an Italian girl saved my
life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.
Why does the New Italian navy have glass
bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!
A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got
sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks
the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other
cars?" "They didn't ask!"
Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?
They're worth it.
Why do Jewish men die before their wives?
They want to.
Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where
Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.
A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic
says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
2 Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do
you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't
If my mother knew I did this for a living,
she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He
mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes
up to visit one year later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The
priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost.
Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate
Hotel in Washington. The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the
pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He
gets his swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the
window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your
room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The
groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager
says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on
A woman was taking a shower. There is a
knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do
you want these blinds, lady?"
A man goes to a barbershop and asks "How
many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back tomorrow, and asks,
"How many ahead of me." "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and
asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to
another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up
off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down
three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way
to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say,
"Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his
A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how
old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your
clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy
four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me
A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone
is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me
talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me
talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a
week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf
today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz."
A guy complains of a headache. Another guy
says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes
away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure
did. By the way, you have a nice house!"
In high school football, the coach kept me
on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling,
"We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida
coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when
a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring
him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water
out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say "we saved your
grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says "He had a
An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked
the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The Co says "Are you crazy? You just
join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something
spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an
Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I
jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the
border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his
white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So
we exchanged tanks!
A little man is running a Jewelry store. A
man runs in saying "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new
battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back
in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says
A person asked me "How do you prepare for
the stage?" I told her "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They
teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles.
Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your
In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on
an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said,
"because I was going up!"
Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw
puzzle? One piece.
Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can
you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.
A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a
car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet.
What does he call the zebra? Spot!
Two Polish men at Halloween with burned
faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
How do Polish people spell
Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was
amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to
800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off
A Polish man had a bandage on each ear.
What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?"
"Had to call the doctor!"
A Polish man had his vasectomy done at
Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I
took my mother-in-law to the airport.
My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let
My son complains about headaches. I tell
him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so
I would know what kind of work he's out of.
My brother was a lifeguard in a car
My brother then opened a tall man's shop
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese
cameras. They all go "Crick".
My other brother-in-law died. He was a
karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed
Smart Guy Jokes
I know a man who doesn't pay to have his
trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in
into an unlocked car.
My wife is an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you
around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're
Take my wife,
I've been married for 49 years. Where have
I've been in love with the same woman for
49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!
My wife and I have the secret to making a
marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good
food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I
won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps
finding her way back.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go
for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How
about the kitchen?"
We always hold hands. If I let go, she
My wife has a black belt in
My wife will buy anything marked down.
Last year she bought an escalator.
All my wife does is shop - once she was
sick for a week, and three stores went under.
She has an electric blender, electric
toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no
place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric
My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I
bring her mail there twice a week.
My wife and I went back to the hotel where
we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and
My wife drives the wrong way on a one way
street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said,
"I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
My wife told me the car wasn't running
well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told
me it was in the lake.
My wife and I went to a hotel where we got
a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.
My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and
bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a
She was at the beauty shop for two hours.
That was only for the estimate.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two
days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling,
"Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A
Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.
Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive.
Last week she learned how to aim it.
I came home, the car was in the dining
room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the
2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on
pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the
If I had blood, I'd
A tough guy told me "I'll bet you $10
you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.
I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed
Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000
head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
I just finished my income tax forms. Who
says you can't get wounded by a blank?