Even We Made More Profit Than Polar Express

December 11, 2004

Blade Trinity: AKA "Suck Fest 2004"

I've enjoyed the first 2 Blade films. Each one had it's glaring weaknesses, but overall each delivered a decently entertaining film. My expectations for Blade Trinity where no more and no less. As it turned out... LESS was the key word.

I actually attended the opening of Blade Trinity with my Audio Edition co-host Doug Nagy... who was visibly angry after leaving the theater. Doug really likes Blade, and this film turned him off the franchise for life.

Without going into a synopsis, let me just cut to the chase about what worked and what didn't work with this film:

The Ugly Stuff:

1) VAMPIRES ARE FRAGILE INCOMPETENT LITTLE KITTENS WHO BREAK EASY
In the first Blade film, vampires are mythical creatures of great power and dignity. I loved the ruling council of vampires (that Decon Frost eventually disbanded). They are powerful, cunning, dangerous demons of the night that are to be feared. But in Blade Trinity they've been reduced to a bumbling side-show version of the keystone cops. Stupid, no dignity, and EXTREMELY easy to kill. Just the fact that one human girl can take out 6 vampires at once ruined the whole film for me. It's hard to fear the rise of the vampires in a movie when the vampires are all just a drugged up gang of losers who seem to die if they drink cold milk too fast.

2) MEET DRACULA-LITE. LESS FILLING. TASTES SOUR.
The concept of bringing in the original vampire was a good one. But the Dracula character was totally misused. What should have been the vampire version of Return of the King, was nothing more than another half-assed hentchman. One scene that really drives me nuts is when Dracula (thousands of years old, Father of the Vampire Race) is walking around town to hip-hop/techno music. Just so stupid. They did nothing with this character, not nearly as menacing as he should/could have been, and no where near central enough to the plot of the story.

3) iPods: WHAT BETTER WAY TO FIGHT VAMPIRES THAN TO TURN OFF YOUR SENSE OF HEARING!
This movie tried so hard to be pop-culturally cool that it just came across as desperate. Doug actually said to me at one point "if they show one more slow motion shot of her putting on her iPod I'm leaving". And how does this make sense? You're about to go into battle with a bunch of vampires... so you put on some headphones so you can't hear anything that's going on around you?!?! Just pathetic. Oh but wait... she's cool cause it's an iPod. Dumb Dumb Dumb.

4) TRIPLE H: JUST WRESTLE
No one wanted TRIPLE H to do well in this movie more than me. I'm a big fan of his. BUT... well.... don't quit your day job dude. You ain't The Rock. No disrespect intended... I'm still a fan... but acting just ain't your bag. Although giving Reynolds that power slam did look cool.

5) TECH GEEK FROM ALIAS MOONLIGHTS FOR THE NIGHTSTAKERS
Am I the ONLY one who noticed that the computer tech guy in the Nightstakers is EXACTLY the same as the one from Alias? He looks the same, he talked the same, he moved the same, his mannerisms where the same. What a rip off.

6) WHY DID WE WAKE UP DRACULA AGAIN? I FORGOT.
The movie introduces 2 completely different reasons at different points as to why the vampires wake up Dracula... and neither of them made sense. First it was to battle Blade... but the vampires had already put this whole elaborate plan in motion to have the humans capture Blade for them. And it worked. The second reason, which came out of nowhere, was to use Dracula's DNA to help all vampires become day walkers. The only problem is that they didn't go anywhere with this at all. It was just ignored the whole film. Dumb.

7) WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS A KLINGON BATLIFF WITH A LIGHTSABER?
I'm sorry, but that little weapon that Jessica Biel was toting around was just plain stupid and looked ridiculous. Suddenly Blade wasn't just fantasy... it's Sci-Fi now. Bad move.

8) I'M THE MIGHTY DRACULA... WATCH ME BRAVELY RUN AWAY!
I'm sorry, but no way should Blade even stand a chance against Dracula, King and father of the Vampire race. Thousands of years old and the mightiest of his kind. So what does he do? He runs away and makes Blade chase him. I think that's where the film finally lost me.

9) ONCE A VAMPIRE, ALWAYS A VAMPI... OH NEVER MIND, TAKE TWO ASPRIN AND YOU'LL BE FINE
Ummm... I thought the first Blade film made it clear that after you were bitten, if you weren't "cured" within the first day or two you were done. So Hannibal King is a Vampire for years and they just gave him some hot chicken soup and made him all better?


Ok, I could go on much longer with the list... but you get the idea. However, there were a few good things about this movie:

1) RYAN REYNOLDS IS THE MAN
Hands down, easily the best part about Blade Trinity was Ryan Reynolds. Everytime he opened his mouth I laughed myself silly. Now I see why the word has been going around that they're already developing a Nightstalker spin off franchise. Build it around Reynolds and you've got a winner.

2) SADLY, THERE IS NO #2

Blade Trinity has some redeeming qualities... but few of them... and none (besides Reynolds) really stand out. However, Reynolds was strong enough to prevent this movie from being one of the worst I've seen this year. Still, over-all a pathetic conclusion to the Blade saga... which was titled "TRINITY" for no apparent reason whatsoever. I give Blade Trinity a generous 4/10.




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Posted by John Campea at December 11, 2004 01:59 AM


Comments

Wow. And this was written and directed by David Goyer -- the screenwriter of the first two Blade movies. So WTF happened??

And he's the guy who wrote Batman Begins. Uh-OH...!

Posted by: Mark at December 11, 2004 01:13 AM


John, how was Parker Posey? I was a fan of hers during the 1990s -- the height of her career/talent was "Henry Fool", I think -- but then after that, she sort of "cashed out" from the indie movie scene.

Was Jessica Biel at least worth looking at in this?

Which iPod was it? The mini? And if so, what color?

Posted by: Mark at December 11, 2004 01:16 AM


Just got back from the movie. Blown away by Ryan's performance. I knew he could be funny, and he was, but I saw glimpses of greatness there too. He made it watchable, if only just. Mark I'm a pretty big fan of Parker too. She did well but wasn't given a lot to work with. A few good dialogue lines but nothing to write home about. Jessica Biel was very worth looking at. But like Parker wasn't given much to do acting-wise. A scene that should have been very emotional didn't really move me the way it should have. And the ipod was white.

Posted by: Mantiss at December 11, 2004 04:19 AM


I think you have to go back to some of the things that have been hinted about in the press regarding Snipes behaviour and revisit that letter he wrote the studio.

Looks like he knew things were going bad and it was pretty obvious this was a vehicle to launch spin offs. Perhaps they feel Snipes, and Blade, have outlived their vamp-bashing career.

Shame though, I loved the first Blade, the second was good although not as much as the first.

John, good post, and real interesting to read. We were going to go watch it this afternoon, but I decided to wash the car instead - what a good move from me!

Posted by: Richard at December 11, 2004 12:16 PM


Yeah, David Goyer was the man behind the camera for this one. But hey... everyone has a bad day at work. Heck, even Steven Spielberg makes a bad one now and again (The Terminal for instance)

Posted by: John Campea at December 11, 2004 12:30 PM


David Goyer should just stick to comic book screenwriting. Period.

Posted by: Daniel at December 11, 2004 02:03 PM


Ehr, I enjoyed "The Terminal" actually John.

Posted by: Simone at December 11, 2004 03:32 PM


I got the impression that this whole movie solely existed to create a spin-off series to star Reynolds and Biel. Why did this happen? And it's baffling considering that the guy who wrote the first two Blade films was responsible for this.

And Biel's character is just so fuckin' bad-ass that she can easily slay vampires while listening to an iPod...Jesus-the-passion-Christ! Maybe that would be cool if Buffy did that (and I was a fan of that show), but not even Joss Whedon would have been so lame to do that. It felt like watching a big-budget iPod ad meant for air during Halloween. I hope that was an intentional product placement -- Apple actually having paid for it -- otherwise, it's even more super-lame.

Oh, and Dracula was so teh ghey. Gawd! Worst Dracula Ever.

Posted by: Franklin at December 12, 2004 02:01 AM


To emphasize, this is how bad Dracula was in Blade Trinity: They did a better job with Drac in Van Helstink.

Posted by: Franklin at December 12, 2004 02:03 AM


actually the tech dude was the cousin from KING OF QUEENS not marshall from alias, but the movie still didnt live up to its potential....guys name is patton oswault put then in how could someone actually care enough about this to correct people!

Posted by: ak at December 12, 2004 05:14 PM


AK, I believe John's point was that the tech dude character was a copy of the Alias character, not that they were the same actors (which they are not). Still, thanks for the trivia. And now we know, and knowing is half the battle.

Posted by: Mark at December 12, 2004 08:13 PM


Mark:

"Go Joe!"

KuRt.

Posted by: Kurt at December 12, 2004 11:02 PM


Wow! I am so disappointed that this movie appears to be a stink bomb. I enjoyed Blade 1 (and it really does need to get credit for being the first successful Marvel movie) and am a fan of David Goyer. After hearing him speak at a comic convention this year, I felt confident that Blade Trinity would rock! Looks like I was wrong. I can only hope that Batman Begins shows us Goyer's (and Nolan's) "A" game.

Alter Ego Comics

Posted by: Marc at December 13, 2004 11:30 AM


***NEWS FLASH***


This movie rocks!!!

listen not to john, for he has obviously completely lost his mind!

Miles went to see it opening night, and had a greta time, hilariousness mixed with action, and get this: The girlfirned actually liked it alot to!! How shocking is that?

you have to take a movie like this witha grain of salt, and allthe dtupid things, like dracula holding a baby over a building's edge while giving a speech about honor just made it more fun to watch.

also, the one liners were ten times better int he first two.

My biggets complaint is that when i see a vampire movie, i want to see them get killed to heavy metal music and not gay ass techno.

anywaysm the moral of this rant is: don't listen to john! go see blade trinity! have fun! ignor the plot holes and enjoy the vampire blasting, joke making action!

and biel looked great, and reynolds was hilarious...but not as hilarious as HHH with that little dog...god that cracked me up everyhtime saw it.

Posted by: miles at December 13, 2004 01:23 PM


basically when i went to see this movie i had no hopes of it having a good plot or anything i just went to see some vampires get their asses whooped by a badass black "motherfucker" AKA blade, and i was satisfied, the special effects were good and in some cases funny the one liners were hilarious and reynolds was brilliant, the ipod thing did make me laugh at the petiness of it but in all if u wanna go see some vampires dying and some good old fashioned killing with a few laughs, go see it :)

Posted by: Max at December 13, 2004 06:30 PM


I just saw Blade: Trinity today and posted a review on my site.

OH...MY... GOD! You actually LIKED Reynolds in this thing? I thought he was the absolute Achilles heel of this film. Hated him, hated him, hated him. Make a Hannibal movie and I'll run as far in the other direction as possible.

Beyond that, I completely agree with your bullet points above. That stupid laser weapon was ridiculuous, as was the scene that introduces Biel: While alone in the subway station with no one watching, why was she acting afraid? Like we didn't know she was going to kick their butts.

If they had carried on with the riff Blade gave to the "young punk" contingent about taking the battle seriously and they had ended changing over more to his point of view, perhaps this film could have been salvaged.

Vic

Posted by: Screen Rant at December 15, 2004 09:53 PM


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