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 WASHINGTON
- The sound is still reverberating through White House grounds,
the Rose Garden, the West Wing, down Pennsylvania Avenue,
the kitchen (definitely the kitchen) - and even, they think,
in the car pool!
"The memory of it still makes my eyes water", confessed
White House Florist, Fancy Clock. "Gollee, I haven't
heard such a noise since a student pilot removed his Cessna's
prop on dumpster."
Pastry Chef Rolling Messier was off duty leaving
the White House kitchen when he heard it. "I
thought, my God, no! I last saw the apprentice
chef brandishing a new Next Day Gourmet® heavy-duty
stainless steel spoon near the industrial-strength
blender!!"
The 'Incident'? (Shortly, patience please)
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| The
President and Spot - happier days.Note President's hands
safely in pockets in Spot's presence! |
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The President is well known for his boyish,
Texan sense of humor. He loves a good joke,
preferably on staffers when they least expect it.
His favorite joke occurred to him after hearing
the story of ejection seats in Irish helicopters,
told by HMX-1 air crew during a breakdown in discipline,
taste and protocol.
"Workin' on this, Junio' figgers, eff'n he
wo'e an extenshun arm ayend a false hayend ayend
stuck this hyar in th' chopper's roto' while pretendin'
t'wave t'th' press he'd scare th' bejeezus outta
all ayend surndry. It worked a treat, Goddammit!
He scared 'em crapless. Beyest of all were Security
- th' looks on them guys' fayeces. Eff'n they were
Japs they'd haf skewered 'emselves on th' spot
- no offens t'th' darg". (Anecdote kindly
supplied by an old family friend).
So well did repeat performances condition all
and sundry, in fact, that ".. Spot, Junio's
beloved pet spaniard, when he seez the fake arm
he scurries fo' a hidin' place an' howls an' yowls.
I tell ya, he knows th' President is gonna hurt
himself agin!".
A HMX flight crew spent the best part of a
day coaxing him (the distressed pooch, that is)
out of Marine One's tail section on one occasion.
Some claim, perhaps unfairly, such incidents
shortened Spot's life.
And The 'Incident'?? (You guessed it)
"After a particularly bad meeting with French officials
Dubya didn't have his fake arm with him. The First Lady usually
carries it for him in a little bag they got on their European
Vacation (inspired by one of their favorite movies by Chevy
Chase)". Well, the First Lady was not on Marine One that
fateful day, was she! And - YOU GUESSED IT.
"Still distressed by something a Frenchman
said - in French he claimed, though it sounded
like goddam English to our (Texan) President -
the moment he stepped from Marine One our still
fuming Dubya, seeing Security looking anxiously
at him from the White House lawn (funny, they always
do that - look at him anxiously) reflexively (just
to piss 'em off this time, I think) stuck up his
(real) arm - straight into the chopper's rotor!"
(kindly described by White House guest witness)
Twangy Whammy. Staffers said they never heard anything
like it, and hope never to again.
Not the sound of soft, fleshy fingers and delicate, brittle,
manicured nails meeting titanium-capped woven fiberglass traveling
at 150 feet per second. No Sirree! That was just a brief,
tiny squishy noise with attendant crackling from wildly distorted
joints and bones.
The sound they never want to hear again, that made their
eyes water, made the hair on the back of their necks stand
up then run for cover, made a cold, deathly breath of fear
momentarily darken the Rose Garden leaving a trail of prematurely
fallen petals, made the lights dim throughout the West Wing
(an event not witnessed in its long, tarnished history - hence
it was painted White) was that of a Texan near-mortally wounded,
a Texan in a fit of anti-French rage, a Texan remembering
the Alamo - seeing it attacked by Moslems instead of Godless
Catholic peons!
A Texan with a broken fingernail or two - and, this Sheep-Overboard
reporter adds proudly, a Texan with a not unsheepish look
about him. 
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