Wednesday, January 19, 2005

STORY: Golden Penis

PLEASE NOTE: All pictures taken by me, unless otherwise noted. All stories true. No names changed.

Let me just begin by saying I could I could build the drama—I could weave this into a fascinating tale, ripe with clever adjectives, ridiculous analogies and unforeseen twists—but that’s what I get paid to do. No body’s paying me for this, so instead I’m just going to lay out the facts as best as I remember them.
Last September FHM sent me to South Padre Island in search of strippers posing as collage girls to enter and win wet t-shirt and hot-body contests. Having never really gone to collage, this was my first spring break experience. It was absolutely bananas. I got there a day before our photo-team so I could find the articles subject. It was easily the craziest day of my life. The place was nuts. Couches on the beach. Fights. Kegs being dragged around. And Girls everywhere. At least ten grabbed me while I was walking by and just started making out. Really, these girls were going wild. But none of them wanted to come back to my room. I was probably the only guy there who wasn’t sharing his room with 10 other dudes, but apparently it wasn’t that kind of party.

At 4 AM I wandered back to my room drunk, horney and, well, drunk. Did I mention horney? I remembered that in my Spring Break Kit (the little box of freebees they leave in room at Radison South Padre) there’d been a bottle of lotion. Without even turning on the lights, I grabbed the lotion, took a towel from the bathroom, undressed, laid down on the bed and took care of business. When I was done I wiped myself off, tossed the towel and passed out. When I woke up in the morning I was wrapped up in the top sheet. Gross.
But there was something else too. It took me a second or two to realize, but my crotch felt itchy, dry and just plain irritated. Even before I untangled myself from the polyester cover, I noticed the bottle: Jergens Soft Shimmer Skin Radiance Moisturizer—that’s right, the crap I’d rubbed so thoroughly into my tender man-bits had gold glitter in. And thus, I had created the world’s first golden penis. PLEASE NOTE: Before you look below, the colors and clarity on this web-site do my little man no justice. Really, it's hard to apreciate the depth of the sparkle. The golden sheen. It really was quite awesome. (If anyone knows the technical reason for the loss in color and clarity, please email me...)

But before you get all excited and coat your own Johnson in sparkly stuff, examine the picture above carefully. Yeah it’s gold, but can you see the undercoat of irritation. Even after showering it itched. I was limping around for at least the next day or so.