The film of the hit West End show, about the cult US chat show host, includes the “F” word 3,168 times and the “C” word 297 times.
Of course, by an sensible reckoning it doesn’t - there are actually 96 ‘F words’ and 9 ‘C words’ in the show, but by the mystic powers granted them by the spirit of Mary Whitehouse, it seems you can multiply those by the number of people in the cast (33) to come up with a suitably alarming number. But, if you’re going to go that far off the path of sanity, why stop there? As each word can now be counted for every time it’s used in chorus, surely each separate broadcast should count as well? After all, each of them will involve a separate emission of the offending word into the world, so surely that number ought to be multiplied by the number of TV sets it’s shown on.
If we assume a million people watch the programme, at an average of around 2 per TV set, that gives us a grand total of 1,584,000,000 ‘F words’ and 148,500,000 ‘C words’ being sent out into the poor unprotected ears of the people of Britain who have never, ever, heard language like that in any other part of their daily lives - not even those who work for The Sun. And remember that those figures don’t include any possibility of the broadcast being picked up by aliens in deep space at some unspecified point in the future, or even that they should probably all be doubled as many people believe that their personal invisible imaginary friend is everywhere at all times, so he/she/it will have to hear every single one of the billion or so usages. Frankly, if civilisation as we know it hasn’t collapsed by Sunday morning, I’ll be very surprised.
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