NOT THE NINE O'CLOCK NEWS - let's get serious...

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Yes - let's!

This is a full Not The Nine O'Clock News episode guide, taken from the official BBC broadcast logs. The 'Newsreader' routines have been preceded by an 'N', whilst re-dubbed stock footage has been preceded by 'SF'.

Pilot: Destined from transmission, Monday 2 April 1979 but cancelled*
Series 1 (Tuesdays, 9pm): 16 October-20 November 1979
Series 2 (Mondays, 9pm): 31 March-12 May 1980
Series 3 (Mondays, 9pm): 27 Oct-15 December 1980
Series 4 (Mondays, 9pm): 1 February-8 March 1982

* This was not a 'pilot' as such, but the first episode of what was to be a full run. It was, however, pulled due to the imminent general election and the project was shelved until October. Precise information is unavailable, although it did feature 'Fawlty Towers' and 'Telecaster (Roald Dahl)', both of which were used in the series. The sketch featuring the two priests forgetting Jesus' name was also re-performed, but with Chris Langham delivering the punchline rather than John Gorman.

16 October 1979
Tinker Tailor
Kenny Everett (Pubes warning)
SF: Queen applauding
Telecaster (Watership Down)
Britt Eckland's car visor
National Wealth Beds
Wilson's Memoirs
Inflatables (Provocative show)
Telecaster (Roald Dahl)
Telecaster (Arab in Harrods)
On The Moov
Spinning Head
Ten-legged man
Tory Party Conference
Laughing Maoris
Horsemen riding up steps/Credits

[NOTES: The 'Kenny Everett' sketch mentioned above featured the actual Cuddly Ken introducing the show in the old 'Parkinson' set.

ANNOUNCER Yes, it's 'Not The Nine O'Clock News' and here's your host for tonight - Kenny Everett!

(Music, applause.  Kenny descends the stairs and sits in the chair)

EVERETT Well good evening  fans and welcome to Not The Nine O'Clock News.  Yes the BBC and I have patched up our old differences and they've agreed to give me my own show as long as I don't say the word 'pubes'...

FLOOR MANAGER (CHRIS LANGHAM) Right, that's it. We have warned you (Kenny Everett walks off the set, saddened) No, we have warn you. No, keep going - all the way off!

Criminally ignored for the 1995 video releases.

The 'telecaster' sketches are simply shots of the device in question displaying some rather old jokes such as 'Watership Down - you've read the book, you've seen the film, now taste the pie...' 'Britt Eckland's Car Visor' and 'National Wealth Beds' appear on the 1995 compilations, the latter in a severely truncated version.

'On The Moov' is a parody of the title sequence of a contemporary show about illiteracy called 'On The Move'. Without this piece of knowledge the sketch (showing a van cruising along to the '...Move' theme tune before revealing the misspelling of the title written on the side) would have looked a tad confusing if included on the 1995 videos. On the other hand Lloyd always put a visual sketch on the LPs so it could have been done as a similar joke.

'Ten Legged Man' features John Gorman and is one of several sketches dropped in from the pilot show. 

23 October 1979
Apology to Princess Margaret
Flat Earth Society/BBC Globe
SF: Big Ben (Robert Powell)/Alan Snapper
N: Ayatollah's contact lens
N: Racially-mixed pool
N: Reggie Bosanquet lookalike competition
Britain - Poorest country in EEC but nicest flag
Inflation 10% lower than next year
Kennedy killing brothers
Gravity running out
Parachute quickie
Equal Opportunities
Blind beggar who thinks he's black
Phone Bill (Horror spoof)
Gravity/Hair sticking up
Priests ('What's-his-name, walked on water...')
St Vincent
Rowan's Rant (Nationwide/That's Life)
Priests 2
N: Gravity queue at butchers
N: Last two syllables
N: Pools winners
Priests 3
London suburbs at war
Adjust set/Gay Christian
SF: Keith Joseph
Keep fit
Milk Tray parody
Manuel (Comprehending Ayatollah joke)

[NOTES: As mentioned this show features the two priests sketch as first performed in the pilot with a different cast. The 'Priests 2' (and '3') sketches listed are two little snippets from the sketch highlighting their further memory loss. 'Gay Christian' (which features on the first LP and the 1995 compilations) is performed on the same set with Rowan hardly needing his make-up touched up. The 'Rowan's Rant' sketch here featured on the first LP crossfaded with a similar one from Show 5 and was given the title 'That Bloody Bleeding Esther Bloody Bleeding Effing Rantzen Woman'.

30 October 1979
Fawlty Towers
Committing suicide for voting Tory
Stringmakers' strike
National Laundromat Week
SF: Nkomo crush
N: Unknown
Chalk outline/'We think the motive was jealousy'
Reasons to elect Jimmy Carter
Hospital storeman/Surgeon demands heart
Nun/Car visor joke
Queen's Hat
Ayatollah meditating
Blue Peter pregnancy
Preacher/Turns Mel into rabbit
The dead crocodile jumps over the comfy sofa
N: Unknown
Hole sculptor
Restaurant ties
SF: Black child applauds
N: Britain joins the Third World Journalist on three telephones
The Restrictive Practices Suite (Pianists)
Irish football (Both teams playing at home)

[NOTES: 'The Restrictive Practices Suite' featured several pianists playing the same piano. It's a lot funnier than it sounds.

6 November 1979
Running time unknown
N: First class stamps
N: Aeroplanes out to stud
Plane crash survivors/Airline food
N: Unknown
Rude crossword clues (Train quickie)
Mission Ineffable/Stunt Pope
Scunthorpe strangler
Football re-play
Final Demands
N: Lifeboat men sacked
Craftsman's Kitchen (Handyman)
N: Carter jogging around White House
'I can't feel my legs...'
Neurotica/Read books for pleasure
Gob On You (Song)/Credits
Kidnap/BBC announcers/Apology

[NOTES: 'Craftsman's Kitchen' is an excellent Langham piece in which he attempts a TV show about DIY and succeeds in wrecking the set and hacking his own limbs off. Familiar? The premise of the sketch was later nicked by Kenny Everett and became a regular fixture on his BBC 'Television Show'.}

13 November 1979
SF: Giraffe
Live from Carrickmore
Baby on the bus
Nativity (Restricted Inn)
New jeans/David Rappaport
Religious fanatic (Disappearing policeman)
Nativity audition (Rappaport with dead donkey)
Hot Gossip/James Goldsmith
SF: Thatcher slurp
N: Iranian government statement
N: Flat racing/Interview tins of cat food
N: Reggie Bosanquet lookalike competition
White House quickie (Jimmy Carter/Dirty phone call)
Punks advertising church ('I thought I preferred the boiling oil...')
Christmas 1643/Head under arm
Ranting Frenchman
Miss World
SF: Soldiers applauding
Amputation/Weight loss
Trial by egg
Probe (Prison overcrowding/Aristocrats)
Bar quickie (Rappaport)
Bingo caller
Rowan's rant (Party hats/Janet Street Porter/Plastic baths/Are You Being Served)
Nanny service
Nude painting (Banana)

20 November 1979
SF: Big Ben (39 Steps)
N: Sir Alec Douglas Hulme
N: Callaghan statement
N: Tony Blackburn losing weight
N: Prince Charles/Balancing beer on penis
N: Moustique
N: Ted Kennedy's chauffeur
Phil and Liz (Car visor)
Men deliver whale
Aliens/Keith Joseph/Couple having sex
John Cleese (Trips and looks behind himself)
General Synod's Life Of Python
Disco for Dentists
Licence fee/Blank screen
Milk float (Car visors)
Simultaneous Translation (Heart surgery)
Donald Sinden (Churches)
Self defence (Stunt judo + stabbing)
Donald Sinden (Blood donor)
Spies at bar
Sex shop (Candle)
Careers master
Oh Bosanquet (Song)/Credits
Post office raid (Jumps queue to buy stamps)

31 March 1980
Continuity announcer apology (The BBC spending all its money on a horse race)
SF: Grand National (Horses named after BBC programmes)
Pinball (Block of flats/Tower of Pisa)
Helicopter clapperboard
SF: Callaghan (Collapsing building)
Alisdair Milne (BBC licence fee/Dividing up the cake)
N: Saudi chancellor
N: Constable's son
Wimpy bar (Embarrassing names for hamburgers)
Non-Diet Pepsi
Youths wreck car (Put card of rental firm on windscreen)
Pamela explains how much the previous joke cost
Dolphin running for president
Edward Kennedy: 'The lesson I leaned from Chappaquiddick...'
Parkinson interviews himself
Mugger/Donor card
Maternity ward (Stranger wanting to be present at birth/Vending machine)
The perfect evening (Boxing on the television/Beethoven/Roaring fire/Chinese in the oven)
Aircrafts carrying lifeboats
Airline Safety demonstration
Parachute stunt (Rowan explains how much it cost)
SF: Horsey snobs
Rowan and Mel give away £500/Princess Anne & Mark Phillips sketch (Fingers)
N: Pronunciation
Blatant Pornograhy (The Nancy Boys)/Credits
Come home to a real a cottage in Wales

[NOTES: 'Non-Diet Pepsi' was written by Ruby Wax. Reasons remain unknown...]

7 April 1980
Terrorists/In-flight movies
Cinema certificates (Lesbian Lavatory Lust)
Washing in urinal
Space Invaders in sky
N: Lord Goodman plane on M62
N: Panda heart transplant
N: Roddy Llewellyn/Heat exhaustion
N: Prince Charles knackered
Dinner party (Talking to the wall)
Awards ceremony (Sofas)
Alabammy Bound (Song)
Prestel (Post Office computer)
Kleptomania demo
SF: West Avon police
Vegetarian hunting season
Anabolic steroids (Mel as Russian swimmer)
Rowan's rant (Army/Bob Monkhouse/Urinating in phone boxes)
Milkman throws bottles at houses
Cortina lights (Car tips up)
Lead poisoning
N: Lenny and Jerry Osmond
N: Bernard Manning splitting up
N: Jobless blacks
Smoker collapses in train (Kiss of life)
Government training film (Yobbish Rowan gets shot)
Evangelical hairdressers
School of Archaeology (Digs up milk bottles)
Aircraft toilet ('Hang on, what's this?')
Arianna ad
N: Liz Taylor's doctors
Johannesburg boxing
Rowan apologises to audience (Family murdered in bathroom)
Clint Eastwood spoof (Credits)
Debating point

14 April 1980
Join the Russian Army
N: Middle East bad news
N: Lord Carrington/Arab bias
Fiat ad spoof (Driven by Italians)
Postman (Rushes to post letter, then collects mail)
N: Nepotism/Fruity names
N: Queen in Halifax
N: Inflatables
N: Fact finding tour of Scotland
Train cancellation/Announcer breaks down
Stout Life
Talking to daffodil
Police crime figures (Policeman turns graph around)
Judge (Digital watch/Video recorder/Rubber doll)
SF: Thatcher ('I've seen it, felt it...')
N: Buckingham Palace
N: Eurovision Song Contest
N: Jimmy Kelly
Glue-sniffing bar
Scotland Yard (Rotating sign)
Suicide quickie (Marks out of ten)
Reporter who likes shouting
James Burke parody ('Or is it?')
N: Unknown
N: Bernard Manning
N: Horlicks in the donkey
American Express
N: Colonel Gadaffi
N: Ayatollah Khomeini
President Tito
'I Like Bouncing' (Song)/Credits
Abou Ben Adhem

21 April 1980
Milkman leaves 'Not Today Thank You' note to his nymphomaniac wife
Titles (Atom bomb)
Beat The Cliché
N: Thatcher receives remains of Air Force
N: IRA admit responsibility for Eurovision
One man bus/Old tank
Gone With The Wind spoof (Amy Carter)
N: Iranian flowerpots
N: Hooligans
N: Saudi sanctions
N: Superman 2
Superman sex
Cinema queue (Refusing to believe Mel is 18/Osmonds concert)
Tramp (Price of coffee)
Time Out lonely hearts
Termination (16 year old son)
Frenchmen (Jean Paul Sartre vs the dead pig)
Department store assistants (Hunted down)
N: Only this far apart
N: Olympic swimming team
Thought For The Day (You need patience)
Confessional (Whisky)
N: Donny Osmond's teeth
N: Invasion of Czechoslovakia
N: Mark Thatcher
Gob Of The Month
N: Eurovision repeat
N: Dumb defenceless animal
And all because the lady loves...cutting local bus services (Credits)
SF: Camel and Thatcher

28 April 1980
MGM (Lions shagging)
Titles (Bike flies over nuns)
Death Of A Princess/Apology To The Saudis
Prostitute (Luncheon vouchers)
Thatcher actor (Tramp/Dressing room)
SF: Zola Budd
SF: Carter calling for his own resignation
Kosher gum (Carter)
Stamp auction (Kamen Penny Blue)
Train carriage cleaners
SF: Late trains
N: Cynthia Payne
SF: Brothel/Downing street
Hotel sign ('Piss off' in six languages)
News vendors/Competing headlines
Remote control
Queen's Hat 2
N: Lord Goodman's new fridge
N; Giving the kiss of life to a giraffe
Gerald The Gorilla
Parkinson's man in post office ('You make one move...')
Kidnapping (Business arrangement)
Tarts (Diplomat)
Princess Anne/Mark Phillips (Fingers 2)
N: High rise bomb shelters
N: Motorway Cafe
N: Nolan Sisters
N: Batteries
Domino Theory
Neanderthal man speaks French
Feeding the 5000 (Pot Noodle spoof)
Bob Wellings (Bachelor prince)
'King Of Rock n Roll' (Mod monarch)
Banging ceiling
Train drums

5 May 1980
Guardsmen flashers
Blood bank (Congealed entrance)
Morgue (Fish)
Parkinson interviews Billy Connolly
N: Union bosses
N: Guerrilla
N: Page 3
N: Mark Phillips
Pottery presenter
Hi-Fi Shop (Gramophone)
SF: Budget briefcase (Porn)
Campari and Soda
Passport (Silly faces)
News for the deaf
SF: Gymnast
Mugging (Finger gun)
The Devil - Is He All Bad?
Contagious (Red spots everywhere)
N: Thatcher laughs at unemployment figures
N: Sir Keith Joseph
N: People top ministers
N: Defence strategist
N: Really punctual for next war
Hitchcock (Newsreader gets stabbed)
Metal detector finds light switch/Turns off London
Janet Street Porter interviews Billy Connolly

12 May 1980
Newsreaders: In bunker
Confrontation (Song)
Titles (Atom bomb)
SF: Tipperary (Communist parade)
N: Tito
N: Russian penetration of White House
N: Carter's SOS Embassy Siege
Points Of View
SF: Queen hiccups
Cannabis Party (Rowan stoned)
Guinness 1
SF: Denis Thatcher sick on wife's lap
Guinness 2 (Lively tonight)
N: Knights fighting sponge/Cake in the oven
N: Royal shrinking disease
N: Ayatollah YSL
N: Russian in Eurovision
SF: Royal carriage
Defence minister (Urges men to sleep around a lot more)
Police station phone call/Heavy breathing
Metal detector detects itself
Restaurant revolutions
Transplant Olympics
SF: Thatcher's nose (Pinnochio)
N: Buying own cells
N: Saturday nights
N: Transplant donor (Prince Charles)
Freddie Cosgray/Woolworths purchase/David Essex
Is smoking safer than crossing the road?
N: Libyan situation
N: Speaking cock service
N: Lord Lucan playing centre forward
Ayatollah Song
NTNOCN Guide To Exams (Plug)
Highlights from series/Credits
Police yob

Series 3, Show 1
27 October 1980
[Title: 'Not The Nine O'Clock In The Morning News']
Newsreaders: Parody of Breakfast TV
The Shining 2
Titles (Marching)
Mel strangles a cockerel
N: Gorbachev wheeling other members around
N: Jimmy Carter's tranquillisers
N: Regulation number of sausage rolls
N: Kurt Valdheim's laundrette
Punk at urinal (Zips)
That's Lies
Car with 'Made In Britain' sticker (Sticker made in Japan)
Bank biro (Cleaning ear)
Sir Robert Mark
N: Drive-In Opticians
N: Mrs Thatcher blew on the cake and lit the candles
N: The disappearance of Keith Joseph
N: Euthanasia Outing
N: Brezhnev's Friends
American Election Candidate (Dick Head)
TV Licence ad (Threat)
Bank signs ('Can't you bloody read?')
Unemployment statement (Sighing)
Bhuddist Driving School
Sex Shop (Loud man)
Confession booth (Ansaphone)
Telephone box vandal (Disappointed that first two boxes are already vandalised)
UFO anecdote (Bus)
N: Barbara Steisand's snuff box
N: ID parade for Queen's handbag
N: Bruce Forsyth in zoo
I Like Trucking (Song)/Credits
National Theatre ('I'm buggered if I'm going out there tonight...')

Series 3, Show 2
3 November 1980
[Title: 'Election Special']
Newsreaders: Live from LA skyscraper
Hedgehog apology
Newsreader - Live from LA
Athletics from Birmingham (Motorway lanes)
SF: Three Ronnies (Reagan)
Bad Language
Train restaurant (Serving soup/Waterproofs)
SF: Iraqi It's A Knockout
N: Sir John Guilgud buried in road
N: Prince Charles/Crowing cockerel
Cinema usher/Live cows
One legged raid (Shoe shop)
Constable Savage
Fly The Flag (Man forced into aeroplane)
Bath salts/Diver 1
Which? consumer test (Laxatives)
Burns unit
N: Queen/Daily Star reporters
N: Cyril Smith picks nose from inside his eye
N: Cornflakes are full of goodness
Granny's Mini Metro
Bath salts/Diver 2
Sex Shop (Explicit bag)
Massive queue at 'Quick Service' bank till
Supermarket Space Invaders
Barbarian lager
Welsh choir (Equity)
Kate Bush parody/Credits
Close Encounters (Ice cream van)

Series 3, Show 3
10 November 1980
Newsreaders: Evening wear/Miss World
Announcer (Speaking into baked bean can)
Titles (Ferry cars driving into the sea)
Thatcher out/Thatcher in
N: Ronald Reagan hitting the balls
N: Ayatollah granny/Camel
N: Iran hostages
Pyjama case (Dog)
SF: Nancy Reagan Falls
Vote For God (Atom bomb quickie)
The Aide
Baboons (Destroying car)
Rowan Atkinson walks into a tree
TUC tea break (Voting for tea or coffee)
SF: Scargill/Shooting noises
Old Grey Whistle Test titles
Pop Group (Sisters)
Reg Varney
Surgeon wearing Sooty glove puppet
N: Donors must be feeling unwell
N: Thatcher/Pigeon training
N: Not taken bath for three months
N: Nationwide switched off
Soccer violence (Cut off their goolies)
Join The Royal Family (Army ad spoof)
SF: Red Arrows (Talking pilot)
Buying toilets (Dollhouse set)
Gay flasher (Back to front mac)
N: Hunt for Count Dracula
N: New Wurzel Gummage
N: New panellists for Blankety Blank
N: Production of new Metro back to normal
Hikers (Kendal mint cake)
'I Believe' (Song)
Closedown/Rowan with wine glass

Series 3, Show 4
17 November 1980
Newsreaders: Changing colour stripes
Changing Aston for Sue Lawley
I'm on fire
Nationwide twins
Swedish film centre
Douglas Adams plugs book
London tourist board (Racist)
Titles (Charging)
Firemen (Snooze button)
Spaceman being sold War Cry
N: Unknown
Girls' soccer (Take their tops off)
Roger Cook tortured
N: Bungalow with five basements
N: Golf ball out of bounds
N: Prince Charles/Stronger elastic for Thatcher
Sir Keith Joseph (Boring interview)
Counting sheep
One Man And His Lion
Rowan's rant (Sunday colour supplements/Modern technology)
Soup and cocoa (Bachelors spoof)
Auld Lang Syne
N: Unknown
Control TV programmes (with John Cleese)
'Big Jobs' (Song)
Last of The Mohicans

Series 3, Show 5
24 November 1980
Ready Brek (Windscale)
Titles (Aeroplanes)
SF: Queen BP
Daily Star
N: Prince Charles/Blow job
N: Michael Foot/Short-sighted git
N: Reagan's bullet-proof underpants
N: David Bellamy fair to piddling
Elephant Man (Dung)
Two villains (One pair of tights)
Battered baby (Policewoman)
Russell Harty parody (Ex of Prince Charles)
Sunbed (Doctor Who)
N: Doctor Who marriage
N: Sailors trapped in Britt Eckland's bathroom
N: Sir Alec Douglas Hulme bronzed and fit
The Obit
This Is Your Life (Bandaged)
Space Invaders/Tax Evaders
American Express (Join the Masons)
SF: Kiss of death
Open marriage
Schmidt Old Slag
Cocktail party (Naval officer/Queen)
Burglar/Country music
SF: Skier
Cold students reading
N: Ayatollah under the chestnut tree
N: Pope/Rhythm method
SF: Mahareshi yogi
Vicar breakdown
All purpose ad (Stately home)
The great smell of Henry Cooper
Russian grand master/Boy wonder
Man Alive parody (Stress)
Rowan in discotheque/Actually a clothes shop
Aural sex (Tongue through Mel's head)

Series 3, Show 6
1 December 1980
Running time unknown
Newsreaders: Feather wallpaper background
Masons apology
SF: Queen/Big Ben
Titles (Marching/Dancing girls)
Panda crossing
Brewed by robots (Milk factory)
Pope's hat (Thunderclap)
N: Pope kissing ground
N: Reagan and Nancy (Wife not son)
N: Knob out of plaster/Collapsed house
Unhelpful ticket collector (Wins award)
Piano/Surgeons walk in
Sunbed (Put on plate)
Chilean Milk Marketing Board (Torture)
Gang of Three (Chinese court)
The Windsor Sisters' Greatest Hits
N: Queen's one-way mirror
N: NASA training at Forsythe's one man show (No atmosphere)
N: Princess Anne searching for editor of Sunday Mirror
N: Thatcher and Heath sent round dogs
Crowd control
SF: Ayatollah Eddie Calvert
Gift Shop
Giscard (Royals)
Michaelangelo's David
Photo booth (Wedding photos)
S: Race meeting/Pope Tic Tac
Thatcher leaving (Family wave goodbye)
SF: Fidgeting man next to Thatcher
Headmaster wanting to spank boy one last time
Actor's breakfast (Silent movie)
N: Stamps on nose/Send away mother in law
N: Chasing bulls/Pick your own
N: Thatcher/Chairman Damart
N: Fire engine on tow
Weatherman (Symbols get stuck on map)
Toilet race/Various short sketches over credits
Euthanasia Society (Walks through door into abyss)

Series 3, Show 7
8 December 1980
Newsreaders: Footmen
'Baronet Oswold Ernold Mosley' (Song)
Punk sprays under arm
Army detergent
Queen's visit (Hen)
Loyal apology
SF: Royal lookalike
N: Santas
N: Divorce court judge
N: Soup in trombone
Iran/Iraq explanation
Barry Manilow parody/Barry Manilow quickie
Cargo cult (Worshipping Prince Phillip)
Toilet (Pneumatic drills)
Kidney donor
Wizard's cauldron (Wimpy worker)
Teddy bear quickie (Air hostess)
SF: Thatcher calls beefy men into her cabinet
Conservative Party Political broadcast (Explaining economics)
Sperm donor (Car sticker)
Acupuncture (Wiping nose on hand)
Not The Parrot Sketch
SF: Vote For Tea
N: Harrod's arrest/Assault on chicken
N: Man who invented snakes and ladders buried
N: Charles behind bull/Water ski-ing in desert
N: Film censors/Football supporter
Deaf karate experts
Divorce Ceremony
'Nine To Five' (Song)
N: Apology/Pie in face
Rolf on Sunday (Kidnapping kids)
SF: Queen photographs Lady Diana
Parrot punchline (Black screen/laughing)

Series 3, Show 8
15 December 1980
Newsreaders: Woodlands scene in background. The real Angela Rippon and
Jan Leeming appear in the final section, scoring Pamela's performance.
BBC announcer tells us how movie ends
Musical aeroplane
Polish cartoon (Subtitles)
Titles (Atom bomb)
SF: Thatcher/Heath in combat
Radio control ospreys
Pet shop quickie (Carrier bag)
N: Cornwall independence
N: Buckingham Palace denials
N: Prince Charles Xmas shopping for stable lad
N: Giant photo lands on Uganda
N: Gannex mail
University Challenge
ABBA parody
Policeman stops young driver (Girlfriend 16 in ten minutes)
Carol singers ('Piss Off You Stingy Gits')
Christmas presents (Little boy blackmails father)
Multiplex cinema
Thatchula (Thatcher vampire)
SF: Mushrooms
Shirley Williams ad
Coffee ad
Sexist cameraman
Sexism on TV (Discussion/Camera ogles female presenter)
Doors (Rowan jumping through front door straight into different street)
SPG man brings his work home with him
Cash point (Swag card)
Now Dry Your Hands (Punches man in stomach)
SF: Princess Anne drives over hedgehog
Ayatollah auction
N: Soviet Union Mickey Mouse club
N: Prince Phillip stole Bobby Charlton wig
N: Standards falling in hospital
N: Schoolgirl pregnancy
N: Kenya peace talks (Over seven foot)
SF: Thatcher emerges from coalmine
The Beatles' 'In My Life' over credits (Lennon tribute)

Series 4, Show 1
1 February 1982
Newsreaders: Pixelated backgrounds
SF: Rocket (Won't start)
Titles (Meat)
Restaurant - Taxi crashes through wall
Breathalyser (Inflating police tyres)
N: New gang of pickpockets
N: Barry Manilow's bed
N: Superglue in Brezhnev's hat
N: 3 Millionth Unemployed Man
Schoolboy/Chairman of Board Of Governors (Train driver)
SF: Train passengers in zero gravity
Job Creation Scheme (School leavers used as stationery)
Punk (Man buys badge)
Public toilet - wig blown off/hands blown off
Hospital signs (Sick bucket)
N: Train in driver's garage
N: Roy Jenkins to play Jiminny Cricket
N: Dog owners looking like their pets
N: Desert handover
Mr Bazouki (Holding testicles/Swiss bank account)
National Bank Of Poland
Criminal persuaded to drive for Tory candidate
Pyramid of nuns on bikes
N: Barbara Cartland exercises her hair
N: Train where passengers can be in bed before the driver
N: The Crown Vs Durex
N: Reunion for four former Dr Whos
Polish Show/Credits
SF: Cavalry (with commentary)
SF: Queen watching a What The Butler Saw machine
Nice Video Shame About The Song
Public toilet (Caber-tosser)

Series 4, Show 2
8 February 1982
Newsreaders: A mirror is behind them, showing the audience
The Spy Who Came In The Cold (aka 'Ivan The Awful')
Titles (Edward Heath applies nail varnish, Mrs Thatcher reads muscle magazines, etc)
SF: Mrs Thatcher - 'I'd take it like a shot...'/Japanese man with birch twig
Game For A Laugh
Public Toilet (No soap/Filthy roller-towel saying 'Please Wash Your Hands')
Restaurant (Mel tastes wine, vomits, and then says 'that's fine, thank you')
Fast Home Wine Kit (Cow in crate eating grapes)
N: New seats for soccer fans
N: Definition of Brain Death
N: Laker crash
Aussie Pilot
Does God Exist?
Re-Altered Images
Aeroplane toilet (Cut to SF: ball landing on cricket pitch)
Radio broadcast of cricket match (Griff with mouth in bowl of water)
Snooker player put off because he can hear the sarcastic commentator
Home Organ
N: Mrs Ghandi's new portrait
N: Advanced passenger train
N: New human flagpole
Impatient man waiting to use telephone box (Punchline: to piss in)
Tomorrow's World (Deaf man's telephone)
SF: Duracell battery ad parody (Tebbit at Tory conference)
New Glee
Holiday Habits
Commission for Racial Equality (Typewriter)
The Not Team At Home With Their Son
Grow Up You Bastards
N: Burning villages for El Salvador
N: Mrs Thatcher reads her fan mail
N: Peter Parker drives a train home
Pulmonary cancer (Hamlet cigar parody)
SF: Ronald Reagan prompted to say 'God Bless America'
SF: The Queen listening to a badly-played violin
Ploughman's Lunch
Man sees coat in shop window/Walks out looking like a tailor's dummy
Man asks people to give his car a push/He's pushed all the way home (Credits over)

Series 4, Show 3
(15 February 1982)
[Title: 'Hi Se Seo An Nuacht Ag A Naoi Chlog']
Newsreaders: Tucked up in bed
Not The Nine O'Clock News Is Bankrupt
Ask The Family
Woman playing What's-The-Time-Mr-Wolf? with guardsmen
Ask The Family (Reprise)
Rubik's Cube ('Silence, damn you!')
Love Is The Sweetest Thing/Valentine
SDP advert
N: Black Magic goes under the hammer in Iran
N: Prince Charles dismounts
SF: 7 Up
SF: Geoff Capes
Beagle on a bike (No dogs/smoking/bikes)
Motorbike pyramid of policeman chasing motorbike pyramid of robbers
Bank: Man is told his money is kept in a box
Petrol price (£5.01)
Public toilet - Thatcher's voice comes out of hot air machine
SF: Thatcher gets applause from Germans
N: £1 Coin
N: British Rail is to close
N: Idi Amin's dessert
Kangaroo Meat ad
Unemployed Wildebeests
SF: Prince Charles eating dung
Christmas Island (Mad colonel)
Two ex-enemies meet (Umbrellas)
SF: Queen on catwalk
SF: Princess Diana's wedding dress ('Look at all the creases...')
Financial Times
Post Office ('Two twelves, please...')
N: Do-It-Yourself Paki-bashing
N: Cyril Smith's stomach
N: High-speed train left out in rain
Roland Davies (Song)
Contac 2000 (Big flu pills up nose)

Series 4, Show 4
22 February 1982
Newsreaders: Cromacre clothing
Embarrassed woman (Beermat stuck to glass/Table stuck to glass)
Titles (Dancing/Michael Foot demolishes buildings)
SF: Ian Paisley sings 'I'm A Rocker'
SF: Ronald Reagan - 'Ah, shut up!'
Question Time
Headbangers (Song)
Peep-hole in door ('I thought you were Barry Manilow...)
N: Michael Foot giving birth
N: The Ayatollah Khomeini may be dead
N: Dog that sweeps up its own mess
N: Sports car (Bike underneath)
Hey Bob
Shoplifter 1 (Goods on special offer)
Shoplifter 2 (Stealing security camera)
SF: Police riot shields (Sound of train)
Restaurant - Man from Michelin
SF: Live in Peace with your Pope
N: Pancake on Pope's head
N: Windscale dustbin lids
N: Herr Schmidt's Dave Allen impression
N: Princess Anne naked from the waist down
Porn photographer (Punchline: He's cutting her toenails)
Woman with night-dress inside zip-up dog
Restaurant - 'Wine, sir?'/'Just a mouthful...'
Well Mr Glossop (aka 'One For The Birds')
Roughage K
McEnroe's Breakfast
SF: Queen (Bullfighter)
SF: Princess Diana turns on Soho lights
Restaurant - Man with sleeves inside pullover
SF: ?Politician with home organ
Snooker (From the Dodecahedron Rooms)
Tomorrow's World - Microchip
Woman run over ('Did you get his number?'/Number plate)
ID parade (Disparate people)
Swedish Chemist (Deodorant)
Shop Stewards (Hands Up)
SF: Soldiers slapping one another (Hooter noise)
N: Speaking Parcel
N: Photographers inside pillar-boxes
N: Being ejected from a Barrett home
SF: The Pope sings 'Jungle Rock'
Jackanory (Party Political Broadcast)

1 March 1982
[Newsreaders: Chromacre clothing]
Lawyers ('I be in the wrong courtroom')
Titles (Aeroplanes)
Rowan Atkinson avoids a lamp-post and falls down a man-hole
Thugs on bus (Get beaten up and thrown off by old ladies)
Riot Police ('I didn't realise I'd moved so far back...')
N: Mobile massage parlour
N: Prince Charles meets the editor of the Daily Star
N: Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor face a setback
Songs Of Praise
Failed In Wales
Man choking in an office (Pills in throat)
Man run over by car (Green man changes)
Car crusher/Toy cars
N: Leaders of Afghanistan and Poland (Bill and Ben)
N: Wax model of Rod Stewart
N: Disadvantage of sperm banks
SF: Mrs Thatcher crushing grapes with her feet
SF: Roy Jenkins urinating at podium
Brain Death
Nurse trapped inside a patient's body
Riots (Police put speeding ticket on car)
N: The main culprit at Toxteth
N: Plans for new runway
N: Getting tough on rapists
SF: Mrs Thatcher ('Much more exciting, isn't it?')
Rumbley's Pies
Made From Whales
SF: David Steel getting applause from children
What A Load Of Willies
Blind man crossing road (Bleeping watch)
Student surgeons who are actually journalists
N: Prince Charles' hair transplant
N: Ayatollah running out of people to kill
N: Derby County's official receiver
Ah, Come In Rawlinson
SF: The Pope's ice-cream van
Laid In Wales
SF: Bhuddist (Creaking)
Typical Bloody Typical (Song)/Credits
SF: Parliament (Trumpeters play 'In The Mood')

8 March 1982
[Title: 'Shame']
Newsreaders: On motorbike and sidecar
SF: Golf Trousers
Titles (Animal sex)
SF: Dogs chasing Mrs Thatcher up a ladder
Punk painting white lines on road with his Mohican
N: Erica Rose passing by a barracks
N: Punching Ian Paisley in the mouth
N: 3 Foot Long Bogie
Two Ninnies/Two Ninnies Song
Rock Interview (Marc Almond)
Jogger who cannot cross the road
Pub Grub
N: Mrs Thatcher (Gurning photo)
N: Jeremy Thorpe on a unicycle
N: Prince Charles getting out of a car without breaking wind
N: Rumours of Ayatollah Khomeini's death
Arab identifying his wife's body
SF: ?Politician getting out of aeroplane (Pink Panther theme)
SF: Pope kissing tarmac (Clang!)
Michael Parkinson interviews Ian Botham
Zak the Alien
Pork Scratchings
SF: Thatcher/Reagan on the telephone ('Hi, hot pants...')
N: Mrs Thatcher holds attention of male colleagues
N: Denis Healey's speech of reply
Thug who steps on man's glasses while not wearing any shoes
Time Gentlemen, Please
Hey Wow/Credits
Pizza Moment
Song: "(The Memory) Kinda Lingers"

Compilations, 1979-95

'Not The Least Of Not The Nine O'Clock News' (28 December 1979; 35m)
Material from Series 1 only. Repeated as part of BBC2's 25th anniversary in April 1989, and again in 1992 with the 'Fawlty Towers' sequence cut.

'The Best Of Not The Nine O'Clock News' (9 September 1980; 25m)

'25 Years Of Not The Nine O'Clock News' (16 September 1980; 25m)

'25 Years Of Not The Nine O'Clock News' (23 September 1980; 25m)
Material from Series 2 only, shown as publicity for imminent third series.

'Not The Nine O'Clock Christmas: Write Your O...' (30 December 1980; 25m)
Material from Series 3 only

'Not Another Not The Nine O'Clock News' (9 October 1981; 25m)

'An Eight Chance To See Not The Nine O'Clock News' (16 October 1981; 25m)

'The Last Of The Summer Repeats' (23 October 1981; 25m)
Material from Series 1, 2 and 3; shown as publicity for imminent fourth series

'Not The World Cup' (Repeated compilation, 1982)

'Not The Nine O'Clock News' (7, 14 & 28 September 1983; 3x25m)
3 compilations, taken from Series 4 only; sections from all three were used in a comilation shown on Comic Relief Night, 12 March 1993

'Not The Nine O'Clock News' (October-December 1995; 8x25m)
8 compilations from all series, as per video releases (although transmitted in a different order). Repeated from July 1999.

(c) 2000 - 2001 some of the corpses are amusing