The Making of Mac 27
As the crowd of curious seekers filled the auditorium, the scientist beamed from the podium, uttering "Welcome, welcome"
The man was snappily attired in a long white lab coat, fish net stockings, stilt heels, a bustier, and wire rim glasses. His red hair was teased into twin tufts ALA Einstein. He nudged his assistant who has been doing something with a number of small figures in a stainless steel bowl. "My assistant, Sally-Sue Slasher, will now distribute anatomy figures of the Mac 27. Hold one up, Ms. Slasher."
When she took one from the bowl, all the rest were attached in an endless daisy chain of connected anatomy. The scientist rolled his eyes and said, "Not again, Ms. Slasher..."
"They do it themselves, I swear," the red-eyed woman claimed.
A transparency was projected on the electric easel. It was a fully clothed Mac 27, nattily attired in a brown coverall. "I am Goodeye Snark, Professor Cum Loud at Oxford, PHD, MD, DDS, BDSM, and BYOB."
Flipping to the next page, the coverall yielded to a naked Mac 27. It was very anatomically correct. Fire sprinklers came on automatically as thuds were heard through out the auditorium. As soon as the lucky visitors revived, the lecture resumed.
A bell rang and Sally-Sue Slasher salivated. Enter Fox Mulder and Alex Krycek. They took a bow, undressed, and proceeded directly to the oral sex. Sprinklers again came on and several minutes passed before powerful fans cleared the steam. Fortunately, they were Krycek fans used to working under incredibly steamy conditions and they quickly restored clarity to the room.
"You see the Mac 27s tremendous versatile and human like response resulted from the use of cloned human brain cells. This little demonstration should reassure you that no Kryceks were harmed in the process of harvesting the cells. Mr. Fox Mulder has just demonstrated that he really can suck Krycek's brain right through his cock. Thank you, gentlemen, same time next week." He popped See's chocolates into the waiting mouths of Mulder and Krycek as he dismissed them.
Causing a sad soft moan of loss to undulate through the room, Snark moved to the next chart, which showed a layer of epidermis dissected. "The skin as you see has the most amazing properties. It is composed of a gene spliced cell form that is a combination of peach skin and the most indestructible, durable, and otherwise useless substance known to humans. That is correct, ladies and gentlemen...cellulite. It is cheap, unwanted by the former owners, comes in all colors, and is impervious to X-rays, health cremes, loofahs, exercise, bullets, and blunt force trauma. I am sorry to say that we are not taking further donations at this time."
Number Six skipped through, singing,
"The foot bone connected to the leg bone,
The leg bone connected to the knee bone,
The knee bone connected to the thighbone,
The thighbone connected to the backbone,
The backbone connected to the neck bone,
The neck bone connected to the head bone,
Oh, hear the word of the Lord!"
He rolled a skeleton out and continued singing until a large red Oilien filled balloon chased him out of the room. Snark giggled and stated, "I love that part."
Sally-Sue Slasher murmured, "Number 6 was a cool character, but the problem was with whom to slash him..."
Snark pointed to the skeleton and explained, "This is the foundation of the Mac 27."
Lights went out and when they were turned back on, Sally-Sue Slasher was giggling even harder than Snark, who now pointed to a skeleton colored by makeup and dressed in bras, girdles, and supportive underwear.
"Sally-Sue, what do the words Television Restriction tomorrow mean to you?" Snark threatened.
"I'm sorry. I'll take care of it," the assistant said. She quickly removed the garments and makeup.
"Now, the bone structure of the Mac 27 is also made of recycled materials. Yes, harvested plaque, thrombus, wads of gum from under theater chairs, and CSM Spender's black heart have been combined with cookies baked by the niece of a prominent Mac 27 fan and with alien technology. The structure so created is strong, but light and can be mistaken for natural human bones by near sighted x ray technicians."
Snark pointed to Mac 27s hair. "Other materials were attempted, but none approached the texture of genuine Krycek hair. We resolved this by force-growing acres of Krycek hair on plantations in the rain forests of the Northwest. Occasional flukes have resulted in infestation of harvest workers, but fortunately, the legend of the yeti protects them from disclosure or harm. The yeti is a protected species in the Northwest. I would like to categorically deny the events as reported in the Pun-ishment, a Hair-Raising tale by Fan4Richie, as being the work of a disgruntled would be Mac 27 owner. Fan4Richie was denied for minimal decency and wrote that tale in retale-action No wild toupee ever escaped from the plantation."
Leaving the room pondering whether that meant she had too much decency or too little, Snark moved on. He said, "In conclusion, I would like to tell you that no viable Krycek cells were used in these endeavors to inject into the somatic cells. Only those less motile sperm that were not mathematically inclined were used. Yes, those cells which failed cellular division were naturally selected."
Nodding, Snark said, "Thank you and good day."
The room murmured uneasily as the man lowered a steel barrier between himself and the group. Slowly, the audience realized the ominous meaning. There were no free samples. They had been teased, tantalized, steamed, punned, and pummeled for nothing. No Mac 27s were going to be going home with them.
As one beast, they moved against the lecturer, but it was too later, he had softly and swiftly vanished away. For the Snark was a boojum, you see.
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