The Prince and The Pea
Once upon a time, there was a kingdom ruled by a fair, stalwart, and handsome king. He had everything good in life and was much beloved in the land. His one misfortune was that he had no one to share his throne. In his loneliness, he had become surly and that didn't exactly make it any easier to woo someone to be his beloved companion.
The king who shall be known as Walter as that was his name tried the usual things. He kissed any number of frogs, which gave his breath a peculiar odor and really didn't enhance that reputation one bit. He borrowed a glass slipper from the next kingdom over to try on various eligible men and women. The end result was that he became known as the king who has a foot fetish and a thing for frogs.
People spent a great deal of idle time doing genealogy charts to see exactly how closely his parents had been related.
In great despair and horny enough to permanently tent his royal robes, King Walter went to consult his wizards of whom he had three. The wisest one was Frohike, who had once been a toad until Princess Dana kissed him. He still had a nasty habit of catching flies with his tongue. Then there was Byers who had spent several years as a scarecrow, and Langly, who had been exiled to a rock star until he hacked his way out.
"You must consult your crystal balls and tell me how I may find my true love," Walter said.
"All right," said Langly, pulling up his robes to reveal the fabled crystal balls.
"Tea tree oil or garlic cloves rubbed over the affected area are both recommended," Frohike said.
"What?" Walter said, thinking that this wasn't exactly going to enhance his charms.
Byers squinted and looked again, "Hey, Frohike, you have to invent glasses. That's not the way for King Walter to find his one true love. That's the way to cure jock itch."
"Whoops," remarked Frohike.
"Okay, here's what you will do," Byers said. "Obviously you want a real prince or princess to match your Royal Highness. Now one well-known fact is that a prince or princess has very sensitive skin. Therefore you will conduct all applicants to a guest chamber and invite each of them to sleep on a bed with twenty mattresses piled atop a single pea and twenty feather beds upon those. A true prince or princess will still wake sore and bruised from sleeping upon the pea."
Not mentioning the kickback from Earl Serta of Perfect, the best-known mattress maker in the kingdom, Frohike endorsed this plan.
Soon it was advertised far and wide that King Walter was seeking a fair and tender prince or princess, a true royal mate. The challenge was enough to cause a steady flow of applicants to the palace.
First came a handsome prince from a neighboring kingdom. His faithful squire, Blair of Sandberg, accompanied Sir Jim of Ellison. Walter liked the looks of this prince. He had a very short haircut, steely blue eyes, and was built like a brick outhouse. His shoulders were so broad and full of muscles that they rippled even when he stood still. Jim's father insisted that he apply as they suspected that Sir Jim was in love with sweet Blair. Jim's father was really not a nice guy and he was a snob who was against the love match as Blair's mother was a gypsy and his father was a wandering stranger.
After a good dinner, Sir Jim was brought to the chamber with the high pile of mattresses. He disdained the ladder provided and rappelled to the top. As soon as he lay down, Jim sensed there was something wrong. He was a magical prince and he quickly extended his senses. He stood up and said, "There's a pea under my bed."
"Well, I didn't do it," declared Blair, who, truth to tell, had quite a problem with pee and beds until he was ten. It was the trauma of being chased from place to place with his mother, the gypsy that caused it.
"Not that kind of pea," said Sir Jim, tearing apart the mattress heap to find the culprit. He held the pea up for a moment.
Sir Blair immediately recognized the pea as a magical pea and put it into his pocket. He said, "If we find the right place and plant this pea, we shall grow a castle in the air in which we may live with no fear of your father."
And so before morning the pair crept out of the palace and went to the Banks of Simon to plant the seed. Their castle grew in a Cascade of beauty and they, of course, lived happily ever after.
Walter was saddened to find that not only was prince fled, but also he had taken the pea.
Grumbling, Walter put another pea, this one from the kitchen, beneath the mattress pile. For good measure, he locked it to the floor. The things that people will steal!
Next came a rowdy sailor who was a prince of the sea. Popeye tried to sleep on the mattress, but long years aboard a ship made such luxury uncomfortable to him. He cleverly rigged a hammock and slept like a prince in that.
In the morning, King Walter asked the sailor how he slept and the sea prince said, "Slept like a charm, yep, like a charm, that's what I say and that's what I mean because I'm Popeye the sailor-man."
Relieved because the sailor prince had a lantern jaw, never seemed to take his pipe from his mouth, and reeked of spinach, Walter bade Popeye good bye and gave him a cask of Olive Oil to keep him company.
Princes and Princesses came from the far ends of the earth. Princess Leia of Organia arrived. She was a real princess but when she woke in the morning sore and weary from tossing and turning, she was in a very bad mood.
When Walter showed her the trick, Princess Leia slapped Walter so hard that he saw stars. She said, "That was very deceitful. I would rather live my life Solo then marry you."
With those words, an adventurer appeared from mid air and offered her a ride on his magic chariot, the Millennium Falcon. Quickly, Leia accepted and away they flew to a place far far away.
Walter was relieved. He suspected that Princess Leia was high maintenance and she really hadn't turned him on. He thought she was probably lousy in bed, a truly bad Leia.
The palace was in constant turmoil from the visiting prince and princesses. Either they failed the test or they had their own reasons for not wanting to marry him.
Finally, Walter gave up. The stack of mattresses stood as a monument to his disappointment.
One dark and rainy night, however, Walter's luck changed. Someone pounded at his door. When it was opened, a very wet creature stood dripping in the doorway. Rain drops dripped from the man's large nose. He was wearing a stylish trench coat and a magical suit of Armani that would repel the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
"Sir, may I ask lodging in this cold and unfortunate weather?" the man said.
Now, Walter was taken with the man despite his appearance. He said, "Of course, welcome, I am King Walter of the Crystal City. You look like a drowned rat!"
When Walter said that last, the man looked panicked and looked in the pocket of his coat. He calmed after checking and said, "Thank God, the rat is far from drowned!"
That was odd, but Walter dismissed it. His heart was filled with hope. In fact, he hardly cared if the man was a real prince at all. He adored the hazel eyes, the rumpled hair, the mouth that begged to be kissed, the long legs, and the bottom so lush that it made Walter's mouth water with want.
The man said, "I am Prince Fox of Mulder, who has wandered the earth many years seeking my sister who was abducted by a cruel Carter."
Now, Walter was delighted at the news that this attractive man was a prince of a fellow. He said," Welcome, you must spend the night in my palace."
Fox of Mulder was very weary and quickly agreed. The King has a wonderful feast served. The Prince had excellent manners and was a fascinating conversationalist. He had many unlikely tales of how he had resolved problems that he had encountered in his long journeys. He said that he had fought monsters and seen wonderful things. The odd thing was that he kept slipping bits of food into his pocket. Walter didn't make any comment, thinking that the poor Prince must have often gone hungry. In fact, Walter found the habit endearing and he knew that he wanted to take care of the Prince so he no longer suffered such privations.
After the big meal, Prince Mulder was tired. He yawned and stretched. Walter said, "I have the guest room prepared for you."
Secretly, Walter was determined that he would have Prince Mulder as his companion. Watching those tight buns work as Mulder climbed high onto the bed, Walter instantly knew how he could make sure that the Prince complained of soreness in the morning. Offering the prince a nightcap that clouded the mind to sleep, Walter determined that he would wait for the man to sleep and then would sneak into the chamber. He would put the beautiful prince over his knee and spank those lovely buns.
When Mulder was sure that King Walter was gone, he took off the nightcap. In fact, he took off all of his clothing, as he liked to sleep in the nude. He whistled and up from a rat hole scurried a very handsome rat.
With a squeak, the rat magically transformed into a sleekly beautiful man with lovely green eyes. The man said, "I couldn't check everywhere. The kitchen staff was still cleaning from the banquet so I couldn't see if Princess Samantha was hidden there. I did learn something interesting however."
"What?" Mulder asked, petting his pretty ratty boy.
"The king is seeking a mate, but he announced that he would only marry a true prince or princess," the transformed rat said. "Some kooks he hired as wise men said to put a pea under all of these mattresses. According to them, a true royal would toss and turn, unable to sleep because of their sensitive and delicate skin."
"Oh, I wondered what was so uncomfortable!" Mulder declared. "Walter is the most sexy man I have ever seen saving you, my sweet Russian rat."
Both the rat and the prince sighed as they contemplated the vision of Walter's lean hips, his firm ass, and his rippling muscles.
"We could be happy with King Walter," the rat said. "Or at least you could."
The rat voiced an unhappy squeak. An evil wizard had cursed him. He could be a rat or a man, but if he ever had sex with his own true love, he would be a rat forever. The only cure was to be skinned alive and that was too horrible for the rat to endure.
"I will never be happy until I have found my sister and until you are cured," Prince Mulder said.
So, sadly, they removed the pea so Prince Mulder could rest. Alex, the enchanted rat, fell asleep on his best beloved's pillow with Mulder's hand gently on his silken fur.
King Walter had been limbering his hand to spank Prince Mulder sore for his own good. He listened at the door until the soft murmurs turned into the sibilance of sleep. He was very surprised that the Prince talked himself to sleep, but the charms of the man far outweighed his faults.
"It's for his own good," mused Walter. Besides that ass just wants to be spanked!
When Walter opened the door carefully, he was more than ever enchanted. Prince Fox slept face down and rump up, as if expecting Walter's visit.
Walter was shocked at the rat, but decided that odd pets were okay too. Truly, he even would have forgiven Mulder two heads because he was so lovely.
Crawling up on the bed, Walter lifted his hand over the sweet promise of that lovely bum.
Before King Walter could lower his hand, the rat woke and saw the hand raised to his beloved. Quick as wink, Alex bit the big hand.
Walter gritted his teeth, grabbed the rat by his tail, and hung him from clothing hook with a tiny ribbon about his cute little ratty nose to keep him from warning the prince.
Quickly, Walter draped Prince Fox over his knee and spanked him very hard. Of course, the nightcap didn't daze Mulder as Walter thought. He was just kinky and thought this was a wonderful way to be courted. Full of drama, Fox kicked his legs and yelled as if he was being killed. However, when Walter slowed his blows, the prince yelped, "Hey, what do you think you're doing? Faster, harder!"
Walter's face was as red as Fox's ass was becoming. He spanked every inch of the plump bottom. At first, the prince's nether cheeks blushed at the attention, but soon the fair golden cheeks ripened to a rosy hue. As Prince Fox squirmed and squealed, he rubbed his hard cock between King Walter's legs. Both of them were so turned on that they hardly noticed Alex the rat wiggling free of the ribbon until Fox came with a gratified yell.
Right at that point, Alex worked free and transformed into his human form. When Walter saw that he had been fooled, he grabbed the Russian Rat and shook him.
"How dare you fool the King!" Walter shouted. "I ought to skin you alive! In fact, I will."
So now the pretty Russian who, as it turned out was a prince too, was across Walter's lap. He transformed from a rat to man and back to a rat, but Walter kept right in stride no matter what. Finally, the air sparkled with magic and the evil wizard's voice said, "What a world! What a world where my best curse can be broken by accident."
The wizard was so upset that he vanished forever in a puff of smoke.
Sore and shaken, the former rat said, "I'm cured. I can make love to my one true prince now."
Sadly, King Walter realized that his dream of marriage to the handsome prince was not to happen. He couldn't interfere with true love. However to his surprise, both princes wanted to marry him. Of course, he agreed. If offered the moon and the stars, why not take both?
Naturally, the next morning both Prince Fox and Prince Rat were very sore and stiff. They had put the pea under the bed and King Walter grandly revealed it just as they planned.
The betrothals were announced immediately although Fox sadly said that the wedding would have to wait until he had found his sister.
Just then, the kitchen staff all came with the rest of the palace servants to applaud the betrothal.
Prince Fox saw a face that he couldn't believe. It was just as he imagined his sister would look as an adult. He ran to the line and took the scullery maid by the hand.
"How did you come to work for the King?' Prince Fox asked.
"I was found in the road as a young girl," the maid said. She added, "I had lost my memory and didn't know who I was. The king kindly offered me shelter here and I have worked for him ever since."
Quickly, the wise men were called forth to cure the amnesia. They consulted and decided to give her a deep draught of rosemary for remembrance although Langly also said that she must ride upon the largest ram in the kingdom for the herb to work.
This cure was effected and Princess Samantha remembered her brother, even down to the score of their last game of Stratego.
There was great rejoicing. Soon King Walter married his two beautiful princes. Just to make sure that Prince Alex didn't become a rat again, he spanked him every night. Just to keep Prince Mulder happy, he also spanked him.
And the moral of this story?
Sometimes a little pea in bed isn't a bad thing.