Classically trained to rock your socks off ([info]stereolabrat) wrote,
@ 2003-12-18 14:56:00
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Das Butt: All Hands on Dick
All movies about submarines are the same. Like there is just a limited amount of shit that can go down in a submarine movie.

1) Radios down.
Oh look, the radios are jacked. The only lifeline. What will they do? How will they get orders? There is a Commie sub approaching, do they attack it? But if they do, they'll start WWIII! OH man this totally sucks it!

2) A mutiny.
There is a guy and he wants it his way. There is another guy who also wants it his way. Conveniently these two ways are totally opposite. For example, Gene Hackman wants to blow up the Commie sub with a metal thermos filled with Campbell's plutonium soup. Denzel Washington wants to wait because what if the other submarine is like not at all Commie or maybe some Americans took over that sub so if you torp them you actually torp a bunch of really nice guys? So they fight. Maybe there is a mild pistol whipping. The crew is like, what the fuck, who do we believe, the white guy or the black guy?

3) They use a lot of keys.
The honchos have keys. They have to use them to open shit at the sametime. They engage shit. They disengage shit. They say a lot of numbers outloud. I guess they are passcodes.

4) The sub goes deep. Real deep.
In order to avoid attack, they have to dive really, really deep. And like the sub can only handle a certain depth. But they are gonna go LOWER than that. The sub creaks. The guys get really scared. One cries because he is a pansy.

5) Everyone has to be quiet.
Look the Commies, they have this device. They can hear rats breathe. And if they find you, they'll fuck your shit up. So everyone has to be quiet. Except the sub is like really deep, so it's creaking. Will they find you? One guy stares at a picture of his ladyfriend. Another prays. Probably to God.

6) The enemy is near.
The Commies are looking at their screen. They are like "Where are the Americanskis?" They don't see shit. But oh man the guys, they are all quiet and nervous and then their sub is making all this noise and it is resting on some coral reef and maybe some rocks fall and then the Commies are like "Doodskis, found the Americanskis let's fuck their shit up with our iron hammers."

7) The sub goes up too fast.
The sub has to book it out of there. The sub's going up too fast, the guys are gonna get air bubbles that make their hearts explode. The guys are running around. They are trying to launch some torps.

8) The sub fires one.
Oh man it fired and it missed the Commies. What blind asshole can't fire a goddamn torpedo at a 200 foot goddamn Commie submarine?

9) The Commies fire, it hits.
It hits, but doesn't totally jack the sub up. A lot of water pours in. Maybe some of the guys scream because they can't bail water out or anything like that. They close some hatches. Maybe one guy gets trapped inside and bangs on the wall. So much water. His dog tags are floating around. How sad.

10) The sub is pretty fucked up.
The problem is in the engine room. Like the engine isn't running. It is filling with water. The only way to stop it is for one guy, the littlest one or the other black one, to swim down to a lever and throw it. Except the lever gets stuck so he has to try real hard. But he does it. He saves the sub. Except he drowns. What a hero.

11) The sub fires another torpedo.
Hey dood you sunk my battleship! Kick ass!

12) Everyone makes out.
They all get naked and hump. Some of them spoon. But no one calls each other in the morning.


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[info]radiantsun
2003-12-18 12:01 (link)
I'd rather read your reviews than watch movies about subs, hands down.

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[info]shekb
2003-12-18 12:15 (link)
Holy shit, 12 things that happen in one movie is a lot. That's like ten more things than a Julia Roberts movie.

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[info]stereolabrat
2003-12-18 12:16 (link)
I can review the new Julia Roberts movie too.

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[info]shekb
2003-12-18 12:18 (link)
Oh, she made another one? Shitballs. Now she's up to like, 14 things total, career.

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[info]stereolabrat
2003-12-18 12:23 (link)
Well there's only two things that happen in a Julia ROberts movie.

1) Julia laughs and covers her mouth. Her eyes get real big.

2) She sings into a hairbrush.

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[info]mcsnee
2003-12-18 12:53 (link)
1) Julia laughs and covers her mouth. Her eyes get real big.

Actually, you can condense that into "Julia laughs and covers her real big mouth."

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[info]lemur_man
2003-12-18 13:03 (link)
Or 'Julia does her impression of a piano'.

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[info]busychild424
2003-12-18 12:16 (link)
Dude, that was the best movie ever. Do another one.

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[info]dangerrrdoll
2003-12-18 12:17 (link)
AHHAHHAHAHhAHhAHHAH

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[info]stephenl
2003-12-18 12:34 (link)
You haven't seen a submarine movie unless you've seen a Twohy submarine movie.

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[info]mcsnee
2003-12-18 12:54 (link)
Wait. I see a flaw.

None of those things happen in Yellow Submarine, nor do you mention anything anywhere about the Blue Meanies.

What the fuck? You want the Blue Meanies to win, don't you, you unpatriotic Beatle-hater.

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[info]stereolabrat
2003-12-18 12:57 (link)
Fuck the Yellow Submarine. Jesus Christ what self indulgent crap.

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[info]mcsnee
2003-12-18 12:59 (link)
Well, yeah. But so are most other submarine movies.

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[info]jwz
2003-12-18 12:59 (link)
"All hands on dick" is good, but how can you make a submarine post without a "seamen" gag?

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[info]roses_rejoice
2003-12-18 16:42 (link)
and while they're doing (12) they play "in the navy".

by the way, have you noticed that Star Trek episodes have only three plots in variations over and over? i'd love to see you tackle those sometime...

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[info]stereolabrat
2003-12-19 06:27 (link)
Dood Star Trek is too lame even for me. I draw the line at submarine movies.

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[info]holyjes
2003-12-18 17:18 (link)
i am so glad i added you.
you are hilarity itself.

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[info]stagnate
2003-12-18 18:59 (link)
What about when the the core in the nuclear reactor starts to melt down and Harison Ford has to go into the reactor and shut it down manually? Then everyone get's these pus filled boils on their bodies from being exposed to radioactive materials and die.

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[info]stereolabrat
2003-12-19 06:24 (link)
OH that is in the sequel.

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You forgot one thing...
[info]brunojin
2003-12-19 06:13 (link)
"...The cook on the sub either knows some serious kung fu and fucks up all the mutinous bastards up or is a quivering nightmare that has to be coaxed by a shipmate to put together a thermo nuclear deactivation device from the pots, pans flying ginzu knives only cause he went to elementary school and played with radio controled cars..."

My 2 bits

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Re: You forgot one thing...
[info]stereolabrat
2003-12-19 06:20 (link)
Wasn't that Steven Segal one just a regular navy movie and not a submarine one?

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Re: You forgot one thing...
[info]brunojin
2003-12-19 06:23 (link)
LOL... I guess the navy motif got me carried away... There's always a cook that plays a major role on board the navy vessels. I have no clue why.

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Re: You forgot one thing...
[info]stereolabrat
2003-12-19 06:26 (link)
I can't recall the cook being big in submarine movies. They are certainly big in the general navy category. In the submarine movie I write, I'll make sure the cook gets seriously laid.

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Re: You forgot one thing...
[info]brunojin
2003-12-19 06:27 (link)
kewl cool! or at least get's at least a groping

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[info]cleahpatra
2003-12-19 07:47 (link)
Nothing warms me with Christmas cheer like the faux-heroics of a submarine crew. Maybe they'll release a special "Christmas Submarine" movie, except the american submarine will be filled with Santa, and the other one filled with anti-santa devices that can sense lard.

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[info]dragonnas
2003-12-20 14:20 (link)
This. Kicks. So. Much. Ass.

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[info]riotboi
2003-12-22 13:21 (link)
i don't know anything about you. to be honest, i didn't even read this post or any others. i just saw your username, and i think it is the most creative. seriously. nice work on that. i never got in to stereolab too much. i only have 'dots and loops,' but nonetheless... good job.

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[info]subdossa
2003-12-23 04:16 (link)
Of course, the Wet Behind the Ears captain and the Old School crew must have it out. After Big Head fucks up a bunch and the crew talk behind his back about making him have to stand in the corner, King Dick somehow kicks some serious ass and the crew take turns slapping his ass and sobbing into his neck about HOW could they EVER doubt him 'cause he's just the bess darn cap'n dey evah 'ad.

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